Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[DaveL]

Dear Students Teachers and Assorted Other Vermin,

I have been on leave with my mistress with my family for several months now and the school has never run better without me and there is much work to do. Oi will be seein' to make sure that all matters are promptly swept under the carpet addressed ASAP.

Koind Regards,

Bill 'Now where's me bottle of Capatins Delight' Cullinane

[Bluenose]

Deere Prinserpell Cullinnannee

Oi be moighty glad ter see yer back on board, as it were.

There be a case o' Captain's Delight (strickly fer quality control purposes, o coarse) in the corner behind the pot plant. 

Stillmaster Bluenose

[pieces o nine]

Dear Principal Cullinane,

Oi sees ow it is here now. This be a corrupt hestablished institution wot requires bribery hencouragement and appreciation of the blaggards community pillars at the helm.

Oi'll not be leavin any kegs in odd corners as they moight fall into the wrong hands, iffen ye know wot oi mean. But oi will stand ye a drink or three next toime oi sees ye in the Benbow.

Yours sincerely,
pieces o nine

[Griffin NoName]

Dear PC

Oi be need sum time awf me positshun as 'ead o' faculties. Me brain got busted by a stray canon brawl ball 'an the doc sais oi shuld rest up. Oi'll be lettin' ye know wen Oi get me marbles back an can resume me duties.

Yours once only as ever
Lord Cap'n Earl Lord Treadmill-Mindworthy

[Black Bart]

Dear Lord Cap'n Earl Lord Treadmill-Mindworthy

Can I be avin me cannon ball back...if it be still lodged in yer brain?

Yours Truly

Cap'n Black Bart's gunner (First Rate as qualified from the Pirate Public School)

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n Black Bart's gunner (First Rate as qualified from the Pirate Public School)

Ye can 'av ye ball bakk if'n ye can scrape me faculties off'n it an' sort 'em awt an stuff 'em bakk in me hed fer me so's Oi can get me job bakk.

Overwise Oi be goin' ter haunt ye ! Wotch awt fer a mangled skeleton in yer face !

Lord Cap'n L E T-M etc

[Bluenose]

Dear Lord Cap'n Earl Lord Treadmill-Mindworthy,

We at PPP Distilleries have been working on some new and inovative products.  We would like to offer you a sample bottle of our new hexperimental cannon ball remover and brain re-arranger.  Please let us know ho it goes.

George Sanderson Esq
Manager
Portsmouth Pirate Public School Distilleries
Experimental Products Division

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Sanderson

Oi h'apprecyate yer koindness. Oi 'as fownd me faculties h'under the table.

That be a foine sample. 'As ye got any mooore?

Oi  be sure P.Cullwotsit will be pleezed ter 'av me bakk.

Yours Lord Cap'n L E T-M etc

cc. PCull.

[DaveL]

Dear Lord Treadworthy,

Please report to the sick bay at once. The Naughty Nurse will tend to your whopping great cavity aching head, as soon as she's finished smacking my bum replenishing the first aid kit in my office.

Can you keep the matter confidential for now? The list of lawsuits complaints we get from cannon practice has sparked a few visits from the Portsmouth OH&S Authority and Constabulary.

Would hate your headache to cause any more headaches, if ye know what I mean.

Please take one weeks leave for your inconvenience in a very far away place until this incident dies down.

Kind Regards,

Principal Bill Cullinane

[Griffin NoName]

Dear PBC

Ye be a truly grate 'eadmaster Principle.

The lady with the big Nurse 'as me tukked up in bed. It be bliss. She 'av given me wun of 'em snuggle blankets wot be big enuff ter cover me needs.

Oi wuldn't dreem of menshiuning the matter any furver. That wer if Oi culd remember wot it wer. As Oi can't remember, o' course Oi moight menshiun it by mistake loike. If ye get me drift.

Yours ever
Lord C L E Treadworthy-M. RIB.

[Black Bart]

I loiks the sound o that nurse.  I has had a nasty accident involvin a bus and the main Portsmouth Highway.  Maybe the nurse can polish up me peg leg a bit.

[anthrobabe]

Dear head moron Headmaster,

Oive an issuw wif me markins on me reprot card

Pillagin -- A
Plunderin--A
Givin o dirty looks--A
Swabbin and totin and pot stirrin--A+
Swearin and spittin--A
Advanced Care of Parrots and bilge rats--A+
Sawbones assistant--A note:but most excellent at holding done the victim patients while doc be cuttin and all!
Comportment and manners--C-

What! a C minus! how could oive gotten a C minus ye poopy headed keg swillers dear faculty. I never once this entire year long used me cutlass at meal times for naught other than eatin and oive been most 'specially careful to wear me underknickers since that windy march day last spring, and I no longer spits on tha sidewalks-- I spits in me hand and wipes it on me shirt! Why  Oive a mind to come up to ye offices and shows ye knot buggerin worms yer high n mightys a thing or two about manners!

[pieces o nine]

Dear Principal Cullinane,

Oi'm pleased to announce that the Portsmouth Pirate Public School has paid the bribe passed the rechoirments to sponsor a chapter of Pyrate Scouts International. As ye knows, the Pyrate Scouts ave long been admoired fer press-gangin hencouragin young people ter achieve their potential as heffective crewmembers and unprincipled citizens. Innerested PPPS stewdents may sign up all this week in the office. Uniform requirements: oi patch, fetchin hat, stripy shirt, canvas trousers, sensible shoes, parrot (stuffed OK).

Smartly salutin' ye,
Portsmouth Pyrate Crewe Master, Cap'n Baird Saggingsails

Pyrate Scout History:
Cap'n Robt. Bait'n-Pole horganized the Pyrate Scouts in 1908. An equal-hopportunity program, bof lads an wenchettes can join Pyrate Scout "Crewes" to learn the foine points o' knot tyin, deck swabbin, fish heade stewe preparin, swearin, drinkin, an managin yer cutlass. Once a year there be a meetup in sum exotic port; Pyrate Scouts pay their way by selling Pyrate Scouts Weevil Biscuits ®.

Age ranking for Pyrate Scouts: 4-6 Shrimps; 7-10 Swabbies; 11-17 Cabin Boys; 18 -21 Bos'n Scouts. The highest award a individual Pyrate can achieve is Parrot Scout, wot few achieve due to the long list o'civic-moinded tasks.

Pyrate Scout Laws:
TRUSTWORFY
A Pyrate does not stretch the trufe overmuch unless he be tellin a farfetched tale. Ovver pyrates can depend on him not to steal them bloinde.
LOYAL
A Pyrate is true to his crewe, his cap'n, his ship, an his mates at school.
HELPFUL
A Pyrate is concerned about ovvers. He does their errands willingly as long as there be a sufishent reward.
FRIENDLY
A Pyrate is a friend to all wenches and a bruvver to other Pyrates.
COURTEOUS
A Pyrate is polite to everyone regardless of age or position, exceptin blaggards.
KOIND
A Pyrate does not hurt or kill fings wivout a reason.
OBEDIENT
A Pyrate follows the rules of his crewe, school, and cap'n. If he thinks these rules and laws are unfair, he resolves fings wiv his cutlass an pistols.
CHEERFUL
A Scout looks for the bright side of shiny fings. He cheerfully does tasks wot he loikes.
THRIFTY
A Pyrate works to pay his way and to help others, if no other option be available.
BRAVE
A Pyrate faces danger, even if it be from far away, loike.
CLEAN
A Pyrate keeps his body and mind reasonably fit and clean, but he does not go overboard.
REVERUNT
A Pyrate is reverunt iffen his cap'n puts the fear o' god into him.

Pyrate Scout Motto: Be Prepared t'eat Fish Heade Stewe

Pyrate Scout Slogan: Do a Good Turn Daily, Ye Blaggards

[Black Bart]

Arrrgh...sob...I wish I could ave been in the Pirate Scouts, but now I be too old fer it.

I used ta be in the 'Bilge Rats' boys club when I were a lad.  We used ta meet up hevry friday and go huntin fer Rats what had hescaped from the boats.   I learned how to rub sticks tagether so's we could cook the rats and we would elp people home from The Admiral Benbow...even if they didn't want to go home!  Come to think of it we didn't elp up home...we elped up into the docks minus their wallets.

YYAARRR, those were the days.

[Griffin NoName]

aAAAAAAAARH! Oi be too old too but Oi wer in ther Cabin Weevil's Club. We each 'ad an old cobber ter visit and we 'ad ter hentertain 'em while fillin' theyr biskit tins wiv weevils.