Simple Jokes Thread

[Griffin NoName]

^^

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

[pieces o nine]

A priest came to a dying man to read him the last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.

"This is no time to be making enemies!" replied the man.

[Swatopluk]

This is an old one from the Soviet Union

There is a rumor that some desired but rare commodity is to be had at the grocery shop, so of course there is a long line hours before the shop opens.
At last the shop manager comes out and says: 'Unfortunately there is not enough for everyone. The Jews can go home.' After a few hours he comes out a second time and says: 'Unfortunately it is still not enough for the remaining. Anyone not in the Party can go home' The party members are let in into the shop but there is nothing there. The shop manager says: 'Comrades, now that we are among ourselves I have to tell you: there is actually nothing to be had today. Sorry.' One of the present customers: 'Why do the Jews always get preferential treatment?'

[roystonoboogie]

  Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Oh - you've already heard this one?

I got a new flat on the 19th floor of this tower block. I used to live on the 20th floor, but that's another storey.

[Swatopluk]

Why are ants not in the Church?
Because they are in|sects

[Swatopluk]

Here is a nice links to special jokes

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1h1cyg/whats_the_most_intellectual_joke_you_know/

A hundred kilopascals go into a bar...

[pieces o nine]

^ some good material there, Swato.   

[Swatopluk]

Missing Letter Books
http://www.pleated-jeans.com/2013/07/01/book-titles-with-one-letter-missing-20-pics/

[Griffin NoName]

<quote Woody Allen>

Anyone know about oral contraception?

I once had an experience of oral contraception.

I asked a woman to have sex with me.

She said no.

[Swatopluk]

What do you call a Japanese ganster kid?

a jacuzzi

[Swatopluk]

A Scotsman' letter to the editor:
Dear Sir
Any more Scotsman jokes in your paper an I'll stop borrowing it.

Btw, what are Scotsmen?
Answer: Suebians that got banished for profligacy

[Griffin NoName]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who on earth did your hair?"

[Opsa]

LOL! Excellent one, Griffin.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Brilliant!