There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
This is a little longer joke, but still very loveable I think:
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
ooOoo... jokes section...
Two sausages are in a pan. One sits up and says to the other: "Whew! It's really getting hot here, eh?" The other one sits up and says: "AAAGGGHH!!! TALKING SAUSAGE!!!"
Why is life like a shit sandwich?
Because, the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat!
Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
Because it's f-wordy close to water...
*******************************
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Bad joke:
Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies!
;D
Worse joke.
How did Hitler tie his shoes??
In little knotzies!!
(I'll get my coat...)
One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk."
The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it.
After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay."
The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye.
The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar."
The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay.
The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500.
In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why.
The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
A bit of irony for y'all: The Clean Calgary Association EcoStore across the street is having a Buy Nothing Day Sale. Really. BND posters everywhere.... and 15% off!
What did the snail say when he got a piggy back ride from tht turtle?
(Slow and drawn out) "Wwwhhheeeee....."
The Rules of Life
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests tat you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
38. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
39. Remember, the aircraft that you travel in was built by the guy with the lowest tender!
40. Your friends love you anyway.
Zen Judaism
Excerpted from the book, "Zen Judaism" by David Bader:
April 11, 2005
If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third... peace.
With the fourth... a danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?
Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says,"Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving
kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you
to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
Two of 'em. Truely terrible, but I like them
God originally created woman with three breasts, but the middle one kept getting in the way, and so God preformed surgery to remove it. Afterward, he looked at i, and asked, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"
And so God created man.
Diarrhea's hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
There is a sort of unspoken tradition in the Navy that if a sailor can come up with a truly inventive but believable excuse, one that the captain has not heard before, he will get off.
On this particular ship there was a sailor, Able-seaman Jones. Jones was notorious for always being adrift (returning onboard late from shore leave) and always had a different, unbelievable excuse.
One morning during a port visit the Captain noticed that there was a particularly long line of saiors outside the regulating office when he went to perform his duties at the Captain's Table. He noticed Jones amongst the throng and sighed heavily to himself thinking that this was going to be a bad morning.
The first sailor was brought in and duly charged with being adrift by 15 minutes. The captain asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. The sailor said "well, Sir, I had been out in the countryside and I realised that it was getting close to time to return onboard so I hired a horse drawn cart to get me back in time. Everything was going fine and I would have been back in time except when we were about a half a mile from the ship the horse collapsed and died and I had to run the rest of the way and that is why I was late." Well, the captain had never heard this one before so he said "Ok Sailor, I'll let you off this time, but in future, please ensure that you allow for unforseen sicrcumstances and aim to get back earlier. Case dismissed!"
The next sailor was led in and it seemed that he too had had his horse collapse and die on him on the way back to the ship. smelling a rat, named Able-Seaman Jones, the Captain waited for the sailor to finish and then said "Case proved. Seven dayd extra duties. Next case!"
Again the sailor trotted out the same excuse and so on, each sailor making the same excuse and the captain was getting more and more non-plussed.
Finally Able-seaman Jones was led in. "Don't tell me, Jones," said the Captain "you hired a cart..." but before he could finish Jones piped in with "Oh no Sir, I was walking back to the ship. I would have made it in plenty of time too, Sir, but when I was about half a mile from the ship the road was blocked up by all these dead horses..."
In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
junior, what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
expression on his face.
Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
devour wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Here's some fuzzy math...
During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?
_________________________________________
Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."*
__________________________________________
* some versions have St Peter saying instead:
"You go to Hell, George!"
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
Warning, this joke is PG-rated, if you are not to read it, but do it, it's not my responsibility (and don't say I didn't warn you):
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."
===============================================
And here's a little maths picture:
(http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i5/bronko84/maths2.jpg)
A rabbi and a Roman catholic priest dine together in a restaurant.
While the priest eats large slices of pork he asks the rabbi:
Pork is so good, when will you at last see the truth and eat it?
Answers the rabbi: On your wedding, reverend!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Why is a cheap hotel like a cheap suit?
No ballroom. ;D
End of April 1945, Germany.
Everyone is mustered and examined for the Volkssturm
First involuntary recruit: I have a headache
Examiner: You have a headache? I have one too, The Führer has one. Who hasn't these days? Fit!
Second involuntary recruit: I have stomach ache
Examiner: You have stomach ache? I have that too, The Führer has too. Who hasn't these days? Fit!
Third involuntary recruit: I am a complete idiot
The SAS, Royal Marines and Police are sent to a barracks in the country for a training couse in survival techniques.
The instructor sends each team out into the woods with the instruction to return with a rabbit to cook for dinner.
The SAS team is out for ten minutes and, after a single shot rings out, quickly returns with a dead rabbit, neatly shot in the middle of the forehead. The instructor says "Well done".
After another thirty minutes, and the sound of thunderflashes, grenades and machine guns, the marines return with a slightly charred and bullet-ridden rabbit. "Hmm, OK" says the instructor.
For the next three hours there is the sound of car tyres quealing, and radio chatter, before the police team finally returns with a mangy looking live squirrel.
"Are you taking the piss?" says the instructor. "I said a rabbit. Try again".
Another three hours pass before the police team returns, with the same squirrel, only this time it has two broken legs and a black eye.
"What the hell are you playing at?" says the instructor. In response the team leader says nothing, but nudges the squirrel, which says "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit".
I can't remember where I heard this one originally, but here's the version I found in a quick Google search:
QuoteThe German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
I think this one is by Red Green.
I shall never see the sky so blue
I shall never see the sea so green
I shall never see another day such as this
Because I looked at the sun through binoculars.
A blonde was driving down the street in a panic because she was late and and couldn't find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Oh Lord, please take pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."
Miraculously, an empty spot appeared.
She looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
A catholic priest goes out at night and washes the car of the new rabbi of the neighbourhood synagogue. He wants to know how the rabbi will react.
A few days later he catches the rabbi sawing off the exhaust pipe of his (the priest's) car.
Why are you doing this?
Answers the rabbi: You baptized my car, so I considered it appropriate to circumcise yours.
Posted intact from an email I received:
HUMOR To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughin' Souls)
Wisdom from Grandpa:
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
www.digitalfog.com/gallery/arrowhead_beer.htm
Woman A: I stayed in bed with arthritis for almost a week recently.
Womna B: Oh, those nice Greek men! They still have stamina!
A: Bad acoustics in this room
B. Now that you say it, I can smell it too.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Blair is looking out the window in 10 Downing Street and then says to his wife (with a very worried look on his face): "Cherie, dear. There is a policeman standing in front of the house right now."
"Don't worry! He's been standing there for several years now."
You pre-empted today's Telegraph cartoon. A head poked round the door of Number 10 asking the policeman outside "Are you guarding or arresting today?".
Man seeks job in the circus
Director: What's your specialty?
Man: bird imitator
Director: old hat, not interested.
Man: Okay (spreads his arms and flies away)
Horse coming into the inn.
It walks up one wall, along the ceiling, down the other wall, up to the bar and buys a pint of pale ale. It downs it, walks up the wall again, along the ceiling, down the other wall and out the door.
Man at bar to innkeeper: Isn't that amazing? Do you understand what just happened
Innkeeper: No, im as speechless as you. Usually it orders bitter.
Speeding??
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: "I can't do that. "
Officer: "Why not? "
Older Woman: "I stole this car. "
Officer: "Stole it? "
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what? "
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
Hehehehe....
Kiyo, that reminds of this...
[true story mode]
Years ago, when I was about 14 or so, I was with my father travelling back to Melbourne from holidays. Anyway, we were travelling through the town of Holbrook which was notorious for its traffic cops and their zealousness for catching speeding motorists. Dad was not paying close enough attention to his speed and we duly got pulled over by a crusty old police Sergeant who came up to the driver's side window and said to my old man "OK, so where's your pilot's licence for low flying?" Dad, who had been a commercial pilot for B.O.A.C. (after serving in the Royal Navy as a pilot) reached into his wallet and got out his old (and out of date) pilots licence and handed it over to the cop. Fortunately, he had a good sense of humour and laughed and said "OK, I suppose it was bound to happen one day. Make sure I don't catch you speeding in this town again..." and he let us go. Neither Dad, nor myself once I was old enough to drive, ever sped anywhere near Holbrook since then.
[/true story mode]
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he'd like a drink. Descartes responds 'I think not,' and disappears.
[parenthesis]
A bit late but...
Quote from: Kiyoodle the Gambrinous on May 04, 2007, 12:13:02 AM
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75...
...if you are doing 80mph in I-75 it is quite unlikely that a cop will pull you over, unless you are driving like a real maniac (reckless driving). In fact you may even do 85 and they might ignore you (now, go 1 mile higher and
then they'll get you).
[/parenthesis]
Carry on...
Well, I couldn't know that, and it was just a joke I've found on the internet... :)
Another nic joke, just to carry on with this thread:
Divorce Letter
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife
*********************************************************** ********************************
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
Quote from: Sibling Zono (anon1mat0) on May 31, 2007, 07:52:41 PM
[you may even do 85 and they might ignore you (now, go 1 mile higher and then they'll get you).
1 mile higher? does the police officer have a flying license too ?
Here's one:
Bill walks into a flower shop to buy a bouquet for his wife. He watches the man ahead of him order a dozen roses.
Once he's paid for them, he walks out, sits down on the bench in front of the shop, opens the package and takes a single rose out, bites the head off and throws the stem in the garbage can. He proceeds to do this with every rose in the dozen.
Bill turns to the florist and says, "have you ever seen anything like that? That guy's crazy!"
The florist says, "I know! The stems are the best part!"
Quote from: Griffin NoName The Watson of Sherlock on June 01, 2007, 01:45:38 AM
Quote from: Sibling Zono (anon1mat0) on May 31, 2007, 07:52:41 PM
[you may even do 85 and they might ignore you (now, go 1 mile higher and then they'll get you).
1 mile higher? does the police officer have a flying license too ?
LOL! :D :D
Actually, from the speed at which they usually pass you may think they
do have a flying license.
What's your name?
Chloe, my dear. And these are my sisters Siv and Phyllis.
Most mothers tell their daughters to marry doctors. I tell mine to marry an anthropologist( particualrly an archaeologist) that way as they get older he will get more and more interested in them.
Teacher: "Tommy who was Anne Boleyn?"
Tommy: " She was a flat iron."
Teacher:" What in the world are you talking about?"
Tommy:" Well it says in our history book that Henry the V111th having disposed of Katherine of Aragon pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn."
Agatha Christie used to say that first one about her husband who was an archaeologist. Given all the ways she thought up to bump off people, a rather nervous one you'd imagine.
Quote from: beagle on June 03, 2007, 07:18:00 PM
Agatha Christie used to say that first one about her husband who was an archaeologist. Given all the ways she thought up to bump off people, a rather nervous one you'd imagine.
Cool-- i just found it floating around on an anth board
So Pinnocchio goes to visit Giappetto..
"Papa, I have a problem. Every time I have sex with my girlfirend, she gets splinters! Papa, what can I do?"
Giappetto thinks for a few moments and says "Pinnocchio, you should use some sandpaper."
"Papa, thank you. That is a wonderful idea!" and Pinnocchio runs off.
A few weeks later Giappetto sees Pinnocchio in the street and calls him over. "Pinnocchio, how did that business with your girlfriend work out?"
"Girlfriend, Papa? Who needs a girlfirend when you have sandpaper?"
What does the racist tree ask its neighbour?
"You are not a Yew, are you?"
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you give a shit?"
As per my email, not experience. Well, it is true that I don't gamble or drive fast cars... ;)
Two clairvoyants meet in the street.
Says the one: You are well, how am I?
Two cows on a meadow:
Says the one: Moo
Says the other: I just wanted to say that.
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Dept. of Fish and game is advising tourists, hikers and fishermen to take extra precaution and keep alert for bears while travelling this summer.
"We advise that people wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears that might not be expecting them. We also advise that they carry pepper spray with them in case they come into close proximity with a grizzly bear.
It is also a good idea to keep a lookout for recent or fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognise the differences between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller, and contains many berries and nuts, as well as small patches of rabbit and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it, and smells like pepper.
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."
Quote from: Pachyderm on August 06, 2007, 11:41:56 PM
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Dept. of Fish and game is advising tourists, hikers and fishermen to take extra precaution and keep alert for bears while travelling this summer.
"We advise that people wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears that might not be expecting them. We also advise that they carry pepper spray with them in case they come into close proximity with a grizzly bear.
It is also a good idea to keep a lookout for recent or fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognise the differences between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller, and contains many berries and nuts, as well as small patches of rabbit and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it, and smells like pepper.
Funny, but....
It's being reported that black bears may be relatively immune to pepper spray, and recently out here a mountain biker was killed and eaten by a black bear. :-[
Grizzlies tend to be more aggressive, but it's mostly territorial... i.e. they will smack you around for being on their turf and are powerful enough that this is quite likely to be fatal - but they generally don't consider humans a food source. OTOH, if a black bear is coming after you, there's a good chance it thinks you are dinner (unless it's a mom with cubs).
[/comedy_kill]
But better don't cross any bear in late autumn. Then they are both hungry and in a bad mood.
Sign at a forest entrance: Wanderer be careful. Many a man has been mistaken for a wild boar and shot. Walk upright and wave your hat.
No joke: In parts of Scandinavia hunters have to wear bright red or orange clothing in order to avoid hunting accidents like that.
Same in the States. A friend of mine was a hunting instructor near Baltimore for many years. He quit after someone shot another hunter despite the safety equipment (jacket, hat etc) from a hide up a tree. Didn't think he was a human being, apparently. A six-foot squirrel wearing orange (as Tom Lehrer points out)?
There is also the danger of coming too near the undisclosed location of the Vice President and getting a load of buckshot.
A skeleton is out shopping. A hearse comes round the corner. Calls the skeleton: Hello taxi!
I think bright clothing for hunters is universal (we always did). Archers and waterfowl hunters often abandon this technique, since they need to get closer to the prey.
Hunting accidents generally involve alcohol comsumption....
A favorite tee shirt here in AR is
upside down writing on the back of the tee that says
"If you can read this please put me back in my deer stand and put my beer back in my hand"
I, personally, think it is the stupidist thing I've ever seen(well one of many)
but to each his own!
alcohol and hunting do not mix! In fact-alcohol and tee shirt design do not mix.
How to hunt rabbits.
1. Go into the woods or fields and wait for a rabbit to show up
2. Whistle and it will stand still looking at you
3. Now walk slowly around the rabbit at a safe distance but still in sight
4. The rabbit will follow you with his eyes
5. Shortly before the second round is finished you will hear a crack
6. The rabbit's neck has been snapped by overturning
7. Now you can just collect the dead rabbit without wasting ammo
Telling this to my historically-talented friend caused him to punch me.
What was the most popular breakfast food during the Haitian Revolution?
Croissant Louverture, of course!
A pin and a needle have a swimming contest.
The pin wins.
Says the needle: no surprise, you don't get water in the ear
Ear? The english equivalent is eye.
Besides, the pin had a head start. ;D
I must admit, though, that the needle can thread through haystacks quite skillfully. (The head start coment was the best, though.)
Quote from: Agujjim on August 08, 2007, 05:59:13 PM
Ear? The english equivalent is eye.
Besides, the pin had a head start. ;D
I checked the dictionary and found both (ear and eye).
But water in the eye may be an even greater handicap.
Does a needle have the same chance of getting to heaven as a camel has to pass through the ear of a rich man?
Let's get some rich men and camels... this requires further investigation. ;)
Or perhaps we should evaluate a camel's chances of getting to heaven....
Being a member of the camel family, I can tell you that at least a few of my relatives have absolutely no chance.
This has to have been posted earlier in the thread, but here goes another joke on an overdone theme:
God decides he's gonna sue the devil, and calls the devil up to tell him so. Lucifer laughs and says, "Where're you gonna get a lawyer?"
Ooh, that reminds me of an email I have to write.
Maybe the camel has to be smoked to go to heaven (does smoked salmon go there?)
(http://www.insurancebroadcasting.com/051006-p5.jpg)
I most sincerely hope so.
Man walks into a bar, buys a beer, and then he notices a stall at the back, with an Indian sitting in it. (Native American Indian, not one from the sub-continent) He asks the barman what it is all about.
"Oh, he is the amazing Memory Indian. Always knows the answers. Never been proved wrong."
So our intrepid adventurer makes his way over, and asks the Memory Indian what he had for breakfast on the 23rd of July, 1967.
Difficult to prove, but this is not his first bar of the afternoon.
"Eggs. Two eggs"
Ten years pass, and the guy is back in town at a conference. He remembers about the bar and the Indian, and drags some of his colleagues down there. The amazing Memory Indian is still there, and doesn't seem to changed at all. Our hero walks up to him, and says
"How"
"Fried"
I'll get me coat...
How many elephants fit in a red Volkswagen? 4, 2 in front, 2 in the back.
And how many giraffes? None, the car is occupied by elephants.
How can you know that elephants are in the scyscraper? Red Volkswagen standing in front of it.
How can you know that the elephants are somewhere on the top floors? Peanut smell in the levator.
How can you know that they were in a fridge there? Footprints in the butter.
Why has the elepahnt red eyes? In order to better hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? You see, the camouflage works.
Why doe the elepahnt were blue socks? The red ones are wet.
Why does he swim upside down? He doesn't want the blue ones to get wet too.
WARNING: POOR-TASTE JOKE
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Whatever you want - he still won't come!
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which went almost unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
We need a Groan!! icon ;)
EXTREMELY POOR TASTE WARNING:
What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's head?
...The engine block.
Oldie! Booh! The joke was told decades ago about drivers of certain cars (e.g. Opel Manta)
Another oldie: How many people die when a Trabant (or other car from communist eastern Europe) drives full speed into a wall.
Answer: the people in the car + 500 that die in the battle over the spare parts.
Also poor taste:
Two nuns play football (soccer). One always curses "Missed. Shit!" when not hitting the goal. After some time the other nun warns her that cursing will incur the Lord's wrath. But after the next miss the first one again curses "Missed. Shit!".
Suddenly a stroke of lightning hits the ground barely a foot from her. A voice from above sound "Missed. Shit!".
(The German "Scheisse, daneben!" is more effective I think)
Quote from: Swatopluk on August 30, 2007, 11:06:23 PM
Another oldie: How many people die when a Trabant (or other car from communist eastern Europe) drives full speed into a wall.
Answer: the people in the car + 500 that die in the battle over the spare parts.
One of our old family friends still claims that her Trabant was the best car she's ever had.
A farmer boasts that he needs three days to just ride/drive around his fields once.
Listener's comment: I too had such a car/horse once.
this one drove my daughter crazy(not kidding- it did)
A blond is driving through a rural countryside and she finds herself lost.Finally she happens upon a field with a barn; and sitting in front of the barn is a boat and in the boat is a brunette. The blond stops and gets out of her car and walks to the edge of the field being careful to stay on the pavement. She yells to the brunette, "Which way is out of here?"
The brunette hollers back, "Why are you standing over there yelling at me? Come over here and I'll tell you how to go."
And the blond says...
"I can't swim so I can't come over to you."
(alternate version is they get into an argument and the blond says,"If I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass.")
-- for those of you like my daughter
see the brunette is in a boat
therefore one must swim to get to the boat.(no matter where the boat is-you gotta swim)
I'm a blond and so I'm allowed to pass along blond jokes.
In a similar vein.
Someone walks through the desert and finds someone lying on the ground and making swimming movements.
Some time later he finds someone sitting and behaving as if he was holding a fishing rod.
Again some time later he finds someone just sitting in the sand.
He tells him about the others and how glad he is that he now has found somebody normal.
Answers the guy sitting on the ground: I think I will row over there and have a look
Alternative answer: What? They are that far already [begins to row]
UK humour.....
When Pavarotti died and went to heaven he got to the pearly gates and St Peter shouted over his shoulder ' Hi God here's that tenor I owe you'
School class visiting Egyptian Museum
Guide shows them a mummy claiming it to be that of a famous Pharao
One pupil: looks pretty small
Guide: that was his mummy as a child
Waiter, waiter, there's a needle in my soup.
Sorry Sir, it's a typographical error, it should be a noodle.
courtesy of Bob Dillon on the radio this afternoon
A GDR citizen visits the US with his trusted Trabant "car".
When he has engine trouble he brings it to a workshop.
When informed that his car is ready again he comes, pays and wants to drive away.
But every 40 metres or so the cars goes into reverse.
When he asks the workshop mechanic about it he gets the answer:
"Your 'car' is so small, we had to put in a washing machine engine"
---
The Trabant is now equipped with seat belts. It can therefore also double as a rucksack.
(http://www.kfz.de/hersteller/trabant/trabant/trabant-dyr.jpg)
http://www.kfz.de/hersteller/trabant/trabant/trabant-dyr.jpg
Quote from: Griffin NoName on September 28, 2007, 06:54:05 PM
Waiter, waiter, there's a needle in my soup.
Sorry Sir, it's a typographical error, it should be a noodle.
courtesy of Bob Dillon on the radio this afternoon
Typo. I meant Dylan. ;)
Halloween Advice.
If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.
Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.
When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you.
If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the heck out of there!
If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.
Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.
Don't look under the bed.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get out of the area.
If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"
If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.
If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.
Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)
When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone.
The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.
Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.
If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.
As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to ---- or Nebraska.
Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.
If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.
If you're searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.
If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.
If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.
Do not accept/take anything from the dead.
If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.
If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
If you find a town that looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately, if not sooner.
Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.
Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.
If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.
Never put your back to or lean on a door.
Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
Never speak to clowns in sewers.
Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.
If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/ creature is now in front of you.
If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:
Amityville,
Elm Street,
Crystal Lake,
Transylvania,
Nilbog (---- help you if you recognize this one),
Mydian,
QuestaVerde,
the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.
Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those that keep 'Redrum' in stock.
Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flame-throwers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers, wielding axes, laser pistols, Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, African game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.
If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.
If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.
Have a happy and safe Halloween!
Also think 2 steps ahead. Your flight may let you walk right into the danger zone.
Don't rely on motor transportation, if you have to start the engine first and any delay may be your death.
Check your weapons before you trust your life to them and you can spare a few seconds.
If you buy silver bullets, check that the seller is not the werewolf itself and also check that the silver is genuine.
Do not have sex in potential danger zones but don't rely on that being enough for your security.
Check all companions before trusting them. Anyone allergic to precious metals, allium varieties etc. should be dispatched of immediately. Same for any insectophage.
Don't accept invitations by people by the name of U.N.Owen, A.N.Other etc.
Read any name carefully and backwards too. Be suspicious, if that yields something ominous (e.g. don't trust Dr.Akula, Mr.Alucard, Mark E. Dessat etc.)
Practice chanting "Phnglui mglw'nafl Cthulhu R'lyeh w'gahnagl fhtagn!", so (in case of emergency) you can blend in while you plot your escape (also have the fish smell flakon ready).
Forget all the above; just keep the clove of garlic handy. ;)
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out."
or a chainsaw and a sawed of shotgun...
;) :mrgreen:
How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern?
Get a pumpkin patch!
The Koala and the Little Lizard
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that when he gets there he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you, little lizard?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Holy shit, dude.......just how much water did you drink?!!"
In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.
Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."
After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"
Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"
Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"
Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.
But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"
Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."
A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.
All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.
These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:
"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"
I was battling creationists and fanatics over at Topix, today.
It's dreadfully thirsty work.
So, I went over to the pasta-couch thread and had me a sit-down.
I was drinkin' some beer, looking at the comely pirate wenches, who be frequentin' that place.
An' I noticed somethin'---
The more beer I quaffed, the more comely the pirate wenches seemed t'become.
I thought to me'self:
'self!'
'this is most weird'
'ye must get to the bottom o'this phenononomonemonneen... or som'thin'
An I thought about it sum mor', and quaffed sum mor'
And, damn-me, if them piratin' wenches din'get even MORE comely!
An' I thought, there be only ONE soultion to this problemblem.
MORE BEER!
I was watching Lewis Black on Comedy Central tonight. He told a really good joke.
Dick Cheney.
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."
this is the officer that makes me squirt diet coke out of my nose on a regular basis---
Doctor's Visit
An older couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.
When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare."
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer....
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
:mrgreen:
An old man hobbles into the confessional. The priest slides open the panel and the old man says, 'I'm 84 years old. I just picked up two teenaged girls hitchhiking, took them to a motel room, and made love to both of them. Twice.'
The priest says, 'Well, are you sorry for your sins?'
'What sins?' says the old man.
'What sins???' remarks the priest incredulously, 'What kind of Catholic are you?'
'I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish,' says the old man.
'Well then, why are you telling ME all this?' asks the priest.
'I'm telling EVERYONE.' says the old man.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
"Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest asks, "How many times?"
Man replys, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Woman replys, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?"
Woman says "Once."
Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthily silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I duuno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
'The Obedient Wife'
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died and was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him'
' Do you mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
In honor of Bob and that last one which was very funny.....
and as today it will be about 85 degrees with 1million percent humidity here in AR we will be turning on the AC and what would we do without them HVAC people we all biotch and moan about.......
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary.
Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."
The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!"
Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"
The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"
Funeral !
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband`s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn`t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he`s wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn`t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."
A maid asks her boss for a pay increase.
Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, 'So you want a pay raise. Why do you think you deserve one?'
Maid: 'Well, ma'am, there are three reasons... The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maid: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maid: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maid: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maid: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maid: 'No ma'am, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
.
A physicist often visited a local ice cream store-- it had a nice bar, where one could order ice cream treats, and enjoy.
Anyway, the physicist always ordered two of whatever it was he was eating that night-- one to eat, and one to put in front of the empty stool next to him.
After weeks of this, the ice cream vendor got up the nerve to ask him why he ordered two, ate one but not the other.
The physicist replied: "According to the rules of Quantum Mechanics, there is a distinct possibility that a beautiful woman will spontaneously appear on the stool next to me, and seeing the delicious treat, I'm hoping she will be grateful and fall in love with me."
"I see," replied the vendor. "Why not just buy an ice cream for one of the single women in the store? Maybe one of them will thereby fall in love with you..."
To which the physicist replies, "What are the odds of that happening?"
If you receive an email about Swine Flu which warns you not to eat pork, ignore it. It is spam.
Two fish in a tank. The first one looks at the scond one and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
And here's your how to on that camo lap top!
http://www.instructables.com/id/High_Tech_Pine_Needle_Camo_Painted_LapTop_Computer/
From the
Simon Hoggart (http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2009/sep/05/simon-hoggarts-week-words-language) column in the Guardian:
QuoteChap goes to the vet with his budgie, which he fears is dead.
The vet says he can't be sure and needs further tests. In comes his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head. Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away. "I'm afraid your budgie is definitely dead," says the vet. "That will be £1,010."
"What?" says the owner. "More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?"
"'Fraid so," says the vet. "Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan."
What does the racist tree ask his neighbour?
You aren't a Yew, are you?
Two fish are swimming along, and the swim right into a concrete wall. One fish looks over at the other one and says, "Dam!"
What's Spanish for violin case (Was heißt Geigenkasten auf Spanisch)?
Fidel Castro
Quote from: Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith on January 06, 2009, 01:08:19 AM
A maid asks her boss for a pay increase.....
Reminds me of another joke.
A rich man takes his 18-year old son to the doctor's office.
Man: 'Doctor, my son needs treatment for the clap. I think he caught it from the maid.'
Doctor: 'Not a problem, I can prescribe something for that.'
Man: 'There's another problem... I think I caught it from her as well.'
Doctor: 'Not a problem, I can prescribe you some as well.'
Man: 'There's a bigger problem... I think I passed it to my wife.'
Doctor: 'Damn! Now we've all got it.'
How do you call it, when an Tolkienian treeherd defends mafiosi in court?
The Ent justifies the Means
Here's one I came up with the other day:
What is the difference between a fundamentalist-zealot and a zombie?
One is a brain-dead raving monster, and the other is myth.
That reminds me of this one:
What is the difference between the Zeppelin 'Hindenburg' and Rush Limbaugh?
The one is a flaming Nazi gasbag, the other a dirigible.
What is the difference between a modern lawyer and a catfish?
One is a bottom-dwelling scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.
What is a vampire attorney?
A bloodsucking lawyer
What's the difference between a street vendor and a dachshund?
One bawls out his wares on the pavement ...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
An SAS unit captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan and took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice.
The SAS Leader tells him to roll the dice.
"Roll the dice. If you get a 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 your head comes off"
The Taliban leader says "What if I throw a 6?"
The SAS leader says "You get another go."
Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Medizin und einem Mönch?
Medizin ist ein Heilserum, der Mönch hat ein Seil herum
Was ist der Unterschied zwischen dem Osterhasen und einem Volkswagen?
Der Osterhase kurvt mit Eiern rum, der Volkswagen eiert um die Kurve.
Quote from: Swatopluk
Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Medizin und einem Mönch?
Medizin ist ein Heilserum, der Mönch hat ein Seil herum
That joke is against the Geneva Convention
I imagine.
Why did the electron cross the road?
Because it was on the other side, probably.
Quote from: Swatopluk on March 02, 2010, 10:09:51 AM
Was ist der Unterschied zwischen dem Osterhasen und einem Volkswagen?
Der Osterhase kurvt mit Eiern rum, der Volkswagen eiert um die Kurve.
And here I thought VW had some good will/image left in Germany... ;)
Calories are the little critters that sew your clothes in the wardrobe tighter during the night
They keep letting out the seams at my place. :P
(http://i647.photobucket.com/albums/uu198/RamblingSyd/prick_boil.jpg)
Q. Why do Marxists drink Earl Grey tea?
A. Because proper tea is theft.
Street observer 1: "It must be hard to be Gothic and gay."
Street observer 2: "It's easier than being a Jehovah's Witness and a vampire."
A man walks into a bar and hears this most amazing, concert-level piano music coming from a bar. He walks in and he sees this foot-tall piano-player playing on a very tiny piano. The man sits down and orders a drink, contemplating the peculiar sight.
"Y'know, that is one small piano-player," he comments to the bartender, "Pretty darn good one, though."
"Yeah," grumbles the bartender, "I got him from a genie wish."
"No way, dude, seriously?"
"Yup."
"Nah, you're shittin' me."
"Nope, dead serious. The genie is just outside the back door, go see for yourself. He can grant you a wish too."
So the man steps outside, and sure enough there's a genie waiting there who asks him what his wish is. The man thinks for a moment and says "I wish I had a million bucks."
Suddenly, something swoops down and slams into the back of his head. After shouting a quick profanity, he turns around and sees that it was a duck. A second later, another duck attempts to bite his leg, and then another one comes out of nowhere and goes for his arm. He turns his head back the other way and sees a huge wave of ducks coming down the alley, coming straight for him. He fights off the ducks and runs back inside before they can follow him.
He goes to the counter and asks for a drink, more than shaken by this confusing experience.
"What the @#$! just happened? I asked for a million bucks, and all these ducks started to attack me!" he shivered.
The bartender just smirked and replied, "What, did you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
The basically same joke is known in German with the writer J.M.Simmel instead of the pianist and lemons/melons in small pigs (Melonen in kleinen Schweinen)
I won't stick this in Swato's masterpieces, it wouldn't be fair.
Don't bring Cthulhu
You can bring Pearl,
She's a darn nice girl,
But don't bring Cthulhu.
You can bring Rose
With her turned up nose,
But don't bring Cthulhu.
Cthulhu always wants to do,
What the boys don't want to do,
When he struts his stuff around,
London bridge is falling down,
You can bring cake
Or Porterhouse steak,
But don't bring Cthulhu.
Cthulhu gets blue
And he goes cuckoo
Like a clock up on the shelf,
He's the kind of smartie
Who breaks up every party,
Whatever you do do, don't bring Cthulhu,
He'll come by himself.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says,
"Ted, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Ted says, "I feel like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
How does on call Persian followers of the late Roman writer Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus?
Vegetaryans
If you talk to G-d you are praying, but if G-d talks to you, you are schizophrenic.
I was given this key-ring tag yesterday -
(http://i647.photobucket.com/albums/uu198/RamblingSyd/Key_Ring.jpg)
It just tickles my imagination.
http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/scissorsbeatspaper.jpg
Got a 404 error there ^ Swato.
----------------------------------------
An RC priest and a Hindu priest are making some toast.
The priest takes the lid off a tub of margarine to spread over the toast and says to the Hindu, "I can see the face of Jesus in the margarine."
The Hindu replies, "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
OK, same image as in Post above but from different source
(http://strange-land.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/scissors_0preview.jpg)
http://strange-land.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/scissors_0preview.jpg
Life in the Australian Army...
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and susages, eggs and bacon but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka* last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
* The Royal Queensland Agricultural Show is universally known as the Ekka
No wonder why in real life the farmers are overrepresented in the army...
Quote from: Sibling Zono (anon1mat0) on August 10, 2010, 01:12:14 PM
No wonder why in real life the farmers are overrepresented in the army...
Nothing new there. In the past a soldier had to be robust first, everything else was optional and intelligence often seens as a negative. In some countries recruits were country lads only with city dwellers exempted by default.
Sorry for dragging the thread into serious territory.
Blue-
Robert Heinlein's short story, "The Tale of the Man Who Was Too Lazy to Fail" is highly reminiscent of your story. It was a piece buried in the extended novel, Time Enough For Love, published in the late 70's.
The wiki entry, while accurate, is too dry: wiki link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_Enough_for_Love#The_Tale_of_the_Man_Who_Was_Too_Lazy_to_Fail)
Love your story, though-- but if you want a longer tale in a similar vein, find a copy of RAH's missive. Pity, it's short enough, I thought sure it would be up on the web somewhere or other, but alas, it does not appear to be.
Worth digging out, though.
Strolling down the sidewalk in Las Vegas one hot summer day, a very well-dressed Gentleman (with curly moustachio) came upon a beggar, squatting there in the heat, who verbally buttonholed the Gentleman:
'Please sir, my beloved wife is real' sick, and I need to raise $300 as fast as I can to pay for her life-saving medication'.
The Gentleman's eyes narrowed: 'How can I know that you won't simply take the monies I give you and run into yon casino and gamble it all away?'
The beggar's demeanor instantly changed from supplicating to almost haughty: 'Oh no, I GOT gambling'-money!'
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
We used to coat my grandfather's back with vaseline. He went downhill after that.
Quote from: GriffinWe used to coat my grandfather's back with vaseline. He went downhill after that.
:giggle:
Quote from: Sibling DavidH on August 12, 2010, 09:42:57 AM
Quote from: GriffinWe used to coat my grandfather's back with vaseline. He went downhill after that.
:giggle:
I know. A truly awful joke ;D
Only awful in a way. It's right in the old Music Hall tradition.
"I say, I say, I say, my wife's gone to the West Indies...."
All the siblings below me know the rest of that one.
I fear I don't get that one. Some of the variations I can find make sense, so I can't say whether there is sense in this one too.
The sibling below me prefers physical comedy (i.e. custard pie ballistics)
Sorry, Swato - it's a very British thing.
Picture two stand-up comedians:
A) "I say, I say, I say, my wife's gone to the West Indies."
B) "Jamaica?" (D'ye make her?)
A) "No, she went voluntarily."
or:
A) "I say, I say, I say, my wife's gone to the East Indies."
B) "Jakarta?" (D'ye cart her?)
A) "No, she went by boat."
I guessed something like that since many variations work that way:
My wife attended a concert in the Far East.
Singapore?
Yes, and the orchestra was even worse.
The sibling below me will now ramble about assaulted peanut.
Edit: Sorry, mistaken thread
If Facebook existed years ago.....
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=4f5a646647&view=att&th=12b5500c6eeb4eac&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw)
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=4f5a646647&view=att&th=12b5500c6eeb4eac&attid=0.2&disp=emb&zw)
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=4f5a646647&view=att&th=12b5500c6eeb4eac&attid=0.3&disp=emb&zw)
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=4f5a646647&view=att&th=12b5500c6eeb4eac&attid=0.4&disp=emb&zw)
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=4f5a646647&view=att&th=12b5500c6eeb4eac&attid=0.5&disp=emb&zw)
What do you call a Na'vi mammary?
A Blue Tit
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard. "
:mrgreen:
^ :LOL:
----------------
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I hung him up there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
It was late autumn and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to bring.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter
was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is
the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at
the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting sh*tloads of firewood."
Reminds me of two other meteorologist jokes
The university goes on a picnic after the head meteorologist has forecast good weather but suddenly a rainstorm starts.
It turns out thet the head meteorologist is the only one who has an umbrella. When people ask him why he of all people after forecasting good weather has an umbrella, he answers: "My wife said that it looks like rain and that I should better take the umbrella with me."
The king's meteorologist has a problem. His weather forecasts are always 100% wrong. But there is a new kid on the block that also makes weather predictions that turn out to be 100% accurate all the time. The old guy visits the new one to find out and, after a significant amount of money has changed hands , the young genius is willing to part with his secret: 'I wait until you have made your prediction, then I predict the exact opposite.'
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F___ the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.
A Gringo is down in Guadalajara on vacation. Outside the central market the tour buss driver gives everyone 2 hours to be back at the buss. The Gringo heads out into the plethora of trinket stalls and endless rows of ****ty taquerias only to loose complete track of time. Frantic he runs down an alleyway where he comes across an old Mexican in a sombrero sitting next to a burro taking a siesta.
The Gringo says "Scuze please Pour Favor. Que Hours Es? What time Pleeeze?" The Mexican tips back his sombrero, reaches out, grabs the donkeys balls, and says - "About Two O'clock." The Gringo, breathing a heavy sigh of relief, thanks the old Mexican and heads back for more shopping. Sometime later the Gringo realizes again that he has lost track of time. In a panic he runs back down the alley and awakens the old Mexican a second time.
"Scuze please Pour Favor. Que Hours Es? What time Pleeeze?" asks the Gringo while wiping the perspiration from his brow. Again, the Mexican tips back his sombrero, reaches out, grabs the donkeys balls, and says - "About Two Tirty."
The Gringo, realizing he has plenty of time, says "Graziass, Graziass." As he turns to head back to the buss the Gringo can't help but pester the old Mexican one last time.
"Scuze please Pour Favor Signor. Just how do you tell time by grabbing a donkey's balls?" The Mexican tips back his sombrero, reaches out, lifts the donkeys balls, and says - "Ju see dat clock on the church over there?"
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently,' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered:
'Is that one word or two?'
;D
And one from Down Under:
A young jackaroo named Richard from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home.'Dad,' he says,'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says.'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says,'I'll get him in the course.'
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father.'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says,'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,'So, is your daddy
still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers,'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!"
These all made me smile, Bob. Thanks for posting! :)
Two nuns are driving at night when a vampire suddenly leaps onto the hood of their car!
"Quick! Show him your cross!" exclaims one sister.
So the other rolls down the window and yells, "GET THE HELL OFF OUR DAMN CAR YOU BASTARD!"
(http://specialsmilies.com/pixels/albums/religious/nun-smiley.gif)
A Jew opens a furniture shop in Iceland specialised on shelves. Accordingly he calls it the Whole Shelf Shop.
After just a few days he asks that the phone be disconnected and laments that all his customers seem to be Nazis (although very friendly ones).
"Why do you think that?" he is asked.
"Each and everyone calling or coming into the shop opens with 'Heil Hitler?'"
*'Whole shelf' in Icelandic is 'hæl hilla', the correct pronounciation is 'Hail Hitla'
The Dalai Lama goes into a pizza shop and says to the waiter............... make me one with everything.
Quote from: Griffin NoName on April 24, 2012, 01:11:51 AM
The Dalai Lama goes into a pizza shop and says to the waiter............... make me one with everything.
Someone's been watching programmes on the BBC. ;D
I would place a joke here, but all I can think of at the moment are inappropriate ones, so here's an inappropriate one.
Three nuns are talking together and one of them suggests talking about their recent holidays. The first nun describes the size and shape of the bananas she saw, using her hands expressively. The second nun describes the size and shape of the melons she saw, again using her hands expressively. The third nun, who was a little deaf, says, "Father who?"
Quote from: Roland Deschain on April 26, 2012, 07:05:43 PM
Quote from: Griffin NoName on April 24, 2012, 01:11:51 AM
The Dalai Lama goes into a pizza shop and says to the waiter............... make me one with everything.
Someone's been watching programmes on the BBC. ;D
Yes, but most people here don't ! Perhaps we have a duty to make sure jokes reach farflung places?
Actually, wouldn't be surprised if this joke isn't on youtube.
EDIT Yes it is, and I forgot it was american to start with so no gains to our farflung friends.
It's funnier to watch than just to relate.
[youtube=425,350]xlIrI80og8c[/youtube]
It is our duty to spread jokes far and wide, although some do lose something in translation (see video, lol). There's a programme on the Romans on Auntie at the moment, which looks at the ordinary folk, and the presenter read out a couple of 2000 year old jokes. It's the same spirit. :D
Australian, not American. ;) Also, the Dalai Lama's meant to be visiting Aldershot this year. I'm considering going there just to see him, as that would be something to remember in years to come, just like the people in Lancashire when Gandhi visited.
Quote from: Roland Deschain on April 26, 2012, 09:06:58 PM
There's a programme on the Romans on Auntie at the moment, which looks at the ordinary folk, and the presenter read out a couple of 2000 year old jokes.
mmmm Mary Beard. I watched the first one and just got really irritated by her. So much, that I couldn't watch any more, which is a great shame as the content was very interesting. There's a tremendous row going on about her; some people have been being rude about her - claiming she's a dyke and stuff - gratuitous (I don't know whether she is hetersexual ot other and couldn't care) - can't think where I was reading about it, somewhere online I think.
Quote from: Roland Deschain on April 26, 2012, 09:06:58 PM
.............the Dalai Lama's meant to be visiting Aldershot this year. I'm considering going there just to see him, as that would be something to remember in years to come,................
Wow! Keep me posted. Would love to see him too.
I like Mary Beard, although it's easy to see why she annoys so many people.
As for the Dalai Lama - why Aldershot, of all places?
Isn't there a barracks in Aldershot?
Yup.
Quote from: WikiAldershot is known for its connection with the British Army. This led to rapid growth from a small village to a Victorian town. Today, Aldershot is known as the "Home of the British Army".
I've shot there on the Guards Depot range.
mmmm so Dalai Lama would defo. want to go there LoL
HH, tDL has appeared in Wisconsin more than once. The last time I would have been able to hear him, I decided to take [mild] umbrage at the instructions for attendee garb. Apparently HH, tDL "likes bright colors" but cannot be approached by women with bare arms. I hadn't planned to wantonly flaunt my arms, but I found myself musing that bare arms on men (not to mention monks!) are, apparently, a-ok. But not on women, because mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble ...
I concede that it's petty, but I just cannot bring myself to travel to hear *any* aging male cleric speak, who must be protected from the wimmins.
:(
Quote from: pieces o nine on April 28, 2012, 02:57:26 AM
Apparently HH, tDL "likes bright colors" but cannot be approached by women with bare arms.
That's ridiculous. I thought he was above worldly things.
The question is, whether it is him having problems with that or it is a custom he respects (or has to respect).
This isn't the age anymore where super-holy men travelled with droves of scantily clad women to demonstrate the power of their chastity (the success easily read off their indicator rods ;)).
Quote from: Swatopluk on April 28, 2012, 09:31:44 AM
The question is, whether it is him having problems with that or it is a custom he respects (or has to respect).
This isn't the age anymore where super-holy men travelled with droves of scantily clad women to demonstrate the power of their chastity (the success easily read off their indicator rods ;)).
:giggle: *cough* No comment (other than this one). I'll look into when it's occurring, and let you know, Griffin. My granddad was stationed there at some point after WWII.
I like Mary Beard, and had no idea there was a storm going on about her. Who cares if she's a lesbian. I can't see that making a single jot of difference to her presenting, and changes nothing about how I think of her. She doesn't appear to overly favour women, or make men out to be all bad. She tells the story, warts and all, which is the way I like it.
Quote from: Roland Deschain on May 06, 2012, 11:51:17 AM
........ Who cares if she's a lesbian.
I don't think anyone has presented any evidence either way except she wears sandals...... it's hard to tell if it is just mysogenist rubbish at clever women as there are quite a few female academic TV personalities right now who don't seem to be attacked in the same way. I've no idea why she irritates me so much, but it's certainly not anything to do with sexual orientation ;)
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit."
Brilliant!
:ROFL:
Excellent!
:giggle: Most excellent!
I think Sibling Chatty would have enjoyed that joke :cry:
Quote from: Griffin NoName on May 23, 2012, 05:47:57 PM
I think Sibling Chatty would have enjoyed that joke :cry:
Oh, I heartedly agree. :'(
Quote from: Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith on May 25, 2012, 11:52:13 PM
Quote from: Griffin NoName on May 23, 2012, 05:47:57 PM
I think Sibling Chatty would have enjoyed that joke :cry:
Oh, I heartedly agree. :'(
I think is sounds like something Chatty could have done... 8)
Still missing her... :'(
Supposedly said by Prince Philips (taken from a list of his gaffes)
"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" (said) To a wheelchair-bound Susan Edwards, and her guide dog Natalie in 2002.
It's not as often as it used to be, but he's the gift that keeps on giving. :mrgreen:
Ok, this is very simple.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had nobody to go with.
Because the closet was closed? :P
The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal,
reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about
it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex
with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him
back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you
sick bastard."
:ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL:
.... heh... oh... my... that's some punchline...
:)
A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, one old fellow tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you..."
David, those last two were pretty spectacular. :giggle: :giggle: :giggle: :giggle: :giggle:
A woman is cleaning out her 13 year old son's bedroom, when she comes across a large range of bondage and s&m gear in his cupboard. Not sure what to do, she waits until her husband gets home, and tells him about it. The husband turns to his wife and says, "I'm not sure what to do either, but i'm not going to spank him."
:ROFL:
Reminds me of this one:
Frankie and Sally had been married for more than 40 years. While the marriage was not that bad, it was far from perfect. Still, Frankie was sad, when Sally died suddenly, whilst taking a Sunday afternoon nap, after a particularly large meal.
Frankie and Sally had been occasional attendees at the local country church, so naturally, that was where they had the funeral, the following Wednesday. But the church was small, and the casket needfully large, and as the pall bearers were struggling to get it through the door, one of them slipped, and *bam* the casket slammed into the sturdy oak door frame, falling open, and out spilled poor Sally.
And what'dya know? A miracle they said, as the shock seemed to revive Sally, and she sat up confused, and immediately wondered why she was in her best dress, and it wasn't even a Sunday?
So Frankie and Sally resumed their interrupted marriage.
Which lasted another 5 years, whereupon Sally again passed away suddenly in her sleep.
This time, the doctors were a wee bit more careful, making sure she really was dead.
Even so, when the funeral was again at the local country church, Frankie had a quiet word with the pall bearers: "Boys, that door is narrow. Take especial care when you go through it."
^ :ROFL:
Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it
Similar stuff is to be had from Germany. Insurance companies also keep extra files of this type of stuff.
This one had me giggling uncontrollably, mainly because it's exactly how my father behaves in hotels, going on holiday with him used to be excrutiating, now of course I get it by phone about his care home........ anyway the point is it is all too believable for me.
>
> The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
> hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to
> the London Sunday Times!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Maid,
> Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
> since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
> unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
> three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
> Thank you,
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Room 635,
> I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
> day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
> requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
> of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves
> only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is
> to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
> Kathy, Relief Maid
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Maid ?
> I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my
> note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room
> this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my
> medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and
> have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays
> which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth,
> etc. Please remove them.
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
> are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your
> way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put
> the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the
> 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet
> for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in
> last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
> Your regular maid,
> Dotty
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
> called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
> I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
> apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints
> please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
> Call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.
> Thank you,
> Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Miss Carmen,
> It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
> business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
> reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
> only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
> of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
> check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine
> cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
> In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you
> doing this to me?
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
> and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
> extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
> Thank you,
> Elaine Carmen,
> Housekeeper
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Kensedder,
> My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
> including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
> the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
> cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
> instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
> situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
> the inconvenience.
> Martin L. Kensedder
> Assistant Manager
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
> and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
> want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of
> soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my
> bath-size Dial.
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then
> you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
> personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
> Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the
> 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
> returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
> I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I
> was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
> Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
> As of today I possess:
> - On the shelf under medicine cabinet
> - 18 Camay in 4 stacks 4 and 1 stack of 2 on the Kleenex dispenser
> - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3 on the bedroom dresser
> - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8
> Camay in 2 stacks of 4 inside the medicine cabinet
> - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2 in the shower soap dish
> - 6 Camay, very moist on the northeast corner of tub
> - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used on the northwest corner of tub
> - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
> Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
> neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than
> 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not
> in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One
> more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
> keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
> S. Berman
>
^ Excellent. Sadly, all too believable.
(http://i647.photobucket.com/albums/uu198/RamblingSyd/Parrots.gif)
:giggle:
:ROFL:
Griffin, that hotel one was genius. I've not had it that bad before, but I have experienced similar things. Crossed lines, poor communication, or dim people, really do make for lulz. :ROFL:
David, those council complaints are superb:-
Quote19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
I had images of Ron Jeremy, Neil Down, or Phil Mycock knocking on their door. :giggle:
(http://i647.photobucket.com/albums/uu198/RamblingSyd/zapata.jpg)
:ROFL:
How can you... ;D
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
^ :mrgreen:
^^ That one's apparently true, as well. Makes it far better. ;D
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun," and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".
So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!" and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."
So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!" and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."
So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish." And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish." And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"
:fishslap: :giggle:
^^ Good one, Roland.
:ROFL:
Now a nice racist joke.
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish Captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'' "No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not? ''You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!''
No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the Captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all same."
LOL! One of the better illustrations of how prejudice works and why it's a fail, that I've seen in awhile.
Good find.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that....2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
:ROFL:
Lmao, Griffin. I've heard that "racist" joke before, but under a slightly different telling. Jokes like this really do illustrate the idiocy involved with racism.
:giggle: I wouldn't put it past you, David. :mrgreen:
Here are a few silly ones for you:-
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
:mrgreen:
Have you heard about the three-star restaurant on the Champs-Élysées that makes omelets with only one egg? Apparently in Paris, one egg is un oeuf.
:mrgreen:
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave her one.
:mrgreen:
Two Betazoids walk into a bar. One says "I'll have the same."
:mrgreen:
So this neutron walks into a bar, orders a pint of lager and begins to open his wallet when the barman says, "For you, no charge!".
:mrgreen:
A man gets into a fight with Batman, who hits him with a vase and goes "T'PAU!"
"Don't you mean 'KAPOW!'?" asks the man
"No", says Batman, "I've got china in my hands"
:mrgreen:
English Teacher: In English," she said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Quote from: Griffin NoName on August 19, 2012, 06:52:52 PM
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
The atheist, dyslexic flea exclaims: "there is no dog!"
The Dead Horse Theory
The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
Taken from one of those circular e-mails.
:giggle:
So accurate.
I notice there was no prohibition for beating the dead horse.
I'd think there would be-- animal rights activists being what they are an all...
::)
Posted by MB on FB today:
And God promised men that
good and obedient wives would
be found in all corners of the world.
Then he made the earth round...........
and laughed and laughed and laughed
^ :D
:D
... and men have been foolishly seeking the world's mythical corners ever since. No one told them it was just a myth, you see.
I thought some men had the world all cornered.
In their pointy-haired (what passes for) heads only...
:D
Me saw that one too. It appeals to my sense of humour. :mrgreen:
Grammar is Important
So, there's an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew sitting on a bench. The Englishman says, "I'm tired and thristy. I think I could do with a beer". The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty too. I think I need some wine." The Jew says "I'm tired and thirsty. I think I have Diabetes".
:giggle:
Quote from: Griffin NoName on October 18, 2012, 01:17:07 AM
So, there's an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew sitting on a bench. The Englishman says, "I'm tired and thristy. I think I could do with a beer". The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty too. I think I need some wine." The Jew says "I'm tired and thirsty. I think I have Diabetes".
:ROFL:
A woman wanted something different for a pet, yet she wished to rescue an animal in need.
So she went to the local animal rescue shelter, and they had just rescued a parrot-- one what talked.
And talked and talked and talked.
That would be all well and good-- the woman did not mind a talker. The problem was, the parrot also had a rather "colorful" vocabulary, one laced with 4 letter words and worse. It seemed the parrot's previous life was in a mechanic's shop, where swearing was routine.
So she went to the local vet, to get advice-- he suggested that since parrots hated the cold, every time the parrot swore, she should put it in the freezer for a bit. Soon enough, the bird'd get the message.
She went directly home to give it a try: once the parrot swore, the woman took his cage, & plopped it into the freezer for 5 minutes.
*ding*
After the timer went off, she went to take the parrot out. And this is what it said: "Ma'am, I promise never to swear again. And might I ask, what it was the chicken did?"
:ROFL:
Fast learner!
From an actual sign posted on the door to the stairs:
Quote
Please, when using the stairs
Stay to the Right when going Up
stay to the Left when going down
This will keep people from
running in to each other.
wait.... what?
My wife has jaundice and a very broad mouth. She can't go near a post offce without getting fed with letters.
(German letterboxes are traditionally yellow)
My dog has no legs and also no name. Why should he since he does not come anyway when called?
Quote from: BobFrom an actual sign posted on the door to the stairs:
Quote
Please, when using the stairs
Stay to the Right when going Up
stay to the Left when going down
This will keep people from
running in to each other.
wait.... what?
I actually worked in a school where that was the rule for a long time. Then one day the headmaster, who as usual was pacing nervously up and down like a cross between Groucho Marx and Max Wall, dramatically clapped a hand to his forehead and cried, "My God!"
"What's wrong, Tony?"
"The stairs, the stairs!"
"What about the stairs, Tony?"
"If the children stick to the right going up and the left going down, they'll all be on the same side!"
Not one of us had spotted it before - including the kids, seemingly.
Quote from: Sibling DavidH on October 26, 2012, 09:44:48 AM
Quote from: BobFrom an actual sign posted on the door to the stairs:
Quote
Please, when using the stairs
Stay to the Right when going Up
stay to the Left when going down
This will keep people from
running in to each other.
wait.... what?
I actually worked in a school where that was the rule for a long time. Then one day the headmaster, who as usual was pacing nervously up and down like a cross between Groucho Marx and Max Wall, dramatically clapped a hand to his forehead and cried, "My God!"
"What's wrong, Tony?"
"The stairs, the stairs!"
"What about the stairs, Tony?"
"If the children stick to the right going up and the left going down, they'll all be on the same side!"
Not one of us had spotted it before - including the kids, seemingly.
It's all about your frame of reference: if you were looking down at the stairs from above, as in a map or drawing, with the stairs oriented bottom at the bottom of the page, and going up towards the top (assuming no landing 1/2 way), then the sign would make sense-- right going up, left coming down.
Or if you limit your frame of reference to those persons going
up, then it also makes sense: up-->right, down-->left.
However, if you use as a frame of reference, each individual stair-walker? It doesn't work: a better sign would have been "Always keep to
your right on the stairs".
This is because "left" and "right" are
relative terms, typically relative to the individual. In contrast to
absolute terms such as 'North' or 'South'.
One reason why I never give traffic directions using "left" and "right". ;D
That's why one should use starboard and port ;)
Quote from: Swatopluk on October 26, 2012, 12:18:43 PM
That's why one should use starboard and port ;)
I prefer my port in a glass, preferably.
::)
Jimmy, once again, threw out his Red Baron pizza in disgust, "It tastes like old burnt used motor oil! Horrible!"
His friend had heard this complaint many times, but this was the first time he witnessed the actual cooking of the pizza. He walked over to the trash can, where the cooling pizza, minus one slice (which was only minus one bite) lay in a forlorn heap. His friend wryly observed, "perhaps you ought to try cooking it without the plastic wrap."
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
^ :giggle: Brilliant!
Griffin, that was pure Woody Allen and [classic] Mel Brooks there. :mrgreen:
A corporate executive, a Tea-Partier, and a union worker are in a cafe, and order a plate of 12 cookies. The executive takes 11 of them, and turns to the Tea-Partier saying, "You'd better watch out for the union worker. He's trying to take your cookie."
Having read 50 Shades of Grey, a Welsh guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal sex for the first time.
He says, "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice and I'll stop." She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
:giggle:
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .....'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, sure I am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are yez from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, so I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin '
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you leave?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I left in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I left Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, And orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
^ :giggle:
^^ :giggle:
^^^ :giggle:
Incredibly adolescent, but....
The US Speaker of the House is named Boehner. John Boehner.
I'm so tuned out of current events that I've never heard this name spoken aloud. My mind interprets it incorrectly. :ty:
Well not jokes .. just some RL .
I blind on my left side . Move over a bit please .
Just almost blind . Not almost deaf as well .
Yes I'm much better after throwing that up . I'm going to feel more of the same any second now.
Lots of stuff like that .
I don't even bother to spell it correctly anymore... I go ahead and write "boner" and nobody gets confused. Go figure. ::)
(http://sphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/150089_527063957323947_909790918_n.jpg)
Nice one David ! :)
LOL!
If only she'd had a son as well. I'd have liked to see a"Transformer Barbie", yeah? :)
Four condemned sit in the train to Siberia. One asks the other why they were condemned
#1: I was against Popov
#2: I was for Popov
#3: I am Popov
Then they ask the first guy: Now, and why are you here?
His answer: Strange that you don't recognize me. I was the judge who condemned all three of you.
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
Have I ever told you the one about an elderly man named Peter whose hemorrhoids were giving him such trouble that he consulted his doctor about them?
The doctor gave him some medicated suppositories and told him to use one daily, then return in a week to talk to the doctor about whether the treatment was effective. Peter wasn`t exactly clear on how the suppositories were to be applied, but as he was a rather stolid man, he was too bashful to ask for fear of looking like a fool in front of the doctor.
So, every day for week, he swallowed one of the suppositories with a glass of water.
When he returned the following week, his piles were twice as inflamed and painful as the week before.
The doctor asked "So, Peter, how are your hemorrhoids now?"
Peter replied "They are killing me! The pain is terrible!"
The doctor asked "Didn't you use the suppositories I prescribed you?"
To which Peter replied "Those goddamned things.... for all the good they did me I could have shoved them up my ass!"
^ :ROFL:
Granny told me not to go to certain places of ill repute because I'd see things there I was not supposed to see. But I nonetheless went there
And what did you see?
Granny
LOL! Well, naturally. :D
^^ :giggle:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a posh restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
Reagan, Thatcher and Kohl were driving in a car together.
They crash.
Thatcher: I am so sorry
Reagan: I a sorry too
Kohl: I am sorry three
(Helmut Kohl's lack of English was a running gag at the time)
Ha! Swato is heavy on wire today
Kohl is on a state visit to Africa and visits a Safari park.
He spots a lion. 'What a nice Dang Eru"
He spots a crocodile. 'Look, another Dang Eru'
He spots an elephant 'The best Dang Eru yet'
His guide asks him what he is talking about.
'Didn't you see the sign? ALL ANIMALS ARE DANGEROUS'
Quote from: Sibling DavidH on February 07, 2013, 07:22:40 PM
......................., a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a posh restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
:ROFL:
God and the Harley Rider
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such a worldly thing. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help all of mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Too bad the Harley rider didn't follow the Mother instead of the Father. ;)
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall."
:headbang:
^^ :sad but appreciative smiley:
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.
He calls home.
'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
;D
^^ :giggle:
:ROFL:
A priest came to a dying man to read him the last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies!" replied the man.
This is an old one from the Soviet Union
There is a rumor that some desired but rare commodity is to be had at the grocery shop, so of course there is a long line hours before the shop opens.
At last the shop manager comes out and says: 'Unfortunately there is not enough for everyone. The Jews can go home.' After a few hours he comes out a second time and says: 'Unfortunately it is still not enough for the remaining. Anyone not in the Party can go home' The party members are let in into the shop but there is nothing there. The shop manager says: 'Comrades, now that we are among ourselves I have to tell you: there is actually nothing to be had today. Sorry.' One of the present customers: 'Why do the Jews always get preferential treatment?'
:mrgreen: Knock Knock!
;D Who's there?
:mrgreen: Oh - you've already heard this one?
I got a new flat on the 19th floor of this tower block. I used to live on the 20th floor, but that's another storey.
Why are ants not in the Church?
Because they are in|sects
Here is a nice links to special jokes
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1h1cyg/whats_the_most_intellectual_joke_you_know/
A hundred kilopascals go into a bar...
^ some good material there, Swato. :D
Missing Letter Books
http://www.pleated-jeans.com/2013/07/01/book-titles-with-one-letter-missing-20-pics/
<quote Woody Allen>
Anyone know about oral contraception?
I once had an experience of oral contraception.
I asked a woman to have sex with me.
She said no.
What do you call a Japanese ganster kid?
a jacuzzi
A Scotsman' letter to the editor:
Dear Sir
Any more Scotsman jokes in your paper an I'll stop borrowing it.
Btw, what are Scotsmen?
Answer: Suebians that got banished for profligacy
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who on earth did your hair?"
LOL! Excellent one, Griffin.
Brilliant!
Why do hens lay eggs?
If the threw them, they'd break.
Works even better in German where the term for litter (mammalian animal kids born together) is 'Wurf' (throw), so a sow actually throws her young in German.
If jurists would write biology textbooks, one would read sentences like:
"All flying animals lay eggs with the exception of those that possess an endoskeleton* but are not birds"
*alternatively: are warmblooded (not strictly true for some bats)
Quote from: Swatopluk on October 03, 2013, 11:34:16 AM
If jurists would write biology textbooks, one would read sentences like:
"All flying animals lay eggs with the exception of those that possess an endoskeleton* but are not birds"
*alternatively: are warmblooded (not strictly true for some bats)
Most (if not all) birds are warmblooded, AFAIK.
One of the pieces of the puzzle claiming dinosaurs were too.
If you read the sentence correctly it says in essence: Insects and birds lay eggs, bats (non-birds that are warmblooded/with endoskeleton) don't.
Or shorter, bats are the only flying animals not laying eggs.
But that's not how a jurist would word it
I currently have to go through chemical law for an exam and it's full of
1. All X have to do Y
2. Those X that are Z are exempted from doing Y
3. That does not apply to Z that are also A
=> All X that not Z, unless they are also A, have to do Y
That's like the old puzzles.
Mrs Brown lives in a white house, Mrs Green lives in a green house, all people in red houses have walking sticks, etc etc.
Good old racist joke..............
An Arab Sheik, with a particular blood type, was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
The doctors needed additional blood prior to the operation. This rare type of blood couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, some diamonds & 10,000 US dollars.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through some corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.
:giggle:
Good one! :D
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine
against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
Teacher: Where do thunderstorms come from
Pupil: my granny
Teacher: ???
Pupil: Every time there is a thunderstorm my granny sighs in relief and says: At last. I had it in my bones for days
An Australian got a new boomerang for Xmas.
Since then he has tried unsuccessfully to throw the old one away.
Update of an old joke:
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
And those who know this joke is actually in base 3.
Quote from: Swatopluk on September 17, 2013, 11:59:29 PM
Why do hens lay eggs?
If the threw them, they'd break.
Works even better in German where the term for litter (mammalian animal kids born together) is 'Wurf' (throw), so a sow actually throws her young in German.
Q: What's the difference between me* and eggs?
A: Eggs get laid.
*insert target of joke here as desired. I like a bit of self-defecating humour now and again. ;)
Attention, grammar freaks: ;)
(http://www.sandraandwoo.com/comics/2014-06-26-0593-buffalo-buffalo.png)
For Swato:
(http://www.sandraandwoo.com/woode/comics/2014-06-26-0593-weiche-weichen.png)
(bilingual webcomic :))
Have you heard about the Marvel Comics corporate hockey tournament? Every year, they get together to compete for the Stan Lee Cup.
Seen on TV for real yesterday.
A group of schoolchildren, looked about 8 years old, were being taught about WWII. They were asked what Hitler's first name was. One little boy put his hand up and answered "Heil".
Q. How do you make pumpkin pie?
A. Divide the circumference of the pumpkin by its diameter.
This might be the Torygraph but it's still funny
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/11339077/The-truth-about-Birmingham-foxnewsfacts.html
:ROFL:
I adore the jam jars.
It is a glimpse of hope when even the Torygraph makes fun of Fox (not that difficult, really, but still). ;)
A Jewish Marxist in New York sends his son to a Catholic school.
One day the son comes home and talks about The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost.
His father interrupts him and says: There is only one G*d and we don't believe in Him.
:ROFL: :ROFL:
A psychoanalyst calls the mother of a Jewish patient: I have to tell you that regrettably your son suffers from an Oedipus complex.
Her answer: I don't care as long as he still loves his mum.
What is the difference between Herpes and Love?
Herpes is for ever.
Patient: my life is like Charlie Brown. Every time I go to kick the ball Lucy pulls it away and I fall flat on my back.
Counsellor: I think you have analogy to peanuts.
Good morning.... I slept like a baby. :baby_sleep:
Shit myself and cried all night!
My granny recently fell off the ladder while ironing the curtains and broke a leg.
Her doctor has strictly forbidden her to climb any stairs.
You won't believe what noise it makes now when she always climbs up the rain gutter.
One honeymoon salad please:
Lettuce alone and no dressing.
Quote from: Swatopluk on September 17, 2016, 09:57:09 AM
One honeymoon salad please:
Lettuce alone and no dressing.
Oh! Dear! I see the standards have not improved during our break.
Straight from the Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
So much about sophisticated American humor ::)
Does the 2016 US election count as a simple joke?
It depends on whether you want worldwide destruction or climate change escalation.
A hoax, one might wish.... ::)
Some people are banking on him never actually getting to the White House.
The best case scenario (an all repug administration) is quite bad in many fronts, but I'm quite worried that wont be the case.
Hmmm, he's changing his mind on some stuff from his campaigning. Not that this means he may turn into a real President.
This is not a joke. I did have one but I've forgotten it.
Considering some of the criminals people he is choosing for his cabinet I'd say the joke's on us.
bad classic philologist pun:
Q: Why are 'morally upstanding' people always so stiff?
A: Rigor moris
Groan. Shame something is wrong with the smilies at present, we need one for groan.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely fuck-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."
Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
Read recently that a theist scientist has claimed that Noah used a cell phone to call his son who was many miles away to warn him the deluge was starting. (Sorry, no joke. This guy was serious.)
So take that, Australians. Noah had wireless millenia before you did.
Why do evangelicals rarely name their sons Johnny and, if they do, do not allow them to join the army?
Cause they'll all be gay when Johnny comes marching home.
Quote from: Griffin on January 22, 2018, 03:08:56 AM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists...
LOL, Stolen. Didn't see this one before...
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles!
<groan>
And a groan from me too. Swato, that is only worthy of a Christmas cracker - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_cracker
What goes oh! oh! oh!
Santa walking backwards.
A crow has seven pinion feathers. A raven has six pinion feathers. So the difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.
A hydrogen atom walks late into a bar. Why can't it find a partner for bonding there?
All else Argon already.
<facepalm>
:aargh!:
In parts of east Africa they protect cattle from lion attacks by painting eyes on the butts of the cattle. Don't believe this works? Try painting eyes on your butt and see if you get attacked by a lion.
That would not be objective since it involves yourself into the experiment. Use a superfluous family member.
But that might leave YOU open to lion attacks.
Basic training in chartered accountancy and a proper hat will take care of that.
It's the giving time of the season, and I encourage you all to give what you can to those in need.
Just be sure that you drop your donations off with the correct organization. There was one unfortunate year where I mixed up my donations to the food bank and the sperm bank. Now there's some poor kid out there whose biological father is Hellman's Best Mayonnaise.
Anyone want a BLT?? :mrgreen:
Very unfortunate Aggie. Wonder what the kid's DNA is like. Maybe a bit of a problem on Ancestry.com too.
Consider with and without commas...
With: I like cooking, my pets and small children.
Without: I like cooking my pets and small children.
The devil is in the comma as the popular preacher Abraham a Sancta Clara showed.
The angel in the (empty?) grave said to the women:
"Resurrexit, non est hic" (He is risen, he is not here)
Drop the comma and it becomes heresy:
"Resurrext non, est hic" (He isn't risen, he is here)
And here's another classic on the comma*:
QuoteA panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eats,_Shoots_%26_Leaves
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A comma is a pause at the end of a clause; a cat has claws at the end of its paws.
Why should one avoid to use too many commas?
You'll end commatose.
(https://i0.wp.com/whyevolutionistrue.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/418730331_10222910663865423_6975136603727250254_n.jpg?ssl=1)
Really, really needs a comma.
Or a couple of exclamation points!! :o
But: "Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind."
In this case a deceased one could be the result though too.
Btw, should "deceased" not be the opposite of "ceased" (as e.g. in construct and deconstruct)? A person that has ceased to be be thus should not be "deceased", which in this context sounds like zombification linguistically.
Really!!!!!!!???? Is that true???????!!!!!
It's not a diseased mind right now, just a damaged one. I've been nursing a concussion for a week and a half:
Quote from: SteepsWell, some unexpected snow decided to show up, so I got the chance yesterday to try the Stickies out in some moderate (7-10 cm) powder conditions. They were great! Lots of fun dropping into steep terrain. Didn't tweak the binding settings, and I think next time I'd set them back a bit more. Might be a while till next time though....
Near the end of my first run, ripping a green groomer to get back to the lift, I swung to the right under the path of a snow machine to avoid a fast but wide-turning run hog while overtaking said hog. I'm not sure exactly what happened (snow plume reduced visibility for a couple of seconds), but my guess is that I dropped into some sort of a powder-filled hole or depression and caught my tips at speed. Cue a sudden, high-speed green run tomahawk of at least two full rotations. The first impact was pretty much smack on the top of my head, and my head made it back to the ground at least once more before I stopped (kind of lost count...). I wear a helmet at all times, of course. After coming to a stop and doing a quick self-assessment, my upper back between my shoulder blades was pretty cranky, and my bell had been pretty firmly rung, but nothing seemed broken. When I went to get to my feet, one of my boards felt a bit... floppy.
(photo omitted)
Yep, clean break through the top sheet, core and sidewalls (ptex and edges survived). I was pretty close to the bottom of the hill, so it wasn't a problem to make it down, hit the truck, grab my Spliffs and get back on the gondy. I rode till the end of the day, another 5 1/2 hours or so. Lots of stretches along the way to nudge my back into shape, and by the end I was starting to clue in that I had a minor concussion, but hey it was the first fresh snowfall of the season. :rolleyes:
​
To be clear, the break was 100% the result of the crash and not a contributing factor. I'm pretty sure it must have happened on my first rotation, after my head left the ground... I'm guessing my tail planted in the snow when my feet came around and snapped as my body rotated up and around for my next head-plant. Seems pretty consistent with the placement and degree of the break. So no fault on the Stickies, here. Not sure on my travel speed but it was probably somewhere in the 60-70 km/h range given the terrain and general feel of it (that's fast-comfortable, as opposed to the scary-fast 100 km/h top speeds that I sometimes hit on steeper groomers).
I guess I shouldn't have opened up my mouth about being willing to buy another pair of Stickies if this one got trashed. :confused: I was picturing some core shots and chewed up edges, not catastrophic dismemberment. I guess I've got a spare board for next time. Ah well, it was a fun 4 days, while it lasted... and I will be back for another pair!
Woke up this morning feeling thoroughly sh**kicked, to see that we got even more fresh snow (11 cm) overnight. I was too smashed to shred today, with a lingering headache and sore muscles all over the place, especially my shoulders, core muscles and for some reason, my inner thighs. My back, where it felt like I has done some damage post-crash, is actually feeling all right, so continuing to ride and stretch much have done it some good.
The moral of this story?? Green runs are dangerous. Stick to double-blacks.