Vote 08: The Portsmouth Council Elections

[pieces o nine]

Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus

Letters to Editor

Editer:

This morning I found a bakskit o'chocolut heggs outside me cabin door. Upon hopenin one of thee heggs, oi found a pollytickal message hendorsin one ov thee mayoral candidates. (Oi don' loike ter sais who, until oi knows wot oi be dealin' wiv.)

Lookin aroun' roight sharp (or as sharp as me bleary good oi can manage after a noight ov drinkin Captain's Delight an' Brasso chasers) oi noticed wot oi fink were Pyrate Scouts scurryin away wiv similar bakskits swinging from their trainin' hooks.

Me consern is wether the chocolate heggs be safe ter consoome, after thee recent tragick hevents wiv the RATS bake sale. Also, oi dint know that thee Pyrate Scouts ave been subverted, loike, hinto political pawns, rather than studyin respecktable piratin skillz.

Oi'm countin on thee crack reporters ov thee Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus to cover this storie and present thee facks for all ter see.

Fankin' ye in hadvance-
Cap'n Pieces o Nine

[pieces o nine]

Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus

Letters to Editor

Dear Editor:

I be 8 years old.
Some of me littel friends say there be no Heaster Parrot.
Papa sais, "If you see hit in the Aaaaaaargus it be so."
Please tell me thee truf; be there a Heaster Parrot?

VIirginia O'Hanlon
(gran daughter o' thee Rt. Rev. Monsignor "Cannon" O'Hanlon)
115 West Ninety-Fifth Street
Portsmouth

[Black Bart]

Vote fer the CRABS party...

and we'll make sure there be an Easter Parrot...

even if we has ta stuff it an stick it on yer perch wiv superglue!

The CRABS party

SLOGAN: You can believe our promises but ye wont loik em.

[Aphos]

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

People Section

After a hard day's work o' hiding Heaster Eggses, the Heaster Parrot was seen cruisin' the pubs o' Portsmouth last night.  On 'is arm was the voluptuous Miss Pirgilla.  After tasting the grog at several hestablishments, the couple ended up at the Admiral Benbow, where they were seen snoggin' in a dark corner.

It is reported, though, that the Parrot was carried 'ome by 'is buds after consuming too much Cap'n's Delight.

[Black Bart]

PIRGELLAAAAARRRRGH!

Ye be a roight slag!

[DaveL]

Dear Candidates (or is that Candied Dates?),

The following harrangements have been made for ye to address the Portsmouth Public. Please submit your policy speeches. I will convene the event.

1. Venue - The Scurvy Rex Stadium, Portsmouth;

2. Date/Time 14 April, 1708, commencing at 2pm.

3. Topic - 'Why you should helect me as the Mayor of Portsmouth'

4. Time Limit - 15 minutes, subject to a small donation of course, then 30 minutes

5. Expert Panel:

- Mr Ronald McGregor (Big Ron) - Portsmouth Chamber of Commerce;
- Madame Fifi (no surname supplied) - Portsmouth Chamber of Pleasure;
- Mr Scuppers McGee - Portsmouth Dockside Workers Association (aka The Dockside Thugs);
- Mr Black Spot - The Piratica Football Club (thugs on and off the field);

We will see you all at the Scurvy Rex, where you will address a packed stadium of feisty cut throats, concerned townsfolk and in some cases, a bit of both.


Koind Regards,

Mr Cecil McBunty
Portsmouth Electoral Commission

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Mr Cecil

Oi hobjects ter the inclusiun of Mr Black Spot on ther panel. E be no expert on nuffin'.

Yours

Borat Johnson

[Black Bart]

An extract from Janet 'Back Alley' Portside's interview with mayoral candidate Borat Johnson:

Janet: Well Borat, what do you think of the Biography that's just come out entitled 'Shhhhhhh, don't tell my wife.'

Borat: I don't think the voting public give a monkey about that sort of thing.  All the voting public are concerned about is that whoever wins the election for Mayor will put all their energies into the job.

Janet: Yes but it looks like you'll be putting 'ALL' your energy into bonking someone at Madame Fifi's.

Borat: The man on the street doesn't give a monkey about that sort of thing.

Janet:  Mayor Liversausage has been kidnapped and held to ransom several times, are you concerned for your personal safety if elected?

Borat I intend to employ 'The Dark Avenger' as my personal body guard...I will be tough on Pirates and tough on the causes of Piracy.

Janet You've never actually been to Portsmouth have you?

Borat Where?

[Aphos]

[Black Bart]

I just said 'NO' to me ship's cat...

He looked at me sideways and went 'Meeeeeooooowww'.

[anthrobabe]

Portsmouth Arrrrghus-- Special Afternoon Addition

This just in!
Breaking news!
Ye Bilge Rats Best Be Payin Attention!
THIS MEANS YOU!

It has come to the attention of ye intrepid reporter that Miss Saucy Gert Pettigrew, Head Ale Wench at the Admiral Benbow has come forward with a large packet of information concerning one or more of our esteemed candidates for mayor. Miss Pettigrew would like all to know that she will be holding a public 'unveiling' -her word- of the packets contents at 5 o'clock prompt in front of the Benbow today.

She stated,"Oi jus be finkin bout tha public interestin an all, being a good and proper member o this community me finks it be my solem and sacred duty to bring ta lite some o the doins o thse so called chandidates."

Miss pettigrew then batted her eyes at your intrepid reporter and asked him whot secrets 'e mite be hidin and would like everyone to know that until the 'unveiling' she can be found dock-side, in plain public view, with several hired body guards, and wearing BB industries superiour fit body armour- should anyone feel it necessary to visit with her to attempt to find out what is in said packet, the large case at her feet will be empty sould anyone feel it necessary to bring along a few tokens of affection for the great job she is doing in getting this word out.

Who is named in Saucy Gerts information?
Are there photos?
Do you think the large case is for bribes?
Is the mayorial election in danger?

Updates as we get them!

[Bluenose]

SOPP Deny Any "Doings"

Sell Out Portsmouth Party Mayoral candidate Norbett "Smarmey" Shinybum said today in an exclusive interview that the SOPP was innocent of all allegations of alleged "doings".  "Saucy Gert's got nuffin on us.  No one saw us, she can't prove ennyfin.  We dun all our business in s strickly conferdenshul manner an no wun knows nuffin.  In partickyular we didunt bribe nowun - not evun th' rat catcher an' we didunt pay fer all the stray cats ter be rounded up and strangled, an we didunt supply all the drunken sots down by the quayside wiv a free case o' Cap'n's Delite fer promisin ter vote fer us.  Well, we did do that, but no wun saw us do it."

[Black Bart]

The candidates up the Anti in the Big Election:

Ken Liversausage claims to have more children by more wives than Borat Johnson.

Borat Johnson claims to have more ears than Ken Liversausage...but it's impossible to tell with all that hair.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Yarr ! Soze who be winnin' wot ? Who do Oi bribe to fix dish ear lecshun ?

[anthrobabe]

Yarr ! Soze who be winnin' wot ? Who do Oi bribe to fix dish ear lecshun ?

ME!