Movie rules/cliches game

[Swatopluk]

We all are accustomed to certain convention and/or cliches in movies.
This game's aim is to collect them in the form of "rules".

e.g.:

The probability of the hero to be hit by a shot from the bad guys is inversely proportional to the number of bad guys shooting at the hero.
i.e.: the hero is perfectly safe, when a whole army is firing at him/her, a single opponent on the other hand might be quite dangerous.

[beagle]

Some that occur to me:


Never, ever, talk about the farm you are going to buy after the war.

Remember that as a film character you are able to hail a taxi instantly, even in the middle of nowhere.

If your character has a Russian, German or British accent (or a moustache) you are the baddy; make your excuses and leave two thirds of the way through the film, while you're ahead.

Never bother packing your rifle. A small hand gun will do nicely up to a range of two hundred yards (as long as you're the goody).

If you're the baddy ensure that your secret headquarters' air conditioning ducts are no wider than a small rat. Do not label the self-destruct button or waste time gloating before dispatching the hero by the simplest and quickest means possible.

If you're a teenager in a slasher movie under no circumstances have sex/take drugs/explore the basement on your own. These risk factors combine multiplicatively.

When you arrive on a new planet under no circumstances go up to the nearest strange plant, stick your nose in it and say "hey this cute".

If you're the hero in a war film try and remember that surviving and winning the war get you no points compared to getting the girl; regard the war as an irritating background noise to your rivalry with the other suitors.

[Swatopluk]

Keep away from Luger (Pistole 08 Parabellum) pistols. They are cursed.
If you don't get rid of them fast, you'll be killed.

[Black Bart]

If you are a soldier guarding an outpost or a trench, never say to your comrade:
'hey would you like to see this photo of my wife and kids?'

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

- seven seconds after you think you killed the monster, it will attack you.

- all police officers are shot on the last day before their retirement.

- wounds heal near-instantaneously, unless central to the plot.

- a police officer being shot on the last day before retirement is always central to the plot.

[Swatopluk]

If there is a little child with a pet dog you are safe in its vicinity.
Important exeptions:
1.Alfred Hitchcock directs the film (then you will be blown up in a few moments.
2.The bad guys are commies. Then you are only save until they shoot the dog.

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

- automobiles are impenetrable to bullets when a good guy is hiding behind one

- automobiles will explode with a single shot once the good guy runs away from one, or when one is shot at by the good guy

[Bluenose]

You can jump off a moving train or out of a moving car without any risk of persnal harm.

All automatic weapons used by heros have special magazines that allow the user to fire for up to three of four minutes at a time before needing to be replaced instead of the usual three seconds for everyday guns.

The hero's magazine will only ever need to be replaced during a lull in the shooting and when he/she is safely behind a bulletproof solid object.

A desk is a bulletproof solid object.

Hero clothes dry instantly after immersion in water.

The heroine's hair is always perfect when she wakes up in the morning.

[Swatopluk]

The bad guy is the one with the obnoxious pet (white poodle or cat preferred).

Depending on the age of the film the murderer is either the butler or the law enforcemnet guy.

In Italy the local chief of police is also the head of the local mafia
(similar in American film noirs)

[goat starer]

eating, sleeping and going to the toilet are not for the likes of the action hero.

[Swatopluk]

A society has to decide, whether it wants to have intelligent robots or working automatic weapon targeting systems. As uncounted SF films prove, most societies choose the former. (Therefore we will probably never have intelligent robots).

In spacecrafts the vector of gravity is always at right angles to the vector of thrust except in chase scenes when the scoundrel hero stands next to the snob lady.

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

All alien species fall into one of two categories:
- those that will try to eat humans
- those that humans can successfully mate with

[goat starer]

All humans fall into two categories. Those that shoot aliens and those that mate with them (except captain kirk who will do both)

[beagle]

A surprisingly high proportion of aliens have English as their first language.

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

If an alien speaks English with a British accent, then he/she/it is evil.