Simple Jokes Thread

[Swatopluk]

And here's another classic on the comma*:

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eats,_Shoots_%26_Leaves

[Aggie]

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?


A comma is a pause at the end of a clause; a cat has claws at the end of its paws.

[Swatopluk]

Why should one avoid to use too many commas?

You'll end commatose.

[Aphos]

Really, really needs a comma.

[Aggie]

Or a couple of exclamation points!! 

[Swatopluk]

But: "Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind."

In this case a deceased one could be the result though too.

Btw, should "deceased" not be the opposite of "ceased" (as e.g. in construct and deconstruct)? A person that has ceased to be be thus should not be "deceased", which in this context sounds like zombification linguistically.

[Aggie]

Really!!!!!!!?  Is that true?!!!!!

It's not a diseased mind right now, just a damaged one. I've been nursing a concussion for a week and a half:

Well, some unexpected snow decided to show up, so I got the chance yesterday to try the Stickies out in some moderate (7-10 cm) powder conditions. They were great! Lots of fun dropping into steep terrain. Didn't tweak the binding settings, and I think next time I'd set them back a bit more. Might be a while till next time though....

Near the end of my first run, ripping a green groomer to get back to the lift, I swung to the right under the path of a snow machine to avoid a fast but wide-turning run hog while overtaking said hog. I'm not sure exactly what happened (snow plume reduced visibility for a couple of seconds), but my guess is that I dropped into some sort of a powder-filled hole or depression and caught my tips at speed. Cue a sudden, high-speed green run tomahawk of at least two full rotations. The first impact was pretty much smack on the top of my head, and my head made it back to the ground at least once more before I stopped (kind of lost count...). I wear a helmet at all times, of course. After coming to a stop and doing a quick self-assessment, my upper back between my shoulder blades was pretty cranky, and my bell had been pretty firmly rung, but nothing seemed broken. When I went to get to my feet, one of my boards felt a bit... floppy.

(photo omitted)

Yep, clean break through the top sheet, core and sidewalls (ptex and edges survived). I was pretty close to the bottom of the hill, so it wasn't a problem to make it down, hit the truck, grab my Spliffs and get back on the gondy. I rode till the end of the day, another 5 1/2 hours or so. Lots of stretches along the way to nudge my back into shape, and by the end I was starting to clue in that I had a minor concussion, but hey it was the first fresh snowfall of the season.
​

To be clear, the break was 100% the result of the crash and not a contributing factor. I'm pretty sure it must have happened on my first rotation, after my head left the ground... I'm guessing my tail planted in the snow when my feet came around and snapped as my body rotated up and around for my next head-plant. Seems pretty consistent with the placement and degree of the break. So no fault on the Stickies, here. Not sure on my travel speed but it was probably somewhere in the 60-70 km/h range given the terrain and general feel of it (that's fast-comfortable, as opposed to the scary-fast 100 km/h top speeds that I sometimes hit on steeper groomers).

I guess I shouldn't have opened up my mouth about being willing to buy another pair of Stickies if this one got trashed. I was picturing some core shots and chewed up edges, not catastrophic dismemberment. I guess I've got a spare board for next time. Ah well, it was a fun 4 days, while it lasted... and I will be back for another pair!


Woke up this morning feeling thoroughly sh**kicked, to see that we got even more fresh snow (11 cm) overnight. I was too smashed to shred today, with a lingering headache and sore muscles all over the place, especially my shoulders, core muscles and for some reason, my inner thighs. My back, where it felt like I has done some damage post-crash, is actually feeling all right, so continuing to ride and stretch much have done it some good.

The moral of this story?? Green runs are dangerous. Stick to double-blacks.

[Swatopluk]

A cosine function meets a couple of sine functions.
"What do I have to do to become part of your group?"
"That's easy. Just integrate."

[Aphos]

...groan...

[Griffin]

.........another...........groan

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

Calculus is no joke!
 

[Swatopluk]

Neither is inflammation of the sinuses.
Burning waves?

[Aggie]

Had to visit the emergency department today for something tangentially related to a sinus infection (change of symptoms in a respiratory illness I thought I was recovering from - most visibly and visibility reducing was a nasty, gooey case of conjunctivitis that had my eye glued shut most of last night). May be a bacterial secondary infection, so I got handed some amoxicillin.


How do you park in a roundabout?

At a tangent to the curb. 

[Aggie]

The Canadian dollar hasn't been doing so well of late. It's a pretty typical pattern; it will sit near-parity with the US dollar for a while, then take prolonged deep dives before occasionally surfacing again.

I guess that's what you get when you name your currency after the loon!

Our two-dollar coin instead features a polar bear, which are also able to undertake impressive dives:
https://oceanwide-expeditions.com/blog/polar-bear-sets-impressive-new-diving-record

I'm certain by halfway through the second Trump presidency, even our 5 dollar bill won't have two good legs to stand on!


(this is certainly a deep-dive Canadian joke - the punchline would be largely considered blasphemous against our cultural identity and might get me cancelled  up here)

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

I thought by the end of DTs term you would be using bucks instead of loonies...

(I know, that one is in very poor taste, but the name of the thread is simple jokes, not good or tasteful... )