Long Winded Stories of the Ocean

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

It's bin a while since we had a good Piratey story thread.

Remember the wonderful stories we used to tell in the ole place. YArrr, those were the days!

http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4919

Oi hereby declare the ssry tellin' thread reopended fer business. YArrr!

[The Black Spot]

The Tale of the Whalebone Parrot

Once, I were walkin' through a strange part o' Portsmouth, an' came across a peculiar little shop.

Inside, on a shelf I spies a statue o' a parrot carved from whalebone. 'Twere a lovely thing, the work of a true craftsman. I picked it up.

"'Ow much?" I sez to the shopkeeper.

"One dubloon," 'ee sez. "But the story behind it will cost you a hundred."

I slapped a dubloon on the counter. "I'll take it," I sez. "But ye can stick yer story."

As I were walkin' back to the docks, I noticed something strange. Three or four parrots were flapping along behind me. As I went further, more an' more parrots appeared. They flew from doorways, open windows an' taverns. A bit further along, an' it were like every parrot in the town were flyin' around me. It were like a great shriekin' flappin' cloud o' blue, green an' yellow. As I struggled along, the cloud o' parrots kept gettin' thicker an' thicker. It were gettin' hard to breath by now.

I managed t' get to the dockside, an' by this time it seemed like every parrot fer miles were flyin' round me head. I could 'ardly see, an' thought I were goin' to suffocate from the mass o' birds.

I pulled the whalebone parrot from me pocket an' hurled it as far as I could into the sea. All the birds flew after it, an' plunged into the sea where the whalebone parrot were, an' the lot o' them were drowned.

I brushed meself down an' marched back to the strange shop.

"I suppose you've come back for the story," said the shopkeeper.

"No," I sez. "I wondered if ye had a whalebone revenue man."

[Black Bart]

Another tale of ...Capn Cronan's Treasure

YYYAAARRRRRR many's the young pirate what's dreamed of findin Cap'n Cronan's Treasure.  The man who came closest however was a young Irish barman at 'The Admiral Benbow'.  Night after night he watched Cronan drink his grog and boast of his exploits, telling tales of riches unimaginable. 

'YYYYAARRR', growled the fearsome Cronan, 'I've got barrels o Belgian Ale so strong it would souse a Spanish Armada and an Old Nick bottle stuffed to the brim with Capn's Delight vouchers!'

No one believed these far fetched ramblings, especially as Cronan never arrived sober, and left even the worse for wear!   But the young Irishman had other ideas, he was sick of Guiness and he dreamed of setting himself up in his own Inn, selling Belgian Beer and Captain's delight by the gallon.

So one night, as Capn Cronan staggered out into the Fog, the Irish barman followed.  As the thick fog swirled around them the Irishman could only keep track of Cronan from the clack, clack of his peg leg on the cobbles and from his drunken singing:

"I guess now it's time for me to give up
YAARRR I feel it's time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got you're lipstick mark still on your grog cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now"

The Irishman could barely stand the stultifying noise of Cronan's singing...but his dream of finding the treasure somehow drove him on.   Suddenly the footsteps stopped and the sound of Cronan opening a creeking door made the Irishman's heart leap...could this be where the captain kept his treasure?  The Irishman slipped inside the door just behind Cronan and found himself in a darkened room and the strange thing was...it was still full of fog!

Suddenly the lights came on and there was Capn Cronan staring straight at the poor Irish fellar from his one terrifying eye!   

'YYYYAAARRRR', said Cronan, 'Arter me Treasure were ye, yer swab?  Ye'd better have a good excuse why ye was followin me or I'll Keel haul ye, hang ye from the yard arm and slit yer gizzard!'

The Irishman backed against the wall in terror, barely able to think...then it came to him in a flash:

'Sorry Mr Cronan Sir...I thought you was Henry Kelly!'

He was never seen again...

[DaveL]

PART 5: TIDDLES AND THE BLACK PLAGUE

Followin' Tiddles return to the port of Marseilles with the riches of the 'Bella Rosa', his  Bilge Rat crew settled in to a life of debauchery with frequent visits to Madame Rat-a-touille's, where the cares of their long, plunderous voyage were whittled away in the arms of a affectiones negotiable (Yarrr, me French is as shockin' as me Welsh!).

Meanwhile, the remnants of the Argghh 9000 crew, cast adrift in the Mediterranean were running very low on supplies. 'Yarrr, O'im so hungry Oi could bite me own arm off and chew it' said First Mate Scuppers McGee. 'Yarrr, O'im so hungry Oi could bite yer other arm off and chew it' said DaveL. 'Ahhh, what I would give for a slice of Brenda right now' said Cabin boy Jacko.

Then over the horizon, two large mountainous objects appeared. 'Yarrr, Oi must be hallucinatin', for Oi appears to seein Brenda magnified x1000' said Jacko 'That's not Brenda, Jacko, yer twit, that's Black Bart's ship 'The Big Brenda' said Scuppers. 'Hooray we're saved!!

Bart had indeed heard of Tiddles dastardly plan through the Portsmouth docks. And the good folks of Portsmouth, shocked by the news had commandeered Bart and his crew includin Black Spot, Calico Jack, Bluenose, Griffin, Chatty and several other monastery types to recover the Argghh 9000 crew, then take Tiddles on in a mighty stoush royale.

However, on seeing that Fishead Stew was firmly on the menu, both Scuppers arms were immediately severed and eaten by the Arghhh 9000 crew. 'Yarrr, yewl get used to the cookin' said Sibling Chatty 'and the weight loss that follows' said Spot. 'Set sail for Marseille' said Bart. 'Time to pay that stinkin' varmint cat a visit.'

Meanwhile Tiddles crew were startin' to feel the effects of too many visits to Madame Rat-a-touille's. 'Yarrr, Bugsy where'd you get that black festering pustule' said Tiddles. 'Yarrr, Oi don't feel too well' said Lefty. 'I told you only to eat 'Beeg Rern's' quality French sausages, not that stinkin' Feesh Head Stoue' (Yarrr, these be the French equivalent). But little did they know, it was much worse that a shonky diet. It was the plague!

Little did Tiddles also know, but there was only one thing worse than the Black Plague. For hell hath no fury like a bunch of Marseille bound pirates being fed fish head stew for the next 5-days.

Tiddles was indeed a marked old puss!!

[The Black Spot]

The Beast With Five Toenails

Crumblin' Jack, an ancient crewman o' mine, once told me a ghastly tale. 'Ee pulled up a chair, sucked on 'is pipe an' said "Cap'n, I've seem some strange things in me long life at sea, but let me tell ye the strangest...

"There were once a young sailor called Karl. Now this 'ere Karl were nifty on 'is feet. No-one could dance like 'im -  'ee could do the hornpipe wi' the grace o'a gazelle. Everyone liked to see Karl dance - except Ted.

Ted 'ated Karl. Ye see, Ted were a good dancer, but compared to Karl 'ee were a flat footed lump. No matter 'ow much 'ee practiced, 'ee could never match Karl's fluid style. So Ted lay in 'is 'ammock, broodin' an sulkin'.

One day, Ted bribed the ship's surgeon to tell Karl that 'ee 'ad a terrible disease o' the foot, an' it 'ad to be cut off, or he'd die. The surgeon cut off Karl's foot, an' Ted were so 'appy that 'ee danced all that night.

It were a terrible blow fer Karl. 'Ee turned to drink, an' decided that 'ee couldn't live wi'out 'is dancing. So one night, he hopped over the side o' the ship an' drowned.

The next night, Ted were in 'is 'ammock, when 'ee hears a rustlin' noise. 'Ee opened 'is eye, an saw something moving at the end of 'is hammock. In the moonlight, 'ee could see something creeping up toward 'im. It were Karl's foot, pullin itself up the covers by it's big toe.

Ted watched with horror as the foot crept closer an closer to 'is throat..."

The old man stopped 'is story whist 'ee re-lit 'is pipe.

"So what 'appened," I asked. "Did the foot strangle 'im?"

"Nah," said Crumblin' Jack. "Ted picked it up, threw it out the porthole an went back to sleep. It were only a foot after all."

"Have ye got any other stories?" I asked.

"Aye, loads Cap'n," said Jack.

"Well keep 'em to yerself yer daft old sod."

[Calico Jack]

A DRINK WITH A STRANGER

Twere a cold night in Portsmouth but inside the Admiral Benbow there was a fine log fire, several tankards of ale and many a busty wench to keep me warm.

As I left the tavern to return to me ship I was in fine fettle but my mood changed as I continued walking towards the harbour.  Portsmouth usually on a Saturday was alive with noise with the fighting in the taverns spilling out into the streets (not a lot has changed really).  However, on this cold icy night the streets were deserted, the only noise being the scraping of a peg leg on the rutted road.

An icy fog descended and as I walked down to the harbour the sound of the peg leg was getting closer and closer. Suddenly a hand descended on my shoulder and I heard that deep scary voice for the first time

"You be Calico Jack" he said "I be Cap'n Cronan no doubt you have heard of me"
"Aye that I have" I trembled "What do you want with me"
"I want to have an ale with yer, no one likes me yer see and I be a little fed up with the situation and just want a chat with someone" he said.
"Well I need to get back my ship, me crew will be worried" I said
"Noooooo I insist" he said "besides yer crew hate yer guts so they won't miss yer"

So I went into the nearest inn with Cap'n Cronan and he really was the strangest creature you could wish ter see.  He was ghostly white and look liked an apparition, he wore a tweed jacket and a tie with neatly pressed trousers and smart shoes and carried an umbrella, in fact e didn't dress like a pirate at all.  He kept saying strange things that meant nothing to me Old Nick, Ramrod and he seemed to have a fascination with Belgium.  I asked for a bottle of Rum whilst Cap'n Cronan requested a bottle of beer which he poured into a glass!.

During the evening he got out an old parched slip of paper an I thought arrgh at last the secret of Cap'n Cronan's treasure but no, suddenly he started asking me questions "What was the on the B side to Westlife's classic hit Uptown Girl" he said. I looked puzzled as the questions came thick and fast as I never once had any idea what he was talking about.  I remember some of the words he were using seeing his eyes light up as he was talking Boyzone, Take That, S Club 7, Steps.  Then suddenly e was gone in a flash, I must catch me ship e said or I will not get home ternite. He said "We'll meet up again soon".

As I made my way back to me ship that night, I considered that all the rumours about Cap'n Cronan were true and e was indeed a strange figure and I was hoping our paths would not cross again. 

[Black Bart]

Post Script to: THE BEAST WITH FIVE TOENAILS

Two weeks after the events described above, Ted was on duty chuckin the Fishe Head Stew waste over the side.  Twere an unpleasant job at the best of times but as he gazed out to sea he heared a squelchin/flappin noise comin up behind him. The noise got louder and louder and Ted turned, just in time to sea a hideous mangled foot, swolen by sea water and decay, kick him right up the arse!  He went over the side with a shriek and...he was never seen alive again!

[The Black Spot]

The Great Engine

Five or six years ago, I were 'aving me dinner in a dockside cafe, when a strange gawky lookin' Scotsman came up to me.

"Captain," 'ee sez. "I am an engineer, and I have designed a quite remarkable propulsion system. I should like your permission to install said device within the confines of your vessel."

"Eh?" I sez.

"This arrangement will facilitate both an improvement to your business model, and a verification of the validity of the general principles upon which I have based my design."

Now this bloke might have had a scottish accent, but 'ee were obviously a foreigner as only about a third o' his words were in English. I sat 'im down, and by talkin' slowly an' loudly at 'im I eventually got an idea o' what 'ee were talkin' about. Seems 'ee 'ad a device to make a ship go faster. It were a big metal lump that made a huge fan thing spin round and round. The fan were in the water, an' when it were spinnin' fast enough, the boat went forward.

"How's it work?" I asked 'im.

"Well Captain, extremely volatile material is ignited within the combustion chamber..."  I wish I 'adn't asked 'im -- 'Ee droned on for several minutes using made-up words like "ignition" an "pressurisation" until I agreed to give it a go just to shut 'im up.

Next week, the engine were installed. We sailed into open water while the scotsman did some last minute tinkerin' to 'is contraption. I looked at it. "What do ye call this thing?" I asked.

"Well Captain, I call it Waterbased Advanced Rotary Propulsion - or W.A.R.P. for short."

I got back to the bridge when me lookout tells me there be a merchant ship on the horizon. It were a damned long way away.

"Warp drive ready at your command Cap'n!" shouted the scotsman.

"Engage!" I bellowed.

There were a strange hummin' noise an the ship leapt forward. The speed were such that the prow of the ship started to lift from the water. Me navigator were in contact wi' the engine room through a speaking tube. "Holdin at Warp 3 Cap'n" he said.

The merchant ship were gettin' close now, so we dropped out o' warp.

"Form a landin' party Number One," I said.

Well, the merchant ship never knew what hit it. One minute, we were a dot in the distance, the next minute me men were swingin' aboard their ship. A great success!

Over the next few weeks, we could strike any vessel at will. The men an' me were so pleased wi' the new engine, that we decided to name the ship after it. We had the idea of calling it the "New Clever Contraption" along wi' the year the engine were made. It were a bit long so we just used the initials, an' the ship were called the NCC-1701.

All went well until we were in the North Atlantic Sector. The scottish engineer informed me that we needed to land to perform some necessary maintenance on the engine. Just then, me Science Officer lowered his telescope. "Cap'n," 'ee said. "Spyglass readings indicate a number of enemy vessels on the port bow."

I peered over the rail. I saw seven Royal Navy Men-O-War sailin' in our direction.

"Engine room," I sed. "We need Warp speed now!"

The ship lurched forward like a mad thing. I looked o'er the side; the Navy ships had a good wind behind 'em.

"Engine room, we need more speed!"

"We're at Warp 4 captain."

"Increase to Warp 6," I sez.

The vibrations through the ship increased, an the main mast began to shake. We continued to accelerate.

"Cap'n," sez the engineer. "She cannae take much more o' this"

"Warp 7" I sez.

The ship shuddered as more power thundered through the hull. The Navy ships were starting to fall behind now.

"Cap'n she cannae take any more -- she's gonna blow!"

There was a huge explosion as the engine tore the ship in half. It were a peculiarly selective kind of explosion, as everyone survived it except the blokes who had red shirts on. The rest o' us clung on to the wreckage and were washed ashore the next day.

What became o' the scottish engineer, I don't know. The last I saw of 'im were when we were washed up on the beach. To tell the truth, I were still a bit dazed from the whole experience. 'Ee walked over to me an' looked at all the sawdust an seaweed that were on me best frockcoat, an 'ee offered to tidy me up a bit. "Aye," I said. "Clean me up, Scotty."

[Black Bart]

Arter I'd stopped laughin and simultaniously cringin from that one (Clean me up Scotty...Oh dear oh dear!) this true story sprang to mind and I felt hobliged to put quill to paper:

The Treasure of The Sirens

Many's the buccaneer what's come to grief whilst searchin for the Treasure of the Sirens.  Legend has it, as ye steer yer ship near the island, a bunch o ghostly wenches begin to sing, and so lovely is their song that no man can resist them.  Ship after ship has been lured onto the terrible rocks with the loss of all hands thereon.

A chance hencounter, at Madame Fifi's, ended with me procurin the secret location of the Treasure and I set off on the long voyage forthwith.   As we approached the cursed Isles the wind seemed to pick up and the Sirens began their song, quietly at first but rising to an eerie crecsendo.   I ordered the Bosun to switch off his Kate Bush record but no, there it was, the terrible but beautiful singing was all around us luring us to our certain deaths!   

Quick as flash I  put my plan into action.   Every man and boy aboard that ship strapped on an Ipod which blasted out the songs of 'GUNS n FISH HEADS' at full volume.   The terrible deafening rock music drowned out the Sirens' song and we sailed on past safely to glory.  We reached the secret Treasure Cove and retrieved the booty.

Sadly, the booty only just about covered the cost of 150 Ipod Nanos, and the crew were so deaf that we crashed into an iceberg full of penguins on the way home and sank!

[Black Bart]

The Treasure of the Sirens, Part 2

With the ship sunk I rallied the few survivors and we clambered onto the iceberg.  Shortly afterwards, as the iceberg drifted East, we came under heavy bombardment from a small fleet of scurvy blaggards from the Tortugas. To my amazement the iceberg protected us from the onslaught, and we had sufficient penguin meat to help us make the journey to a deserted isle. 

It turned out the island had been the recent recipient of a shipwreck.  Amongst the survivors was a strange Scot who's incomprehensible ramblings were thought to be the result of malnutrition.  However the strange man begged to be allowed access to our iceberg and a range of material from the wreck. 

Four days later I was woken by loud cheering from the men.  That crazy Scotsman had transformed the iceberg into a behemoth of the sea.  The Aaaarrghberg 101 was born:

[Griffin NoName]

Oi were in me favorit tavern mindin me own busynis downin a mug o dark liquid(©) wen sum folk clowse by started mekkin a roight rowdy noyse. It wer so lowd Oi culdnt ear me own gluggin an slerps. All Oi culd mek owt wer Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint on an on Oi can tell ye it wer roight annoyin.

Oi were abowt ter cawl the landlord over wen wun o em leaned across an sed in a muffled voyce "tell us qwick, oo wer top o ther charts in March 1967?". "Wot's it ter yoo?" I asked quik as a flash. "Oi'll mek it wurth yer wile" ee replyed. "Ok" Oi ses. "It wer The Arctic Monkey".

Blow me down if they didnt start up all theyre Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint all over agin until Oi wer neer tarin me air out. "Oi," Oi ses, "wot's yer problem?"

This mad lookin wun wiv ginger air leens over an ses "we fink it be Monkeys not Monkey an anyways nun o us fink em wer arownd in 1967". Or sum such nonsense. It wer ard ter tell wot wiv all ther noyse.

"Arctic Monkey" Oi ses lowder. It allus be best ter talk ter idiots wiv a lowd voyce. "tek it, or leeve it, but ye owe me fer a fayre anser."

Stowne the crows, off they go agin. Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aintYes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint til me ead wer spinnin an Oi wer mekkin up me mind ter leeve em to it.

Befoor Oi culd struggle owt me comfy seet ther wer a kerfffulfle at tother end of theyre table. A tall thin blaggard wiv a wig, ye culd tell it wer a wig cos it wer slidin off is ead as e wer all sweatty wiv exciytment, squeezed arownd and extracted imself from behind ther table. Oi urrried ter get me coat on as Oi didn't likes the look of wig-man. But Oi werent alf way ter the door wen e stopped me an ses "You giv us yer word. It were the Arctic Monkey?"

"Yes" Oi ses, spittin a bit ter focus is attentiun. Well, no surprises, they went back ter ther Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aintYes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint Yes it is No it aint til I wer forced go an poour me mug of(©)over ther heds wot wer steamin an givin off smoke.

Then a strange eerily skeletal bod, short, but important lookin in a sort of endearin fashiun, you know the look, ye'd be kindly pikkin up everythin he dropped as went abowt wiv is books an pamphlets; anyways, him, he sidles up ter me an says "Oi wrote down The Arctic Monkey", ye better ope yer roight". And wiv that all went quiet an not a breeath culd be erd anywahere in ther room.

Oi was on top o the world. Peace an silence at last. But it werent ter last long. Som wun grabbed a microphone an started barkin out a weird randum load a words. Oi culd mek no sense of it an wer opin he'd be slung owt. On an on it went. Eastern Albania. Marie Curie. Tomato Sauce. 25 Lbs. Six furlowes. Mother of Pearl. Luton United. Eastenders. Kylie. The Danube. Oi tell ye, he wer nuts. Even stranger, all the folk in the taverne were grownin and yellin and cheerin, but mostly grownin. They sounded like they were all gettin test results for brain-death o their ninety-six year old grandmother oo ad run owt o money fer her old peeples home.

The last thing the guy wiv the mike sed were "The Arctic Monkey".

A moighty yawlin went round the room. All except ther table next ter me. They were at there usual abit. Told you. No you didnt. Yes I did. You never. I did. I told you. Told you. No you didnt. Yes I did. You never. I did. I told you. Told you. No you didnt. Yes I did. You never. I did. I told you. Told you. No you didnt. Yes I did. You never. I did. I told you. Told you. No you didnt. Yes I did. You never. I did. I told you. Told you. No you didnt. Yes I did. You never. I did. I told you. Told you. No you didnt. Yes I did. You never. I did. I told you. Told you. No you didnt. Yes I did. You never. I did. I told you. Til the guy wiv ther mike arrived wiv an enormous platter o sandwitches.

"They are fer im" they ses, pointin at me. Oi tak a look at wots on the platter. Oi don't loike the looke of it at all. Piles of wot culd be stayle bred stuck togevver wiv goodness knows wot. Oi teks the platter an puts it down on theyre table. "Ye'll ave ter do better than that" Oi ses "an fer yer great discurtesy in not believin me strait off".

Well, ther men all started sulkin and starin into their grog. But the Lady, yeh, goodness knows why, but the were a real nice Lady wiv this group of cuthhthroats, she ses, you cum in next time an Oi'll arange free drinks fer ye. Now that's wot Oi call a Lady.

After a whiles, thye got over their sulks an you culd see theyre brains slowly startin up agin. "Ow did ye know it were "The Arctic Monkey?" they ask an not "ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK" wiv "Release Me"?

"Simple" Oi says. "'Top of the Charts'" were the giv away. The Arctic be allus at the top. Though many folk muddle it with the Antartic which allus be bottom. All Oi ad ter do wer remember which ship wer up there at ther time."

Tis a sad tale. Oi as ad to take that Taverne off me favourates list. Oi don't fancy gettin me ead kicked in agin.

And the moral of this tale is keep yer knowledge ter yerself.

[Calico Jack]

MY EARLY PIRATING DAYS

It was my Ma who I have to thank for where I am now as it was she that got me on to a Pirate Ship when I was a small child. After that my lust for random violence and being filthy rich ensured that I would eventually Captain my own ship.

Ma worked in a gentlemen's club in Portsmouth where she provided personal services to all of the dregs of society that passed through town.  My Father? who knows, probably one of her customers, must have been a good-looking blaggard though eh!   However, Ma tired of this life, getting beaten up every day was not her idea of job satisfaction so she ran away to sea and became a galley maid on a Pirate Ship, taking me with her. 

Initially life for her on the Pirate Ship was tough, as she was expected to wait on the swabs all of whom beat her if The Fish Head Stew was to lumpy.  They also tried it on with her of course but after a dozen of them ended up overboard with a cutlass in their side, they realised that she was not a wench to mess with and eventually they accepted her as one of their own.  However, Cap'n Norton was different he never looked at Ma but took a shine to me and I spent many hours in his quarters. I did notice though, that after leaving his cabin I couldn't sit down for a week, not sure why.

However, it was those days in his cabin and Ma's opportunism that put us on the road to fame and fortune.  The Cap'n was never careful where he left his personal documents and was always leaving stuff lying about.  One of these documents was a treasure map and though I couldn't read then, Ma could so I smuggled it out to her.  This map highlighted the Cap'n's secret Treasure Hoard and was where he used to store all the booty he acquired from many years of pillaging and plundering.

After a while we landed on an Island and the Cap'n announced that we were going to stay here for a few days to take on supplies.  Ma came up to me very excited, this is The Island she said we must go and get ourselves some treasure.  Ma smuggled the map down her chest and we crept off the ship in the dead of night.

It was a tortuous journey as the X marked the spot in the centre of the Island and we had to hack our way through dense jungle and then eventually climb up a large mountain.  As we approached our destination Ma whispered in my ear, "We'll take the Treasure out of the hiding place and move it to another spot, I'll take a little of it fer now so we can git ourselves a boat and come back fer the rest".

We got up to the top of the mountain and there buried under a large rock was a huge case, we opened it and were amazed at the amount of booty inside, we would be rich till our dying days.

Ma took out a few stones and stuffed some of them down her chest, however I was elated and I picked up a handful of treasure and shouted at the top of my voice.

"I'm top of the World Ma, I'm top of the World.

[The Black Spot]

The Mad Scientist

Once, in the North Atlantic,  We picked up a wild eyed lookin' man clingin' onto some wreckage. We pulled 'im aboard, dusted 'im down, and when we found out 'ee had nothin' in 'is pockets, I told me boys to heave 'im back over the side.

"Wait," 'ee sez. "I have something you must hear!"

"Does it involve treasure?" I asked. He shook 'is head. "Money, then?" Another shake o' the head.

"Throw 'im over the side, boys!" I sez.

"No, no, no!" ee sez. "What I have to tell concerns the most valuable thing in the world!"

Well, I admit I were a bit intrigued by this, so I arranges a chair an' a cupfull o' grog for 'im. 'Ee took a swig an' started 'is story.

"My name is unimportant," he said. "But you can call me the Baron. I spent many years studying the sciences before building a laboratory in my castle."

"A castle," I sez. "Valuable is it?"

"I suppose so. But that's not really the point of--"

"Full o' valuable things?" I asked.

"Not really," sez the Baron.

"Heave 'im over the side, lads!" I sez.

"Wait! Wait!" said the Baron. "Hear me out! I spent many years studying the great mystery of life. Trying to discover the nature of the spark that makes living things more than simply an aggregation of chemicals. Seeking the--"

'Ee saw the scowl on me face, so 'ee decided to get on with it.

"I decided to test my theories by creating a human being," he said. "I stole the bodies of the dead and from them assembled--"

"These bodies," I sez. "Rich people were they?"

"Eh? Some of them I suppose. I didn't really--"

"Arrr," I sez. "Some o' these rich people be buried wi' all sorts o' valuable things. What did ye find on them?"

"Er, nothing. I wasn't really interested in anything except the bodies. Anyway, to infuse my creation with energy I installed a great lightning conductor in the tallest turret of--"

"This conductor," I sez. "Made o' silver were it?"

"No."

"Arrrr, gold then?"

"No. Just iron," 'ee said. "And at the height of a great storm, a bolt of electricity charged my creation and it lived! It opened its eyes and got up from the table--"

"Be there anything valuable in this tale?" I asked.

"It was a fearful, brutal creature," said the Baron. "It had the strength of ten men and absolutely no conscience whatsoever. Such a terrible monstrosity had no place in the world of men. I eventually--"

"That's enough!" I sed, and had me men hurl the Baron over the side. Useless bastid. All talk talk talk, with nuffin of value to no-one.

We sailed on, an everyone returned to their posts - except Midshipman Ugg. He just stood at the rail for a while, twiddling his neckbolt.

"Bye Dad," he shouted o'er the side.

[The Black Spot]

O Lucky Man!

One afternoon, me an the crew were playin' cards in the Admiral Benbow when a young, well-off lookin' feller turns up. I thinks to meself "there's a few quid to be made 'ere," so I asks im if he'd like to join us in a nice friendly game o' cards.

"No thank you, but thank you for asking" ee sez.

Well, 'im and 'is money weren't gettin' away that easy, so I puts on me most threatenin' voice an sez to 'im "Arrr, so ye thinks yer too good to be in the company o' the likes o' us, do ye?"

"No, no, no, not at all Captain," 'ee sez. "It's just that I don't think it'd be a good idea."

Well, I suppose it wasn't, but I weren't lettin' him get away wi' talkin' back to me like that. I were just reachin fer the hilt o' me cutlass when 'ee sez "I bet you have the two of diamonds, the four of spades, the Jack of hearts, the Jack of clubs and the Jack of spades in your hand."

I glanced down. "Ye blaggards!" I shouted. "Ye has me playing wi' a marked deck! I'll swing fer the lot o' yers!"

"No, Captain," said the stranger. "It was just a guess. You see, I'm fantastically lucky - all my life I've had the most amazing good fortune."

Now, I's heard some right ol' bollocks in me time, an I weren't 'aving none o' this. I pulled out me flintlock and aimed it right between the stranger's eyes. There was a bang an a wet "thud" noise as the shot hit a parrot that 'appened to fly between us.

"Cor, that were lucky," sed one o' me men.

Enraged, I hurled a dagger at 'is chest. The blade bounced off 'is coat button, ricoched off the ceiling, and stuck in the side o' the barman's head. As the barman collapsed, he knocked the till off the counter, an it burst on the floor. All the coins from the till rolled across the floor an' ended up in a neat pile at the stranger's feet.

"You jammy git!" said someone.

Aye, I thought. Perhaps 'ee were tellin' the truth. A man like this could be very useful.

"Come and sit 'ere," I sez. "What be yer name?"

"Jack," 'ee said. "Jack Pott."

"Well now Jack," I sez. "I has an offer fer ye. How would ye like to join me in a little business venture?"

"I have no need for money, Captain," ee said. I suppose someone like 'im didn't; if 'ee wanted something, it'd just fall in 'is lap. 'Owever I could tempt 'im with something else. 'Ee were a pale, insipid lookin' bugger, - 'ee needed a bit o' excitement in 'is life.

"I don't just offer ye money," I sez. "'Ow would ye like to join me in an adventure?"

'Is eyes lit up. "What kind?" 'ee asked eagerly.

"Well," I sez. "I intends to find the lost treasure o' Cap'n Cronan."

There was a gasp from me men. Several o' them crossed themselves, an one chap made a dash fer the toilets.

I pinned a chart up on the wall. "Many years o' research leads me to believe that Cronan's treasure be somewhere around 'ere..." I indicated a small group of islands off the coast o' Canada. "And Jack 'ere will 'elp us to narrow it down."

I grabbed a dart from the dartboard an handed it to Jack. "Fling this 'ere dart,Jack" I said. "Show us where the treasure be."

Well, I don't think Jack 'ad ever thrown a dart in 'is life. 'Ee made a strange overarm lob an the dart bounced off Lefty Martin's 'ead an hit the map. It stuck in the middle o' the Pacific, thousands o' miles from anywhere.

"Gah!" I sed. "Don't tell me that Cronan's treasure be at the bottom o' the ocean. We'll ne'er recover it."

"Wait Cap'n," said me first officer. "It's an island."

I went over to the map an peered close. The dart had stuck in a tiny speck o' land that were so small that ye could hardly see it. "That be our destination," I sed. We set sail the next mornin'.

***********************************************************

The next few weeks o' the voyage were uneventful - well, as uneventful as it gets with someone like Jack around. I remembers seeing two gulls collide head on, and them fallin' into the mouth of a yawning shark, chokin' it. Then there were that day the apple barrel kept fallin' in the water; no matter what we did, the barrel would end up goin' over the side. Turned out that Jack were allergic to apples.

Me navigator were concerned by all o' this. "Cap'n," 'ee sez to me. "Have ye heard o' the law o' probability?" Not really, I replied. I suppose I must have broken it though - I've broken every other bloody law there is.

"It's a mathematical rule," 'ee sez. "And I'm worried that..."

At that moment, the lookout cried "Land Ahoy!", an' we dropped anchor next to the small island. Meself, Jack an the Navigator took a rowboat ashore.

'Twere an odd place, that island. There were a volcanic mountain in the middle o' it that looked like a big, brown beerbottle. Around the base of the beerbottle, many large trees had fallen and they had rotted, making them look like cigarette butts. The whole island loked like a scruffy pub table - no wonder Cronan had taken such a likin' to it.

Right then," I sez to Jack. "Does we go North, South, East or West?"

Jack tossed a coin. "North," 'ee said.

We trudged North, an' came to a cave in the side o' the mountain. "Does we go in here?" I asked Jack. Jack tossed a coin again an' nodded.

Inside the cave it were dark an' dank. After about a dozen or so steps, the ground felt soft, like someone 'ad bin diggin' there. I told everyone to get their shovels out an we started diggin'.

Then something strange happened.

Jack pushed 'is shovel in the dirt. It happened to split a stone, which hit 'im in the eye. Then 'is shovel got caught in some roots, an as 'ee pulled it free, the handle snapped which made Jack stumble back and kick one o' our lanterns. The lantern smashed an set fire to Jack's foot.  Now, this made Jack hop around a bit, an' he hopped onto a passin' rat. The rat squealed an' bit Jack on 'is good foot.

Me navigator ran o'er to me.

"Cap'n," 'ee said. "We have to leave now - at once!"

Now, me navigator were afraid of nothing, but there were fear in 'is eyes. "Look!" 'ee said.

I looked over an saw Jack stumblin' around wi' a bucket stuck over 'is 'ead.

"Don't ye see?" said the navigator. "'Is luck's run out. Everyone only 'as so much luck in their lives - Jack's just had it all at once. It's all used up - 'ees got nothing left but bad luck left now!"

Me an' the navigator ran fer the boat. I glanced over me shoulder an saw the ground between Jack's feet splittin' as a volcanic rift began to open. We made it to the boat an' were paddlin' frantically when we hears an enormous explosion from behind us.

Once I were back onboard me ship, we hauled anchor an I picked up a spyglass an' surveyed the damage to the island.

Beerbottle mountain were reduced to a stump. Cronan wouldn't be at all pleased, I thought. 'Is treasure were now lost forever.

Then I saw somethin' movin' about in the smoke. It were Jack, an' 'ee seemed unharmed. Well, I thought, perhaps his luck didn't desert 'im after all.

Then I looked at the horizon an realised that it were only through the most dreadful bad luck that Jack had survived.

For there on the horizon, were Cap'n Cronan's ship headin' fer the island.

[Black Bart]

That was Brilliant...

but is it really the end for Cronan's Treasure?

Can the Long windedness of theses tales get any longer?

Has Jack's luck really run out?

What are these people drinking?

For the answer to these and many other questions keep reading!