Vote 08: The Portsmouth Council Elections

[Black Bart]

I can't remember what party I be representin...I blames the grog wot came my way from the RATS party last noight! 

Well I can't tell the difference tween a nice fat rat an half o the oomans wot drink in the Admiral Benbow...infact the Rats be less hairy!

[Aphos]

Portsmouth Pirate News Special Report

Health Alert
Quantities of poisoned flour have been found on store shelves in Portsmouth.  The poison is reported to cause one to lick themselves and cough up hairballs.  Doctors say a shot of rum will counter the effects of the poison.  Few cases have been reported.

In Other News
Candidate for mayor Tiddles was admitted to a local hospital last night.  Confidential sources say the cat was suffering from an overdose of chocolate.  The unconscious cat was found near a pile of hairballs and was rushed to the emergency room.

[Griffin NoName]

Portsmouth Aaaaaargus

Chocolate Cake Scandal

Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of Cap'n Phil and Lil after the following bake sale was brought to their attention by an anonymous caller. The charge is expected to be providing fouled produce to the public after ignoring a product recall.

Anyone continuing to display posters in their windows such as these below may also face charges.

The Aaaaaaaaaaargus has been asked by police to alert the public to these dangerous criminals.

[pieces o nine]

Portsmouth Aaaaaargus

REWARD OFFERED!
Mayoral Candidate Captain Tiddles is shown below recovering at an undisclosed location after being rushed to hospital following alleged poisoning following his civic patronage of a local charity bake sale.

An anonymous spokeweenie for the Portsmouth constabulary confirmed rumors that warrants have been issued for the arrest of another mayoral candidate, Captain Phil and his accomplice Lil, to further investigate claims in this matter. A reward of 1,000 Cronans has been set aside for information leading to the arrest and execution of all the guilty parties in this terrible affair.

Captain Tiddles lost almost 2 pounds but is reported to be in stable condition after emergency room technicians pumped his stomach of "astonishing quantities" of rum, fish heade stewe and tainted chocolate late last night. Medical personnel hope for the best, as their continuing practice in Portsmouth hinges upon his full and speedy recovery.

In a statement released to the press, CaptainTiddles reminded voters that "These sorts o' shenanigans, compromisin the 'ealth an saftey o' Portsmoufs citizenry, will not be tolerated under a Tiddles Mayorship! Vote Tiddles an save yer misrabull loives, ye scurvy hungrateful landlubbers."

Captain Tiddles also added a hearty "thankee" to all who sent notes of encouragement and support.

[Aphos]

Portsmouth Pirate News Special Report

Headline News...
FLOURGATE

A whistle blower (also known as a bosun) in the SCABS campaign headquarters has come forward to authorities admitting that SCABS were responsible for last night's poisoned chocolate cake.  Members of the SCABS inner circle are reported to have placed the poison in barrels of flour all around town.

Cap'n Phil and Lil turned themselves in to the constables late last night.  Because of this new information, all charges have been dropped by the authorities and Cap'n Phil and Lil are cooperating with the investigation.

Tiddles Recovering

Candidate for Mayor Tiddles is reported to be recovering after coughing up an enormous hairball.  Tiddles is quoted as saying, "The best damned chocolate cake I ever had."

[Griffin NoName]

Portsmouth Aaaaaargus Special Report

Broken News...
Who Are P&L Holdings ?  The Poisoned Flour Mystery Deepens

The Whistling Bosun, as he has come to be known (tautologically), from the SCABS campaign team, has been revealed as a plant. He claims he was paid 5,0000 Cronan by a company called P&L Holdings to infiltrate the SCABS and bring in a distribution firm to substitute barrels at supermarkets. He claims he did not know what was in the barrels.

The police have traced P&L Holdings to a rat hole but a strike at the Police Diggers Association is holding up excavations necessary to get through the entrance which has been filled with concrete in what looks to be a rather hurried and slapdash fashion.

[Aphos]

Portsmouth Pirate News 
All the News that's Unfit to Print

Investigative Report


Breaking News
PPN reporters have traced ownership of P&L Holdings to a Miss Petunia Cat, great aunt of mayor candidate Tiddles.  However, our sources have also discovered that Miss Petunia also works as a ratter for current Mayor of Portsmouth, Lionel S. Farnswallow.

When confronted with the connection, the Right Honorable Farnswallow replied, "Well, looks like politics as usual.  At least no one has died yet.  Just a bunch of hairballs.  Not like four years ago.  All that's best forgotten, you know."

Another link to the current mayor has also been uncovered.  PPN has identified the Whistling Bosun as Cornelius Farnswallow, the current mayor's nephew.

[Griffin NoName]

Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus 

Broken News
Miss Petunia Cat is to sue the Portsmouth Pirate News over false allegations by their investigative journalists. The truth about P&L Holdings, at the centre of Whistling Bosun scandal, is still unclear, although some involvement of the Farnswallow family, as reported by the PPN, seems likely.

Editorial
~~~~~
The dreadful affairs relating to the election of a new Mayor for Portsmouth has now spilled over into the media. We must all search our consciences in these difficult times where tough editorial decisions over content are vital. If we are to avoid a complete breakdown of services in Portsmouth, we must all take our responsibilities seriously. Of course, the Police Diggers Association strike, coming at this time of strife is at the least unfortunate. Some may say the timing can not be coincidental. Public bodies all have a duty to the public and we can only do our best to continue to report honestly and transparently.

[Aphos]

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

Our continuing investigation of Flourgate has revealed that Miss Petunia's name and signature are on the letters of incorporation of P&L Holdings.  However, constabulary handwriting experts believe her paw print may have been forged.  Miss Petunia is still considered a person of interest, but is not a suspect at this time.

When questioned by this reporter about his involvement, the Right Honorable (cough cough) Farnswallow stated, "No Comment."

In regards to Miss Petunia's civil suit against this paper, PPN shysters lawyers hold that the paper is not responsible under the Absence of Malice Clause.

Political Advertisement
I am Miss Lil, and I wish to say a few words to the electorate.  These are trying times, and a nefarious person or persons unknown are attempting to derail this campaign.

Well, let me say this...People have a right to free chocolate cake!



Oh, and Just Say No To Cats!

[pieces o nine]

Portsmouth Aaaaaaargus


Liversausage Speaks!

Mayor Keith Liversausage held a press conference today to launch an official inquiry into the recent, tragic events swirling about the Portsmouth mayoral elections which some pundits have dubbed "Flourgate."

His Honor also bitterly denounced the "low standards of tabloid journalism so prevalent at the Portsmouth Pirate News" which has repeatedly referred to "current Mayor of Portsmouth, Lionel S. Farnswallow." Worse, the mysterious Farnswallow family seems to be embroiled up to their back teeth in implications surrounding the attempted murder of Candidate Tiddles and anyone else sampling the tainted cake at a recent RATS fundraiser.

"I just want to reassure the good citizens of Portsmouth that I am, in fact the mayor! That I have been  the mayor! And that I intend to go on being  the mayor!" Liversausage declaimed to the assembled crowd. "Moreover, this Farnswallow chap has never been more than a low-level civic servant. He most certainly has not been entrusted with any serious civic responsibility or decision-making powers. That he and his family would attempt to foist this charade upon the fine citizens of Portsmouth shows  how low some people will go in an attempt to gain power. I want to reassure my constituents that neither I, my staff, nor my family have had anything to do with the terrible plot unraveling, nor any contact with the Farnswallows. Vote Liversausage!"

A spokesperson for Portsmouth City Hall confirmed that Lionel S. Farnswallow is, in fact, a low-level clerk and not the mayor, as he has been purporting himself to be. "We have no idea how this mix-up could have occurred, but rest assured that it will not occur again." promised the anonymous official.

Calls placed to the editorial staff at the Portsmouth Pirate News, which has repeatedly referred to the Farnswallow family as holding the political reins in Portsmouth throughout the scandal, have not been returned.

[Griffin NoName]

thank goodness there are some other copywriters on the Aaaaaargus!!  It's my day off.

[Aphos]

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

The convoluted story of Flourgate just seems to get more...well...convoluted.

The latest chapter in the saga of Flourgate is the appearance of one Keith Liversausage.  Sources have confirmed that the mysterious Liversausage is in fact an escapee from the Portsmouth Home for Demented Pirates.

Liversausage has been diagnosed as delusional.  He has claimed at various times to be Jesus Christ, Napoleon and Papa Smurf.  His condition is believed to be the result of eating too much fish head stew.

[Aphos]

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News that's Unfit to Print

Who Is Mayor of Portsmouth?

Records reveal that Lionel S. Farnswallow is indeed NOT the elected mayor of Portsmouth.  He is actually the executive secretary of the third assistant mayor.  When interrogated badgered interviewed by this reporter, Mr. Farnswallow stated, "Well, I AM the acting mayor.  See, everyone else in City Hall went on a golfing vacation to the Bahamas, and I was left in charge.  That was three years ago."

So who is the elected mayor?  No one seems to be able to answer that question.  All records of our last election seem to have been destroyed.  And there was that awful mess at the Admiral Benbow.  Most people feel all that is best forgotten.

[Bluenose]

The latest chapter in the saga of Flourgate is the appearance of one Keith Liversausage.  Sources have confirmed that the mysterious Liversausage is in fact an escapee from the Portsmouth Home for Demented Pirates.

Yarr!  Oi didunt knows we 'ad our own 'ome?  Why wasent we telled this?

[Black Bart]

Arrrrrr...Ye've been livin in it for the last two year matey...the nurses will be round wiv yer dose in a minute.