Movie rules/cliches game

[Swatopluk]

We all are accustomed to certain convention and/or cliches in movies.
This game's aim is to collect them in the form of "rules".

e.g.:

The probability of the hero to be hit by a shot from the bad guys is inversely proportional to the number of bad guys shooting at the hero.
i.e.: the hero is perfectly safe, when a whole army is firing at him/her, a single opponent on the other hand might be quite dangerous.

[beagle]

Some that occur to me:


Never, ever, talk about the farm you are going to buy after the war.

Remember that as a film character you are able to hail a taxi instantly, even in the middle of nowhere.

If your character has a Russian, German or British accent (or a moustache) you are the baddy; make your excuses and leave two thirds of the way through the film, while you're ahead.

Never bother packing your rifle. A small hand gun will do nicely up to a range of two hundred yards (as long as you're the goody).

If you're the baddy ensure that your secret headquarters' air conditioning ducts are no wider than a small rat. Do not label the self-destruct button or waste time gloating before dispatching the hero by the simplest and quickest means possible.

If you're a teenager in a slasher movie under no circumstances have sex/take drugs/explore the basement on your own. These risk factors combine multiplicatively.

When you arrive on a new planet under no circumstances go up to the nearest strange plant, stick your nose in it and say "hey this cute".

If you're the hero in a war film try and remember that surviving and winning the war get you no points compared to getting the girl; regard the war as an irritating background noise to your rivalry with the other suitors.

[Swatopluk]

Keep away from Luger (Pistole 08 Parabellum) pistols. They are cursed.
If you don't get rid of them fast, you'll be killed.

[Black Bart]

If you are a soldier guarding an outpost or a trench, never say to your comrade:
'hey would you like to see this photo of my wife and kids?'

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

- seven seconds after you think you killed the monster, it will attack you.

- all police officers are shot on the last day before their retirement.

- wounds heal near-instantaneously, unless central to the plot.

- a police officer being shot on the last day before retirement is always central to the plot.

[Swatopluk]

If there is a little child with a pet dog you are safe in its vicinity.
Important exeptions:
1.Alfred Hitchcock directs the film (then you will be blown up in a few moments.
2.The bad guys are commies. Then you are only save until they shoot the dog.

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

- automobiles are impenetrable to bullets when a good guy is hiding behind one

- automobiles will explode with a single shot once the good guy runs away from one, or when one is shot at by the good guy

[Bluenose]

You can jump off a moving train or out of a moving car without any risk of persnal harm.

All automatic weapons used by heros have special magazines that allow the user to fire for up to three of four minutes at a time before needing to be replaced instead of the usual three seconds for everyday guns.

The hero's magazine will only ever need to be replaced during a lull in the shooting and when he/she is safely behind a bulletproof solid object.

A desk is a bulletproof solid object.

Hero clothes dry instantly after immersion in water.

The heroine's hair is always perfect when she wakes up in the morning.

[Swatopluk]

The bad guy is the one with the obnoxious pet (white poodle or cat preferred).

Depending on the age of the film the murderer is either the butler or the law enforcemnet guy.

In Italy the local chief of police is also the head of the local mafia
(similar in American film noirs)

[goat starer]

eating, sleeping and going to the toilet are not for the likes of the action hero.

[Swatopluk]

A society has to decide, whether it wants to have intelligent robots or working automatic weapon targeting systems. As uncounted SF films prove, most societies choose the former. (Therefore we will probably never have intelligent robots).

In spacecrafts the vector of gravity is always at right angles to the vector of thrust except in chase scenes when the scoundrel hero stands next to the snob lady.

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

All alien species fall into one of two categories:
- those that will try to eat humans
- those that humans can successfully mate with

[goat starer]

All humans fall into two categories. Those that shoot aliens and those that mate with them (except captain kirk who will do both)

[beagle]

A surprisingly high proportion of aliens have English as their first language.

[Sibling Lambicus the Toluous]

If an alien speaks English with a British accent, then he/she/it is evil.

[beagle]

If seeking employment as Bond's driver/assistant/love interest then don't bother asking about the pension scheme.

[Swatopluk]

In fantasy and martial art movies the bad guys attack the hero in single file so (s)he can dispatch of them one after the other.

Bad guys that are masters with the revolver can't count to six. Ask them to demonstarte their mastership until they have fired their last bullet, then you can attack them easily. Warning: there have been 7-shooters spotted in some parts of the West.

[Sibling Kephra (Tansy)]

- If you are a villain; never, *never* monologue.

- Concerning Star Trek; should you be an ensign, and wearing the red uniform; you *will* be chosen for the first excursion onto the new planet and killed.

- The leading lady sleeps with makeup on and it never smears.

- People can manage to have sex with the bedsheets wrapped around in between them.

- Cartoon charecters are safe while walking on air, until they look down.  Then they're screwed.

[Swatopluk]

Movie bedsheets have to be asymmetric, covering the female upper body but not the male.

[Sibling Chatty]

R rated movie baths have multiple areas on which to place innumerable candles, as well as room for a champagne cooler and 2 wineglasses, no matter how small the apartment or home.

There are multiple discreet mirrors as well, although these are not apparent during non-candlelit bathing scenes.

[Swatopluk]

Time bombs can't be defused until a few seconds before explosions, so don't bother before it's down to about 20.

If you are the good guy, it does not matter how many people you kill and how much property you destroy.

In the middle of nowhere there are only two types of objects likely to fall down on you: pianos and anvils.

There is a sure way to guarantee the repetition of an unlikely event:
saying "...this can't happen again..."

[DeadPoet]

Candles and torches inside old dungeons, crypts, temples or pyramid can burn for thousands of years. The air remains breathable.

[Swatopluk]

Slight correction. There is a tomb/dungeon maintenance staff (mummies?) changing the torches on a regular schedule.

If you shout at the top of your lungs, nobody will hear you but if you whisper something important, someone (wrong) will.

In SciFi movies Aristotelean physics rules.

[DeadPoet]

Talking about Sci-Fi movies, even the smallest guns provide enough energy for endless high-energy laser-blasts.

[Swatopluk]

Unfortunately the speed of light is reduced so radically that it is easily possible to make evasive maneuvers.

If you are not sure, whether somebody is a bad guy or a good guy, look for the color his laser weapon/ray gun produces.

Regardless of the blaster's power to melt everything down, it will not penetrate the outer hull of the ship from the inside.

In outer space there is a speed limit far below the speed of light.

[goat starer]

sharks eat boats

oilrigs are invariably a front for evil organisations

If someone calls you senor frisk him for weapons

[The Black Spot]

The madman with the hatchet will always murder each victim in a new, inventive fashion.

[Swatopluk]

If you are a private eye: Never trust the beautiful and mysterious female client.

To run a hearse you must be either a ham, a mafioso or a necronerd

[rumblemonk]

toliet humor is always funny

[Swatopluk]

Check the color of your hat to determine whether you are a good or a bad guy. Therefore always carry enough whitewash and soot with you to change the color in a hurry.

[Black Bart]

When a nice young Jedi is going over to the Dark side, his eyes turn red but none of the other Jedi notice. They probably just think he's got a contact lense problem!

[Swatopluk]

The colder the climate the less clothing the barbarians wear.

Fur bras are fashionable independently of climate in the stone age

There are dinosaurs in the stone age

[Black Bart]

You were almost certain to meet Raquel Welch in the stoneage!

[Swatopluk]

Did we have the one about the secret society of large mirror carriers already (always walking rectangular to chases)?

[Duke]

I just watched Dr. No, and I learned a few things:

Evil crime-lords are quite hospitable.

Your Walther can be soaked for hours and still work perfectly.

Jail cells are really quite easy to escape.


Duke

[Sibling Kephra (Tansy)]

Creepy little boys can say nothing for the first 6 or 7 years of their life, and glare alot.  But Mom notices nothing's up until he actually attacks her.  (The Omen)

[Swatopluk]

A variation to an earlier one:
Taxis always come in pairs. One for the first person to use, the other for the chaser. I suspect a secret masterplan by the taxi companies to maximize profit (drivers are probably schooled to keep the distance constant and change it only to keep the illusion of an actual chase alive).