Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[The Black Spot]

Dear Principull Cullinane

I's appreciate yer efforts to get the little buggers signed up, but the picture yer put up of me looks like H.P.Lovecraft.

Fer the last day or two, me ship's bin besieged by strange fishy lookin' people shoutin' "Ia! Ia! Shub-Nigurath!" an wearin' Ken Dodd wigs.

I's keep tellin' them that I don't dwell in the stygian blackness, but they keep making comments about the "strange angles" in me ship.

If things don't improve, I'll set midshipman C.Thulu on 'em.

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRRR...The picture o me bear's a strikin resemblance to a young Elton John...might that not be more worryin than a charming young Buccaneer!

The little blighters will be expectin me to sing 'Pin Ball Wizard' and there will be no way they'll let me show em round me cabin!

[Bluenose]

Basick Distillery Praktiss, Lessun 1

"Good mornin class, Oi be Cap'n Bluenose yer Distillery Master fer this yeer."

Good mornin Cap'n Bluenose

"Before we gets ter th' main part of this lesson Oi fawt it might be a gud idear ter ave a toor o' a real lyve distilleree soze ye can get an idear o wot we are tryin ter archeeve.  Please kumb this way."

"Now pleeze be very careful an don't tutch enny fink.  That boy at the back in green, wot be yer naime?"

'Orrible 'Arry, Cap'n Sir

"Roight, 'Orrible, did Oi not jess say not ter tutch ennyfin?"

'ess sir

"Wotcha say?"

Oi said 'ess sir

"A bit louder, ye little blaggard"

'ess sir

"Iff Oi 'ave ter come down there ye'll be tasting the cat ye mutinous dog, now, did Oi not tell ye ter leave things alone?"

Yess Sir

"Roight.  See that ye do"

"Now, over there be the firebox and jess above that be the pot.  On the side ye can see the presha Kontrole nobb.  "'Orrible, leave that..."





KAAAAABOOM!!!

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...

...

...

...

...

tinkle

tinkle



tinkle

crash

bang wallop smash biong

crash

tinkle

tinkle




"Yerr, roight,  Oi fink we better be movin right on ter Lesson Fyve Part Fore, Blamin sumwun ells fer exploshuns..."

[Black Bart]

Allright...who switched the Rum barrels with the Fish Head Stew Barrels?!!!

The dinner ladies are all pissed!

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Dear Principal Cullinane,

I've finally finished t'e kuurrykulum for the subject ARGH 109 'Liberating Others of Their Wealth - Introduction to Pirate Accounting', so 'ere it is.

T'e lessons will be dewid made out of two parts, Microeconomy and Macroeconomy:

Microeconomy:

T'is part of t'e subject is aimed for small entireprnre businessmen. T'at means t'at I will teach t'e little buggars our dear students how to liberate in small amounts:

1st lessun: 'ow to take your colleagues lunch money (w'ich will mean t'at in t'e first lesson, I take t'e lunch money of all the present students).
2nd lessun: Pickpocketing I and II
3th lessun: Basic Pirate Accounting - t'is b' t'e issenstial lessun for small businessmen. I will show t'e students basic card tricks, and basic tricks 'ow to take gold from fools who believe your a decent man, 'oo wants to 'elp t'em get rich.
4th lessun: Introduction into Macroeconomy - liberating small villages and small ships of t'eir wealth, the basic rules of small wealth-libeartion.

Macroeconomy:

1st lessun: Macroeconomy I - liberating medium-sized cities and medium-sized ships of t'eir wealth.
2nd lessun: Advanced Pirate Accounting - 'ow to become t'e manager of a rich company/football team/etc. in three steps.
3th lessun: Macroeconomy II - liberating big cities, big ships and small fleets of t'eir wealth.
4th lessun: Introduction into Pirate Politics - Pirate Diplomacy - w'en to draw yer cutlass during diskush talks.


T'is b' it, dear principul. I'm also planning t'e subject 'Pirate Politics' and 'Pirate Diplomacy' for t'e sekund term, so I 'ope t'is will interest you.

Anot'er t'ing I wanted to talk wit' you about is, t'at I still 'aven't been paid for t'is term. I 'ope you will solve t'is problem wit' yer accountant soon.

Yours sincurely Cap'n Kiyoodle the MoneyMaker

[DaveL]

Dear Mr Bluenose,

Oi heards you had a slight problem in the distillery room. Can yer please blame someone else, fill out an incident report form.

As the still is covered by insurance, there is a good possibility of wroughting the system reimbursement.

Dear Mr Kiyoodle,

You course ARGH 109 is excellent and will yield me our students lots of money. Course approved!

In keeping wif the alternative photos, I have ascribed you the following staff image to impress the parents.


Mr Kiyoodle

Koind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Black Bart]

He reminds me of the bloke who came to me Fish Head Stew factory to examine the accounts...I told him me accounts were all at sea... he said: "You can say that again!"

I had the blaggard dropped in the Fish Head processing unit!

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

T'at must 'ave been me tvin brother Coyoodle the 'onourable. He was never good wit' numbers.

[Bluenose]

Deer Prinsiple Cullinane,

Cud ye cast ye eye over the attached forme afore Oi send it in ter see iff there be anyfing you fink needs ter be added.  Oi 'ave alreddy made a few minor changes.

Cap'n Bluenose
Distillery Master

Ripoff, Skullduggery and Baggards Inc., Insurance Agents

CLAIM FORM

Location of insured item:
Portsmouth Pirate Public School, Distillery Room.

Description of insured item:
Still

Make and model:
A bit of old tat knocked up by stickin togetha bits an bobs from Bustlin Brian's Plumbin Supplies with string, sticky tape an chewin gum
Stillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional

Value of insured item:
2 Cronin 25,000 Dubloons

Describe how loss occurred:
Wun o' me students turned up the pressure control valve afore Oi cud stop 'im, the littel blaggard There was an unexplained increase in still pressure that led to katastrofic system failyer puttin me dear students in extreem danger.

[Black Bart]

Dear Capn Bluenose

Ye has failed to read the small print in clause 493, most probably cos of yer one eye, which reads:

Clause 493: As well as acts of god and nuclear war no payment will be made as a result of damage caused by expurgated little blaggards, especially ones under an ASBO.

Yours Sincerely

Reginald Ripoff CEO

[DaveL]

Dear Captain Bluenose,

I suggest you 'up' the insured sum to 50,000 dubloons. A 20,000 dubloon portion shall be forwarded in unmarked bullion to one Mr R. Ripoff.

The remaining 5,000 shall be forwarded account no. 451-346-143 account name 'P.P.P. Teachers Groggin and Wenchin' Account'.

Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[DaveL]

Dear Mr Kiyoodle,

It has been noted that theft levels within the school confines has increased enormously, since you have begun teaching ARGH 109 'Liberating Others of their wealth'.

Can you please explain what practical assignments you have issued the students and what locations the students were meant to undertake these assignments.

Can the student who raided 'The Principal's Secret Cabinet' please return the following items:

1. 1 x riding crop;
2. 1 x leather studded mask;
3. 1 x electric cattle prod;
4. 1 x inflatable 'school teacher'

No questions asked!

Kind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

Dear principul Cullinane

I be verry sorry to 'ear about the t'efts. Me students 'ave been instrutc instrukted not to liberate t'e teachers of t'eir wealth, but only perform on t'eir fellow skoolmates.
After long enqkvieries (involving a whip, hot wax, cutlasses and Big Brenda) I 'ave found out t'at t'e sekret cabinet had been raid under t'e instruction of some scurvy bastard 'iding under the psoodo name B.B.Art, but nobody 'as seen 'im in person. But I managed to steal get t'e things ye miss from yer cabinet back, wit' t'e eksepshun of item four, "inflatable school teacher" (I be keepin' t'at one). It must 'ave already found a new owner.

T'e items wull be delivered to yer office by tomorrow (I 'ave to do some punishment on me female students first) in a black box, t'at won't let other peoples to identifie t'e inside of it.

Yers sincurely Kiyoodle the Returner

[DaveL]

Dear Reginald Ripoff,

Due to unforseen circumstances ie; I am being blackmailed, Oi will only be able to forward 15,000(20,000 minus 5,000) dubloon to your Swiss Bank account.

Please accept these delicious batches of Fishhead Stew made by Mr Bart's home economics students, in lieu of the shortfall.

Koind Regards,

Principal

[Bluenose]

Deer Prinsipal Cullinane,

Oi 'ave got th' new Stillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional installed an werkin properlie.  Wuld ye loike ter join me in a samplin o' the product after class today?  Strikly fer kwalitie kontrol, of corse, ye unnerstan...

Bouy th' waye, Oi 'ave got th' new "Portsmouth Rotgut Speshull OP" labels printed loikes we diskussed.  The first batch of our new produkt shuld be reddy ter despatch ter the sly grog merchants wunce we deside it's aged enuff.  Shuld be a nice littel erner fer the school, plus the statutory skim off the top fer yourself and yours truly...

Cap'n Bluenose
Distillery Master