The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Black Bart]

Baaaargh...I wouldn't believe nuffin ye reads in the Grauniad or the Hobbserver...they probably got that stew bit orf me Dwyle Flonkin website!  Just loik the piece about Richard III's Dwyle Flonkin fetish wot they printed in the Hobserver!

[Griffin NoName]

Bar Staff at Admiral Benbow Court Disaster

Following weeks of scuffles and over-crowding outside the Admiral Benbow Public House, all involving Portsmouth citizen Black Bart, magistrates have finally ordered bar staff to ban Bart from the premises, despite their protests that this will have an enormously detremental effect on their weekly takings.

The magistrates have also confiscated Bart's bicycle, subject to Bart producing a Cycling Proficiency Certificate. They stated in court that Bart's attempts to mount his cycle, outside the Benbow following several hours inside each evening, were drawing large crowds and bringing the Town into disrepute. They also stated that performance licences for several theatrical and musical organisations will not be granted in an attempt to supress the sub-culture that has been growing around Bart's problems, notably the Bart Foot in The Spoke Manouvre, the Bart Cross-Bar Puzzle and the Bart Reverse Saddle Wobble.

[Black Bart]

Portsmouth Aaaarggghhhus Small Ads

Missin Bikikle Klips Pleess Elp



Reward offered fer the return o these valuable items.  Nuffin else stops the stolen rum fallin out o me trousers!

[Aggie]

Intarrrgesting sityooatun, considerin' Bart nevver transports stolen rum in aught but 'is gullet.

[Bluenose]

SURPRISE RESULT IN PORTSMOUTH ELECTION!

The Portsmouth Electoral Office announced a surprise result today in the Portsmouth 08 election.  Captain Bluenose was declared the winner with 95% of the vote.  Newly elected Mayor Bluenose was greeted by huge crowds of cheering pirates and drunkards as he made a stirring speech in the town square, shortly after his inauguration.  Mayor Bluenose promised reform to the liquor licensing laws in Portsmouth, outlawing the closing of any pub at any time, and mandating a happy "hour" during the second dog watch every day, as well as during the first, middle, forenoon, afternoon and first dog watches.  During happy "hour" Mayor Bluenose declared that publicans will be required to serve grog in 50% larger glasses than normal and offer free Brasso chasers to drinkers of Captain's Delight (^TM PPPS Distillers Inc.) while increasing prices by no more that a factor of three.  This was met with enormous cheers from the surrounding throng - proving that pirates and drunkards are not very bright.

After his speech, mayor Bluenose retired to the Portsmouth Pirate Public School Distillery for some hard earned rest.

[pieces o nine]

EXCLUSIVE INAUGURAL PHOTO!



Mayor-elect Bluenose shown above in his official mayoral robes, greeting the  mobs ruffians  crowds shortly before taking the "Oath ov Orifice"

[anthrobabe]

SURPRISE RESULT IN PORTSMOUTH ELECTION!

The Portsmouth Electoral Office announced a surprise result today in the Portsmouth 08 election.  Captain Bluenose was declared the winner with 95% of the vote.  Newly elected Mayor Bluenose was greeted by huge crowds of cheering pirates and drunkards as he made a stirring speech in the town square, shortly after his inauguration.  Mayor Bluenose promised reform to the liquor licensing laws in Portsmouth, outlawing the closing of any pub at any time, and mandating a happy "hour" during the second dog watch every day, as well as during the first, middle, forenoon, afternoon and first dog watches.  During happy "hour" Mayor Bluenose declared that publicans will be required to serve grog in 50% larger glasses than normal and offer free Brasso chasers to drinkers of Captain's Delight (^TM PPPS Distillers Inc.) while increasing prices by no more that a factor of three.  This was met with enormous cheers from the surrounding throng - proving that pirates and drunkards are not very bright.

After his speech, mayor Bluenose retired to the Portsmouth Pirate Public School Distillery for some hard earned rest.

And then Pam woke up as bobby turned the shower off. ye dreamin again ye bugger. 'sides we haint got no rensomed note yet!

[pieces o nine]

CANDLES SET PORTSMOUTH ABLAZE



Black Bart celebrates a half century of pillagin, jyint hat wearin, fish head stoo brewin, and writin of execrable weevil puns!

[anthrobabe]

CANDLES SET PORTSMOUTH ABLAZE



Black Bart celebrates a half century of pillagin, jyint hat wearin, fish head stoo brewin, and writin of execrable weevil puns!

The blaze still be a burnin as we speks---

[Black Bart]

PlayBilge and Hello Sailor magazine fight over rights to publish BB's Birthday Party photos.

Black Bart denied having been an idiot for 50 years...there was one year when he went to the Portsmouth School of Scrimshaw and Whittling when he behaved fairly sensibly with the hexcepshun of the lunch hours.  He blames Dave L and The Black Spot for leadin him astray by hintroducin him to the nightly delights of Madame Fifi's and the daily delights of The Admiral Benbow.

[Black Bart]

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Editor

I'd like to book all your photo pages for the next hundred years.

Yours

A Very Wealthy Person

[anthrobabe]

Do ye take cheques?
They be good uns
I gots 'em out o Griffins post box this mornin
Course ye'd need to cash em rather quickly.

[Griffin NoName]

Do NOT, Oi repeet NOT, give 'im munney.

'E will jest spend it on drink drugs wimmin sheep, the dogs moor foto h'opportunitees.

[Black Bart]

Arrrrrgh...GIVE ME MUNNEEEE!