OFSTED SCARED OFF!
Going deep undercover reporter Ima Sneekiwun reports, in an exclusive for the Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus, on the goings on between Portsmouth's soon to be opened elite school the Portsmouth Pirate Public School (PPPS) and the Piracy Council for Higher Heducation Inspectorate's crack inspection squad OFSTED (Old Fearsome Seagoing Terrors Educate Dekids)
Sources say that OFSTED had threatened to close down PPPS because of alleged irregularities in the proposed operation of the school and also because of alleged underage drinking on the premises. A spokesperson for the school a Cap'n Bluenose said "Yarr, it all be lies. We don't be makin any o that alkayhollick stuffe in the school, we jess be teachin the little bastids tackers ow ter make a fine health tonic accordin to an ole family recipes wot Oi appen to have on 'and."
Principal Cullinane denied all suggestions that the school's Masters were preparing to repell the OFSTED inspectors were false "We've actually prepared quite a warm welcome for them" he said. Our undercover reported told us that this seemed to be the case as the Distillery Master had in fact prepared quite a number of bottle of tonic as a present for the inspecting team.
Furthermore we can report that the girls of the neighbouring well respected school St Winifred's had been planing to "join the party" as one of the senior girls put it.
It appears that when the OFSTED officers approached the school, they mistakenly thought that the pirates were getting ready for a pitched battle whereas we can report that it was simply preparations being made to welcome the team. This newspaper is of the opinion that OFSTED are a bunch of lily-livered, power hungry oafs and that they deserve to be exposed as such.
OFSTED were approached for a comment but our enquiry was met with a "shove off ye blaggard" by the person who answered the phone.
BUSTLIN BRIAN GONE AWOL
Colourful Portsmouth identity Bustlin Brian is being sought by the Portsmouth Piratical Constabulary to answer a number of charges of fraud, misrepresentation and criminal identity theft. Constable Abe Igplodd said "We are searchin for this person, what it is alleged has made off with a large amount of treasure he allegedly acquired by various deeds of fraudulently misrepresenting goods he was selling on Arrgh-Bay and though mail order business he was operating through a phony address what turned out to be a disused sewerage works. Anyone what can help with our enquiries should contact me at Constabulary Headquarters.
Ancient Wreck Found
Archaeologists were excited last week when they found an ancient vessel on the seabed just outside Portsmouth Harbour.
According to the leader of the expedition, "This is a significant find. Judging by the poor quality of the workmanship and the hoplessly primitive methods used in its construction, this ship must be several thousand years old at least. I suspect that this ship was designed and piloted by some form of sub-human ape creature."
A second team has been sent in to verify the findings.
----------------------------------
STOP PRESS
The ancient ship has
been found to be two
weeks old.
The authorities are
unsure of its origin,
but would like to
speak to the owner of
several cauldrons of
fish head stew and a
Harry Seacombe L.P.
ALL POOP AND NO DECK
Local man Calico Jack was looking forward to a breath of fresh air when he got Portsmouth Plumber Bustlin Brian to install a flushing toilet onboard his ship. However far from being flushed with success it looks like his plans have gone down the pan. A grim faced Mr Jack said 'it all started when the tide came in, the whole system backfired and before we knew it the ship was covered in shite!' 'What made it worse was the crew had just come back from a uproarious night of grog and Fishe Heade Stewe!' 'There was nothing for it but to send the ship to the bottom...no time to salvage anything, not even my favourite Harry Secombe LP!!!
NEW BEER LAUNCHED
Mr Keith Bicklestoff of Allied and Conglomerate Moneymakers last night announced the launch of a new beer to be served in the Portsmouth area.
At a grand launch night in the Admiral Benbow, Mr Bicklestoff announced to the crowd that the new brew was "In line with current concerns for health," and that Allied Moneymakers "intended to promote responsible drinking by producing this new full flavour, alcohol free brew."
Mr Bicklestoff said to the raucous mob that "The days of drunkeness are in the past. Portsmouth will lead the march to a new, clearheaded future. The drunken oaf will soon be consigned to history!"
Mr Bicklestoff's family have requested no flowers for the funeral.
SAUCY VEGETABLE RACKET EXPOSED
Constable Timmins from Portmouth Constabulary was given a recent tip-off about an illegal smugglin' racket dealing in saucy vegetables.
Four men were subsequently arrested in the garden of Mr Pervical Smiggins, a well known prize winner of large carrots at the Portsmouth Agricultural Fair.
When asked what they were doing with Mr Smiggin's prized carrot, they were quoted as 'simply admiring it'. All men were found carrying a copy of this months Playbilge magazine.
The four men were later released after Constable Timmins confiscated a copy of Playbilge for his own keeping.
Constable Timmins was later seen in Mr Bert Twaddle's Zucchini patch...
MAYOR DEFENDS RECORD ON CRIME
The mayor of Portsmouth, "Red" Keith Liversausage made a rare public appearance last night. Speaking from the steps of his heavily defended fortress, he denied reports that the Portsmouth crime rate was spiralling out of control. "It's just as safe in Portsmouth now as it was twenty years ago," said the mayor. Commentators have pointed out that this is because it's been twenty years since "Mad" Jake Knuckleshredder and his crew were blown to bits by a cheap, shoddily fitted pressure pipe.
---------------------------------
STOP PRESS
Mayor Keith Liversausage
was kidnapped on the steps
of his fortress after
giving a speech last night.
After receiving the ransom
note, the police say they
are looking for a
semi literate, uneducated,
violent man. Half the town
are helping them with their
enquiries.
NEW 'POLICE CAMERA ACTION' SERIES TO BE FILMED IN PORTSMOUTH.
The profile of Portsmouth City Centre is to be raised by the filming of a new series of the popular TV show: Police Camera Action on the city's bustlin streets. Portsmouth was chosen over The Bronx, Bogata, Mogadishu and Bazra. Shortly before he was kidnapped the Mayor of Portsmouth "Red" Keith Liversausage made a statement welcoming the news: 'This can only be good for the people of Portsmouth, we could do with some positive publicity for a change and I'd like to say from the record that aaaaarrrrrrrrgh help!'
The deputy mayor issued a statement last night condemning the violent abduction of Mr Liversausage and urged the kidnappers to return the mayor urgently, otherwise the next incombant a Mr Black Bart was ready to take over the mayorship!
PROTESTERS CALL FOR RETURN OF "RED" KEITH
Central Portsmouth was brought to a standstill today as thousands of protesters filled the streets bearing placards carrying slogans like "Bring Back 'Red' Keith", "Save Us From Black Bart" and "No Fish Head Stew For Portsmouth". Protest organisers told Aaarrrrggghhhus cadet reporter Scoop Bluebottle that rumours of Black Bart's impending inauguration as Mayor had produced a groundswell of public opinion and terror. "We'll keep that blaggard out of the Mayoral office or die trying!" one of the protesters was heard to say.
24 DIE FROM A LIT MATCH AT BIG RON CONCERT
Scenes of panic today at the Scurvy Rex Entertainment Centre as the pyrotechnics at Big Ron's 'Unplugged and Unventilated' concert got out of hand.
Ole Scuppers McGee, a Big Ron fan had the urge to light up his pipe during a Big Ron windy solo, causing a methane explosion that left dozens dead.
Big Ron brushed aside the incident, stating it was merely part of the act.
Portsmouth Council (minus Red Keith) are reviewing their position on future Big Ron Concerts. Suggested measures include banning Big Ron from using his "most prized" wind instrument.
Mayor Keith Liversausage will have the casting vote on Big Ron's fate, when he is finally returned from kidnap.
FEARS GROW FOR RED KEITH
A sinister package was delivered to Portsmouth town hall last night. It contained a human ear and a hastily scrawled note from Red Keith Liversausage. It read:
"Help. Pay them whatever they want. Eh? What's that you said?"
The ear was identified as being Mr Liversausage's as it still had a pencil stub from Honest John's betting shop behind it.
MI5 REPORT FEARS FOR SANTA CLAUS'S LIFE
An MI5 undercover agent working in Lapland has raised fears of an attempt on the life of Father Xmas. Aerial photographs taken over Santa's Secret Lapland hideout have shown anomalies in the footprints left by Santa's reindeer team. The cloven hoof prints are clearly interspersed with large boot prints and what appear to be peg leg prints! MI5 have published photographs of the suspected assassin but believe he may be working in a cunning disguise. MI5 have also been tracking a large consignment of the highly explosive material CFHS (Condensed Fish Head Stew) which may have got into the hands of extremists.
QANTAS JET DAMAGED ON XMAS EVE!
(http://www.australianholidays.de/wunala.jpg)
Reports to hand indicate that the distinctively painted Qantas 747 Wunala Dreaming was damaged on approach to Mascot Airport on Christmas Eve. The jet appears to have been shot at by terrorists who had mounted a large artillery piece on South Head. There were no injuries sustained by the passengers or crew, but the aircraft will need extensive repairs before being returned to service. "This is a senseless unprovoked attack on Innocent Christmas holiday makers" stated the Mayor of Sydney in an exclusive interview for the Aaarrrrggghhhus.
In a related report Sydney air traffic controllers have said that the incident occurred at around the same time they were tracking Santa Clause inbound to Australia after completing the New Zealand leg of his annual delivery run. "Luckily, it seems that the perpetrators were incompetent idiots. They seemed to have been firing upon the sleigh at first and then trained on the much larger target of the Qantas jet as it passed overhead. Fortunately their aim appears to have been pretty poor" stated an air traffic controller who did not wish to be named.
New South Wales police are looking for what they describe as "scurrilous ruffians" and "desperadoes" and have issued an identikit photograph of a person they wish to interview. If any responsible member of the public has seen this person, please call Crime Stoppers on 1800-CRIME.
'Ere!! Wotchu Playin at!
Postin' pictures of me mam on the internet like that. It ain't decent!
If me mam sees that, wot's left of yer will be joinin' the Foreign Legion...
She's got a wicked left hook, 'as me mam...
And it sharpened on both sides!
YArrr!
The flamin' idiots! They must have been drunk or sumthin'.
Although on second thoughts, anyone that'd paint a 747-400 like that deserves firing upon...YArr!
PATRICK MOORE INJURED IN AURORA BOREALIS HORROR
Britain's best loved astronomer Patrick Moore was being treated for burns last night after a mysterious incident involving a stella phenomenon.
Sir Patrick had rushed to a location in East Anglia on Christmas Eve where there had been reports of spectacular lights in the eastern sky.
The phenomenon, which was thought to be linked to the Aurora Borealis, reached it's crecendo just as Sir Patrick arrived. Eye witnesses reported a blinding flash and a loud detonation. Then, as the unfortunate astronomer gazed upward, a shower of burning debris and droplets of an extremely caustic liquid rained down on him.
Reports from the hospital have said that Sir Patrick is making a slow recovery and that a Fish Head had been removed from his monacle.
The Ministry of Defence have put a 3 mile exclusion zone around the affected area and have refused to confirm reports that a pair of antlers and a scorched peg leg were found amongst the debris.
BIG RON CAUGHT ON INFRARED CAMERA
Disturbing evidence was revealed by Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus secret reporter Bernie Hutton today of Big Ron 'doing what comes naturally'.
The disturbing footage filmed at Big Ron's Butchery shows our favourite butcher letting a few of his cares get away.
The evidence may prevent Big Ron from performing in Portsmouth again, following a recent explosion at a recent Big Ron concert.
http://www.devilducky.com/media/55095/
Does anyone have a plus size cork?
HUGE MUSHROOM CLOUD SEEN OVER PPS
Reports to hand indicate that a large explosion occurred this morning at the Portsmouth Pirate Public School. Witnisses claim to have seen a large mushroom shaped cloud over the area of the controversial distillery training facility at the school immediately after a very loud bang was heard. Our reporter on the scene shortly after this unexpected event spoke to a rather dishevelled looking fellow who claimed to be a Captain Bluenose, the Distillery Master of PPS. Mr Bluenose claims that the explosion was caused by "them little blaggardettes from that :censored: girl's school over the road". Mr Bluenose appeared to be in a highly emotional state at the time.
Portsmouth Pirate constabulary are looking into the matter and are expected to report back in a few days.
COMPUTER ERROR ROBS BLACK BART OF FROGGER CROWN
Black Bart, future mayor of Portsmouth, was fuming last night after his Frogger score of 15,240 failed to register on the Toadfish Arcade. Scumsoft Ltd who provide the technical support, hardware and programming for the popular games site have accepted responsibility for the error. An embarrased Scumsoft Spokesman tried to riggle out of the situation by giving the feeble explanation that:
"The main generator was running on four miles of copper piping which Scumsoft had purchased from Bustlin Brian, the whole bloody lot just fell part from the vibrations coming from a flat just above Scumsoft's Offices!"
Apparently the flat is occupied by a mysterious Mr Goatstarer who was not available for comment, however, Scumsoft were able to tell us Mr Goatstarer had bought six keyboards from them in the last month!
Black Bart is currently undergoing a course of therapy at Madame Fifi's Health Spa and Massage Parlour.
TALLSHIP FORMULA 1-ARR FOR PORTSMOUTH HARBOUR
Excitement abounds 'ere today after Portsmouth Harbour was entusiatically named as the newest venue for Galleon Racing enthusiasts.
Formula 1-ARR President Jean Cretien Francois Francois Blanche Dubois Duplesy announced the decision as follows:
'Efter merch derliberashun about personal safety, we ef decided to include Portsmouth Harbour in next years F1-ARR competition'
President Duplesy was recent in Portmouth to inspect the venue, which included:
1) a visit to the Portmouth Dock;
2) a trip to see fellow compatriot Madame Fifi;
3) a tour of the Portsmouth prison complex;
4) a follow-up trip to Madame Fifi's;
5) a meeting with 'odds on' mayoral candidate Mr Black Bart;
6) a tour of Portmouth commercial district, including a meeting with 'The Men of Portsmouth' calendar participants;
7) Private entertainment by 'Ms Francine the Flagellator' from Madame Chantal's.
'8) A cruise of the harbour;
9) One final visit to Madame Fifi's, to confirm that all arrangements were in order.
As part of the safety conditions for awarding the bid, the entire Piratica Soccer Team will be banned from entering the town during the event.
The Formula-1ARR will be sponsored by Bart Industries and Bustlin' Brian Enterprises.
BLACK BART BITES OFF A BATS HEAD
In an incident reminiscent of the legendary lead Singer of Black Sabbath Ozzy Osbourne, it is confirmed that the accident prone Pirate Black Bart has indeed bitten off a Bats Head.
The incident occured after Black Bart's ship runaground on a remote island and found a colony of Bats in a cave whilst foraging for supplies. The incident was filmed by an undercover reporter working on his ship who witnessed Bart approach the Bat shouted YARRGGGGHHHH YER BLAGGARD and calmly bit its head off.
Afterwards when asked to explain his actions Bart said "I thought it was a fish an I was trying to git some more supplies for me stew, you see it was dark in there and I was drunk at the the time, however I would like to apologise to the Bat, it was mistaken identity yer see.".
The Bat was unavailable for comment.
Cannibalism
I was unsure where to post this but the Portsmouth Aaarrrgggghhhus will do, I quote it from the BBC History magazine January issue...
The last famous case of cannibalism in the UK concerned three survivors of the barque Mignonette in 1884, who were in an open boat (The Black Spot was probably one of em!) in the South Atlantic and consumed the cabin boy! On being rescued and returned to England they were found guilty of murder at Exeter Assizes. There was an immediate appeal and re-trial in which they were convicted of manslaughter and each sentenced to six months.
One lawyer alledgedly remarked afterwards: "Damn funny country we live in. Kill a cabin boy and you get six months. Bugger him and you get two years".
SCUMSOFT RELEASES NEW PORTHOLES VERSION
The Portsmouth office of Scumsoft was beseiged last night as hundreds of Pirates queued up at the door to be the first to buy a copy of the new Portholes Avarsta which went on sale at midnight.
Although Portholes Avarsta promises greater integration for all your Piratin Komputin needs and in particular easier access to various Pirate Gaming options, pundits report that many Pirates will not find a compelling reason to upgrade from Portholes XP. It is expected that most sales of Avarsta will be to the "nerd" end of the Pirate market and with new computer sales.
Scumsoft CEO Captain William Doors said that Avarsta "marks a major new direction for Scumsoft" and said that it would "provide an important new revenue stream" for the company with the new Digital Ripoff Management (DRM) features.
AAARRRRGGGHHHUS UNDER ATTACK!
This newspaper will fight proceedings in the Scurvy Disciplinary Board that threaten journalistic independance. All concerned readers are encouraged to gather in the forecourt of the Board and enter en-mass to register your protests at this scurrilous attack on the freedom of the press.
AAAAARRRRGHPPLE Computers to sue Scumsoft
The new Portholes Operating System Avarsta is the subject of a lawsuit by the Carribean Computer Giant AAAAARRRGHPPLE. AAAAARRRGHPPLE aledge that the Avarsta System is a complete Rip off of it's 'OS X Marks the Spot' which has been wowing the computer world for the last 3 years. Scumoft were unable to comment as their Avarsta System had used up so much RAM that their entire network had collapsed.
PUPATING PRINCESS SNATCHES VICTORY IN THE GRAND WRIGGLER
A dramatic finish today in the premier event on the maggot racing calendar The Grand Wriggler. Capn DaveL owned maggot 'Pupating Princess', a rough outsider at 10-1, won the event from champion stallion 'Where's the Flyspray?'by a mere half a wriggle.
The big event was celebrated by the who's who of Portsmouth society, including some women who wore ridicuously silly hats and some pirates who wore some ridiculously sillier hats (no hang on they always wear those hats!)
The event was marred by tragedy when philly Team McTavish maggot 'BM Au-go-go' was badly crushed when owner Brenda McTavish attempted to jockey the maggot in the big event.
Owner DaveL was last seen celebrating the big win at the Dribbling Parrot Inn with Black Bart, The Black Spot, Bluenose, Swato and Griffin . When interviewed DaveL replied 'zzzzzz...hic...yay we won!...zzzz..hic'.
NEW RECORD SET FOR SINGLE HANDED ATLANTIC CROSSING
The record for a single handed crossing of the Atlantic was smashed last night.
The mariner, Cap'n B. Spot, took less than 18 days to complete the 3,500 mile journey in an open rowboat.
Mr Spot declined to give any comment except to curse very loudly and colourfully, and screamed something about "they'll all be hanging from the nearest yardarm!".
Several spectators at Portsmouth harbour said that this wasn't the first time that Mr Spot had undertaken such a journey.
PARROT ARRESTED FOR CRUELTY TO MAGGOTS
A Parrot belonging to the legendary Pirate Cap'n The Black Spot was today arrested by local policemen in Portsmouth having been spotted being cruel to a Maggot.
The Maggot in question was Pupating Princess who was attacked after exiting the Portsmouth nightspot Fifi's after celebrating her victory in the The Grand Wriggler competition. The Parrot (who due to legal reasons we are unable to identify by name) was seen flying up to the Maggot and picking her up in its beak before attempting to swallow it. Fortunately for the beleaguered Maggot, help was at hand as Dave L's Cat Tiddles waddled up to the Parrot and bit its leg off. In the resulting confusion the Maggot escaped from the Parrots Mouth and apart from being in two pieces was relatively unharmed.
After the incident Pupating Princess's agent had the following comments to make. "My client Pupating Princess would like to thank all of its fans who have supported her through its terrible ordeal, however special gratitude is reserved for Tiddles the Cat who bravely rescued her from the jaws of the evil Parrot. As soon as her wounds have healed and her two bits become one, Pupating Princess will once again appear in public in I'm a celebrity Maggot get me out of here"
DOCTORS DEMAND CLOSURE OF ARCADE
The PMC (Portsmouth Medical Council) last night called for the Arcade in the Portsmouth area to be closed.
"It's terrible what we have to deal with," said a PMC spokesmen. "We found one scurvy looking scoundrel who hadn't eaten or slept for days. He was obsessed with beating the highscore on snake and Frogger. This poor devil was twisted and hunched over the controls, and his good hand was bent into a hook shape as he mashed the controls frantically - we had the surgeons on standby until we realised that he normally looks like that."
Asked about other cases the PMC spokesman reported "We have another case where a man's brain has been completely destroyed by playing a fiendish pastime called 'Simon'. This poor wretch managed to rack up a score of over 30 on the device before his brain totally failed. He's now only capable of doing mindless, repetitive tasks- he'll never be the same again."
When asked for his opinion, Cap'n DaveL said "No comment" over and over and over again while looking blankly into the distance.
Single Handed Atlantic Crossing Record Quashed
Cap'n Black Spot may be facing prosecution as mid-Atlantic CCTV has revealed that he had two hands. It is thought that his second hand was hidden beneath his extraordinarily frilly shirt while in Portsmouth Harbour. Black Bart may also be indicted as accomplice for loan of the frilly shirt. It is not known yet when the case will be heard by the SDC.
MAYOR RELEASED BY KIDNAPPERS
Mayor "Red" Keith Liversausage made a triumphant return to Portsmouth Town Hall last night.
An undisclosed sum of money had been paid to the kidnappers, and Red Keith was returned unharmed (apart from a few missing body parts).
During a press conference held on the Town Hall steps, Mayor Liversausage was asked about his time in captivity. The mayor replied "Mmmmmmphh Gruphhh Muuummmph" as he was gagged and bundled into the back of an anonymous carriage which pulled away at high speed.
Black Bart quizzed by police after second Red Ken Kidnapping
It emerged last night that Mayoral candidate Black Bart has been questioned by Portsmouth police after the latest kidnapping of Red Ken Liversausage.
Red Ken had become unpopular with Portsmouth's seafaring fraternity after he introduced the Harbour Conjestion Charge. Many of the poorer ships have been forced to dock at a four mile long jetty and cart their goods in by donkey.
Liversausage has defended his actions by pointing out the big drop in cases of plague, leprosy and rat infestation in the town.
Black Bart was unavailable for comment apart from shouting loudly from his cabin...Shiver me keyboard, I am the Astroids King!
NO MORE DISCRIMINATION AND PILLAGING IN MY TOWN.
So said newly elected mayor Red Ken Liversausage who continues his crusade to rid Portsmouth of the scurvy vermin that have made residents scared of going out at night, not least because they face the risk of being press ganged on to a pirate ship.
Speaking at a rally in Southampton (Local Police have advised Red Ken to keep clear of Portsmouth for his own safety) he made the following pledges.
1) I demand that the exploitation of women in this town is ended. All Gentlemen's clubs will be closed immediately except for Fifi's which will be closed at the end of the year when my membership expires.
2) The exploitation of cabin Boys will also cease. No Cabin Boys under 7 years of age will be allowed to spend the night with a Pirate Cap'n in his quarters.
3) In order to reduce the risk of bubonic plague returning to this town all hostelries are banned from serving Fish Head Stew.
4) Finally I issue an arrest warrent for those evil scoundrels Dave L, The Black Spot, Black Bart and Calico Jack. If they set foot in Portsmouth again they are to be locked up and then hanged at dawn. Never again will they inflict their riotous behaviour on our long suffering citizens.
After the rally Red Ken was bundled into a Ship docked in Southampton Water and taken to a secret address.
This newspaper which is also a co owner of Fifi's will offer 200 Dubloons for anyone who can reveal the location of Red Ken.
THE SPANISH ARMADA STOPS BY
Joy abounds in Portsmouth Harbour, as the Spanish Invasion fleet stopped by for resupply and repairs. Oblivious townsfolk took the opportunity to welcome the visitors to some of Portsmouth finest hospitality.
The entertainment included boyband Take-the-Lot, Motargh-head, Santa-arghh and Madame Fifi's Electric Cancan Band. The Spanish appeared slightly uncomfortable durin' the performances.
Big Ron also used the opportunity to refine his latest continental sausage, the 'Big Ron Chorizo' with the 'Santa Maria' cook, Juan Santiago Dominguez.
Asked by the 'Aaaarrrgghus', which country they were invading, the Spanish coyly replied 'Ummmm...Las Froggy, Las Froggy' and pointed across the English channel.
The Spanish Armada departed Portsmouth firing off a few 'cherio' salvos from their fleet. Several townsfolk were 'slightly' injured trying to catch the cannonballs.
ARCADE CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM
Local outcast Captain Black Bart suffered appaling injuries after his latest victory in the arcade.
Celebrating his high score in the Admiral Benbow, Bart tried to strike up a conversation with the deaf nurse from the Salty Tale. He began bragging about his huge score on Asteroids when the nurse said "Eh?"
Bart shouted "ASTEROIDS! HUGE!"
"You poor thing," said the nurse whipping out a kitchen knife and a cattle prod.
Bart later said "No comment" through gritted teeth, and made a squeaking noise as he walked slowly away.
TIDDLES SCOOPS THE LOTTERY
The Winner of the Portsmouth City Lottery was announced amid fanfare at the civic hall today.
The winner of the 2m Dubloon ticket was Tiddles the Cat who was known for several years as the chief rat catcher on Dave L's ship. Tiddles is a 13 year cross breed with one eye, one sharp tooth and snarls at everything that moves.
Quite how Tiddles acquired the winning Lottery ticket is still unclear. One possible theory is that Dave L after his recent expulsion from Portsmouth gave his ticket to Tiddles.
Tiddles friends and fellow rat catchers were quick to offer their warm congratulations on Tiddles good fortune. "The money is wasted on that ugly flea bitten moggy" said Polly (Dave L's Parrot) "He'll squander it all on Milk and Prawns and gamble the rest away" said Butch (Big Ron's Dog).
One of our reporters did attempt to get an interview with Tiddles but were met by a snarl and a nip in the ankle.
CAPED VIGILANTE TO "CLEAN UP PORTSMOUTH"
Portsmouth was stunned last night when a masked man vowed to rid the town of criminals.
Standing on a rooftop, purple cape blowing in the wind, the athletically built man said
"Evil doers beware! I can no longer stand idly by while the forces of darkness plunder our fair town."
Smashing his yellow gauntlets together, the man continued "I am The Dark Avenger, and I am here to give hope to the good people of Portsmouth."
With that, the mystery man swung away into the night using a purple grappling hook.
The Dark Avenger was later found at about 5 a.m. with a peg leg shoved up an orifice.
BLACK BART HOSPITALISED WITH STRAINED LAUGHTER MUSCLE AFTER READING THE LAST ARTICLE
Black Bart, Portsmouth's prospective new mayor, was rushed to hospital last night with a suspected 'Ribticklus Strainus Majorus'. Between guffaws Bart managed to mutter: 'Peg Leg' and 'Orrifice' and 'Purple grappling hook'. Strangely, Bart made an immediate recovery when the Deaf Nurse came in to read his temperature!
HARBOUR CASINO OPENS
Lord Cap'n Treadmill-Bucksworth opened his Portsmouth Harbour Casino today. The Grand Opening was attended by 12,000 people and Lady Prunella Fitzandgargles JP QC STD UFO cut the ribbon. The casino is expected to reduce the scandalous levels of unemployment in Portsmouth and bring many newcomers to the area swelling the amount of money sloshing around. An arrangement has been reached with Madam Fifi's for a regular supply of talented croupiers.
BRENDA's GETTING HITCHED
Marriage Births and Deaths Column
We are pleased to announce the engagement of Bar tholemew Roberts (Black Bart) and Brenda Largewench (Big Brenda). The nuptials will take place at Portsmouth Civic Hall on Saturday. We expect to announce the obituary of Black Bart approximately 72 hours after the wedding.
POPULAR TALK SHOW HOST DISSAPEARS
The host of the popular Portsmouth Radio talk show TalkPort, disappeared under mysterious circumstances last night. Listeners report that he had just taken a call from a barely intelligible caller identified as a "Mr Spot" who had made all manner of wild accusations and death threats when the radio fell ominously silent. The Portsmouth Piratical Constabulary claim to have received no reports of missing persons and seemed strangely reluctant to discuss the matter when contacted by the Aaarrrrggghhhus by telephone this morning. Senior constable I.M. Witless said "we believe he's gone to visit 'is mum." However there appeared to be the sounds of a cutlass being drawn in the background as SnrConst Witless was talking to our reporter.
HUGE DRUNKEN BRAWL IN TOWN CENTRE
Portsmouth town centre was closed last night after several hundred drunken revellers engaged in a mass brawl.
The fight started at about 2 a.m. outside "The Admiral Benbow" tavern, rolled down the street to Madame Fifi's Gentleman's Club, passed the casino, and continued to the docks where cannon fire could be heard. 150 policemen were drafted in to stop the drunken battle, but they just made things worse as they all joined in the mass punch up.
The battle raged for about 4 hours, and at its height an estimated 800 people were involved.
Apparently, the fight was caused by people celebrating the fact that Portsmouth had just been named this years "European City of Culture."
Portsmouth Rocked by Michelin's latest three-star chef
Fish specialist, La Francais Pic, has surprisingly wrested the coveted prize for her fish-head stew from Portsmouth's very own Black Bart. Services will be held at lunch-time and supper-time in the Stew-Inn Chapel to pray for better success next year.
Henry Kelly to take top spot on Portsmouth's Radio talk show TalkPort.
Following the brutal murder of Talkport's anchor man, the Aaaaarrrrgggghhhus can reveal that world famous Irish Celebrity 'Henry Kelly' is to take over the hot seat. Begorragh!
TIDDLES OUTED BY BLACK BART
Citizens are warned to be on the look out for a very angry Welsh cat. If seen, the public are advised not to approach him, but phone in to Radio TalkPort with his exact location. This cat may be in a mentally unstable condition but is likely only to attack Black Bart unless provoked. An anonymous donor has put up 2,500 Cronin to the first person to inform Tiddles of Black Bart's whereabouts.
NO SIGN OF HENRY KELLY
Cheering crowds of people waited outside the Radio TalkPort building last night in the hope of catching a glimpse of new talksow host Henry Kelly.
It was the fifth night running that Henry Kelly was supposed to be appearing, but again he failed to appear.
Much of the Kelly hysteria had been whipped up by "Genial" Tom Dillon, landlord of the Admiral Benbow.
"Don't worry," said Tom. "I'm sure he'll be here in a minute. Marvellous."
Henry Kelly's spokesman declined to comment. Or he would have done if anyone could have found him.
BRENDA RECORDS NEW ALBUM
Playbilge superstar Brenda McTavish is back and she's bigger than ever - popularity wise Oi mean. Brenda squeezed into Arrggh-bey Road Studios to record the finishin touches to her new album entitled 'My D-Cup Runneth Over'.
Anxious to capture a newer younger audience, Brenda has included a number rap tracks with one-legged 'hop-hop' pirate rapper 'Ice-Arr'.
The first single due out next week will be entitled 'Hey yo, yo. Yo ho ho', which will include a P-TV video of Brenda and Ice-Arr sportin' reverse baseball caps, excessive bling and gyratin' dancers.
Eager to meet her younger audience, Brenda will be appearing at Portmouth Pirate Public School for purely promotional purposes. Principal Bill Cullinane is said to be delighted by her scheduled appearance.
Portsmouth Pirate Public School to build New Concert Hall for Bid Brenda Show
Four square miles of Portsmouth's derelict Pilgrims district (alright I know the Pilgrims were from Plymouth but these pilgrims were undercover pirates who sailed over to the Americas and founded the Bronx) are to be demolished to make way for the 'Big Brenda Opera House'. The lavish building has been designed by local architect Sir Christopher Biggins and will resemble an enormous Bra, giving a big boost to Portsmouth's waterfront.
Advertising Supplement
CAPTAIN'S DELIGHT SPONSORS CAST-IRON MAN COMPETITION
The makers of Portsmouth's latest drinking sensation Captain's Delight today announced a new sporting contest - the Cast-Iron Man. This new event will be an international championship for buccaneers of all persuasions to test out their pirating skills.
The competitors will be required to be keelhauled and then swim 3 miles through shark infested waters, then run 5 miles along a beach dragging a heavy treasure chest which they must bury in the sand at the end of the run, then they have to make a visit to Madamme Fifi's where their "performance" will be scored, then race across to the Dribbling Parrot where they have to tell a brand new salty old tale to entertain the crowd, while drinking 6 pints of the house ale "Crusty Old and Yellow", then out into the high street and a quick run back down to the docks where they will select a rowboat and row out to the middle of the harbour and capture the treasure ship lying at anchor there. The first pirate to raise the Jolly Rodger will be declared the winner.
The winning pirate, apart from the honour of being named the First International Cast-Iron Man will win a year's supply of Captain's Delight.
All competitors who finish the course will also win a case of Captain's Delight.
The competition is open to all Pirates upon payment of the small entry fee of 140 Dubloons.
Try Captain's Delight today, it's the finest rotgut available! Just 10 Dubloons a bottle from your nearest sly grog merchant.
BLACK BART DISAPPEARS
There is concern tonight over the disappearance of the celebrated Pirate Cap,n Black Bart.
Bart was last seen in The Admiral Benbow Pub where after a tankard of rum to many he challenged The Black Spot to a fight after he caught Spot leering at Pir-gella who Black Bart regards as his wench. This is despite the fact that it is Dave L who is known to be giving her a good seeing to.
Black Bart and The Black Spot left the pub for a fight out in a street. After half an hour The Black Spot returned to the tavern to finish his grog and said nowt. However, Black Bart never came back.
Friends of Black Bart of whom there are very few are now concerned about his welfare, these include the landlord of The Admiral Benbow who wishes to discuss an unpaid bill of 24 cases of rum. If you have any information on Bart's whereabouts please contact Portsmouth Police on 00000000, codeword pieces of eight.
TREASURE MAP STOLEN
The Portsmouth Buccaneer's Memorial Museum regretfully reports the theft of a priceless artifact known only as the Toadfish Island Treasure Map. The map, formerly under cold storage in the Museum vaults, is though to conceal the location of an invaluable treasure, but had proven indecipherable by even the Museum's scurviest blaggarts expert cryptocartologists.
Eyewitnesses report seeing 8 dark figures, 6 in hooded robes and 2 with burlap sacks over their heads, in the alley behind the Museum at the approximate time of the burglary. Due to the Museum's close proximity to The Admiral Benbow, the Portsmouth Police are on the lookout for 3 burglary suspects and one possible kidnapping victim.
A reward of 5,000 gold doubloons is offered for the immediate return of the Map.
BART DISAPPEARANCE, POLICE FIND A CLUE
Portsmouth Police investigating the mysterious disappearance of the celebrated pirate and town drunkard Black Bart have found what they believe to be a significant piece of evidence.
A book containing cooking recipes was found floating in Portsmouth Harbour. This book is believed to belong to Black Bart on account that all the pages have been ripped out except one which contains a recipe for Fish Head Stew. This book has been recovered and has been locked in a safe in the Police Station as this secret recipe would be expected to sell for a significant sum of money on arr bay.
Black Bart Denies his Disappearance
Speaking through the locked door of his cabin last night, Black Bart said he had never disapeared. He apologised to the people of Portsmouth for having given any impression of disappearing, and that this may have been due to fading as a result of age.
We tried to intice Black Bart to come out of hiding but with no success. It would seem that there is much truth in the old saying: 'Old Sailors Never Die They just Fade Away!'
Black Bart - A Statement
The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus wishes to make the following statement with regard to the reported disappearance of Black Bart.
When The Black Spot and Black Bart left The Admiral Benbow for their roll about in the gutter, they were caught by The Local Peelers and asked to DISPERSE. It would appear that our local reporter who was on the scene had a tankard of ale to many and thought Black Bart had been asked to DISAPPEAR.
In normal circumstances this paper would offer unconditional apologies to Black Bart with regard to untruths printed but as Bart is a lying, thieving dirty, rotten, scheming piece of rats pooh we feel an apology is not warrented.
MIAOWS-DAY CULT EXPOSED - TIDDLES IMPLICATED
Mass arrests at the Portsmouth dock yesterday after an evil cult was exposed conducting weird practices. Cult members, all possessed with glowing red eyes were found clawing cushions, drinking saucers of milk and worshiping replica models of 'The Arghhh 9000'.
When questioned by Portsmouth Police, all members replied with incoherent 'meeeoowing'. Welsh interepreters were later employed to determine more detailed information.
Portsmouth Argghhh-gus investigations revealed the likely leader of the 'Miaows-day Cult' to be none other than Mr Tiddles Gingerpuss of no fixed address, c/- Sargasso Sea, as the likely culprit.
Mr Tiddles is currently being sought over a number of other offences including, High Treason, Mutineering, Murder, Robbery and snorting cat biscuits up his nostrils.
Investigations are continuing...
Court Report
Pensioner and grandfather of Mr Brutus Cullinane, a highly esteemened local headmaster, Chillingworth Cullinane, was sentenced to 6 months swabbing the deck of the Portsmouth Belle today for growing poppies in his back garden.
The town council stated that his sentence will be suspended as plans for the Portsmouth Belle are still in the planning stage. Asked why this ship is so far behind schedule the council claimed that a shortage of drawing boards was causing problems. Several council drawing boards apparently went missing around the time one of the new schools in Portsmouth opened. There is not thought to be a link between the two events.
Mr Challingesworth Cullinane told the court that bending over to pick Poppies helped with his arthritis and the court took this into consideration when sentencing.
Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus Small Ads:
Quest Helper Required - Salary: 4 Dubloons a week
Free Health Care (all the paracetamols ye can eat)
Experience of warding off evil, fighting giant rabbits, map reading and frying Red Herrings desirable.
Applications to: Black Bart, The Big Brenda, Currently anchored off The Dry Tortugas.
PORTSMOUTH BUSINESS REPORT
Sales of the newest product from PPPS Distilleries Captain's Delight have continued to defy all expectation. Production at the distillery has been moved to a three shift rotation to provide continuous output. Despite the enormous production it appears that demand is exceeding supply and many sly grog merchants report that they have been able to auction off available bottles to thirsty pirates for spectacular amounts. Our reporter has heard that PPPS will soon be installing one of the new generation mega-stills in order to keep up with supply.
In an unrelated report it seems that there has been a run on rat poison in the Portsmouth area. Even though there appears to be no signs of a major rat infestation, it seems that some unknown buyer is snapping up all available supplies. The Aaarrrrggghhhus will continue to probe this mystery and will report back to our readers when we have found out what is going on.
ARTS AND CULTURE SECTION
Portsmouth Pirates put on a show
Aaarrrrggghhhus reporters were out in force last night to cover the opening of the new nightspot in town 'ye will be ripped off' which is the new collaboration by those celebrated pirates The Black Spot and Black Bart.
The opening of the club was slightly delayed as The Black Spot tried to force his way in by attacking the bouncers with his cutlass. However, after being taken to one side and told he could enter free of charge as it was his club the Black Spot grunted and walked into the club demanding a drink.
Invited guests were treated to a 5 course meal the highlight of which was Black Bart's new recipe Le mauvais Ragoût de Tête de Poisson and didn't seem to mind that it tasted of Rat droppings dipped in Pig swill.
At the end of the evening there was a live cabaret of buxom wenches singing sea shanties. By this time the audience were all roaring drunk and after the ensuing orgy and ritual smashing up of the club it was announced that 'ye will be ripped off' will be closed until further notice to carry our urgent repairs.
We are unable to report any more information as our ace reporter was last seen under a table with a case of grog and half of the cabaret.
RESIDENTS PROTEST AGAINST VIOLENCE ENDS IN VIOLENCE
A march in the city centre by up to 10,000 Portsmouth residents protesting against the lawlessness and violence in the city took place yesterday. Not surprisingly the march descended into violence culminating in a full scale riot.
The march started peaceful enough as many white collar citizens from Portsmouth's more wealthy areas walked into the city centre on a fine spring day. However their message as displayed on the many placards 'Get rid of the Pirate Vermin' was always likely to generate a violent response from some of Portsmouth's less salubrious citizens.
Several Pirate Cap'n led by Dave L and The Black Spot swept into the city centre with hundreds of their most desperate and evil swabs behind them all bent on murder and destruction.
The Portsmouth Police acting on an anonymous tip by Dave L wisely stayed away and consequently not one of their number was amongst the 5000 citizens slain during the orgy of violence. Those citizens fortunate enough to escape with their lives were captured by the pirates and are now destined to spend the rest of their miserable lives at sea.
The leader of the Residents Action Group who also wisely stayed well clear of the city centre was unavailable for comment afterwards but was not expected to initiate another protest.
ELVISMANIA HITS PORTSMOUTH
There were wild scenes in Portsmouth last night as Elvis Pegsley opened his world tour in the Scurvy Rex Stadium.
Thousands of teenage girls screamed and swooned as "The King of Cock and Bull" belted out a string of his greatest hits. The set included his number 1 hits "Blue Suede Pegleg" and "Return to Brenda", as well as old favourites like "You Aint Nuthin' But a Bilge Rat" and "A Whole lot of Floggin' Going On".
After the concert, Mr Pegsley was seen signing autographs on the way to his stretch carriage. He disappeared shortly after being surrounded by several burly men.
STOP PRESS
ELVIS PEGSLEY KIDNAPPED.
A badly spelled ransom note
has been delivered to
Elvis Pegsley's manager.
Police will issue a statement
once they have deciphered what
the note says.
I though we were doing enough damage to Portsmouth's reputation but good old Boris Johnson has just topped us. have a look at this:
http://www.politics.co.uk/news/party-politics/party-politics/boris-portsmouth-full-drugs-and-obesity-$470231.htm (http://www.politics.co.uk/news/party-politics/party-politics/boris-portsmouth-full-drugs-and-obesity-$470231.htm)
The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus Editorial Corrections
The Aaarrrrggghhhus apologises for an error in yesterday's edition. An unknown person, thought to be going under the pseudonym Black Bart, broke into the Aaarrrrggghhhus offices. Unfortunately we were unable to prevent him slipping salacious rumours about one of our leading politicians into our computer prior to going to press. The article should have course have referred to Borat Johnson.
CAPTAIN HOSSENFEFFER PLOTS REVENGE
Mystery abounds as to the mysterious whereabouts of Captain Hossenfeffer, the original hero of the Continuous Briny Fable (nee Continuous Salty Tale).
Captain H. as he was subsequently known was abruptly written out of the story when it was decided that was determined be 'not smutty enough' (Quote: Black Bart).
The story hence descended into a bawdy romp involving DaveL and Bart's smutty rampage through Portsmouth, wenching problems and an endless inneuno-athon involving many inanimate objects including sausages, fruit, wobbling blancmanges and zucchinis.
Speaking from his hidden abode, the rather puritanical Capn H has decreed:
'That bleedin story was never the same once those bleedin pirates got smutty. Even Sinhoff me parrot was shocked at the dirty insinuations bein made. Oi vow to rid the Briny Fable of any further smuttiness before it's too late. Oi'll sue yer bleedin hides yer blaggards!'
In response both DaveL and Black Bart have issued the followin' statement.
'Capn H, you were a boring old git and deserved to be written out. Smuttiness sells, so get over it. You are welcome back, but only if yer raunch up yer act.'
Proceedings in the Scurvy Disciplinary Court may ensue. We will update you of further developments.
GET JOHNSON CRY ANGRY PORTSMOUTH COUNCILLORS
Eccentric British Member of Parliament Boris Johnson faces a trip to see the sharks after some ill advised comments (below) relating to the city of Portsmouth.
"The streets are full of rain. Poor bedraggled students splash across the campus in search of their lectures on feminism and media studies.
"Here we are in one of the most depressed downs in southern England, a place that is arguably too full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs."
Portsmouth City Council have offered a 100 dubloon reward to any Pirate who can capture the blond buffoon and throw him to the sharks.
YYYAARRRR...I think we be avin an effect, here's another quote from the Borat Johnson article:
"A Conservative spokeswoman said: "According to the government's own figures, Portsmouth suffers the third highest level of deprivation and the fifth highest crime rate in the whole of the south east of England."
LOCAL RESIDENT "OUTRAGED" BY PORTSMOUTH CRIME STATISTICS
Local resident Cap'n Cronan expressed disgust over Borat Johnson's claim that Portsmouth had the fifth highest crime rate in SE England.
"It be disgustin' what 'ee said," said Cap'n Cronan. "'Ow dare 'ee open 'is fat greazy mouth an' say fings like what 'ee did." Pausing momentarily to swallow a fish head, Cap'n Cronan continued "I've worked me fingers to the bone to make this town what it be, an' this Borat bloke waddles over an' vomits over what we've achieved. Let 'im come 'ere an' apologise I sez! We'll show this rancid landlubber that our crime rate be second to none!"
With that, Cap'n Cronan set fire to an effigy of Borat Johnson, and fired a cannon in the direction of the local post office.
Borat Johnson's office later confirmed that Mr Johnson would visit Portsmouth in person later that day.
STOP PRESS
Borat Johnson kidnapped during a
goodwill visit to a Portsmouth tavern.
Police say they are looking for a
large, brutish looking thug. This means
that half the town is under suspicion.
PUBLIC NOTICES
Portsmouth Pirate Public School Distillers Inc (Makers of Portsmouth's favourite tipple,
Captain's Delight) wish it to be publicly known that no-one from PPPSD Inc was in any way involved in the kidnap of Mr Borat Johnson, even though the term "large, brutish looking thug" is an apt description of many of the senior boys and even if Johnson is a despicable low-down bottom-dwelling muckraking rearranger of the truth. Furthermore PPPSD Inc wishes it to be known that the said Mr Johnson is
not being held in the deepest darkest dungeon of PPPS (at the end of the corridor, having taken the first left after descending the stairs behind the hidden door in the wood pannelling on the north wall of the Distillery Master's office anteroom) nor is he being tortured with bowls of fish head stew and extra strong experimental versions of
Captain's Delight and furthermore he is not now a broken-down deranged wreck of a man who doesn't know his @rseh*le from breakfast.
Ther orginisers of th' "British Upper Class Twit of the Year" contest wish ter appeal to th' kidnappers of Borat Johnson fer his release in toime fer th' next UCTOTY competition.
It's not that they really WANT him back, but they'd saved a few pence by havin' his name inscribed on th' trophy for th' next 10 years all at one go, an' it wood be embarrasin' to have to award it in absentia, no matter 'ow much 'ee be deservin' it.
They are not partic'lar as to his condition, as long as they can prop 'im up to acksept his trophy.
Pirate Photo Competition Phone Vote Scandal
The Black Spot, well known to our readers, received an unusually large phone bill (rumoured to be around 3 billion Cronins), timed and dated for a period after voting closed, apparently made to the Pirate Photo Competition phone line.
Judges for the competition have told our reporters that there was no phone vote system in place.
Enquiries continue.
FIRE AT TELEPHONE COMPANY
A mysterious fire broke out in the accounts department of the Portsmouth Telephone Company last night. No one was injured in the blaze, but all the company's financial records for the last two months have been completely destroyed.
The fire seemed to have been caused by several molotov cocktails and a barrel of gunpowder being hurled through the window. A very vocal one legged man was seen leaving the vicinity shouting about the size of his phone bill.
Police are not treating the incident as being suspicious. Fingering a large brown envelope, the Chief of Police said "Accidents happen all the time".
Mayor Liversausage seen coming out of Madame Fifi's with Elvis shock!
It has been some weeks since Mayor Ken Liversausage was kidnapped (again) and speculation has been growing as to the fate of the Mayor. A garbled and desperate message was transmitted on Radio TalkPort, but there has been no word from the kidnapper(s)for some time.
The only bit of Mr Liversausage to have turned up so far is his left ear, and police forensics have refused to confirm that the ear is indeed human. We asked the Chief of police Norman Van Gogh if he would like an example of such a human organ to compare, he said: 'No thanks, I've got one ere'.
But now a member of the public has reported a definite sighting of the Mayor in Portsmouth. A Mr (Dodgy) Dave L has writtten in to say, Quote:
'I was coming out of The Admiral Benbow tavern at about 11.30pm when I clearly saw Mr Liversausage leaving Madame Fifi's establishment in the company of none other than Elvis Presley.'
When Mr L, of no fixed abode, was asked how he knew it was the King, he replied:
'The King...Sufferin barnacles, he was only the Mayor when I went into the pub!'
ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT SECTION
GUNS n FISH HEADS Live at the Admiral Benbow Portsmouth
The newly formed thrash metal band Guns n Fish Heads played their first gig at The Admiral Benbow Portsmouth last night. The band are:
Lead Singer - Anchor - (otherwise known as Dave L)
Lead Guitar – Plank – (otherwise known as Calico Jack)
Bass Guitar – Galley – (otherwise known as Black Bart)
Drums – Rigging - (otherwise known as The Black Spot)
It was a curious crowd of thrash metal fans and drunken locals that poured into the Admiral Benbow for the first ever gig by newly formed Guns n Fish Heads. The band certainly made an entrance, as in a parody of over rated 80s band Kiss they entered the stage in full dress costume, all choosing to adorn themselves in Pirate regalia. The beetroot faced old drunk sitting next to me said they always dress like that but I ignored the old fool, image is everything in this business and Guns n Fish Heads have created their own unique look.
The lead singer Anchor ensured the rapport with the audience was lively by declaring "we are goin ter play some tunes an yer lazy blaggards are goin to clap an sing along ter all of em and if yer don't we'll shoot yer all an feed yer bits to the sharks". I thought it was a clever joke to get the audience going but strangely no one was laughing.
Then Plank took centre stage and played a guitar solo of mind numbing volume that somewhere contained a riff though I couldn't detect one. Anchor then began to sing, except it wasn't singing it was some illegible grunt. Rigging meanwhile was going crazy on the Drum Kit, though (and it must be my eyes deceiving me) it seemed the drum sticks appeared to be made of human bones.
This inept performance continued for the entire concert and the strange thing was that the audience kept crying for more. In fact they went wild when Galley took centre stage and there was I waiting for something dramatic to happen but no, he reached into his pocket and started throwing fish heads into the crowd.
At the end of the concert I was left with a deep feeling of dissatisfaction, all that hype and yet it was the most musically inept concert I have ever been forced to endure. Another strange thing is that when I returned to the Aaarrrrggghhhus offices I was advised by my editor not to publish this piece but I thought no chance, the citizens of Portsmouth have a right to know when they are being ripped off.
Aaarrrrggghhhus Entertainment Reporter Bashed
Less than an hour after our last edition hit the streets of Portsmouth last night, our Entertainment Reporter Fearless Freddie was bashed by several assailants as he left to go home. Freddie said from his hospital bed "Oi didunt wreely get a good look at 'em, but Oi'm pretty shure there woz four of em. One 'ad an Orstralian accent, there were a terrible smell o' fish 'eds about annuvva wun an' the uvva too swore loike, well, pirates." Police say that there is insufficient evidence to go on so far and have called for civic minded pirates who may have witnessed a "fraces" behind the Aaarrrrggghhhus offices last night and who have a death wish to come forward to assist with inquiries.
Freddie is expected to make a full recovery after surgery later today to remove the three empty Captains Delight bottles.
POSITIONS VACANT
Entertainment Reporter
Leading Portsmouth media enterprise seeks talented professional to provide coverage of entertainment events. Must be brainless, have no fear and be able to put more then two words together at a time.
Contact The Editor, PO Box 2397, Portsmouth
Quote from: Black Bart on May 01, 2007, 01:56:10 PM
Mayor Liversausage seen coming out of Madame Fifi's with Elvis shock!
Dear Editor of the AAARRRRGHHHUS
I refer to the above article in which you referred to a 'Mr Elvis Presley'. No such person exists, no such number, no such zone...I therefore assume that you were actually referring to Elvis Pegsley, erstwhile entertainer of Portsmouth.
Yours Sincerely
Priscilla Pegsley
AAARRRRGGGHHHUS UNVEILS NEW SHOWBIZ REPORTER
The Arrrgggghhhhus is proud to announce the appointment of its new Showbiz Correspondant, Jake "Scoop" Patterson.
The hard nosed, no nonsense reporter made his intentions clear in an interview he held this morning.
"The people of Portsmouth are sick of all the lies and spin that they hear in the news," he said. "They want the straight facts, and I'm going to give them the truth."
Pushing his trilby hat back on his head, Scoop continued "This city is rife with corruption. I'm gonna dig up the dirt in this city, and no-one's gonna stop me. Even now, my network of reporters are getting the goods on the slimeballs that run this city. Now, if you'll excuse me gentlemen, I have work to do."
With that, Scoop spat out his cigar butt, fastened his trench coat, and shuffled away.
STOP PRESS
SCOOP PATTERSON ARRESTED
FOR CORRUPTION.
Police say a fat brown envelope and
a glowing review of a Guns n Fishheads
concert have been discovered next to the
whiskey bottle in his filing cabinet.
LOCAL ELECTION SHOCK HORROR
Portsmouth council declared early this morning in the local council elections. Pirates of the Carribean 10,906; Pirates Brown Doo Dahs Party 306; Socialist Pirates Free Our Cabin Boys 4,507; Cronin Democratic Sink Party 101; Nationalist Peg Legs 15,455.
Townsfolk complained at the length of time the declaration took as all results were announced in every party's local pirate dialect. Fights broke out due to misunderstandings as translators struggled with the difficult pronounciation of the Cronin Democratic Sink Party dialect. Two translators were removed for drunkeness.
The Nationalist Peg Legs gained all their seats from the other parties. The main swing was from the Socialist Pirates Free Our Cabin Boys who have proved extremely unpopular.
The people of Portsmouth have high hopes that the success of the Nationalist Peg Legs will be reflected in the next General Election.
The Peg Legs partied all night celebrating the optimistic platform they have created for launching their National campaign.
Black Bart stranded on Iceberg with 200 penguins Shock
After an untypical disaster at sea, reports have come in that Black Bart's ship hit an iceberg and sank, leaving him stranded on the ice with about 200 penguins. On hearing of the disaster Portsmouth's seafaring community rushed into action and rented out Bart's lodgings and moorings.
Special offer with this newspaper, limited edtion: 'Save Black Bart' T Shirt and souvenir bandana.
CLIMATOLOGISTS BAFFLED BY STRANGE BREAKUP OF ICEBERG
Climate change scientists last night admitted that they were baffled by the sudden breaking up of a large iceberg.
"It really is odd," said Professor Tweedjacket. "This new dramatic form of global warming has only affected this one iceberg. Rather than the usual cleaving of ice, this iceberg looks as if it has come under heavy bombardment. It's almost as if several ships launched an all out attack on the 'berg."
Professor Tweedjacket said that it was fortunate that icebergs are uninhabited.
TEACHER ABUSE RIFE!
Shocking allegations tonight were being levelled at Portsmouth Pirate Public School regarding the maltreatment of staff by unruly students.
An anonymous complainant only known as Mr T.C. recently underwent surgery for the removal of a mysterious object, following a recent 'Ask-me-anything-about-Pirates 101' class.
When questioned as to the nature fo Mr T.C.'s injuries, a Portsmouth Hospital spokesman simply stated:
'Those students sure learn fast with bottles! The injuries sustained by Mr T.C. would do the Dark Avenger proud.'
Mr T.C is expected to make a full recovery...apart from the fact he will not be able to sit down for several months.
Investigations are continuing.
Naval Flotilla sunk by strange Iceberg-like craft.
The Royal Naval base at Portsmouth have revealed that a flotilla of frigates has been sunk in the North atlantic. The frigates were on a mission to find kidnapped Mayor of Portsmouth Ken Liversausage. The sole survivor of the attack 'Midshipman John O'Leary' said the ships came under attack from what appeared to be a large iceberg!
Mr O'Leary is being treated for shock at the sickbay in Portsmouth and is apparently given to strange utterances and outbursts such as: "The penguins are comin" and "It's Ice, but not as we know it!"
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Cronan named as new Captain of Cutty SarkIn a suprise move by the Greenwich Board of Trade and Shipping, J Cronan was named as the new Captain of the Clipper Cutty Sark. His first voyage will be to...<phone rings>
...bugger, I never get the good stories first!
Portsmouth Harbour Speed Restriction
COUNCIL ANNOUNCEMENT
Henceforthwith, no ship may exceed 0.000000005463524 knots in the Harbour.
R. Arbuthknott Esq.
T. Piggerswill
H. Potter
Portsmouth Pirate Public School Crisis Deepens
Following reports that Principal Cullinane is being impersonated by someone known only as BB, The Argus have uncovered a bundle of files which may or may not be related.
The Portcress Files reveal a series of large payments going into Cullinane's bank account from a secret account at the Admiralty. It appears that in return Cullinane has been supplying the Admiralty with highly trained and equiped Young Pirates for some kind of protection racket. However, the amounts are too large to account for total cost of the supply of YOPs and it is suspected that Cullinane may have had some other use for the rest of the money. Investigators have been discouraged from looking further into this but the Argus will stop at nothing to get at the truth.
Portrait of Principal Cullinane a Rip Off claims Ken Liversausage
In a damning outburst last night, Mayor Ken Liversausage claimed the new portrait of Portsmouth Pirate School Principal Cullinane is a big rip off. The painting has reportedly cost the education authority 400,000 Cronans. The mayor urged the School Board not to pay up and to throw the picture into the harbour.
A spokesman for the School (a Mr Bartholemew Blacklist) retorted that the painting was a superb likeness and would get pride of place in the School Hall. Mr BB told our reporter: "I am sure the picture will grow on people when it is hung up in the hall...especially as the real principal is hanging up somewhere...I mean it will instill pride and loyalty in our pupils."
The debate rages on.
ART CRITIC SAVAGES PORTRAIT
Brian Sewer, The Arrrghhus' Art Critic, last night joined in the controversy surrounding the school portrait.
Looking down his nose, Mr Sewer was dismissive of the portrait. "It's an obvious fabrication," he sniffed. "I've been to a wine tasting with Principal Culliane, and I can assure you that his eyes aren't as piggy looking as in this portrait. Well, not after the first few bottles anyway."
Portsmouth Artist Defends His Masterpiece
Clearly stung by recent critisism in the press, Portsmouth artist Ivor Gotoneear spoke out in defence of the work last night. He told our reporter:
"How was I to know the fellar was an imposter, he showed me his credentials...I had to tell him to put his clothes back on as I don't do nudes! I usually do Sunflowers or Chairs so this Pirate bloke was a bit of a departure and he insisted on that cheesy pose. When I said Oil or Gouache he gave me a funny look and said 'Fishe Stew, open the windows a bit!'
If anyone's hinterested I do Weddings, Bar mitzvahs and Animal Portraits aswell...Ivor Gotoneear lives at 4, The Rattery Mews, just behind the Maggot Farm.
::::::special to the Aaarrrrggghhhus:::::::
By: Mad Willum Bonney , special correspondent
T ' ARRR! Mateys! DARR! 4,000th Annal Pirats Choiz 'Wards be a rite posh o'fARR , all doh oi #@$!%&* CUDDINT GIT NO @&%# MOORING! !@#%$!
ahem
All yARR favARRite pirats be dARR winnin all koines o' pillaging en such .
Lotsa ships of renoown be dARR ! ...... loike dat dARR wun....an' dat wun ......an' dat wun.
En all koines o' peeepole be dARR!
En lotsa dem be wARR!in' shinny new gARRmints en such.
DARR! wuz moosic en han'clappin' en celebrashun' en such.
Lotsa FREE piratety plunder en such.
DARR ! wuz dat famuff blade shARR!pinin' guy frum de oarint wurkin' fARR free . Butz I cudint GIT INTA DA @#%$& BLUDDY! @#$%& LINE !!
I wuz gitten wurked up untills all da free grog 'gin a flowin'.
Fur cumplet storys frum all da correspondintz covrin' all da venyews , finda shinnyl insert en tommARRows speshul morn editshun.
Mad Willum Bonney at ye service, yarr!
4,000Th ANNUAL PIRATES CHOICE AWARDS
::::::::special correspondent : Olive OI::::::::Olive Oyl:" OOOOOOOoooooo....Popeye ahahahaaa....whatsit llike to be most gentlemanly pirate OOOOOOOoooooo...... "
Popeye: "Ahhhh gagagaga...nefferen me lifes doz eyes specs ta be named most gento minty pie rat . On topsa da meddle and treasure chest eyes gotsa new pipe and crate o' spinach pies."
OO: How will this affect yore life?
P: Ahh gagagaga...Nuttin 'much be change Olives ,ceptin' eyes dont haffa sell al me wurly possesshuns.
OO: Every pirate is here Popeye! Its so exciting....look here comes Saucy Gert!
P:
Whoaaa.........................................
DAVE L IS GENTLE CLAIMS WENCH
In a savage attack on the notorious Pirate Dave L, Pir-gella has revealed the details of their relationship to our correspondent.
Pir-gella sat on a chair and dreamily claimed that Dave L was the love of her life. He was gentle, attentive, bought her flowers, listened to her woes and always held her hand and looked lovingly into her eyes. He always held the door open for her and refused to consummate their relationship until they were married.
The Aaarrrrggghhhus has attempted to contact Dave L to confirm these outrageous allegations but were advised that Dave L wanted to spend some time with his crew to try to rebuild his shattered reputation.
PIRATES RAMPAGE AT BOTANY BAY
The Aaarrrrggghhhus's New South Wales correspondant today reports that a wild mob of what witnesses have described as "pirates" swept through the colony leaving a trail of wonton destruction. Apparently a three masted brigantine, believed to be one of the new Aaaarrrgghhhh 9000+ class, dropped anchor just off Kurnell and a mob of drunken swabs lead by a very strange apparition in a pink tutu rowed ashore in the ship's long boat. They then proceeded along the shore accosting innocent citizens going about their lawful business and relieving them of any valuables. The deranged mob then hijacked a bus forcing the driver to take them to The Rocks where they caused a disturbance at the well known Sydney watering hole, The Hero of Waterloo. Subsequently there were reports of a commotion at the Oxford Hotel, but witnesses outside say that for some reason the mob were considerably subdued upon leaving this famous hotel. Later in the evening King's Cross police reported that there were a number of complaints from patrons of a "Pink Pussy Cat Club" and that the mob responsible were ejected for being too unruly even for that fine venue. At last reports the gang were trying to catch a taxi "back to Portsmouth" (seemingly unaware of their position in relation to that place) apparently to visit a "Madame Fifi's", that the gang were comparing various Pott's Point Establishments with, and rather unfavourably too.
YArrrrr...
That acurately describes a few of me nights out in Sydney to a tee. Well everything, except that I've never visited the Hero of Waterloo ;D
YYYAAARRR... I had the pleasure of a night out in Sydney once...Bondi Beach and Baramundi fish...a bit nicer than Fish Head Stew!
RAISED FROM THE DEAD!
There was horror this week as a message board rose from the dead.
After being pronounced dead a year ago, the dessicated husk returned to life.
"It was horrible," said a moderator. "One moment I was happily reading one post a day, then suddenly hundreds of messages full of viciousness, smut and crude innuendo appeared on my screen."
Dr Dawkins Henderstein was unavailable for comment.
YArrrrghh,
Bleedin' raiding parties. Someone should arrest those guys!
POLITE NOTICE
There will be a line up for Pirates at 12 noon tomorrow. All those wishing to take part will have extra rations if picked out.
Corrections and Apologies
An accident at the printers led to the issuing of a Polite Notice. This should of course have read Police Notice.
RAIDING PARTY THE TALK OF THE TOWN
The old section of Portsmouth is abuzz with excitement today as news of the raid spread quickly through the area . Over 500 hundred tourists and 35 ensigns from various fleets showed up to view the carnage .
"...me wun eye be a tearing up...", said Wun Eyed Jack , " Eyed tought da town wuz dun fer sure....
" I was ready to close the restARRaunt" , said ChowMein , hadn't many guinea pigs since me regulars died from unknown causes , but i'm back in bizness!
"DAMNED TOURISTS!@#$%&" , screamed Mad Will Bonney , "wiff all the garbage days throws about..takin' up all the moorings...CAN"T GIT A DECENT SPOT NOMORES!@#$%& TOURISTS!"
'AHHHHgagagaga , Eyes jus' loves a pardy " , said a sqiunty fellow heavily laden with spinach.
Vermin Erradicated
The long difficult work undertaken by Portsmouth Council has finally brought peace and quiet to this precious city of ours. Statistics published today confirm there have been no citings of any Pirates for several weeks. Citizens have been out in the streets celebrating leaving a new problem for the council who have previously relied on the scurvy scavangers to rid the city of debris.
YArrrrr...
Maybe the Dark Avenger did it. 'spesially after what The Black Spot dids to 'im.
NO SUMMER TIL 1880 SHOCK
The Portsmouth met office today predicted there will be no hot weather til 1880. The unusual climactic conditions were blamed on Carbon emissions from factories...er factory (Bart Industries Fish Head Stew factory). The thick green smoke emanating from the chimney stacks of Bart Industries has formed a new layer in the upper atmosphere which scientists have dubbed 'The Bartosphere.'
Next week will be foggy with outbreaks of plague and scurvy.
A large front will be moving to the north west (Brenda is off to visit her sister) and a depression will be settling over Portsmouth.
Borat Johnson to run for mayor
In a spectacular political twist, local looney Borat Johnson has put himself forward as a candidate for the Mayorship of Portsmouth. An outspoken critic of Portsmouth's crime figures, Mr Johnson has survived a kidnapping and fourteen attempts on his life...all by local pirates!
Borat spoke out against the present mayor 'Ken Liversausage': "He's nothing but a womaniser and a fool and I don't think he even went to a public school."
Mr Borat Johnson has been 'British Upper Class Twit of the Year' for the last 3 years.
CALICO JACK ! Lost At Sea ?
Townsfolk are a gossiping about the whereabouts of Calico Jack , notorious pirate . Our guest reporter , Mad Will is on the muddy streets searching for answers.
Tarr! mateys , I be fining Jack fer ye ..." Hey ! You lot ! Ware be Jack !.....
.....Well....day dont node ware he be....
Several Bodies Washed Ashore
The remains of several unidentified humans and a cat were washed ashore last night. The bodies were all entangled but it has been established that several legs are missing. Assistance in identification may be required.
Search for Calico Jack Continues
::::Guest reporter : Mad Will :::
@#$%! Dang it all ! , I looked at sum fresh corpses but Jack not be dARR! .
Now I'm goan look over dARR !....Ye see dat run down howse dARR ...well Jack taint dARR nedder .
Old Section of Portsmouth Conspiring Against Pirates ?
This reporter on a recent stroll through the old section of Portsmouth found himself barred from sending bottle messages to the pirates at sea or speaking openly in any public places .
I must ask , has any other denizen of New Portsmouth been treated in the same manner ?
The town crier stated that I could not make any statements whatsoever so soon after my last communique which was 18 hours past .
It is the opinion of this reporter that the town's council is bias against the pirates This is an affront to those that have contributed so much to the towns growth and prosperity .
Is a conspiracy afoot ? The raiding party must have made the town council very frightened indeed of the nefarious group .
This reporters theorizes that council members Robart Tiddypoopydoodle Hendersnottyton III and Gasbagage Bacniffer Noshamham are responsible !
BIG RON DOES ONE TOO MANY
Town residents are up in arms over Big Ron's gaseous emissions, coming from his butcher store. The green haze could be seen for miles out to sea.
Reporters discovered that Big Ron had been out with the Butchery fraternity for a vindaloo night and the side effects were disasterous.
Police have cordoned off the street and have employed large ventilation fans to disperse the vapours.
Portsmouth Sewage Treatment plant is expecting the end result any minute now.
Admiral Benbow Applauded For Sanitary Improvements ,
Town Council , residents , patrons and staff of the Benbow were delighted at Saucy Gert Pettigrew's recent idea of self emptying spittons .
" with one good eye and all I tends to miss if someone moves it a foot or two " , said WunEyed Jack .
"Yarrr! Wen I falls into em now I wont drown " , said an anonymous pirate.
"Yarr! I wont break me neck frum all the flooding , some of them be mighty full an slippy " , said his unnamed companion .
THE RAGING QUEEN TERRORIZES PORTSMOUTH !
Seaman from the most feared of all vessels , " The Raging Queen " , went on a rampage at dawn , throwing rocks everywhere .
" This looks so much better , and we are not throwing rocks , we are paving the streets with cobblestone . " , replied Capn Lance .
" Do you think this one should go over there ? "
Frog Pirates to visit Postsmouth
Officials confirmed that the crew of the Bony Part will be at dock some time this evening .
Apparently they wish to sample the fare of New Section 's restARRaunts and entARRtainment notables .
Cap'n cronan returns from Spanish Holiday!
Panic buyin of Life Jackets broke out in Portsmouth as rumours of Cap'n Cronan's return abounded. After an uncharacteristic dry spell in the Portsmouth area with almost clear skies and no fog, there were reports of storms and tempests gatherin ahead of the fearsome Pirate's return.
Mrs Bucket of the Portsmouth branch of AAARRRRGUS said "we allways does a brisk trade in loif jackets and floatation aids this toim of year..don't seem to do the poor buggers no good though, they all drowns anyway!"
Portsmouth Receives State-of-the-Art Architecture and Design Center
Overnight, a large new structure mysteriously appeared in central Portsmouth.
(http://walrus.wr.usgs.gov/tsunami/srilanka05/images/Matara_landfill.jpg)
A scrap of paper in its immediate vicinity was discovered to apparently be a press release from the Famously Rich Architects United with Designers organization, or FRAUD. "We are proud to declare that we have selected Portsmouth as the winner of our urban renewal competition, and have accordingly dumped erected a state-of-the-art center for the advancement of architecture and design. We are very excited to be able to contribute to the modernization of such a ratty vibrant community, and feel that the cutting-edge design and construction of the center will fit right into the Portsmouth scene."
Attempts to contact FRAUD yielded no further comment, as the organization's spokesperson claimed to represent Tony's Trash Collection Services, Inc.
In other news, unusually large swarms of flies have been sighted in the Portsmouth area.
"Frog Pirates A Delight" , say local restARRaunteers!
Members of the Portsmouth Business Association were aflutter over the Frog Pirates , " Tastes loike chicken " , remarked Calico Jack .
The Queen's Record body Count
Portsmouth General announced earlier today that the Raging Queen's recent rampage of terror through Portsmouth resulted in 74 injured pirates .
" Twas 'orrible " , said The Black Spot ," thee Benbow be full dat nite , most alla injuries be frum us trying ta git away ".
Indeed , scores of broken peglegs tell the tale of the carnage wrought forth from these monsterous pirates.
" I neffer be able ta sleep agin " , said WalkThe Plank who was caught and bathed , " the shame of it all ".
" I bin violated " , said the naked Captain DaveL , " They took every piece a pink clothing I ever plundered .
@#$%&! Kweens , screamed Mad Will , " the bastids cleaned en polished da @#$@%$&! streets , I dun slup en crak me noggin.... damn #@%$! Raging Kween !
" MEN " ! , cried out Bluenose , " I say we band together an sink em with all dat Big Ron has rottin...ah... stored away !
With this all the pirates turned away sheepishly and gazed into their grog in silence . The forlorn Bluenose turned up his nose and hobbled out into the street. Moments later the sound of a crash , splintering wood and a cursing Bluenose echoed through the towne .
Towne Council has called an emergency meeting at 8 bells to discuss the problem .
The Bony Part Points at Portsmouth Gourmands !
The Captain of the Bony Part proclaimed with great emotion , and appeared very distraught as be hopped about the decks . He was not able to suppress the croaking during his fervent appeal for the safe return of his crew .
This alleged crew ," neffer shoad ip !" , burped a member of Portsmouth Fine Food Sampling Association .
When this reporter mentioned a larger group was formed to search , the PFFSA says ," red or white wine as marinate or brandy and flambe' will be to nights topic .
Pirates embroiled in TEA war
A full scale war as broken out on Verganza since the arrival of 'Tea' drinkers in Portsmouth. Portsmouth has been ravaged by mud slingin between the traditional Grog addled pirates and a new breed of clean livin Cliff Richard type Pirates what drink...TEA!!!! The battle has raged so long and hard that the Pirate Thread on verganza has overtaken the politics thread to become the second most popular thread on the discussion board.
Casualties have been high. The ringleader, a complete nonse, callin himself the Revereand Rowan Redbeard has suffered continual personal attacks from Black Bart and The Black Spot leavin him with a singed beard and a broken tea set!
Black Bart has had to post so much in the heat of battle, he's worn out several hooks and 5 scumsoft computer keyboards! There appears to be no end in sight to the war and ye can get a taste of it by playin the new Scumsoft/Cutlass game:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos_files/tea_drinkers.jpg)
This Just In
It seems that the esteemed physician on board the ship captained by none other than Black Bart himself (this journalist has shivers just thinking about BB being back in port), has put down his bone saw and picked up his cutlass in the Great Gawdawful Terrible Tea War or GGTTW as it is now becoming known as.
I was fortunate enought to catch up with Doc Angus George the well tanned and get this quote,
"GGAAAAHHHHH! Bein frum tha Boston Colony I kin sures understands tha issues me capin be 'avin wif TEA!!!! "scuse me now lassie whilst I runs some blaggards through wif me cutlass."
when last seen Doc Angus was chargin down beggars alley screaming, " I'll make ye fink tea ye finks!"
Cap'n Dave L takes Down a Looney in broad daylight
In a blood thirsty day in the Verganza Quarter of Portsmouth (always a no go area) there were terrible scenes of blood curdling horror as Pistol toting Cap'n Dave showed no mercy to the poor swab who'd lost his marbles thru eatin too much Fish Head Stew.
After days of sufferin the ramblings of the poor sailors deranged mind, which included Dancing Black Skeletons and Talking Green potatoes, Cap'n Dave finally snapped. The hapless swab was blasted off the pages of Venganza and into oblivion (ie baninated).
"Let that be a lesson to ye, yer mutinous swabs" said Cap'n Dave to the trembling mimions of the Pirate board...I don't fink he'll be having any more trouble...unless the Fish Head Stew madness strikes again!
Pirate Team wins Admiral Benbow Quiz
In a shock result at the Tuesday Night quiz, an all Pirate Team 'Henry Kelly's Heroes' won the first prize of 6 grog vouchers and an out of date pie. The all star team comprised of The Black Spot, Black Bart, Calico Jack, Captain Cronan and Green Cap'n Smith didn't get any of the questions right but the landlord was so terrified he handed over the prize to save his skin.
When asked to comment The Black Spot said: 'Same time, same place, next week...and same result or else!'
Black Bart shouted: 'Free Henry Kelly!'
Calico Jack said: 'What wig?'
Captain Cronan asked for a Brasso chaser from under the table...
...and Green Captain Smith recycled all the way home.
Editorial Note: Aaaaargh!! Green Cap'n Smith be wise not to rely on buses.
Captain Cronan's latest crew get set for voyage
(http://www.jonco48.com/blog/Seamen_20_28Sailing_20School_20Vessel_29_20.jpg)
We asked one of the sailors why none of the new crew were prepared to stand on the same deck as Captain Cronan!
"Aaarrrgh...To be sure...I'll be standin on the top spar fer the whole voyage." said Seaman O'Flagherty, "When the ship goes down I'll ave an extra half an hour to pray ta me god!"
TIDDLES STANDS FOR MUNICIPAL COUNCIL
In a surprise development in the Portsmouth Municipal Council Race, Tiddles called a press conference today to announce his candidacy.
"Meow, meow, meow! Hssst. Ffft. Prdrdrdrdowwwn. YOW!" _Tiddles told reporters in a prepared statement. The candidate took no questions and refused to divulge either his party affiliation or further details of his platform.
A Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus reporter has been embedded with Tiddles' entourage aboard the press dinghy. Stay tuned for more developments.
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Candidate_Tiddles.jpg)
Arrrr...that'll bring a tear to Dave L's eye. He seems to ave reformed a bit since these days:
(http://homepage.mac.com/antonyroberts/.Pictures/Daft%20images/Tiddle_war.jpg)
YArrrrrr...
Oi can think of a few psychotic murderers that have successfully run for office.
So Oi see no reason why Tiddles wouldn't make a wonderful mayor. Ye just need a good PR machine.
Arrrr, tis a dangerous office is Mayor...
Tiddles wouldn't be kidnapped, he's be catnapped!
Oi mus disagree. Tiddles'd send his 'bilge rat pack' after anywun wot troid ter kidnap 'im. They be desperate an fearsum bodyguards (http://www.savageearth.net/Rat2.jpg).
EEK!! Oi is scared !!!!
Editorial Apology
The above comment was inserted in this morning's edition in error.
Quote from: pieces o nine on February 26, 2008, 09:09:19 PM
Oi mus disagree. Tiddles'd send his 'bilge rat pack' after anywun wot troid ter kidnap 'im. They be desperate an fearsum bodyguards (http://www.savageearth.net/Rat2.jpg).
YArrrr...
Indeed they be more terrifyin than Oi pictured 'em. We'll have to remember that look when 'Tiddles The Movie' gets made.
The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus
Letters to Editor
Heditor:
Oi'd loike ter registerrr me hextreme disapproval wiv Principal Cullinane an thee Portsmouth Publick High School.
Oi was pursewayded ter send me cabbin bouys to PPHS in order fer them to learn ritin and figgurin, an becoz it be thee law in Portsmouth. Neckst fing oi nose, they be signin up fer the Hastronomie Clubbe, an needin ter acquire telescopes an star charts an such-loike, claimin hit wood pay off wen they elped navigate me ship. Soon arfter that hit be thee Glee Clubbe, an they be stain arfter scool an hextra noight each weeke ter sing shanties an hoperas.
Then thee Pyrate Scouts International showed up, an me cabbin bouys begged an pleeded ter be hallowed to join that. I shood ave put me peg leg down, but oi has a soft hearrrt fer me cabbin bouys, an oi loikes the cookies too. Anyways, oi now learns that me lads ave been hexcused from classes ter terrorize the citizenry in support o some nobbish mayoral cannidate! An do they have any booty ter show for hit? No! Wot koind of skoolin arrre they receevin?
The Mad Moggies Revenge be Tiddles supporters, an oi'll not be havin me lads sent out ter support ovver cannidates unner thee guys of earnin badges fer sivick duty! Me bouys don' need any stinkin badges! If sumfing isn't done habout this heleckshun -- witch has gone completely out ov control, in my hopinion -- oi'll be home-skoolin' me cabbin bouys an decloinin ter pay the PPHS hextorshun taxes.
In thee redde miasma ov rage,
Cap'n Pieces o Nine
<interruption>
SEMAPHORE MESSAGE
TO PRNCPL CLLNN
FM STLMSTR BN
PON SMS RTHR CRSS STP SHL I SND 3 XTR BXS CPNS DLIGHT QRY
BN
</interruption>
Royal Navy Gone Soft Shock
Read this article in our younger inferior sister paper:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article3736239.ece (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article3736239.ece)
aaaaaaar! Oi dunno Oo faught up this ere 'uman rites malarky. Ooever it wer desevrs a beetin'.
Mind, that Brazier MP chappy sez tern 'em over to the local authority. If them was turned over to my local authority they'd wish they nivver bin born. I got anovver letter demandin Oi pays up agin jest this week an fer wot? Nuffin as I ken see.
Black Bart in Recipe ScandalOur stalwart investigators have discovered the origins of Bart's Fishe-Head Stewe which has always been particularly obscure.
It is now known that, far from being an inspired dish, the Stewe is a simple
playg plagiarism.
Quote from: http://arts.guardian.co.uk/art/heritage/story/0,,2284520,00.html#article_continue
Fine dining
Instead of just boiling up a boar in a bronze cauldron, the Romans cooked fish, game and delicacies such as dormice served in ...................................including a rotted fish sauce that was imported in vast quantities in amphorae. Archaeologists who recreated the recipe do not recommend it.
Baaaargh...I wouldn't believe nuffin ye reads in the Grauniad or the Hobbserver...they probably got that stew bit orf me Dwyle Flonkin website! Just loik the piece about Richard III's Dwyle Flonkin fetish wot they printed in the Hobserver!
Bar Staff at Admiral Benbow Court Disaster
Following weeks of scuffles and over-crowding outside the Admiral Benbow Public House, all involving Portsmouth citizen Black Bart, magistrates have finally ordered bar staff to ban Bart from the premises, despite their protests that this will have an enormously detremental effect on their weekly takings.
The magistrates have also confiscated Bart's bicycle, subject to Bart producing a Cycling Proficiency Certificate. They stated in court that Bart's attempts to mount his cycle, outside the Benbow following several hours inside each evening, were drawing large crowds and bringing the Town into disrepute. They also stated that performance licences for several theatrical and musical organisations will not be granted in an attempt to supress the sub-culture that has been growing around Bart's problems, notably the Bart Foot in The Spoke Manouvre, the Bart Cross-Bar Puzzle and the Bart Reverse Saddle Wobble.
Portsmouth Aaaarggghhhus Small Ads
Missin Bikikle Klips Pleess Elp
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/30/Bicycle_Clips.jpg/180px-Bicycle_Clips.jpg)
Reward offered fer the return o these valuable items. Nuffin else stops the stolen rum fallin out o me trousers!
Intarrrgesting sityooatun, considerin' Bart nevver transports stolen rum in aught but 'is gullet.
SURPRISE RESULT IN PORTSMOUTH ELECTION!
The Portsmouth Electoral Office announced a surprise result today in the Portsmouth 08 election. Captain Bluenose was declared the winner with 95% of the vote. Newly elected Mayor Bluenose was greeted by huge crowds of cheering pirates and drunkards as he made a stirring speech in the town square, shortly after his inauguration. Mayor Bluenose promised reform to the liquor licensing laws in Portsmouth, outlawing the closing of any pub at any time, and mandating a happy "hour" during the second dog watch every day, as well as during the first, middle, forenoon, afternoon and first dog watches. During happy "hour" Mayor Bluenose declared that publicans will be required to serve grog in 50% larger glasses than normal and offer free Brasso chasers to drinkers of Captain's Delight (TM PPPS Distillers Inc.) while increasing prices by no more that a factor of three. This was met with enormous cheers from the surrounding throng - proving that pirates and drunkards are not very bright.
After his speech, mayor Bluenose retired to the Portsmouth Pirate Public School Distillery for some hard earned rest.
EXCLUSIVE INAUGURAL PHOTO!
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/6/68/Prydonian.jpg/225px-Prydonian.jpg)
Mayor-elect Bluenose shown above in his official mayoral robes, greeting the mobs ruffians crowds shortly before taking the "Oath ov Orifice"
Quote from: Bluenose on December 04, 2008, 10:25:42 PM
SURPRISE RESULT IN PORTSMOUTH ELECTION!
The Portsmouth Electoral Office announced a surprise result today in the Portsmouth 08 election. Captain Bluenose was declared the winner with 95% of the vote. Newly elected Mayor Bluenose was greeted by huge crowds of cheering pirates and drunkards as he made a stirring speech in the town square, shortly after his inauguration. Mayor Bluenose promised reform to the liquor licensing laws in Portsmouth, outlawing the closing of any pub at any time, and mandating a happy "hour" during the second dog watch every day, as well as during the first, middle, forenoon, afternoon and first dog watches. During happy "hour" Mayor Bluenose declared that publicans will be required to serve grog in 50% larger glasses than normal and offer free Brasso chasers to drinkers of Captain's Delight (TM PPPS Distillers Inc.) while increasing prices by no more that a factor of three. This was met with enormous cheers from the surrounding throng - proving that pirates and drunkards are not very bright.
After his speech, mayor Bluenose retired to the Portsmouth Pirate Public School Distillery for some hard earned rest.
And then Pam woke up as bobby turned the shower off. ye dreamin again ye bugger. 'sides we haint got no rensomed note yet!
CANDLES SET PORTSMOUTH ABLAZE
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/BartBirfday.gif)
Black Bart celebrates a half century of pillagin, jyint hat wearin, fish head stoo brewin, and writin of execrable weevil puns!
Quote from: pieces o nine on December 13, 2008, 05:24:10 PM
CANDLES SET PORTSMOUTH ABLAZE
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/BartBirfday.gif)
Black Bart celebrates a half century of pillagin, jyint hat wearin, fish head stoo brewin, and writin of execrable weevil puns!
The blaze still be a burnin as we speks---
PlayBilge and Hello Sailor magazine fight over rights to publish BB's Birthday Party photos.
Black Bart denied having been an idiot for 50 years...there was one year when he went to the Portsmouth School of Scrimshaw and Whittling when he behaved fairly sensibly with the hexcepshun of the lunch hours. He blames Dave L and The Black Spot for leadin him astray by hintroducin him to the nightly delights of Madame Fifi's and the daily delights of The Admiral Benbow.
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos%202_files/Learnpiracy_poster.jpg)
Dear Editor
I'd like to book all your photo pages for the next hundred years.
Yours
A Very Wealthy Person
Quote from: Black Bart on January 19, 2009, 02:21:05 PM
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos%202_files/Learnpiracy_poster.jpg)
Do ye take cheques?
They be good uns
I gots 'em out o Griffins post box this mornin
Course ye'd need to cash em rather quickly.
Do NOT, Oi repeet NOT, give 'im munney.
'E will jest spend it on drink drugs wimmin sheep, the dogs moor foto h'opportunitees.
Arrrrrgh...GIVE ME MUNNEEEE!
Editor's note:
Dear readers, when confonted by a great big ugly pirate in full regalia (tri-corn'd hat, frock coat, eye patch etc) brandishing assorted cutlasses and firearms yelling "GIVE ME MUNEEEE!" it is generaly considered safest to give him some coin of the realm in order to promote your lengevity.
Hey! Bartie! Go print yer own Munneee - if the Bank o' england can Oi'm sure ye can too !!!
arf! arf! arf! lessee 'im get lokked up fer it arf! arf!
Cap'n Cronan appears live on BBC TV Shock:
(http://web.mac.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/twerps_dwyle_flonking/Photos%203_files/Cronan_4.jpg)
I saw that and was amazed at how calm Kevin Whately was !!!!!!!!!!
Presumably he just had no idea who he was dealing with
Iggnerince is bliss.
Quote from: Griffin NoName on March 10, 2009, 08:08:52 PM
I saw that and was amazed at how calm Kevin Whately was !!!!!!!!!!
Presumably he just had no idea who he was dealing with
Arrgh poor Kevin...he's DOOOOOOOMED!
I saw a missed opportunity...revive Inspector Morse with Cronan in the lead role!
oh what ? like we would have reMorse ?
INVASION !New Portsmouth In A Panic
This reporter has discovered that Auntie Blackbeard's NefyooBB has discovered New Portsmouth !
In an exclusive interview his intentions are made very clear ," i coman ye ta fetch me uh grild cheze sammich oar um goona ban ya ! fank ye yer welkum ."
Pirates Flee Portsmouth
Flash News: Ships 'av bin leavin' the 'arber at a furius rate o' knotts. Tavern's business 'as bin takin' a dive too.
AHHH WOoooh ! Exclaims NefyuBB
sayd tha
dreedid
pyrit
nefyoo
buck
an
ear hewoe neyubb ::) :P
um goon ta pillj yer stuff an pway gamz an stuff
yyyhrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrr
rryyuRRrrrR!
nowe hanover yer eyes screem
an sum woot beh
fank ye yer welkum plez :P
Bane Of Portsmouth Invades Towne !
Wythe a bloode curdling "Y rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" thee dreed buccuneer NefyuBB aka NefYoo Black Bleard aka NefyU aka NefYooBB aka NefYoo aka That Brat aka *%$#*!
, waddled uppe Main Street headed for thee Olde Ice Creame Emporium Shoppe Inc.
Whilst supporting a full diaper wythe one hand and brandishing flotsam wythe thee other.
Residents are advised to maintainest a safe distance as thee diapers contents may be toxic due to bilge rat ande fishe heades .
me dyaparrrrrr hold wots ov stuff
frum me pillyjin !
I sharre wiff ya
heer b a xtra log
ye kin rite stuff innit !
Geoduck Epidemic In Portsmouth Bay. Housewives are mightily impressed!!
(http://www.pac.dfo-mpo.gc.ca/science/species-especes/shellfish-coquillages/geopath/Images/intro1.jpg)
Water looks a bit cold, poor thing.... ;)
O' course, sum be better endow'd than others:
(http://www.wdfw.wa.gov/fish/shelfish/beachreg/graphics/2geoduck.jpg)
YArrrrrr...
I though Oi saw a movie wif sumfin like that in it once. It was a 'nature film' of course ;) ;) ;)
Was it "Debbie does Benthos"? ;D
Man goes around hitting people in the bum with meat tenderising mallet.
A former student of Butchery at Big Ron's College of Fine Meats, Mr Berty Hind (or B.Hind) was arrested today for smacking people in the rear end with a mallet.
Mr Hind was arrested claiming it was a beauty cure that one day will replace liposuction.
When his mallet was confiscated, Mr Hind claimed that his meat tenderising cure was going to make lots of rich middle class wimmen extremely happy.
Mr Hind has promised to take his revolutionary technique to one of those awful tele-advertising channels, where thousands of gullible people will confuse pseudoscience with science.
Rumours that the Dark Avenger will be forced out of retirement (again) to fight the menace of 'mallet man'.
Rumours abounded last night that the Dark Avenger had been spotted in a back alley of Portsmouth. The menace of the evil bum basher, dubbed 'mallet man' has been tormenting the innocent citizens of Portsmouth now for weeks and the sighting of the Avenger has brought a ray of hope to the sore bottomed populace.
Mrs Scumbag of Weevil Row was attacked late on Saturday night whilst making her way home from an evenings whist and light arm wrestling.
"It were orrible" said Mrs Scumbag, "He came up behind me and walloped me posterior wiv a heavy hobject...me bum was still wobblin when I got ome!"
In charge of the investigation is Chief Inspector Crapper of the Yard (that's Portsmouth Dock Yard not Scotland Yard), we asked him if it's time for a Curfew and he replied:
"A Curfew is a Wading bird not usually seen on the streets of Portsmouth."
So the Aaaarrghhus's advice to the citizens of Portsmouth is:
STAY AT HOME IF YOU VALUE YOUR BACKSIDE!
Captain Pieces o Nine Green Around the Gills!
According to Errol Flynn, dashing cabin boy and Executive Personal Assistant to the Captain aboard the Mad Moggies Revenge, Captain Pieces o Nine has been confined to her cabin afflicted with a Spanish French New Worlde Deathe Colde.
Flynn confided to the Aaarrrrggghhhus, lovely eyes sparkling with bon vivantitude, that Captain Pieces may finally have succumbed to the siren call of Serious Over-The-Cutlass pharmaceuticals, despite the clear MAOI contraindications. The dreaded malady has been striking terror into the hearts, heads, and stomachs of the local citizenry, blossoming without warning, and leaving those victims who survive almost too weak to demand tribute.
A separate, un-named source, known only as Dom thee Danger Catte hinted that she has been lying in state in shabby velvet Ren Faire gowns which, frankly, have been out of style for at least six hundred years, snorting self-concocted eucalyptus potions, and going through tissues like Captain Grant through Port Richmond. He would neither confirm nor deny deny rumors that she is reading trashy Southern Vampire novels, drinking herbal tea liberally laced with antic-scurvy citrus juices, and listlessly watching dvds of Starrrghgayte, Season IX while whining that her cabin is spinning.
Flynn concluded his exclusive interview with our reporter with assurances that her crew remains vigilant in protecting Captain Pieces' territory, and that she should be up and pillaging with her former zest again soon.
(http://www.churchtimes.co.uk/uploads/images/Orme%20N_Cornish%20Wills%231%23.jpg)
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DEBUTING AT NUMBER ONE ON THEE PORTSMOUTH AAARRRGGGHHHUS BESTSELLER'S LIST!
(http://cache4.asset-cache.net/xc/51239553.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=45B0EB3381F7834DFC09725F59224441942A39796FA0DB691A2DCE74C587FCF9)
Thee Forchunes & Missforchunes
ov thee Faymus
Moll Flanders
Wot were Born in Portsmuff, an durin a Loife ov continu'd Variety fer Threescorrrgh Yarrrghs,
besoides 'er Choildoode, were Twelve Yarrrgh at Madame Fifi's,
foive toimes a Wench (wareov once t'er owne Cap'n), Twelve Yarrrgh a Pirate,
Eight Yarrrgh a Transported Felon in Osstrayleeyah,
at last grue Riche, liv'd Honest, an dyed a Penitent.
Transcroibed from 'er owne Logs . . . by
Daniel Defoe
firste publish'd 1722
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Reserve yer copy today at Thee Chayned Lyberry,
Bookesellers t'HRH an awl them fancy litterit folke, 2/5d.
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Meete & Greete thee orther on Sat'day, 15th Maye, at Thee Admiral Benbow.
Buy 'im a pinte an e'll syne yer copy.
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Speciull fer Meet The Orther.
$26 dubloons standard versiun
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Free Redd Cowwe Sandwhitchers
All the Fishe 'ed Stewe ye can eat!
Absolootely dozens no pick-pockets or tea-leaves wivin the tente, ye valuebbles will be kompleetly stolen safe inside!
Come along an' henjoy the fun!
Habsolutely FREE!
20 Dubloon cover charge
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/Flourish_wide.gif)
MOLL FLANDERS
LOOK ALIKE CONTEST!!!
(http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh27/pieces_o_nine/MollFlan.gif)
ALL WELCOME TO ENTER Whether you're Waiting to get your Copy Signed by the World-Renowned Author, Daniel Defoe, or Showing Off your Portrait Sketched with Him Afterward, The Admiral Benbow is where Everyone who is Anyone will be on 15 May!!
Come Early for a Seate Close to the Author's Table!!
-- Signe Up for the Dinner Special --
Featuring one of Moll Flander's Owne Resipees!!
Bigge Prizes for Beste Moll Flanders Costume!!
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Don't forget to Tippe your Servers!
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I don't look much like Moll Flanders...before Make up!
Hi Guys, sorry I've been neglecting you, I was encouraged to return by David H.
Quote from: Black Bart on September 20, 2010, 03:47:57 PM
I don't look much like Moll Flanders...before Make up!
Hi Guys, sorry I've been neglecting you, I was encouraged to return by David H.
Wot's this strainge bit o' news? Is it an advert? Is it an editorial? Oi nivver scene such h'in a Noospaper.
hello Bart the Returner, you bin missed
:yar:
Arr I be amazed anyone remembers me...how goes it?
This be the letters page, do it?
O' coarse oi remembers ye Bart, ye blaggart... Portsmouth is bin moighty pieceful without ye, an' grog sales 'ave bin down. The taverns aaargh beggin fer a bailout. Well, the floor o' the pisser in the Benbow 'as needed a bailout for a while, but it's near o'er the top o' me boots in there now.
Oi can beat any one of yar at looking loik Moll Flanders, give the roight koinda spackling, and ...er... scaffolding....
G'arrrggghhh... oi was afeared yud show up in the obiturary section there, Bart. Whatchya been up to? We need sumpin ter gossip about.
Quote from: Aggie on September 24, 2010, 04:11:02 PM
This be the letters page, do it?
O' coarse oi remembers ye Bart, ye blaggart... Portsmouth is bin moighty pieceful without ye, an' grog sales 'ave bin down. The taverns aaargh beggin fer a bailout. Well, the floor o' the pisser in the Benbow 'as needed a bailout for a while, but it's near o'er the top o' me boots in there now.
Ha harr...I opes to improve thee grog sales an I knows a good plumber wot'll unblock yer pisser. Here be a photo o me tryin ta steady thee shyppe larst Saturday Night:
(http://web.me.com/antonyroberts/iWeb/barty_photos/Photos_files/Steady.jpg)
Y'AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!
Twas a foin thing you did there. Looks loik she was listing to one soid!
Arrrgh! Oi see ye 'ave the third eye !!
Yar, but he has it covered up so it can't see how much he's been drinkin'.
Aye mateys twere a foine night an no mistake...an it turns out that was thee boat Culture Club used on thee Karma Chameleon Video...make o that wot ye will...one things fer sure it weren't 'Mississippi 1897' like wot it claims on thee video!
GARRRR! Now oi gots that song stuck in me coconut...
"...every day is like survival
Yer me lover, not me rival..."
and oi gots a picher o'Boy George prancin' about in a pair o' pajamas.
Ya got any more o' that ale?
And why would ye be wantin some if it makes Bart look loike that?
And BTW what part o' him be that there pistol pointin at, zactly?
Lookin' loik that moight be an improvemenk for me, yer know.
I can see now that it were hunadvisible ta stick me pistol down me trousers loik that!
Helementary Pirate School mistake...but I got away wiv it this toim...I onlee shot me big toe orf.
NEWS FLASH:
DaveL was seen in here somewheres recently, but somehow escaped, unarmed. Next toim we oughter lash him to the main mast.
Now Black Bart ye know ye only be 'avin 1 wooden leg-- that be a one of ye isshues, jus not henuff wood.
editors note:
we can not make this crap up heven if we tried.
PIRATE CAPTAIN SUES PET SHOP
Bear Faced Cheek
(http://i647.photobucket.com/albums/uu198/RamblingSyd/Pirate_Parrot.jpg)
Pyrit Cap'n Paddington today launched a lawsuit against Pyrit Pets of Rat Street Portsmouth, over a defective shoulder-parrot.
The Cap'n told Aaarrrrggghhus reporter Hezekiah Grotbucket, "I wish to make a complaint: this is a dead parrot. E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!"
A spokesman for Pyrit Pets later stated that the Norwegian Blue was just tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk, and was probably pining for the fjords.
In related news captain Paddington complained that since he grew this nose-beard people tend to get stiff in his presence and shout some stuff about a girl hit by ice falling from the sky.
"Some of these guys also nearly hit me in the face when they suddenly got a cramp in their right arm."
'Ees not dead, 'ees jest 'avin' a lye down.
Quote from: Sibling DavidH on April 23, 2012, 11:23:45 AM
PIRATE CAPTAIN SUES PET SHOP
Bear Faced Cheek
(http://i647.photobucket.com/albums/uu198/RamblingSyd/Pirate_Parrot.jpg)
Pyrit Cap'n Paddington today launched a lawsuit against Pyrit Pets of Rat Street Portsmouth, over a defective shoulder-parrot.
The Cap'n told Aaarrrrggghhus reporter Hezekiah Grotbucket, "I wish to make a complaint: this is a dead parrot. E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!"
A spokesman for Pyrit Pets later stated that the Norwegian Blue was just tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk, and was probably pining for the fjords.
This is an ex-parrot.
Also of note is what appears to be a crutch directly below the parrot, under the poirate's arm. Clearly, if this parrot were alive, it would be able to hold up that half of the poirate by use of flappin' it's wings, thereby subtracting the necessity for said crutch. If this parrot aint dead, it ought to be fired for sleeping on the job. It's an outrage, and Oi for one am not having it.
Editor:
What is up with all this hating on the parrot? Clearly the parrot is exhibiting Olympic athlete class abdominal muscles, as it maintains the avian version of the Maltese Strength Move. I'd like to see some of these knee-jerk critics show even a fraction of the strength and agility skills this parrot exhibits!
Sincerely,
A Disgruntled Reader
This:
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2402/2327772855_34b03c4b1f.jpg)
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2402/2327772855_34b03c4b1f.jpg
looks more like an olympic parrot.
Dear Editurd,
Oi demands that the previous letter (to the pretty, live bird photo) be stricken from the records, as the writer may have been on steroids at the time. The parrot pictured has a large gut obviously from eating crackers (not that there's anything wrong with that), and seems to be wearing a muffler, a sign of ill health. We also note that she's taking a "P" and carrying it down Paddington's back, which is not in any Olympian rules Oive ever read, and Oive read a lot of stuff, believe you me. Oi have strength and agility out the ying-yang, but am too modest to put it on display in some two-bit toy store. Plus, I never take a "P" in public if there's a restroom handy. Let's face it, this parrot is laughing in the face of all that's decent in this world. If we let this sort of thing go on, sooner or later there's going to be rioting in the streets and chimpanzees marrying table-saws!!!!!!!
Just my opinion, is all.
Sincerely,
Trudgerick Fillingstation
I agree that the parrot with the cap and the silly goatee should be erased from the picture...
;) :P
Why, the poor parrot is positively pink-cheeked with shame at even being seen with him.
And the parrot's chest clashes with the bear's cravat.
Might I have the towns attention please!
Thank you
The Admiral Benbow is hereby closed until Wednesday week.
It will be burned to the ground at dawn due to the conditions found in the galley.
When Head Ale Wench and part owner Anthrobabe arrived home from crab fishing in the Bering Sea and saw the state of the galley she screamed and her words upon recovering from her swoon were; "Pelicans in the sink!" Where upon she fainted again - sources say she spotted the bats roosting in the pizza oven. Upon being carried to her bunk aboard her ship she revived shortly and declared; "I'll just have to burn it. Nothing else to do but burn it flat and rebuild"
Souvenirs may be taken by one and all.
Next edition---
Where did the crabs in Anthrobabes bunk really come from anyway?
Dear h'editor
All this talk of crabs be spoilin' me dinner.
Yers sinkcerlee
Lord Treamill-Nathaniel-Wintersokson
BREAK IN AT ADMIRAL BENBOW
The Portsmouth constabulary responded last night when a disturbance was heard after hours at the Admiral Benbow. Drunken renditions of "Please Don't Burn Our Outhouse Down", "What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor and "Three Little Maids From School Are We" were heard coming from the cellars. Investigating officers found just one intoxicated offender desperately holding on to a half full barrel of rum. It took six officers to prise his grip from the cask. The offender was taken into custody and is helping police with their enquiries. Police have been unable to identify the offender but Detective Constable Blockhead, spokesman for the Portsmouth Police, said "The offender was found wearing a three-corned hat, a frock-coat and had some sort of blue dye on his nose. Anyone with further information who may have seen the offender in the hours before 3am this morning, or who may be able to help identify him, please contact Portsmouth Police".
Ye having seen nuffin till yeve seen Peg Leg Williams and Flappy Tarnish carrying off banhister railings.
The new foundashnn wuz poured this mornin an wallz be raised tomorrow.
'ere, Pachy, dyer fink they be onter us?
Sshhh! Don't give us away! Tis hard enuff being all sneaky and cloak 'n dagger loike when you is an helefant wif a peg-leg anyway!
Pick up that there last barrel, Oi've got the Fish-Ead Stoo, and daren't hold anything else. An' we'll jest have ter come back fer the Jelly-Resslin' pool....
Hokay, but wot shuld Oi do wiv this curry?
Depends. Do yer reckon it'll kill off the Toledo worms in the hull o' me ship?
Aye, it probably wuld, but Oi'd be a bit afeared about it eatin a hole roight threw yer hull
Hmm, yer roight. Moight let the Dreadful Spindly Killerfishes in ter the hold. An' them blaggards would be pinchin' all me rum!
Yarr! Jest pour sum fish 'ed stewe on the blighters, that'll fixum!
Good Greepph! Wots bin goin' on in 'ere?
Yused ter be a descent nooospaper.
Arr, tis true. Used ter be a lot softer, an' the print didn't smudge. Progress, eh?
Yer, an' Oi doan fink Oi'd be two keen on rappin' me fish'n'chips innit nowadays neever