Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[The Black Spot]

Dear Principal Cullinane

I am writing to congratulate you on the fitness levels of your teachers, and the rigorous level of physical exercise at your establishment.

Young Jason came home this evening quite exhausted. He said he had pulled the wig off Mr Calico Jack's head, and that he had been chased for 26 miles until he was forced to give it back.

Yours,

A Happy Parent

[DaveL]

Dear Staff,

I am becoming increasingly disturbed at the unruly behaviour during assembly. Mr Bluenose can you please ensure that the children do not gain access to the still room before 12:00 noon? Their rowdy singing was drowning out the PA system.

Capn Treadmill Kane (Counsellor), can you please step up yer efforts in rehabilitating the students who have been partaking in eating Bart Industries produce.

The effects are becoming rather notable, such as distended bellies, yellow finger nails, red eyes and thinning hair. Our school does not wish to become associated 'Bart-o-rexia Pirosa'. 

Can we please just stick to standard malnourishment diseases, such as scurvy for now?

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Prince Pal

Oi bin tyrin me best but the cownseelllin room be full ter the roofe wiv vermit. (an vomitin vermin too).

Ther pairunts be demandin waders fer theyre brats the stewdents (that stew sure meks dents) but Oi bin refusin ter let em ware rubbers in case it effects ther moinds.

Youwers

Cap'n Treadmill-Kane

[Bluenose]

Deer Prinshepal Cull'n'n'n'n'n...,

Oi kin ashoor yoo that Oi neva let the rotten litlle varmints deer stud'nts near th' shtill till well into the sec'nd dog watch.  Th' pr'blem be the parents wot 'ave been sendin their little blighters dear children to skool wiv a bottle of Cap'n's D'lite in there lunch boxes.  Oi even caught little Johnny Howard the other day with a hole case ov it.  Seems our marketing strategy of selling th' stuffe as a health tonic 'as been a bit two sukksessfulle.  Oi 'ave taken ter hinspecktering all students bags and lunch boxes at the skool gate an' konfiskatin any unorferized substances.  O' corse Oi 'ave ter test the contents ter enshoor that it is wot it sez on the lable, no tellin wot sum o these littel buggers er darlings can come up with.  This seems ter be werkin ter sum eckstent, but there is still a problem with the boarders.  They seem ter 'ave found a way inter the still room after dark an Oi jess kant find out where.  Th' door be heavily bolted and locked wiv one o' Bustlin Brian's best padlocks.  Oi jest kant werke it owt.

Stillmaster Bluenose

[The Black Spot]

Dear Principal Cullinane

As ye know, I be the landlord o' the Admiral Benbow an' I runs a tradishnal istab esstab pub.

Can ye keep yer little monsters out o' me boozer. They gets in the way o' the punchups, an they can't 'old their drink as they be sick after a couple o' gallons each.

Can't ye keep the little bleeders at skool? Everything were fine till ye stopped 'em drinking there.

Marvellous.

Tom Dillon
Landlord, The Admiral Benbow

[Black Bart]

Dear Mr Dillon (not very marvellous)

Thankyou for bringing this matter to our attention.  You will shortly be receiving a bill for:

a. Dislodging said pupils from greesy old carpet (their shoes are still stuck fast to the grime!).

b. Medical expenses for emergency stomach pumping after said pupils had consumed pies and sandwiches from your establishment.

c. Funeral expenses for one fatality caused by the gasseous emissions of a member of your staff a Mr Arseburn O'Leary!

I trust this will be an end to the matter.

Yours Sincerely

Principal Cullinane OPE

[The Black Spot]

Principal Cullinane,

I's just got yer letter, an I ain't best pleased.

I objects to yer complainin' that yer kids got their feet stuck to me carpet. As I've bin sayin' fer years now, the refurbishment starts next week.

As a peace offerin', I's sent over a platter o' me special mush an gristle sandwiches.

Yours

Tom Dillon
Your genial host,
The Admiral Benbow

[DaveL]

Dear Principal Cullinane,

We are lead to believe that there is an impersonator pretending to be you.

Can you please send forth your most personal details, including birthmarks, name of your first pet, name of your first girlfriend and your current dietary requirements, so we can catch the blighter.

Do you like fishhead stew? The Principal we spoke to yesterday appears to eat the stuff by the bucket load.

Yours in law enforcement,

Constable 'Saucy Vegetable Lover' Bill Timmins

[The Black Spot]

Dear Constable Timmins

I be replyin' to yer letter to Prinippell Wossisname. I discovered it by accident when I was rifling through 'is safe.

Ye be correct - the principple be actin' odd lately. Just yesterday, 'ee were talkin' in a welsh accent an' were wearin' a rather spiffy lookin' eyepatch.

Let me know if there's a reward fer 'im, and I'll bang 'im on the 'ead for yers.

Master Spot.

[DaveL]

                               VIGILANTE PERMIT

Applicant: Mr Black Spot and Associates

Status: Approved/Rejected

Subject: The imposter impersonatin' Principal Bill Cullinane, hence forthwith known as  B.B.

Terms of reference: Portsmouth Constabulary hereby issues to the applicant with full powers of arrest. In addition, the applicant shall be issued with the powers of forceful confession including amputation, garoting and 'Dark Avengering'.

Fee: 20 Dubloon, refundable on sucessful completion of the task.

Signed B.Timmins

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Timmins Sir

Culd we av annuver 6 permits fer the BB killin arrest. We are under-staffed an kneed ter put mooore men on ther case.

Fanks

Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Grass
Black Spot Associates

[The Black Spot]

Dear Constable Timmins

One o' me associates, Angus, got all excited when 'ee saw the legal murderin vigilante permit, an' fashioned 'imself a weapon by weldin' a 12 pound cannon ball to the end o' a long bit o' chain.

Yersterday mornin' 'ee came in shoutin' "I got him! I got him!" an' pointed to a figure lying in the school driveway.

Angus 'ad made quite a mess, an' it were hard to make out 'oo 'eed done in.

Please examine the contents o' the attached tea chest. Angus swears that it be BB, but whatever's in the chest seems to be  wearin' a postman's uniform. It also seems to 'ave two legs an' two 'ands. It's hard to be sure though.

I expect yer cheque soonest.

TBS

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Postman Pat Constable Tim

Oi think ther may be anovver imposter. Av yer got a letter from somwun signin themselv TBS?

If it refers ter Angus yer want ter tak care. Angus be a well knowne Steak House and it be a warnin ter yer that ye will mek good meat.

As yer will notisse Oi be not afeard to sign me real name lik sum ovver folk.

Yours

Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Grass
Associate of The Black Spot

ps. wy arnt ther constabuls mor feierce on ther causes of imposters?

[Black Bart]

Portsmouth Pirate Public School Proudly unveil the newly commissioned portrait of the honourable Principal Cullinane:

[The Black Spot]

Dear Constable Timmins

Things 'ave bin a bit difficult 'ere recently. It turns out that Angus 'asn't got a clue what BB looks like. Just this mornin' I found a mound o' thick red paste in the flowerbeds. Turned out it were the milkman.

Now I sees we 'ave a picture o' the bugger. I've passed it on to Angus, 'oo now 'as a proper target for 'is ball an chain.

Yours

Master Spot
Special Appointed Vigilante