Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[DaveL]

Dear principalle Cullinane.

While I wos involved in t'e marketign champagne campain for the skool's favourite product, the Rat Poison Captain's Delight, I got me 'ands had the opportunity to see the accounting for the product.

As a thieving bastard which I am a professional on t'at feeld, I couldn't not notice that there was sumfing wrong with the numbers. It seems t'at t'ere is no money comin' from it.

Of curse, I am willin' to keep silent about it, as long as I find a little envelope (say, 30% of t'e income woold be enuff) on me desk tomorrow mornin' (and you could also pay for a visit at Mme Fifi's, my year's entrance pass has just ran out).

Yours suncerely

Kiyoodle the Liberator Forgetful

Dear Mr Kiyoddle,

You swindlin' blighter Your resourcefulness is indeed an asset to our school. Even if it means liberatin' the school of it's assets. Please find attached one unmarked envelope. 

Madame Fifi will be around in person to validate your ongoing arrangements.

Koind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Black Bart]

Meanwhile in the soundly dozing junior pirates class...Black Bart is still dredgin out his Tales o the High Seas...

¡Ayuda de la ayuda que mi barco se está hundiendo! The hapless Spanish Skipper wrung his hands in dispair, it was the fourth ship he'd lost at sea that year...he hated it when Cap'n Cronan came to Spain on holiday. Cronan stepped off the sinking vessel and headed for the local bar :El rabiar Torro.  Cronan was well known by the locals who referred to him as 'él que bebe como un pescado'...

(to be continued)

[Bluenose]

Dear Principal Cullinane,

Oi bin ahearin that sum o' the facultie bin provided with certain arrangerments at Madam Fifi's.  Now my Gold Pass is about to expire an' it occurred to me that it be only fair that PPPS pay for the next year's subscriptshuns.  Please forward a cheque for the amount o' 250 Dubloons to Madam Fifi's Accounts Department.  Please be quick as Oi 'as an appointment wiv Francine the Flagellator on Tuesday.

Distillery Master Bluenose

[The Black Spot]

To: Principal Culliane
From: Madame Fifi

Hello Big Boy,

Thank you ever so much for the brown envelope. Please find enclosed a copy of my receipt marked "important school equipment - tax deductable". Come down tonight as usual and I'll give you a few passes to distribute among your staff.

Please inform Mr Bluenose that Francine has bought a new cheesegrater and a wire brush specially for Tuesday night.

Yours,

Fifi

[Black Bart]

Meanwhile special guest supply teacher E Razer is standing in as History teacher for class 2 C (the how to use 2 cutlasses at once class)...

Chow bambinos...anyway, I will be tellin you about the terrible matyrdom of the Grated Nuns of Dresden...

The year was 1465 and impossible numbers of dead swans arrived in the city of Dresden...comin in at a angle of 4.2 degrees with a speed of 93 kilometres...

[DaveL]

Dear Mr Eraser,

Thankyou for considering a position with us in our English teaching department. Your application is now being considered, as soon as we can decipher what the hell you were talking about.

However your current abilities are unlikely to comply with our curriculam.

The position for cryptic speech teacher is still open. There are many scenarios where our young pirates will require the use of obscure speech eg being captured by the Royal Navy.

We hope you will reconsider your application as there is no way you will be considered for real English teaching.

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cullinane

Me frend E.Raser wer applyin fer History, not Englich. Ye can tell that from is first greate lessun wer e sais Great Nuns o Dresden, fer as ye no Good Gramma wuld dictayte Great Nones o Dresden.

It be owt o caracter fer ye te be so rude. An Oi be serprised at yer.

Oi belief e culd old down Crytpic Speak an Vecter Analysis.

Oi beg ye ter aperelgise to im.

Yours sharply

Ther Comrade in Cheef
TPP  (Teecher Protection Racket)

[DaveL]

To: Madame Fifi

From: Principal Cullinane

Dear Schmoopsy Poo,

Can I be your Daddy later? The dogs collar and blindfold were great last time. Woof Woof!!

Can I make the followin' suggestions?

1) Oi suggest we not use my office in future, as I was in the middle of writing the mid-term reports. The ink got a bit smudged from the flurry of activity;

2) Can yer not drop by during teaching hours?  Little Polly Granger keeps askin why the 'cleanin lady' is carryin' a riding crop and wearing spurs.

3) Can yer please wait until Oi've finished me staff meetings before yer enter the room. The staff members got awfully concerned yewd catch a cold in that French maids outfit.

Other than than, carry on wif yer duties! O'ill see yer soon schnookums!

Koind Regards,

Principal 'Woof Woof, Yes Mistress' Cullinane

[Black Bart]

and today children we have special guest history teacher Taichi...

Taichi: OK children, now pay attention, I am here to answer your questions on the real history of piracy. I have expert knowledge of piracy from the Barbary coast to <SPLAT>

a large tomato hits Taichi square on the nose...

Taichi (wiping tomato from his chops): Who threw that...you will not learn anything with behaviour like that...now then, where was I, Oh yes, the Barbary pirates favoured galleys and originally operated out of Tunis, Tripoli, Algiers and <Thud - OUCH!>

a wooden scale model of a canon ball hits Taichi square ...on the forehead...

Taichi: Disgraceful, what sort of school is this...don't you know anything about discipline, er...where did you get that Cat O Nine Tails Hawkins...Belcher, put that brace o pistols down at once...Fletcher drop that cutlass at once the Barbary pirates never used the cutlass as a ... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!!!!

[Griffin NoName]

Cullinane

Me child tells me the teethcers are attakkin the poopils at yer skool. Oi will be sendin me child elsewear next term.

Disgruntled Parent

[DaveL]

Dear Parent,

We are indeed most fortunate to haves TaiChi in our midst. He is a 'doyen of knowledge', 'an oracle of piracy' and 'a lexicon of arghhh'.

Unfortunately a few of the children got confused with the terms 'orifice' and 'oracle'.

Mr TaiChi will return to class followin' the removal of a few objects, includin' a full bottle of Captain's Delight.

Koind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Black Bart]

Meanwhile, in the secluded and peacefull but smoke filled atmosphere of the Portsmouth Pirate Public School's Staff Room, the teachers discuss their days work:

YYYAAARRRRRR Ye Blaggard gimme that bottle o capn's delight or I'll ave yer gizzards...

Take that yer swab, tis my turn with the whirlpool footbath!

Ave at ye yer landlubber, call yerself a teacher, I'll give ye a lesson ye'll never forget!

GGGGAARRR, I'll release the garrot when ye give me back me jar o Nescafe!

<Two Pistol balls smash into the ceiling>

Which one o ye Scurvy Swabs stole me Guardian?

(...and so on and so forth).

[Griffin NoName]

Cullinane

Ferver ter yer letter o terday inst. Oi av hinspected me child's oracle an Oi am nun too appy. Oi insists ye take apropriayete acschiun immediayteley els Oi be reportin PPPS ter ther skool inspecters oo will no dowt inspect all yer oracles.

Yours
Disgruntled Parent

[DaveL]

Dear Mr Smarty Pants, TaiChi,

We are happy to see that you are still breathing, feeling much better following your mauling at the hands of our students, following your occupational mishap. I hope your butt is better
injuries have healed and the Captain's Delight was removed, you have undergone a full recovery.

We trust that you will not sue us, understand the lively nature of our feisty little buggers students. For they mean great, no harm.

We look forward to further incidents for our amusement, having you back in the class real soon, for more punishment.

Yours I'm still laughing

Principal Cullinane
They put the bottle where?

[Black Bart]

Good Mornin Children, AAARRRR and today's guest history teacher is none other than...Calico Jack.
Calico Jack will be taken ye through the fascinatin history of...'Pirate Wigs through the ages!'