Long Winded Stories of the Ocean

[Black Bart]

The Ghostly Ship

Arrrrr, many years ago there were a small village on the coast of England what lived in fear of Pirates an Smugglers. Hardly a week went by when the poor folk weren't raided by peg legged ruffians from the sea.

Finally the mayor of the village called an emergency meeting of the neighbourhood watch. "We can't go on like this any longer" said the mayor in a strong Cornish type accent, "we needs a plan to stop the Pirates from raidin our stores...anyone got any ideas?"

With that the villagers all put their heads together and over a good few tankards of local Scrumpy, they came up with a foolproof plan to save their town. The pirate raids always came at night so the villagers hatched this ghostly plan: They bought an old rotting hulk and painted her white. They draped her decks with ghostly sheets of torn sails and the bones of animals. Some of the villagers dressed up in ghostly grey outfits and scary masks and every night they sailed the ship out of the harbour, taking turns to crew the spectral boat. As a final touch they flew the flag of Captain Cronan from her main mast. The effect was terrifying and as long as the ghost ship remained visible on the foggy coast, not a single pirate bothered the village.

Weeks turned into months, months turned into years and there were no more Pirate raids. The villagers grew complacent. One night it was the turn of the mayor himself to sail the ghost ship. The mayor and his crew had had a bit of a session in the local Tavern. They got all dressed up, boarded the Ghost ship and all promptly fell asleep on the deck.

Meanwhile a funny looking van turned up and out got two lads, two girls and a huge gormless looking dog. They were followed by a bunch of very nervous pirates. The intelligent looking girl with the specs stepped forward onto the ghost ship and said to the pirates as she whipped off the mayor's mask: "I think you'll find that your ghostly pirate is in fact...the mayor"

The mayor grunted "We would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't ha been for you meddlin kids!"

The pirates all cheered, they thanked the crew of the van and said they would forever be indebted to Mystery Inc (whatever that meant). They gave the big floppy dog a huge burger made from roasted villagers and they never had any trouble raiding the village again.

Now that's what I call a Happy Ending...Yaarrrrrrrr!

[anthrobabe]

only one problem with that last one
the dog is a vegan

here's one that's been making the rounds-hopes ye likes it-

The Saucy Wench of Verona

I fell in with a saucy wench from Verona,
She's just as naughty as she can be.
All of her life she's been a looker
Because she give it out for free.


Out of all of the things they make in Italy,
The rum, the ships, the pistols, the hardtack.
I loves me saucy wench from Verona
Because she made me feel so good.


But it wasn't meant to be;
I had to find out the hard way.
You know, what she gave to me
Will cause me peg leg to rot away
but still and any way
I would not have had it any other way.




with love to Eric Clapton and my sincere groveling-- the devil made me do it!

[Black Bart]

Lovely that...nice to see someone else avin a go at the Long Winded Tales.  Ye has ta make a special effort for a Long Tale...ye sit yerself down twixt the Fire burnin heartily in the hearth and the alf dead old codger what aven't moved since last Christmas, an ye lets yer himagination take a hold.

A few grogs elps an all.  By the way, I was on holiday near Verona this year an I didn't meet up wiv no saucy wench...hold on ta yer anchor rope though...there was that wench what served me a capaccino and gave me an extra biscuit!

[Bruder Cuzzen]

                      The (tinny) Terror(s) Within 



  The gloomy skies cries a promise of rain ...rain will swamp us to be sure , the men glance at me with accusing eyes . It was I that allowed the toredo worms to breed beyond control .

It seemed like a good idea at the time...we were sailing to the Fisher Islands with earthworms to trade for salt cod...I felt that we would allow the wood worms to go at it and we'll get more cod .

OHHhhhhh  they were so happy when we left with double the cargo , therefore double the shares.

Now the ship weighs heavy in the water , the timbers so riddled with holes we feel as we are sailing on a big sponge .

Suddenly a huge white whale popped up for a blow...

"Oh crappers " , we thought, " now we're dun for ".

The whale circled us... then faced us off starboard , it opened it's great razor tooth filled mouth at us,

" I say chaps...any of you lot be called Ahab ?, it said , much to our amazement.

"..um...no.."

"Oh...oh... well...aint much sport sinking you lot... ye be shark food before to long anyhow ...I could give ye a tow if ye got anything to trade or direct me to this Ahab fella ".

We told him about our cargo and he agreed for 75% of our fish...

" Okay lads , put some slack on the chain and we're off ".

" But our hull is full of worms , can it take the strain ?"

The whale became impatient.

" CAPTAIN ! DROP YOUR ANCHOR AND DAMN THE TOREDOES !"




I miss spelled the worm... i think ...I'll fix it later....
       

[Black Bart]

Arrrgh matey...what be 'The Terror Within' does that come later in the tale?

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Yarr bartie ,

     Thee terror within be the concuring ..kongkering worms that be etten up ye shup from under ye...

Yarr Bartie...i dun a bit of editing...is it bedder?

[Black Bart]

Which bit de ye edit?

I must get down to writin a tale meself...Christmas be the toim of Fireside tales, tasted crumpets and glasses o mulled grog.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

I misspelled  tiny and added the "s" after terror in thee story title..I'll be back to misspell more later......maybe.....

[Black Bart]

A Tale of Two Christmases

Arrrrgh...Poor Tiny Tim waited anxiously by the fireside every Christmas.  His father was a notorious Pirate so Timmy was never certain he'd get to see his Daddy yet alone get any Christmas presents.

"Mummy", asked Timmy with hope lighting up his eyes in the gloomy hovel in Portsmouth Harbour, "Will daddy bring us something this year?"  "I can't tell, my dearest", said Tim's Mum, "We can only hope he hasn't been caught by the Revenue men again or worse!"

Timmy gazed out through the grimy window into the harbour smog...if only his dad would turn up this time, it would be a good Christmas for the Plank family.   A tear trickled down Tim's cheek as he recalled last year's Christmas; whilst the Bart family next door tucked into a Big Bowl of Fish Head Stew, Tim and his mum gnawed hungrily on their roasted Bilge Rat...a scanty meal without even a Big Ron chipolata stuffed up it's arse.

The harbour clock struck midnight, Tim was allowed to stay up late on Christmas Eve so he wouldn't get so many flea bites from his bed, suddenly there came the tap, tapping of a peg leg on the cobbled street outside.  Tim wiped the grime from the broken window, and though his eyes were watering from the icy blast coming through the cracks, he peered out in feverish expectation... 

"Mummy mummy", cried Tim, "There's a Pirate coming down the street...I think it might be daddy".

Moments later there came a tap, tap, tap on the door.  Hardly able to contain his excitement, Timmy ran toward the door and swung the creeking, half rotten boards open..."Daddy?" 

A filthy scurvy peg legged wretch stood in the doorway, leering and letching..."I only has half a Cronan so Madame Fifi sent me here..."

"Alright Timmy" said Madam Plank, "It's only a client, looks like it's Bilge Rat again for Christmas Dinner...but the half a Cronan will buy us a sausage so cheer up lad.   Timmy went back to his lonely stool and sat fingering his dad's old threadbare wig...his eyes began watering again as the Fish Head Stew steam drifted in from next door.

[Griffin NoName]

That is the saddest story I ever heard.

Can't we do something for Timmy?  Like add him to the Monastery food drive?

[Black Bart]

 

Perhaps the girls at Madame Fifi's could adopt Timmy and bring him up...a sort of Great Expectations but Timmy becomes a successful pimp!

[Griffin NoName]

Aaaaaaaargggh!!! Any voulnteers for being his "uncle" ?

[Black Bart]

Who's goin ta be Miss Haversham?...

Oh god, that reminds of my most shameful moment ever in the Red Cow quiz...they've never let me forget it.  It was a tie break...imagine the tension with two beer vouchers at stake!  The question was:

Who played Miss Haversham in David Lean's Great Expectations?

I was sure it was Jean Simmons but of course she was Estella.

The answer is Martita Hunt.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

YARRR ! Bartie , that would have been my second guess...

[Griffin NoName]

Ye be lucky ye dinna get a pie in yer face fer that !!