Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Princepull Culinane ,

                Me 8 yeer ole dun tole me he learnt ta steal a skiff , use it ta raid a shup den split up the goods on shor!

  WHUT IS DIS OWTRAGE!!

Everybody node ye tek it ta a secrit place foist... ye try ta nic a coin or too wen ye mates not be lookin ....den ye rig up the skiff as ye own !

I spect ta see da gilltee teecher on the plank and sum provemint in yer teechin tekneeks .

                              Sinsurly , Mad Will

 

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Deer prinshipple Culinane,

Oi've 'eard romour rumrouse t'at a protest is planned in front of our isteblashment eestabusm school on Friday.

Should we attack t'e protestors?

Yours sinsherely

Little Max, the Class Prosidant President

[Bluenose]

Deer snotty nosed little toad Max,

The planned protests seems like an ekscellint exslont good opportunity fer the little blighters students to gain some praktikal experience in the skills acquired in Repelling Boarders 101.  Pleeze make shoor the rotten little varnints students are issued with sharpened cutlasses and live ammunition from the armory.  You might also arx the Still Master iffen 'e kin help you out makin Molotov cocktails.

Regards,
Chief Blaggard Prinsiple Cullinane

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Dear Principal Culinane

Due to recent investigations of the Portsmouth Police Department interest of the public in the financial activities of our school, especially my little stock market frauds our Wealth Liberating class, I have to flee to the Bahamas take a little vacation at my summer residence, as I'm overworked spending night after night destroying evidence.

I will be back when things calm down when I feel better.

I hope you find someone to blame it on a decent replacement for the upcoming weeks.

Yours sincerely

Kiyoodle the Double-Crosser Tired

[DaveL]

Dear Mr Bluenose,

Given your extensive knowledge in getting a whipping off Francine whip cracking, I have decided to appoint you as coordinator for our new course entitled:

'Advanced Bosun'ry 305- The Art of Giving A Good Flogging'

Congratulations on your ill gotten, new appointment. You are free to utilise the talents of Francine 'external demonstrators' as you choose.

We look forward to you sharing your skills with the students. Can you please ensure that you desist from being the subject of any praktical demunstrashuns?

We will rustle up some naughty students in your place.

Kind Regards,

Principal Bill 'Cat O Nine Tails' Cullinane

[Bluenose]

Deare Prinserpell Cull'n'n,

Oi be grately 'onored by yer recognishun of me hexperteeze in these matters.  Oi 'ave already started on a coarse plan two inshore propper hinstructshun of the stoodents.

Oi assume that this means Oi will this toime be abel ter claim the cost o' me Madam Fifi's Gold Pass against the School's hexpense account.

Your Umble and Obedient Servernt

Cap'n Bluenose
Stillmaster, Master of Discipline

[DaveL]

Dear Principal Culinane

Due to recent investigations of the Portsmouth Police Department interest of the public in the financial activities of our school, especially my little stock market frauds our Wealth Liberating class, I have to flee to the Bahamas take a little vacation at my summer residence, as I'm overworked spending night after night destroying evidence.

I will be back when things calm down when I feel better.

I hope you find someone to blame it on a decent replacement for the upcoming weeks.

Yours sincerely

Kiyoodle the Double-Crosser Tired

Dear Mr Kiyoodle,

Have ye heard of Camosun College? Would yer like a job there? I can arrange it for ye at once.

Say hi to me 'Taxation Manager' Winston, when yer in the Bahamas. Tell im Oi needs to arrange a few funds transfers to me other taxation manager Joost in Switzerland.

Koind Regards,

Principal C.

[Black Bart]

Dear Principal Culinane

I has returned from me holiday in the Dry Tortugas only ta find me Fireside armchair in the Staff Room has been given over to a new boy.  I damned im fer his cheek and demanded that he give me back me cosy cushion and slippers and the blaggard said he'd burned em to toast his chestnuts!

He reckons he be the new Science and Gunpowder Master for year 6.  I wants me chair back now or I shall go on strike forthwith!

Yours,

A Disgruntled Bart

[DaveL]

Dear ADB

Eugene Wiggins is a very idiotic special boy with kelptomania, very special needs. He wishes no immediate return of your stuff, harm. Should you wish to bugger off leave the office, Eugene will hock your belongings to the highest bidder, thoughfully return your gear, no questions asked.

Should you have further difficulties with Eugene, then you've got no hope, then please contact me, not that I will do anything.

Kind Regards,

Principal 'How much for the Slippers Eugene?' Cullinane

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cull'

A slimey roight oddball 'as bin stirrin' up truble in ther staff room. Oi's ne'er scene 'im befoore. Yoo know Oi be ther last ter sneek tayles but Oi rekkun 'e be a risk ter boys an' masters aloike. Oi jest thawt yer shuld know if'n no wun else 'as towld yer. Yoo ken reckernise 'im by 'is red 'air an tasteless frillie shurts.

Yours sinceerly

Eugene

Ps. Oi 'as sum loverly slippers cheep. Oi ken stretch 'em ter yer soize fer ther roigth price. They be rather small.

[Black Bart]

Arrrr Principle C me ol matey

I has bin away so long, no bugger seems ta recognise me.  As it appens, I hardly recognise meself since I had the Liposuckshun and the Hair transplant.  Any chance of a new harmchair?

[anthrobabe]

Arrrr Principle C me ol matey

I has bin away so long, no bugger seems ta recognise me.  As it appens, I hardly recognise meself since I had the Liposuckshun and the Hair transplant.  Any chance of a new harmchair?

well Bart ye looks a fright-- ye appears to be a skeleton wearin a wig (liposuckshun and hair transplant) --- sorry ye 'avent been properly welcomed back- we'd been hidin frum ye. Now we knows it jus be wittle ol yew.

Not sure 'bout that chair doins--- ye kin always submits a request on that fancy-dancy 12 part paper we aves round heres somewheres and it will be placed at tha bottom of a pile somewheres where it'll be forgots about till next millinium or somefink. meanwhiles jus sneak into an empty office and steals ye one. (I won't tell)

I see ye've turned in a request for "sabbatical expenses"--- oim fairly sure that the rum and wench service can't be considered- oil see's whot I kin do for ye otherwise

cincerely
Saucy Gert , doin her second job here at tha skool

[Bluenose]

Deer Princerpal Cullinnannenneaine,

It seems we as bin n'glektin our pedagogical duties on account o' 'ow much toime we bin spendin in ol' Portsmouth.  In our absense the students 'ave taken over the staffe room and claim that they'll make enny teachers, wot shows their 'eads thereabouts, walk the plank.  This is a disgrace an Oi has called Constable Timmins roun' ter evict the little blaggards, but 'e seems ter be detained jest now over at Old Portsmouth, sommat abowt some rodent named Phil or somfin.

On the plusse soide Oi kin report that sales o' Captain's Delight over there be very healthy and Oi 'ave 'ad ter install sum ortomatik mashinery aughtametic mekanikals more students ter run the stills.  This 'as hincreased production 350% an' we seem ter be keepiin up wiv deman fer the toime bein, but now Oi finde that Oi kin hardly move down in the stiilroom, wiv all them styudents running about, they're loike ants!  Ter overcome this state o' affairs Oi 'ave takin the lberty of callin the builders to construkt a new still house on the rugby pitch, seein as how the little barskets nevver use it fer rugby aenny wise.  At our present rate of produktshun we should be able ter pay off the building costs within three months so Oi didunt fink yer wuld want ter be trubbled wiv the details and Oi jest be sending this ter ye fer ye infermashun.

Oi has put up a notice on the students noticeboard advising any interested students that Oi will be running a course in advanced stillery pracktisse commencing next week and Oi ave bin overwhelmed wiv replies.  Oi think Oi might 'ave ter run the class in shifts ter cope wiv the numbers.  This shuld fit in well wiv me new productshun shedjool as we move from a two shift basis to a round the clock production, which should further increase output by 50% - this shuld be ennuff until the new stillery comes on line.

Stillmaster Cap'n Bluenose
'
PS Yer usual bribe cream off the top investment dividend will be delivered in a plain brown envelope as usual behind the bike sheds on Friday.

[pieces o nine]

Dear Principal Culinane:

Oi ave a couple cabin boys at PPPS, an oi wish ter complain about the newtritious hot lunch swill bein served this term. Me lads be staggerin back to the Mad Moggies Revenge hafter classes, green around the gills, unsteady on their feet, an fallin outter the riggin unable to concentrate on their duties.

Oi hates to point fingers, but hit seems one o yer instructors be earnin some extra dubloons unreported salary on the soide, loike, after doin away wif the contracted food service an substitutin sumpin unspeakable from is own ship. Oi ave sent me cabin boys wif their own weevil-biscuit lunches to no avail, as they are confiscated and eaten by the staff discarded to maintain this unseemly monopoly. Please look inter this an flog the guilty party address this situration at yer earliest convenyence hopportunity.

Yours sincerely,
pieces o nine

ps: oi ave taken the liberty of hincludin hevidence wif this missive.

[Aggie]

Dear Principal Culinane:

Oi've a modest proposal wot may serve to ease yer recent troubles with school lunches, also it may help provide educational opertunities for your students.  Let me offer my services setting up classes on Maritime Emergency Nutrition, Edible Species Identification, and The Custom of the Sea - Practical Applications, all subjects o' which I am an expert.  As a part o' the program, Oi'll have my classes take shifts at catching curs and moggies aquiring supplemental provisions and preparin' grub for the school at large, which should give you spare cash for Fifi's extra room in the budget.

Also, Oi've a unique brand o' discipline what should help fill some bellies prevent re-offence, also am experienced in emergency surgery and have pioneered many new non-fatal amputation techniques.

Please see my attached letter of recommendation from the Maritime Health Authority.

Yours fully,

Taddeus Bellinghouse,
Captain o' the Allium


PS - If you wish to discuss my proposal further, please feel free to drop by the Allium for dinner - I will personally prepare a nice Filet Mignonette for the occasion.

To Who It May Concern:

Captain Taddeus Bellinghouse is hereby commended for outstanding acheivement in Scurvy Prevention, having remained 100% scurvy-free in all crew members over the past 10 years.  The commendment is somewhat tempered due to the loss of a number of sailors to curry however the general quality of Cap'n Bellinghouse's onboard coosine is the best we have had the pleasure to inspect, and his crew are always deliciously plump-lookin' in a healthy nutritional state. 

Cap'n Bellinghouse is further commended on innovations in the use of Sea-Foods and the preparation of all types of Meate, Fish and Fowle to be fit for man.

We remain somewhat concerned that Cap'n Bellinghouse is failing to meet the RDWI (recommended daily weevil intake) set by the MHM however we are willing to overlook said concern due to overall crew health.



Hon. Gord Mand,
Maritime Health Authority