Toadfish Monastery

Turrible - Orful - Load a' B.....

Ther be a maijor plot fawlt. The Cap'n h'asks wot use be ther Dikkens crew in a foight? That nivver be h'ansered; 'e jest gows on 'bout 'ow they be good crew. Ther be no foight.

Dissapointin lakk o' foights.

Do not buy this.

Soiled revieew copee fer sayle; 20 Cronin. Buyer collects.

Ha harrrgh...Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

He he he heeeeaaarrgh, cough, cough, cough...an all that...

soon I shall unleash the full an awesome power of Ye Necroplankecon on an unsuspektin world...Bwa ha ha ha!

(bound in genuine Pleather an hencrusted wiv crusty bits...only 5000 Cronan per copy)

Arrrrrrrrrgh seein as ye don't appreciate the finer touches o me Long Winded Tales I has decided to make it easier for your enjoyment....

Longwindotechnicolourama brings ye...

The Bra Full of Treasure:



To b continued...(if me photoshop don't blow up with overuse o cuttin an pastin!).

Stuff cartoons. Never did like Rupert Bear.

Anwun 'erd tha rumoor goin' around 'ow as BB nivver lernt to reed nor rite ?  Oi rekkins we got prooff now !

The Monster wiv Two Heads.

Arrrgh I once again I found meself an crew a visitin Mexico arter a short visit ta see me mumsy. Suddenly out o de mist wot clung ta thee shore happeared a terrible beast:



Quick I said ta de First Mate get thee Shippe's carpenter ta carve an himage o thee beast on a piece o drift wood...dey'll nivver believe us when we tells em about thee terrible Two Headed Aztec Serpent.

Quick as PON puttin her bill on DTH's tab, the carpenter carved a picture o thee beast shortly afore it eat him...

It wuz orrible, one head bit his lower half orf and thee other head bit his upper half orf. Tis a terrible shame he wuz a skilled member o me crew...but on de uvver hand der be more Aztec treasure fer de rest of us.

We ran to the safety o thee Big Brenda wot were anchored at the mouth o the bay, but it didn't look loik we could make it. The beast slithered nearer an nearer eatin crew member arter crew, first one head would chomp amd den de uvver!

Suddenly I had a stroke o hinsperashun...quick I said to de remainin crew, 'Give thee monster all the food ye be carryin an dat barrel o Fish Head Stew wot we've been savin fer a rainy day.'

We piled up the grub an the Two Headed beast munched it all up...

Suddenly der was a orrible grumblin an rumblin sound...den...with an Enormous Farting sound the beast hexploded in a Supernova of shite!

"Wot appened Cap'n?' gasped the First Mate incredulously, holdin his nose from the terrible stench...

"Simple matey,' said I 'The monster had two heads but no arse...it had eaten so much it exploded wiv all the gass in it's vast tummy"

I fink dat species o monster must be hextiinct now thank goodness...a sort o hevolushionary two headed dead end...but it made a noice design ta tart up me cabin walls.

You know what Bartie?   Oi jest don't believe ye. Oi bet me mother's petticote, that beast nivver lived but jest be an addled h'inventiun 'o yer h'addled an' h'empty skull.

How did ye knows I has a talkin Skull?

But that b anuvver tale...

Oi culd sware that be Cronan's skull !

Arrrrrgh...The Skull of Cronan!

Have I done that one yet?

Me memory be playin tricks on me of late...

Hey! Gang! Should we tell 'im if'n 'e 'av dun the Skull 'o Cronan?

Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no !!

Aaaarrrrgh I had a terrible dream in me cabin last noight...

I fell over board an I was bein chased by a Giant Pac Man Shark!

Though only way to hescape was to eat loads o fruit n bananas....uuuurrrrgh!

Aaaaar!  That be terribul long in the wind

YArrrrr...

Are ye sure that wasn't just Big Ron after a night on the vindaloos?

An den i waked up in da mournin an i have sumfing yummy fer me tummy so me pooh not B tinky .
Den i koman me croo ta do do stuff
an den i wint pillygin
an i gots lotsa pillows
Et wuz a good day .

Arr Oiv decided ta take pity on ye swabs...an arter a long drought ye must be achin fer a new Long Winded Tale...every word be true, mark my words, or may me peg leg snap hunexpekedlee and make me fall into a pile o Nef Yoo's Diapers.

The Black Beast

'Arrrr Ochhh aye the noo Cap'n', cried our lookout wee Jock McTweedle, 'We can nae go ashore ta get thee treasure!'

I asked him why the devil not and Jock said:

'Thar's a terrrrrible beast on that island, I've seen it through thee spy glass Cap'n...Tis The Black Beast...If we go ashore we'll all be DOOOOOOMED, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!'

Knowing what Jock had been drinking I scoffed, grabbed the spyglass from him and focused in on the island where the Treasure lay buried. Sure enough there was the beast, it had the head of a cat, and the body of...a cat!

What was scary though was the beast's size...it was standing next to some coconut palms and some mud huts and by comparison it was clearly the size of a horse!

The crew were terrified of the beast but according to the map we'd brutally wrestled from some Spanish children the treasure was more than 250,000 Cronans!

I decided to lead by example, I sent a boat load of heavily armed men over to get the treasure whilst Jock and I watched from the ship. Soon the men began signaling us from the shore:

Approaching Beast from the South West...stop

Aaaaaaaaaaaagh...stop

Fell over a skeleton pointing way to treasure...stop

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh...stop

Money spider fell on First Mates head...stop

Tell the cabin boy I love him...stop

Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh...stop

Blimey, have captured beast and found treasure. On our way back...stop

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh, blast it...stop

Got socks wet gettin in boat...stop

The crew returned laden with treasure, we were RICH, RICH beyond our wildest dreams!

And the beast? The crew turned him out of a sack, he was a cute little black moggy kitten...it turned out one of the islanders had built a model village complete with tiny palm trees and he'd been standing next to it when Jock spied him.

How we laughed merrily as we shared out the treasure...The Black Beast...Jock went red in the face...well he was already red in the face actually.

Two days later the ship was eaten by a Giant Penguin!