Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[The Black Spot]

Dear Principul Culliane

I got yer latest batch o' Rotgut Special last week.

Three of me regulars have gone blind, two be in a coma, an three others had all their teeth fall out. Everyone agrees it be the best ever.

Can yer Distillery Master get a move on wi' the next batch.

Yours

Lefty Biggs

Manager
Sam's Speakeasy

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Dear principal Cullinane

Since the beginning of this term, we had a number of complaints from our students at the St. Winifred's Public School for Posh Girls about unacceptable behaviour of your students. This behaviour is a threat for the well-being of our lovely girls.

Here is a list of the complaints we have been getting from our students, parents and our teaching staff:

1. Smell (fish and alcohol) coming from your establishment had out school closed for several days, because it caused nausea, head-aches and  unconsciousness.
2. Drunk minors lying in the streets caused a traffic break-down several times and the student's parents couldn't come to pick up their children.
3. Drunk minors molesting girls and teachers, making obscene gestures and using obscene language.
4. A recent explosion at your school had all our windows knocked out and a part of our roof has been blown away.
5. Your students are trying to sell drugs to our students. This drug is called FHS, smells of fish and is very toxic.
6. Several small explosions happened in our school yard several days ago, causing severe injuries.
7. A large amount of thefts has taken place. Our girls have been robbed of their lunch money, teachers of their wages, a large number of jewels have disappeared, all of our horses from the riding school, part of our roof, several windows, one door and much more.
8. A woman has come to our school during break and tried to employ several of the older girls as  professional companions.
9. The number of kidnappings of our students for ransom has increased.

This is only a short list of all the complaints. Of course you see that the situation is very serious and this happenings should seize to occure. Therefore I ask you politely to influence the situation or I will be obliged to inform the authorities.


Yours sincerely

Lady Penelope Fotheringhay Hulme
Principal of St Winifred's Public School for Posh Girls

[Black Bart]

Dear Lady Penelope

Please accept my profound apologies for the recent disturbances.  As I am sure you will understand from your experience as a venerable school Principle like what I am, that there are bound to be teething problems with the opening of a new school.

I sincerely hope that, now we have our new still up and running, things will begin to settle down.  It should certainly be a quiet week commencing the Easter Holidays, as the third and fourth years are going on a field trip to the Dry Tortugas; I'm sure they're all looking forward to their first voyage on an Aaaargh 9000. By the way we still have some vacancies for ship's wench on the trip, perhaps some of your girls may be interested.

As for your school being approached by talent scouts from 'Madame Fifi's', it's great isn't it!

I hope I have allayed most of your concerns dear Lady and I would love to have the honour of inviting you to lunch at my refectory.

Your Obedient Servant (especially after a good thrashing)

Principle Cullinane

[DaveL]

Dear Principul Culliane

I got yer latest batch o' Rotgut Special last week.

Three of me regulars have gone blind, two be in a coma, an three others had all their teeth fall out. Everyone agrees it be the best ever.

Can yer Distillery Master get a move on wi' the next batch.

Yours

Lefty Biggs

Manager
Sam's Speakeasy

Dear Lefty,

Sincere apologies for the last batch. We had some recent problems with still part supplies, which were furnished under our Contract with Bustlin Brian Industries (contract number 'S-U-C-K-E-R-S').

We have since reviewed our still supply contract on the back of a rather large insurance payout out. As we are now in supply of a Stillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional recent quality issues have bin resolved.

The purchase of a new still will ensure Sam's Speakeasy with quality merchandise.

Looking forward to a long and prosperous future together.

Principal Cullinane

[Bluenose]

Deer Prinserpal Cullinane

Oi bin werkin on a new product fer our "more demandin" customers an Oi fink Oi 'ave come up wiv a real winner.  We get sum nice pretty new labels wiv gold leaf an all on em ,slap em on sum poncy lookin bottles and call it "Captain's Delight" and then we fill the bottles wiv the same ole rubbish as the Portsmouth Rotgut Speshull OP, but then - an this be the brilliant bit - we add a splash o' ratte poison to each bottle, for that added little kick these types be lookin fer!  Oi reckon we'll 'ave all then thirsty buccaneers fightin emselves ter get their dirty mitts on this.  One swig an they'll be hooked fer life!

Wot dyer fink?

Cap'n Bluenose
Distillery master

[DaveL]

Dear Stillmaster Bluenose,

Your marketing plan is most ingenious. We'll make Captains Delight the new drink of the summer.

Oi suggests we start an advertising campaign at a major sporting event. With the Formula 1-ARR tallship grand prix coming to Portsmouth, there is ample opportunity for us to flog our new wares.

Can you get your students to undertake a marketing assignment entitled 'How to flog Captains Delight to the unsuspecting public'?

Koind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Black Bart]

YYAARRR I was just deliverin me lunch time freshly prepared batch o Fishe Heade Stewe, when I was comandeered to be a supply teacher fer the arternoon!

Look arter the Hinglish Class they said...today they be learnin hadvanced pronounciation:

Repeat arter me:

The Grog and the Porter
Don't taste loik what it Autah...

[Griffin NoName]

Deer Prinserpal Cullinanry

Oi jest got bak from me werk plaicement wiv Scumsoft. They tyed me up in ther stock cubboard. Oi av towld the stewdants onion abowt this. We be gettin a pertition ter ban Scumsoft werk plaicements.

Yours

Dikc.H
Skool-perfect
Sixf fawm

[Black Bart]

Hexellent work Dick...yer pronunciation be comin along foine...a gold star in the excersise book fer ye me laddy. 

Ye be well on yer way to bein a 'Cabin Boy Second class!'

[Bluenose]

Dear Prinserpell Cullinaine,

Oi took yer advice and put it ter the senior boys ter kum up wiv an edvertisin kampaigne.  Yung Sneaky Pete pointed out that we would make much more munney if we were to run ow own sportin event, since then we get ter keep the proceeds.  Oi 'ave taken the libertie o' placin an advertisermentiment in the Portsmouth Aaaarrrrgggghhhhuuuussss.  Oi rekon we shuld kleen up wiv this new lurk...

Your drunken servent

Distillery Master Bluenose

[Bluenose]

Deer Prinsipal Cullinaine,

As you know, the Stillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional wot we installed revcently has been a big success.  Since we switched produkshun over ter Captain's Delight Oi 'ave 'ad me slaves scurvey swabs students werkin roun' th' clock ter keep up wiv demand.  We now be runnin at full capacity an' Oi fink it wuld be a wise investerment ter perchaise a bigger still to meet future demand.  Oi bin lookin at the katalogs an' Oi reckon the Stillmaster 9000 Mega Super-Still be the wun we shuld get.  Also, Oi rekomend we install a 100,000 litre underground tank ter store the ratte poison which Oi 'ave managed ter get a bulk account fer from the manufacturer Pirsanto.  Wunce we got the tank installed, Pirsanto can deliver using old petrol tankers which shuld enable us ter keep up wiv demand and also get the best price.

Finally, Oi ave asked the artificer on me ship if 'e culd have a look at konstructin a glass werkes in the old disused stables at the back o' th' skool.  "E reckons it culd be up an runnin in about 3 weeks an' Oi 'ave given 'im th' OK.   This shuld cut the cost of our bottles by about two thirds, which will raise our profit margin to about 99.87%.

Oi 'ope these new initiatives be meetin wiv yer approval.  the students be gettin a roight porper groundin in the Pirate Way o' Doin' Business and Oi reckon they'll be out ther pillagin wiv the best o' them wunce they graduate.

Distillery Master Bluenose

[DaveL]

Dear Stillmaster,

We are curently experiencin'a few spatial constraints wif our dungeon still facility.  Oi would ask yer to raise some extra funds, so we can build a whopping great warehouse, capable of holdin yer Stillmaster 9000 Mega Super-Still.

Get the little blaggards, still students out on the town to promote 'Captain's Delight' at every opportunity. I will send Mr Kiyoodle to assist you with the marketing campaign.

To accommodate the new facility, we may 'aves to steal, embezzle, accqusition some land from St Winifred's Ladies School. Oi will be makin' some enquries wif St Winnie's as to how we can pinch obtain their land.

Yours Sincerely,

Principal Cullinane

[Black Bart]

Meanwhile in the Junior Pirate Class, Black Bart is coming to the end of his weekly 'Tales of the High Seas' Story...

...so I used the magic peg leg to turn the cow back into a lovely water nymph. She was so pleased she promised to show me the way to the treasure and guide me and me crew to safety accross the sea of a thousand terrors.  "Hoist the main sail", said I "Set sail for fame and fortune, I'll be in me cabin showin the Water Nymph me collection of rare Saskatchewan animal pelts. The end.

Next week kids: Twill be another tale of daring doings on the briny...Capn Cronan's Holiday!

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Dear principalle Cullinane.

While I wos involved in t'e marketign champagne campain for the skool's favourite product, the Rat Poison Captain's Delight, I got me 'ands had the opportunity to see the accounting for the product.

As a thieving bastard which I am a professional on t'at feeld, I couldn't not notice that there was sumfing wrong with the numbers. It seems t'at t'ere is no money comin' from it.

Of curse, I am willin' to keep silent about it, as long as I find a little envelope (say, 30% of t'e income woold be enuff) on me desk tomorrow mornin' (and you could also pay for a visit at Mme Fifi's, my year's entrance pass has just ran out).

Yours suncerely

Kiyoodle the Liberator Forgetful

[Bluenose]

Dear Principle Cullinane,

Oi were jest walking past th' Distillery Office this mornin' when Oi saw Mr Kiyoodle lookin threw th' official record books fer th' Distillery wot we 'ave prepared for the Inland Revenue.  Oi saw an evil smile appear on 'is face an Oi fink 'e realises we be pullin a fast wun an' may be goin ter trie an' hit us fer s "cut o' the ackshun".  Oi ave taken th' liberti o' preparing a new set o' "private books" (enklosed) wot ye ken show 'im which will convince 'im that we are only makin' 15% on the turnover.  Oi will keep the real books, which as we discussed earlier show we be making 99.98% on turnover, in our sekret hiding place.

Oi 'ave deposited the latest payment of your share o' the profittes in yer agreed numbered account.

Distillery Master Bluenose