Long Winded Stories of the Ocean

[Griffin NoName]

Aaaaargh! That be a good morral tale ter tell me chilrun at bedtimes. Oi 'opes they baptised the kitty before the ship got eaten.

[Black Bart]

Arrrgh, I didn't know I had any Morrals...if I did I'd be drinkin it!

Anyway I be glad ta say the little Black Moggy hescaped an he be aloive an well in Scotland:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/8172064.stm

[Griffin NoName]

Aaargh! That cat looks like 'e knows wot 'es doin' but wot wer all that hevvy breething abowt then?

[Black Bart]

Aaargh! That cat looks like 'e knows wot 'es doin' but wot wer all that hevvy breething abowt then?

he were a Scotsman wot was filmin it...they be always 'heavy breathin'...aint ye ever watched Braveheart?

[Griffin NoName]

No

[Black Bart]

No

ye needs ta get out more!

Actually I've never watched it either come to think of it!

[Griffin NoName]

Aaaarrrr! Ye tripped yerself up there matey!

[Black Bart]

Pride and Predjewdice and Halloween at thee Benbow.

Chapter One: it was a Dark and Stormy Night

Arrr it was a dark an stormy night when thee front door o thee Benbow Suddenly swung open wiv a crash!

Standin in thee doorway was a terrifyin sight...more terrible than Cap'n Cronan in a bad mood.  A woman!

She was smartly dressed in a Regency style and surveying the bar with a glittering eye said:

'Is there anyone here called Darcy? 

A young man dressed unconvincingly as a Pirate with a Rubber parrot stuck to his shoulder suddenly shot up out of his chair, spilling grog everywhere, and ran out the back entrance.

The rest of the Pirates looked at each other in bemusement and then looked at the young woman...Cap'n Blackleg spoke first:

"Arrgh...there be nobody called D'Arcy round these parts Miss...Frenchman is he?"

The woman burst into tears..."will no one marry me...I've been chasing Darcy for months...am I not fetching to the eye...do I not dance the Quadrille with grace and sophistication?"

Cap'n Slagface put his arm around the woman's shoulder's saying:

"Arrgh...poor thing come in and have a sip o grog and some vittles...be ye a young lady of means?"  This said with a wink towards the other pirates...

Soon Elizabeth Bennett was seated next the roaring log fire with a steaming bowl of Fish Head Stew and a Tankard o rum.   She felt much better especially when Cap'n Slicer offered to seek out Darcy for a modest sum of 500 dubloons...

"Arrrr I'll chase the blaggard from Portsmouth to Jamaica...I'll not see a fine young lady scorned!"

Elizabeth gazed at the impressive collection of Pirates around her, her bosom heaving from the effects of the stew, and said:

"I have several sisters you know...all of them at present unattached"

Cap'n Slagface turned to Cap'n Blackleg and said:

"This is the same dream we're having as the last toim we drank fourteen kegs o rum aint it?"

End of Chapter One.

[Griffin NoName]

Pride and Predjewdice and Halloween at thee Benbow.

Chapter One: it was a Dark and Stormy Night

This be a cock-eyed rehash of a major novel which leaves much to be desired; mainly Elizabeth Bennett. Readers will note the attempt to cast it in a roughshod manner by a multiple use of mispellings, dropped haithches and so on. Notice also the unlikely name of the author. It is suspected that the true writer wishes to hide their identity which implies a need to distance themselves from the material. The references to money and alcohol appear gratuitous and ill-founded and are far from satisactory pastiche on the original. We cannot reccomend this book.

Cap'n Wordworth-Treadmill.

[Black Bart]

Back due to Critical Acclaim:

Pride and Predjewdice and Halloween at thee Benbow.

Chapter Two: Pianoforte and Pewter

Scene: The Admiral Benbow. Miss Bennett sits at the pianoforte and is entertaining the Pirates...

Oh Did you not hear My Lady
Go down the garden singing
Fa la la la la la
Faldaralay in the morning

Her dress was pink
Her mood was gay
With a Folderaydol
In the morning

Twas merrye May
When out she came
Like a dove from above
With a double barrel name

Singing hey nonny no in the morning

She's fit for a Duke
In her satin and chintzes
prepare to be dazzled
by the way that she minces

Oh fa la la la
folderay doodle
Singing hey nonny no in the morning...

two hours later...

Cap'n Slagface is restraining Cap'n Blackleg...'She's got ta go I tells ye...that pianyforty belongs in hell'

Cap'n Slagface in a whisper: Ave a care matey...thar be dubloons in this business if we plays our cards right...all we gotta do is find Darcy.

Cap'n Blackleg: Just let me smash thee piany a bit...

A ripple of polite applause breaks out as Miss Bennet finishes her recital...

Miss Bennett: thank you kind sirs and now I feel I must politely beg your leave to retire for the night...could someone kindly show me to my rooms?

*sounds of rats being hastily killed from above and an old pirate being thrown out into the street*

Cap'n Slicer: Arrrgh ye...er...rooms be ready me lady...500 Dubloons a night hincludin breakfast...kippers...unless we aven't got any kippers in which case ye'll ave kipper substitute.

Miss Bennett: Why thank you...my word it's past 9 of the clock! I must to bed without further discourse...that wholesome stew has made me quite weary. I shall dream of Darcy, pianoforte and one eyed men...

End of Chapter Two

[Griffin NoName]

Pride and Predjewdice and Halloween at thee Benbow.

Chapter Two: Pianoforte and Pewter

Amazingly the author has seen fit to publish a second chapter. One would have hoped for some improvement on the first. Poor Ms. Bennett seems to have no idea what awaits her which is susprising. All we can do is pray there is no third chapter.

[Black Bart]

Pride and Predjewdice and Halloween at thee Benbow.

Chapter Two: Pianoforte and Pewter

Amazingly the author has seen fit to publish a second chapter. One would have hoped for some improvement on the first. Poor Ms. Bennett seems to have no idea what awaits her which is susprising. All we can do is pray there is no third chapter.

[Opsa]

Hut-ho, I don't know whot ter make o' that larf!

_{And I smells jello.}

[Black Bart]

I've got a new poem fer ye...but as it's Haloween comin I'll let ye enjoy yerself fer a while longer afore I posts it.

[Griffin NoName]

<groan>