Long Winded Stories of the Ocean

[Black Bart]

Castle Cronan - a Gothic Tale of Terror

I am a young lawyer, though looking at me you would perhaps believe me to be much older.  The tale I am about to tell you is one of unimaginable terror and is not for the faint hearted.

One day as I sat at my desk in Portsmouth, a missive arrived by the post from London, which at once attracted my ernest attention.   As I opened the thick vellum envelope and removed it's contents, my nostrils were at once assailed by an odour of death and decay, as if the stench came from the bowels of a tomb (curiously after I'd removed the remnants of what appeared to be a gristle sandwich from the envelope the smell evaporated).

In the letter I was instructed to offer my services to one 'Captain Cronan' and when I looked at the advance payment therein, I made up my mind to act upon the letter's instructions at once.   Without further ado I made my preparations and that very night found me on a tall ship bound for the Eastern Mediterranean.

I journeyed ever Eastward, by ship to the eastern shores of the Adriatic and then onward by coach into the dark and mysterious land of the Cronanian Mountains.  In the foothills of the mountains we stopped at an Inn for the night.  The food, though not to our fine Portsmouth standards and heavily seasoned with Paprika, was palatable enough and the wine was quite drinkable.  As I made ready to retire to my room the young, buxom, peasant girl who had been serving my table, made inquiry as to where I was journeying in this land.  In response I said I was bound for the residence of one 'Captain Cronan'...as the words left my mouth, the whole Inn fell silent at once and the peasant girl gasped and fell into a dead swoon!

"Do not mention that name within these walls" said the Landlord, "you will bring a curse upon our heads! ...I advise you not to continue with your journey Englishman...go back to Portsmouth if you value your life!"

As I don't speak a word of Cronanian, however, I went to bed wondering what all the fuss was about and next morning set off for Castle Cronan in good spirits.

As we approached the grim edifice of the castle by a mountain pass,however, my spirits soon dampened.  Wolves howled and dark winged creatures screeched in the mist.  Any other traffic seemed to be heading very quickly away from the castle.  A horse and cart, with the words 'Laphroaig bulk shipment'  on it's side, rattled by driven by a dark, hooded figure,   Suddenly my driver pulled up his horses...he would take me no further.   As the coach disappeared into the mist I stood alone, clutching my luggage and staring up at Castle Cronan.

With an odd feeling of foreboding I approached the great gothic doors of the castle, I rapped on the door with a huge knocker, curiously shaped like a bottle of Leffe Brune.  After what seemed like about as much time as it takes to get served in the Admiral Benbow,  the door slowly creeked open.   A tremendous urge came over me to flee that place and never to return.    But the doors opened wide and there stood Captain Cronan.  I cannot describe the Captain well as the thick mist which clung to the walls of his castle seemed to envelope the man aswell.  The general effect was one of extraordinary pallor.   

One strange thing I remember well.   As I stood outside in the cold I had drawn a hip flask full of whisky from my coat to sustain my spirits against the chill air.   When Cronan set eyes on the flask he shot out a bony hand, quicker than the blink of an eye, and drained the flask at one draft!

Although I had been engaged to help Captain Cronan procure the Estate of Earwax in Portsmouth, I was to be kept against my will in that castle for many weeks.   In that time I saw many strange things, forever surrounded by the odour of TCP and the howling of the wolves without. 

I dined alone for I never saw Cronan eat.  One evening when I sat drinking some fine Moldovan wine,  Cronan approached and I offered him a glass..."No, thankyou" said the captain, "I only drink...Barley Wine".  What manner of man, or indeed creature, was Cronan.   One day I ventured into the very bowels of the castle.   In these dark, dank depths I found mounds of rotting paper fragments. The deepest of these paper slips had decayed into a pulp but the top most appeared fresher and strange words could be percieved on their surfaces: a number and always the word 'foode'.   Imagine my terror when out of this mound of decay rose the figure of Cronan hinself!   

Dear reader you can also imagine my horror when I learned that Cronan was about to take ship to my beloved England.  What destruction would he wreak in it's sleepy towns and hamlets,  what terror would he unleash on England's fair and unsuspecting people?
I lay awake at night, tossing (the thought of the buxom barmaid tormented my innocent mind), and fearing the worst if Cronan was to be unleashed on the British public.

I needn't have worried...the ship only got half way accross the Med before it sunk!

[The Black Spot]

Yarrrrr Haaaarrrr.

As I opened the thick vellum envelope and removed it's contents, my nostrils were at once assailed by an odour of death and decay, as if the stench came from the bowels of a tomb (curiously after I'd removed the remnants of what appeared to be a gristle sandwich from the envelope the smell evaporated).

Arrr, has bin a crap day. I needed a good laugh.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

ARRgh Mateys!

Eyes bin intreeg duh by de tails of Tiddles (pardun de pun) en Capn Cronan sins me deer da forged  me foist wepens ( a woodun cutlass en clothed bodkin) en eyepatch.

Wheres can eye fine en buygraffy aboot dem?

Me mate, de ships cook wonce ta rite aboot dem sins hees got a riters blok.

Sinserelee , Won Eyed Jack.

Pee Ess .Wots the history a' Big Brenda

[DaveL]

ARRgh Mateys!

Eyes bin intreeg duh by de tails of Tiddles (pardun de pun) en Capn Cronan sins me deer da forged  me foist wepens ( a woodun cutlass en clothed bodkin) en eyepatch.

Wheres can eye fine en buygraffy aboot dem?

Me mate, de ships cook wonce ta rite aboot dem sins hees got a riters blok.

Sinserelee , Won Eyed Jack.

Pee Ess .Wots the history a' Big Brenda

YArrr...

Bleedin writers block. Oi gets it meself.

To answer some of yer questions. Tiddles originated from a website Oi wuz visitin' called www.stuffonmycat.com.

It's a weird site, where cat lovers (haters) place objects on their cat, take a photo and upload it for everyone to giggle at. There was a very funny shot of this evil looking ginger cat with a flintlock pistol in it's paws.  And after a few words written around the photo, Tiddles was born. He was evil looking enough to steal your own ship off you...hence the story.

Oi be still thinkin of the next installment, but I'm hoping to write Tiddles into a few humanisitic situations like 'Tiddles gets middle aged spread' or 'Tiddles struggles to pay off his credit card'. We'll get through the mutineering first though.

YArrr... the lads will 'aves to tell ye about the origins of Cronan. It be truly scary.

[Black Bart]

The History of Big Brenda

The actual origins of Brenda McTavish be a great mystery of our modern times.  Some would point ye in the direction of one Capn Dave L who knows more than most.  I myslef went to seek out the good Captain in his quarters at Newgate Debtors prison.  Some might be shocked at the depths of squallor and depravation to which a pirate Captain had sunk, but not I, I've seen his ship!  Anyway I tossed Dave L a half a Cronan for his trouble and asked him to tell me the story of Big Brenda...he belched. hiccupped and said: "Why don't ye go an ask her yerself ye daft Welsh Git?"

It takes a brave man to call on Brenda...so I sent my First Mate Clive!  He returned a week later, Black and Blue all over and he went into a state of shock whenever I asked him about Big Brenda. 

Don't dispair however for deep in the Archives of the long lost Chronicles of Pirate Lore (Verganza) is this rare Interview with Brenda McTavish which this link will take ye to, if ye scroll down the page past all the other amusin stuff:

http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2776&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=330

[The Black Spot]

Genesis of the Cronan

I understand that some people in these parts be askin' questions about "The Fiend Who Walks".

The story of 'ow 'ee came to be is shrouded in the mists o' time, but we know that 'ee started out as a pious man, an' something unspeakable occurred that led to 'im to embrace the horrors o' the dark side.

Evidence still exists of Cronan's early days when 'ee still trod the path o' light. Look fer example at this ghastly school:

http://homepage.eircom.net/~cronews/

Once a quiet seat o' learning, this establishment 'as degenerated into a quagmire o' viciousness an' depravity. 'Tis probably the second worst school in the world.

There are other clues to 'is 'istory, but the conclusions that can be drawn from them be too terrible to contemplate.

[Black Bart]

By the Tentacles of the Kraken of Galway Firth...Tis behond belief that a place of Learning could sink so low...

I can scarcely believe that Cronan's Evil influence hath tainted these innocent lives in such a depraved way...

My god they have a section devoted to Elephant Jokes!

[Black Bart]

The Scrolls of Cronan

Archaeologists have just uncovered ancient parchment scrolls marvelously preserved after laying unseen for many long centuries.  The tale that is emerging very slowly from the site, the location of which has been kept secret, is quite terrifying.  Here I reproduce a fragment of the ancient scrolls which clearly illustrates the Fire and Brimstone being unleashed on the world by Cronan in those antidiluvian times:

[DaveL]

YArrrrr!

I'd forgotten how funny Stuff on my Cat was. There is now another site called 'Stuff on My Mutt'.

http://www.stuffonmymutt.com/

Here is a picture of Tiddle's best mate Murgatroyd doing his famous Princess Leia impersonation. 

[Calico Jack]

CRONAN'S WENCH

Amongst all the truths, untruths, myths and absolute terror that surrounds the legend that is Cap'n Cronan what of his wench.  Over the years many a story has been told of his horrific exploits but there is no mention of a wench.

This be strange in itself as all Pirate Cap'n's have a wench, some of them are creatures of beauty such as the lovely Pir-gella who captivated Dave L and then tried to steal his treasure.  Whilst others are true monsters of the deep such as Brenda McTavish who was last seen as a stunt double in the free Willy Movies.

It is assumed that Cap'n Cronan prefers cabin boys, well all Pirate Cap'n's do but Cronan has never been known to have a wench.  Or has he, this strange tale concerns the only wench to have spent time on Cronan's ship and lives to tell the tale.

Lives! well only just, she is a scrawny creature with wrinkles so deep that Keith Richard looks like a baby.  She has wild grey hair, one eye, a clubfoot and a laugh that would break a mirror from a mile away.  Oh and how she smells, birds have fallen out of the sky when the wind is blowing in the wrong direction. Over a case of Rum in The Admiral Benbow she told me her sad tale.

"I was a beauty once" she cackled sending a stench up into the air that peeled the paint off the walls "I lived in the Islands of Hawaii and was a slender beautiful creature with jet black hair.  I swam like a fish and used to swim in and out of the shallows catching fish and taking them back to my Father to cook for supper.  My Father was a big strong handsome man who was head of our tribe and he had plans for me to marry a rich handsome trader from one of the many ships that sailed through the Islands, unfortunately the man I met was no handsome trader....."

At this point a rat running across the floor stopped dead in its tracks, took one look at my companion and vomited on the floor. The Wench smiled revealing her rotting yellow teeth and I nearly died, the smell from that mouth sent me into a coma.  Several hours later when I recovered she continued her story.

"....No he was a strange man, on one of my hunting trips I surfaced in a lagoon and there I saw the strangest ship I had ever seen.  On a hot sunny day ice and mist surrounded it and bats flew in the air over it.  I tried to swim away but the air was so cold that I froze in terror, when I woke up I saw a sight that was so terrible I will never forget it and it turned me into the creature you see before you..."

The Wench stopped to take a slug out of her Rum at the same time splitting out some foul smelling flem from her mouth which burnt a hole in the floorboards.  Despite the stench I was intrigued, "You mean to say you are a young woman" I said "What did Cronan do to change you from a fair maiden into an old bag"

She smiled again but this time I averted my gaze in time and the full force of her foulness was concentrated on a young swab at the bar who took one look at her and plunged a cutlass in his side and collapsed in a bloody heap on the floor.

"....I woke up in his quarters and.." she quivered "I saw him, he's not human, he was small and wiry with grey hair, going slightly bald. He was very smart wearing a suit and tie despite the heat of the tropics. His eyes they were glazed and he spoke very slowly in a slurred voice.  It was the smell" she continued, "It was stale beer and TCP and he carried The Black Fish Head....". 

I was shocked no-one who has ever seen The Black Fish Head has ever lived to tell the tale.

"....At that point I fainted and when I woke up I was alone on a beach and I had turned into the creature you see today, Cronan left me a note which I kept,, let me read it to you"

"When I saw you in the lagoon, I thought here is a beauty that I can make my wench but like all the others before you, you suddenly turned from Cameron Diaz into Nora Batty, even my bats froze at the sight of you and they are blind.  From being captivated I was disgusted, be away with you now and never darken my doors again"

At that point I suddenly understood why Cap'n Cronan never has a wench, many a beauty has crossed his path only to turn into the hideous creature that was sitting next to me.  "So what do you do now" I asked and wish I hadn't "Well" she cackled "It has been many a year since I had a.....".  However I didn't wait to hear her words I leapt through the window and fled towards the harbour and left town that night.  I never saw that wench again and for that I am truly grateful.

[Griffin NoName]

CRONAN'S RE-BIRTH

Aaaaaaaaar!  Over the years Oi erd turrible tales of Cronan's penchant for re-birthing. Many years will pass, sometimes several thousand, where the land is free and bountiful. People go about their lives and the birds in the sky sing their golden tunes until the lands darken and the wind blows and the fear builds in the hearts of the people. There happens a deafening thunderclap, flashes of evil genius blacken the heavens, and Cronan strides once more upon the earth.

Yesterday, Oi were mindin me own business when me ship's radio operator got a strange blimp in his equipment. Cap'n look at this, 'e sez ter me. Oi teks one look and reaches fer me bottle of Old Peculiar. That be no ordinary blimp, Oi sez ter me radio operator, that be the mark o' Cronan. It be a sign e' be abowt ter try that re-birthin' stunt agin. Batten down the hatches. Haul in ther sails. Every last man ter his cabin.

Oi be tellin ye all, ye best not be found on this earth when Cronan walks agin.

[beagle]

So sort of like a Madonna come-back tour then?

[Black Bart]

The Terrible Stranger

Let us regale ourselves with outlandish tales of Lucky escapes and daring do's at sea.

Gather round me hearties, pull up a chair fore the hearth, grab a tankard o grog, light up yer pipe or spliff...and settle down to hear my tale...

As I looked up after this announcement I noticed the Inn was completely empty...couldn't be anything to do with me story tellin, why the clientele loved my Salty Tales. Only the other week after I'd spouted a particularly long winded escapade, they all voted to send me on an all expenses paid trip to the Far Tortuga Isles as a token of gratitude.

No...the Inn was deserted because a man was standing in the doorway...a more terrifyin creature I never hope to see if I lives to be a hundred. His top coat and hat were black, like the feathers of a raven. He wore a vicious cutlass and a brace of pistols. A dirty livid scar ran across one cheek and a black eye patch sat over one eye. The other eye seemed to glow with hatred as he took in the view before him...and that view consisted only of me and the back of the landlord as he scarpered through the rear entrance.

This monstrous figure approached and sat down opposite me.

"Get me some grog" he demanded, and without hesitation I went to fetch him the very best ale in the house.

"Get me some meat" again I scampered off to fetch him a nicely roasted chicken.

For some time he sat eating, drinking and belching loudly, but he always kept his one cruel eye on me. At last he finished his animal like feasting, he banged his fist on the table and demanded: "Fetch me a woman!" I protested that I was only a humble story teller that I had no access to members of the fairer sex...he drew his great cutlass and held it to my throat..."Get me a woman now, and she'd better be to me loikin or I'll skin ye alive" he raged. I scuttled off to madame Fifi's and procured the services of her best Parisian girl.

He took the girl into a back room and ordered me to wait outside. The noises comin from that room made me blood curdle and I wanted to run for me loif. But I was too terrified of that creature comin after me. What more could he want of me?

The terrifyin man went on drinkin grog all afternoon and into the night, I was worn out with fear and the effort of doing his beck and call. Suddenly he rears up out of his seat, kicking the chair across the room and draws his cutlass..."I wants a fight" he says, "get yerself a weapon and face me loik a man"...He towered menacingly above me...

I was facing certain death so I begged him for my life..."Oh please god no" I sobbed, "I can't fight you now...it's 11 of the clock, Cap'n Cronan will be in for his bedtime story!"

The huge monster of a man gasped and went as pale as a ghost: "CCCCCap'n Cronan" he stuttered, "Cap'n Cronan comin here...Now!"
"AAAARRRRRRRRRGH" He screamed in abject terror as he fled through the door into the night...

...and he was ne'r seen again.

Shortly afterwards Cronan came in and demanded his usual Grog, Grog,Grog...the Greatest Hits of Westloif and his bedtime tale of 'Fluffy Bunny and his chums'. It's a hard loif!

*********************************************************

(No Parisian girls were harmed during the making of this story)

(Cap'n Cronan appears courtesy of TCP productions)

[Bruder Cuzzen]

              Cronans Curse .....A ( not so ) Scary Story


  It wasn't the most pleasant day for the journey from London to NewPortsmouth , the drizzling rain made the dawn a dreary one . By noon my companions and employers Sir Percival Bimbleton Fusslebottom , Lord  Lawrence Laudbabble Dubbelspeakerbee and myself , Jim Lad , humble junior clerk at Ripyaneuwin Bank were approaching the outskiirts of town .
Most of the skirts were of a stripper variety hanging from various tree limbs , the odd tree would have large moo moo style pink ones . It was a sign that we had found the correct road to New Portsmouth .


My employers wished to purchase an ARRGH 9000  for perposes unbenownst to me , perhaps their motives were noble for they are bankers and nobility , not from any sort of group that that would place an air of superiority upon themselves.
By the time we reached the edge of town the rain was falling down heavily and we were drenched to the marrow . We directed our steaming steads to slow down through town as we sought shelter from this portentous bit of pathetic fallacy .

There were many establishments to select from , Madame Fifi's , Smells Better Dennit Looks RestARRaunt , Madame Chantals , Tastes Okay2Me RestARRant  or The Admiral Benbow . We decided to chance Madame Fifi's for  Capn. Dave and crew  .

I have never in my young life been to such a place , the painted faces of the women appeared unnatural yet appealing , the air was scented with flowers and all manner of sweet bouquet yet they could not mask the smell of alcohol , vomit and decay as we approached the parlor .

We recognized Capn Dave from the wanted posters , " Soze ye want ta buy an ARRgh 9000 eh ? "

As he opened his mouth a cloud of corruption issued forth ,sending me reeling backwards into the arms of the females , they molested me with  a ferocity trying to steal my garmints and what little treasure contained therein . I shot up , repulsed by the contact with these scantily clad , well endowed , writhing , wiggling , jiggling , giggling , sashaying travesty of matronly femaleness .

"ARR! , relax en have a drink Jim Lad !"

" I do not encourage the consumption of such vile potables , sir pirate " , I replied , " nor shall I imbibe with you now !"

Indeed I have never done any drinking , smoking or cavorting of any sort ... sitting about adding numbers all day  suits me quite well .

" Well sores , I always be closing a rip...er...transaction wid a pint ove Cronans Curse so drink up iffen ye wants ye commishshun Jim Lad ! " He poured some of the Curse in a mug and pushed it to my mouth , some sloshed in as i gasped to protest but then i swallowed a nosh accidentally of the potent brew .

I felt sick in an instant , I felt myself fighting for control of my senses , " GET  AWAY CAPN DAVE ! " , I raged as the vile Capn filled up my mug all the while laughing manically . I struggled for balance and sanity .

My internal struggles were for naught and I could see through my befuddlement the debaucheries that followed ...the women ... the drinking of yet more Cronans Curse compounded the excesses committed until darkness veiled my vision  .

The next day i found myself with headaches , unemployed , stripped of dignity , clothes and money . An itchy feeling was more of a burning sensation every second that passed .

Capn Dave swaggered into my vision and said , " Ye be a game wun Jim Lad buts oime oft fer me next con job ...er...bidness deal...oime taken the Curse wid me ..."

The Captain and the bottle of Cronan's Curse was leaving , i was once again Jim Lad , a bi speckled 6 stone junior clerk destined to life with numbers , abject boredom  , a leaky facet and drudgery  ...

As sobriety slowly returned , my cleansed mind  screamed in anguish and torment that a horsie , fate and a bottle  could bring me to such shame and dispair..." COME BACK DAVE ! COMEBACK!" ...I cried as  i stumbled after Cap.....

[Bruder Cuzzen]

                                             The Queens and The Flying Dutchmen


  Twas the 5th of September when the crews of the Cheering , Raging , Flaming and Dancing Queens decided to have a boarding party aboard the Flying Dutchmen .
The plan was greeted with enthusiasm by all except for one of the cooks , " ye all be daft ! " , said Chow who promptly went to back to snoring .

The crews went off without  a clue where to look and soon found themselves in the Atlantic braving November gales , " Oh I give up ! ,the freezing rain is ruining my new feathers" ,  complained Capt. Lance .

Low and behold a forbidding ship loomed on the horizon .

"Tis da Dutchmen ! " , cried Birdie from the crows nest .

The Queens signaled one another and the race was on , The Raging Queen reached the Dutchmen first and gloated as the seamen prepared to grapple .
Captains Roque and LiberARRchee whined as they approached ," No fair , you gotta head start ! "

As the combined complement of seamen (and wimmim ) trod the decks leaving stains all about , the old ship's timbers creaked and moaned .

" This is positively ghastly , " said Lance  " .
Indeed , the ships warnings in the otherwise  eerie stillness , the ominous foreboding of the dark skies and the skeletons would send lessor men to water the POop deck .

" Yeah , I'm a lessor man ,  lets bug off " , said Chow.

" NOooooooo  , We must do something about this ! , Declared Lance .

" Awwww shi* ! , exclaimed the kook .

The Queens' seamen (and seawimmim ) took the matter to a vote and with one exception to the almost unanimous vote set about spiffing up the old hulk , within a single hour the Dutchmen was gleaming like a pearl in the sun ( because the sky clears ) .

" Wonderful work people " , said Capt Fabio , " and thanks for staying out of the way Cookie " , he said to Lance's chef .

" No prob Cap " , he replied , " if I can  help from my hammock , any time matey " .

All hands except for one who snored out loud , " what a bunch o wankers " , decided to rename the ship .
With a bottle of Don Parigon the Cheering , Raging , Flaming and Dancing Queens' crew sent the ship to be now known as " The Flying Dutchess " upon the seas .