Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[Black Bart]

Dear Principle Culinane

I has been away on...er...business and ave returned on the evenin tide.  I am shocked and orrified to see wots been a goin on in this school in my absess.  What are these kids up to...gettin their mums to write threatenin letters...aven't they got up to:

"Advanced Threatenin Letters and Randsom Notes" yet?

and also why as they turned the Stables into a Bike shed?

[DaveL]

Dear Bart,

As we've bin sportin a few financial problems of late ie Fines with the Portsmouth Taxation Dept, Drugs Alcohol Department and Portsmouth Child Welfare Agency, we have decided to extend our fine educashional facility to doin night school for adults.

This involves takin in lots of full fee payin rich people, that think they can become pirates shelling out lots of money. Advanced Threatenin Letters and Randsom Notes will be on the adult kerrickulum.

We will need to develop our adult programme and I will be needin all yer expertise to come up wif a subject list. We will also need you to werke a few hours extra at night, to pay off the fines. Hope you wern't planning any holidays gang.

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Principal Culleverythin

Oi be a dab and wiv fund-raisin so as ter avoyd werkin extrer shifts at yer rotten skool Oi be off rownd ther world now ter see if Oi ken gets ye owt o yer finanshiall diffikulty.

If yer teechers av any speshiall reqwests fer me ter visit persuns oo may av masses o tressure wot be appy ter be releeved awf it, tell em ter send me one of em new-fangled C-males thingys. Me addi be Treadmill@sea-farin.yaaarghooey.

Best ever

Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Nicksum

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Principle Cullhanane ,

        Several of your students were seen tripping up my patrons as they left the Druncken Skunk and then stripping them of all possessions and running off !

    This is an outrage ! I expect they will be back promptly with my customary percentage .

Yers Trooley , Lefty

[Jackdaw]

Princ'ple Culinane,

Oi be writin' ter see if'n ya have any teachin' puz pozish jobs op'n at this toime, what wi' th' new night-curric'lum an' all.  I be well-versed in th' arts o' disgoise, skulldudgery, an' knife-throwin'.

Oi'd lookt inter possible teachin' options at St. Winnie's, 'cross th' way, but Oi've sinse lerned they ain't teachin' them girls proper.  Th' 'eadmistress 'ad th' gall to call me a "lady pirate."  Oi tol' 'er to 'er face, that's a blatant conterdiction.  Pirate Oi be, female Oi be, and Oi may on occasion present meself as a gennelman, but "lady" an' "pirate" 'ave no business in th' same sentence, an' shame on 'er fer not teachin' them lasses th' roight terminolergy.

Yrs. etc,
Mag "Jack" Dawes
Cap'n o' th' Virtue

[DaveL]

Dear Ms Dawes,

Oi've bin picking me nose while reading your CV. It is most mostly rubbish impressive and me secretary will be contacting yer shortly, as soon as she's finished massaging me back.

We be needing a good knife throwin teacher on campus. The last one met wif an unfortunate accident a few OH&S issues after he reportedMr Kiyoodle's students were stealing his equipment some issues with knife supplies.

We look forward to workin long and hard hours wif yer.

Koind Regards,

Prinicipal Cullinane

[Pachyderm]

Dear Principal Cullinane,

     Oi was wonderin' if'n ye had a need fer a teacher whut cud learn the little bar-stewards darlin's ahll about bein' big, grey an' sneaky.

Oi 'as some qauli qwalli hexperience in the field. Oi allso 'as a right good whatdeyecallit, doohickey. Doobiefirkin. Oi is good at 'membrin' fings. Heh, not to bad at dismembrin' fings, neivver.

So, if'n ye could see yer way ter admittin' me ter the academical staff, would get Mrs Cap'n P off me back about loafin' round the house, suppin' all the grog.

Cap'n  P

[Black Bart]

ARRRRR ye could tell the little blaggards the highly moral tale of the Elephant and the Lion...no hang on, that's the Lion and the mouse...Oh sorry ye don't loik Mouses does ye!

[Pachyderm]

Not me favourite beastie, no. But Oi ain't met one yet as can stand up ter cannonfire. Sunk a lot o' me own ships, though.

[Alpaca]

But Oi ain't met one yet as can stand up ter cannonfire. Sunk a lot o' me own ships, though.

That's what Oi loiks ter call "professiernal development."

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Avast Principle Cullhane ,

                I wuz doan at de beech arr!y dis morn lookin ta nic a skiff arr dingy enjoyin de salt arr an spray .

Twas at dis junker in toime dat I spyed yer fewcheer tree arr!namints poopulls .

I set meself behine sum roks ta see whut I mite lurn   whut day be up ta .

Whut at foist wuz mebbe a duzzen odor wuns becum haff ye junior scoolers basides admirrin a bunch a boats narr wadders edge .

Iffen de dint tek da   wun uh wantit  bess ove da bunch an rowd owt ta dat visitin French shup . Day be bak widden de our wid a normus chess .
Apon kracken her opin day dun made sech a fuss wid cheerin en sech day woke up consabull Timmim over at Fifi's , wot shauna lite onnem . Well the lucky bastids yung uns loaded up quik silver wid dere booty even as i ran at em , triyen ta scArr dem off my goodz da stolen booty !

Uh finely reeched da chess an all dare  wuz leff wuz a buncha pink clodes , garden tools , exercize quipmint en a pile ove copper coins .
I leff the exersize stuff behine and wint ta Madame Chantal retoine de goods.

I muss ask ye , " WOT BE YE TEECHIN DEM KIDS !" , I got plasteredmugged wiff all da goods , soze wot day leff behine wuz valabull . I ope day doo bedder necks toime .

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cullinary

Oi be sergestin ye open a new clarsse in yer skool fer elokutiun. Sum o the poopils culd do wiv lernin ow ter speek proper. Oi be thinkin a three 'our slot wunce a weak and yer culd call it ther three arrrrghs clarsse.

Yours
Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Pidgin
Pirate Intigratiun Board

[DaveL]

Dear Principal Cullinane,

     Oi was wonderin' if'n ye had a need fer a teacher whut cud learn the little bar-stewards darlin's ahll about bein' big, grey an' sneaky.

Oi 'as some qauli qwalli hexperience in the field. Oi allso 'as a right good whatdeyecallit, doohickey. Doobiefirkin. Oi is good at 'membrin' fings. Heh, not to bad at dismembrin' fings, neivver.

So, if'n ye could see yer way ter admittin' me ter the academical staff, would get Mrs Cap'n P off me back about loafin' round the house, suppin' all the grog.

Cap'n  P

Dear Capn P,

The art of bein a bastard big grey and sneaky is a fine one indeed. Especially if you've got a good sized doohickey. It's sumthin to be proud of.

So on that note alone, your hired.

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[DaveL]

Avast Principle Cullhane ,

                I wuz doan at de beech arr!y dis morn lookin ta nic a skiff arr dingy enjoyin de salt arr an spray .

Twas at dis junker in toime dat I spyed yer fewcheer tree arr!namints poopulls .

I set meself behine sum roks ta see whut I mite lurn   whut day be up ta .

Whut at foist wuz mebbe a duzzen odor wuns becum haff ye junior scoolers basides admirrin a bunch a boats narr wadders edge .

Iffen de dint tek da   wun uh wantit  bess ove da bunch an rowd owt ta dat visitin French shup . Day be bak widden de our wid a normus chess .
Apon kracken her opin day dun made sech a fuss wid cheerin en sech day woke up consabull Timmim over at Fifi's , wot shauna lite onnem . Well the lucky bastids yung uns loaded up quik silver wid dere booty even as i ran at em , triyen ta scArr dem off my goodz da stolen booty !

Uh finely reeched da chess an all dare  wuz leff wuz a buncha pink clodes , garden tools , exercize quipmint en a pile ove copper coins .
I leff the exersize stuff behine and wint ta Madame Chantal retoine de goods.

I muss ask ye , " WOT BE YE TEECHIN DEM KIDS !" , I got plasteredmugged wiff all da goods , soze wot day leff behine wuz valabull . I ope day doo bedder necks toime .

Dear Anonymous,

My students learn valuable criminal activity life lessons, that will make 'em the finest lechering varmints, maritime students in their housing estates, on the entire 7 seas.

You may return the stolen items to me, particularly the pink dress as it's my night out tonight as it's my wife's, and she's misssing it awfully. No questions asked I will reward you with some of the still masters finest for your trouble.

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[DaveL]

Dear Cullinary

Oi be sergestin ye open a new clarsse in yer skool fer elokutiun. Sum o the poopils culd do wiv lernin ow ter speek proper. Oi be thinkin a three 'our slot wunce a weak and yer culd call it ther three arrrrghs clarsse.

Yours
Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Pidgin
Pirate Intigratiun Board

Dear Lord T.

I'm afraid that spellin stuff isn't included. Wif all these bloomin spell checkers on Windows Portholes these days, the little blaggards are forgettin their proper spellin.

If that Admiral Gates ever stops by this school I'll be making sure, he makes a big fat donation to our school coffers, he gets are right ear bashing of me illiterate dedicated staff.

I will see that your plan is implemented at once, once I sober up.

Kind Regards

Principal C.