Long Winded Stories of the Ocean

[Black Bart]

The Abominable Scotsman

A terrible storm had driven our shyppe north.  After 3 days the storm abated and we found ourselves off the craggy coast o Scotland.  An Englishman needs ta think twice afore he sets foot on Scottish shores, let alone an English Pirate...but we were driven by thirst and hunger.

After getting ashore we came across an old man who, on seeing a Pirate, cried out in terror:

"Arrrrgh Och a Fachan!  The beast with one leg, one arm and one eye is upon us...we're dooooomed...dooooooooomed!"

I explained that we were only humble Pirates looking for food and drink and he calmed down a bit and explained that in Highland lore there was a creature called a Fachan...

"Tis terrifying, with one leg, one arm and but one eye...and very, very ugly!"

"Yes thank ye'" said I "Less of the ugly if ye don't mind...now where can we find food an drink ye daft old sod?"

With that the old feller drew close, his breath smelling o whisky, and he said:

"Och ye'll be needin to cross the mountain....on the other side ye'll find a village inn...but mind ye don't meet with...Black Donald!!!!!!"

"Black who?" says I.

With a furtive glance toward the hills the old fellar answered:

"Black Donald haunts these hills, tis said he is the devil himself...if ye see cloven foot prints...run, run for yer lives!"

I grabbed the old sod by his ragged collar: "Look mate...tell us how to get to the Inn...cloven footprints my arse...tis likely to be a deer or a stray sheep."

"Nay" said the old un "An watch ye don't meet Old Shellycoat...och the terrrrrible bogeyman...he haunts the rivers and streams...he be covered in shells an ye'll as like hear him rattling."

Well I'd has enough of this and said:

"If ye don't tell us how to find the Inn It'll be your bones what rattle you old rascal."

Finally we got our directions and set off up the mountain path with the voice of the old man in the distance still shouting:

"Ye're doomed dooooooomed!" and "Don't go near the old castle and mind ye don't come upon the black beast with the head of a cat and the body of a cat..."

Sure enough as we climbed ever upwards, we saw cloven footprints leading off into the bracken.  A little further we stopped for a drink at a mountain stream, a rattling sound came from the misty heights above! 

Upward, ever upward we climbed until we reached the snow line.  Suddenly out of the mist loomed a dark craggy shape, it was a ruined castle with ivy clad walls and the wind howling through it's empty windows.  Snow had began falling so we decided to take shelter in the ruin before pressing on for the village below.

We were almost under the shadow of the castle walls when a terrible cry pierced the gloom:

"Och ye bampot, ye bauchle, ye gomeril...there's no way ye've got four aces!!!!"  "Tis bad enough lookin at yer face like a bashed thripny without ye cheatin awa ma money"

This was followed by the squeaky terrified voice of someone protesting his innocence and though we were afraid our curiosity led us forward into the castle to see what was going on...and there we saw an unbelievable sight...

It was the game of Texas Holdem from hell....

There in the middle of the keep sat a very ugly man with one leg, one arm and one eye, an old man in a black suit...with cloven feet, a strange creature who appeared to be covered in shells and...

The Pirates stared in horror...there at the head of the table sat...

Snarling and slavering like a maniac, clutching a bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine, wearing a string vest and a massive Tam o Shanter with ghastly lank ginger hair hanging from it...there sat...A Glaswegian!!!!!!!!

That was it...we ran back to the ship as fast as our peg legs could carry us!

[Opsa]

G'ARRRGH! Smart idear ta bug out, as yer was this close ter becoming poirate haggis. And cold poirate haggis too, from the sound of it. What could be worse?

_{Although, ter be sure, I was relieved that Black Donald didn't turn out ter be some kind o' black duck in a sailor hat with no pants on.}

[Sibling DavidH]

We want more!
We want more!
We want more!
We want more!
We want more!
We want more!
We want more!
We want more!
We want more!

[Black Bart]

Black Donald and co are all actual Scottish myths and legends.  I went up a Scottish mountain myself once, it was gorgeous, eerily beautiful.

[Opsa]

Aye, but didjer come down again?

[Griffin NoName]

I must defend the Glaswegians. Not much wrong with them that can't be cured

[Pachyderm]

Please don't. They are bad enough without outside assistance.

(Guess who doesn't come from Glasgow.... )