Things to do on a long voyage

[The Black Spot]

Harrr... empty words there matey. We all knows that ye can rack up points quick at Python speed. It all be over in a flash (ahem).

But ye Slugge Speede requires a great deal o' cunnin' an forward plannin. That's why ye'll always be second.

Sound of gauntlet being hurled to the floor

[Black Bart]

YYYAARRRRRR...I can take that comin from a Skilled Mariner like yerself.  I'll ne'r forget the toim yer crew cast ye adrift in an open boat (for the thirtieth toim last year), with a thousand miles of open ocean between yerself and land. Not daunted ye skillfully piloted yer tiny vessel round t'other side o ship when they weren't lookin, climbed up the side and murdered the lot of em!

Now where's me cabin boy!!!!!!

[The Black Spot]

Arrr, I remembers that. Trouble was, there was another mutiny on the rowboat before we rounded the ship. I 'ad to put that one down first.

[Black Bart]

Rule number one of being cast adrift in an open boat...always make sure you've got the top score on Snake Slug Speed first...YYYYAARRRR!

[The Black Spot]

Bein' adrift on an open boat 'as problems as far as entertainment goes.

I remembers the last time me crew set me adrift (last week) an it were just me an' me cabin boy in the boat. We tried to keep ourselves entertained with a game o' I-Spy.

Trouble was, it got dull quick. Me cabin boy said "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with S."

"Sea"

"Right. Your go."

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B."

"Boat."

"Right. Your go."

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with S."

"Sea"

"Right. Your go."

'Twere the only time in me life that I wished I 'ad a Monopoly board.

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

That is unless you've got Big Ron on board, where I hear the letter 'F' gets a bit of a werke out...YArrr!

[Black Bart]

I remembers the last time me crew set me adrift (last week) an it were just me an' me cabin boy in the boat.

Shiverin cuttlefish Black Spot ye be gettin soft in yer old age...are ye expectin us to believe ye were all alone in a small boat with yer cabin boy and ye weren't tempted to eat im?!!

[Swatopluk]

If I lay becalmed somewhere and the Tortugean Weather Agency tells me that it will last for a while, I let the crew start the thorough cleaning.
First step: divide the crew in groups of three and let them keelhaul each other in turn. During each haul the hauled has to break some of the barnacles from the hull or cut the seaweed. To get them motivated: that will be their only food for the day (given the cook's expertise, that would be motivating even if they could eat the regular stuff from the galley).
Second step will be told next time

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR...I remembers one fateful voyage where The Big Brenda lay becalmed of the Dry Tortuga's and I gave me crew leave to do some sun bathin. 

The scurvy blaggards all started to strip off in front o me...the sight were so terrible and the stench were so great even the bilge rats jumped ship! I still ave nightmares about it!

[The Black Spot]

Arrrr...

It were a bit boring in the Sargasso Sea, so as me new first mate were an educated man, we decided to 'ave a game o' scrabble.

I thought for a few minutes, and put down "OKE".

"What does that mean?" sez the first mate.

"ye ignorant swab!" I sez. "Tis what the ship's made of. Don't ye know anything about wood?"

The bosun frowned and put down "BUREAUX" - two double letter scores, a triple word score an' fifty points for usin' all seven.

"Arrr, what be that? I thinks you made it up" sez I.

"Not at all Captain," sez he. "It's a plural - a form of writing desk. Made of OKE." He looked at me slyly, but I let it pass.

I had some right crap letters in me tray. After about ten minutes I put down "FOKS".

"What does that mean?" sez the first mate.

"Don't ye know nuffin'?" I sez to 'im. "It be an orange dog thing that lives in 'oles. We 'ad one fer supper last week."

The first mate took 'is turn "CARRION"- Double word score an' 50 points.

"Avast!" sez I. "That be two words yer blaggard!"

"Not at all Captain" sez the first mate. "I understand that a FOKS is quite partial to it."

I were sure 'ee were cheating, so I thought I would see what 'appened next. I put down "BILJRAT".

"Ha!" I sez. "Triple word score an fifty points!"

"No Captain, that's two words. Well it's one badly--"

That were enough. I kicked the table up in the air an' rounded on the cheatin' bastid. I dragged him onto the deck and called for the bosun.

"Bosun," I sez. "Give this scurvy swindlin' swine twenty lashes of the cat!" I turned to the first mate. "You hear that? Yer gettin' the cat. K-A-T cat!"

'Ee were a rum character that First Mate. First time I ever saw anyone smile durin' a floggin'.

[Black Bart]

If you've ever made the mistake o lookin up Black Bart's Pirate Articles you'll no doubt ave been orrified at the strictness o me regime and the tight discipline o me ship's company. However, I has mellowed with the passing o time and urine and I has decoided to change article 6:

"No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man shall be found seducing any of the latter sex and carrying her to sea in disguise he shall suffer death."

This article shall now read:

6. "No boy or woman to be allowed amongst them. If any man shall be found seducin any of the latter sex and carrying her to sea in disguise he shall suffer death, unless he hides her in the Captain's Cabin. 

[The Black Spot]

Tis always an idea to keep a well stocked bar at sea. When things get a bit borin' me an me officers 'ave an Alphabetical Binge.

Ye starts off wi' a mugfull o' an "A" drink (absinthe will do) then a "B" drink (Brasso fer example) and keep goin' an see 'ow far yer  can get.

If yer fergets what letter comes next, or ye can't think of a drink, ye has to start again from the beginning (which 'appens quite often wi' the bunch o' illiterates I has).

Arrr, we lost three days once gettin' up to "L".

[Black Bart]

On one very long excursion to the far flung corners of the Oceans I suggested a game of 'Legs'.  A simple game, ye just has to spot an animal and ye score the number o legs what the critter's got eg: Seagull = 2.
Bilge Rat = 4
Weevil = ...I'll ave to look that one up!
Ships Cat = 3 (he lost one when the gunner dropped a canon ball on im!)
Squid = 8
Crab = 8 (no lookin down yer trousers ye swabs, that don't count!)

YYYAAARRR the game was goin well, and I was winnin, when all of a sudden the First Mate shouts out: "Kraken off the Port bow!"

'GGGGAARRRR', sais I, '32 legs and a rare creature bonus of 25...You win yer swab...

Oh and...ABANDON SHIP!!!!'

[The Black Spot]

Arrrr...

Once, on a trip to the antipodes, I decided to write me autobiography.

I sat at me desk, sharpened me quill, an started to write.

Now what should I be calling it? I decided against the title "King o' whole World an Everyone an Everything In It" as some people might think it a bit big headed, so I decided on "A Hero's Life: The Legend of The Black Spot". That be seemin' much more modest like.

"Chapter One," I wrote.

I racked me brains. What were the earliest thing I could remember? Were it settin' fire to the school? Perhaps it were when I led a boardin' party to take next door's tree house? No, it were that doctor I kicked in the knackers. 'Twere his fault fer 'olding me upside down an' smackin' me arse when I weren't expectin' it.

I continued to write, an I were astounded by the body count that were bein' racked up. 'Undreds o' them, an I were only on page 12.

I decided t' stop at this point. If a prosecuter got 'old of this, 'twould be the longest suicide note in history.

[Sibling Chatty]

FER SHAME OF ALL OF YER!!

Wastin' yer time at games an' such, when yer puir old' muvvers are sittin' at the Old Biddy's Rest Home with nary a letter from their theivin' sons!!

When was th' last toime ye took yer auld mam a wee bit o' the bounty of yer work?? Did ye visit her on yer last trip to Portsmouth?? NAAAH, o' course ye didn't. Ye know th' address, you mangy dogs...it's where ye send th' money fer them to keep yer mam from comin' to th' docks to make ye clean yer ship and neaten up yer berth!!

Oi wants evver man jack o' ye to promise to write yer Mum once a month, or so help me, Our Mum will make me bring them to th' docks ter visit ye, AND stop off at the Admiral Benbow fer a toddy.

Ye have been warned!!