The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Pachyderm]

Was it "Debbie does Benthos"?

[DaveL]

Man goes around hitting people in the bum with meat tenderising mallet.

A former student of Butchery at Big Ron's College of Fine Meats, Mr Berty Hind (or B.Hind) was arrested today for smacking people in the rear end with a mallet.

Mr Hind was arrested claiming it was a beauty cure that one day will replace liposuction.

When his mallet was confiscated, Mr Hind claimed that his meat tenderising cure was going to make lots of rich middle class wimmen extremely happy.

Mr Hind has promised to take his revolutionary technique to one of those awful tele-advertising channels, where thousands of gullible people will confuse pseudoscience with science. 

[Black Bart]

Rumours that the Dark Avenger will be forced out of retirement (again) to fight the menace of 'mallet man'.

Rumours abounded last night that the Dark Avenger had been spotted in a back alley of Portsmouth.  The menace of the evil bum basher, dubbed 'mallet man' has been tormenting the innocent citizens of Portsmouth now for weeks and the sighting of the Avenger has brought a ray of hope to the sore bottomed populace.

Mrs Scumbag of Weevil Row was attacked late on Saturday night whilst making her way home from an evenings whist and light arm wrestling. 

"It were orrible" said Mrs Scumbag, "He came up behind me and walloped me posterior wiv a heavy hobject...me bum was still wobblin when I got ome!"

In charge of the investigation is Chief Inspector Crapper of the Yard (that's Portsmouth Dock Yard not Scotland Yard), we asked him if it's time for a Curfew and he replied:

"A Curfew is a Wading bird not usually seen on the streets of Portsmouth."

So the Aaaarrghhus's advice to the citizens of Portsmouth is:

STAY AT HOME IF YOU VALUE YOUR BACKSIDE!

[pieces o nine]

Captain Pieces o Nine Green Around the Gills!

According to Errol Flynn, dashing cabin boy and Executive Personal Assistant to the Captain aboard the Mad Moggies Revenge, Captain Pieces o Nine has been confined to her cabin afflicted with a Spanish French New Worlde Deathe Colde.

Flynn confided to the Aaarrrrggghhhus, lovely eyes sparkling with bon vivantitude, that Captain Pieces may finally have succumbed to the siren call of Serious Over-The-Cutlass pharmaceuticals, despite the clear MAOI contraindications. The dreaded malady has been striking terror into the hearts, heads, and stomachs of the local citizenry, blossoming without warning, and leaving those victims who survive almost too weak to demand tribute.

A separate, un-named source, known only as Dom thee Danger Catte  hinted that she has been lying in state in shabby velvet Ren Faire gowns which, frankly, have been out of style for at least six hundred years, snorting self-concocted eucalyptus potions, and going through tissues like Captain Grant through Port Richmond. He would neither confirm nor deny deny rumors that she is reading trashy Southern Vampire novels, drinking herbal tea liberally laced with antic-scurvy citrus juices, and listlessly watching dvds of Starrrghgayte, Season IX while whining that her cabin is spinning.

Flynn concluded his exclusive interview with our reporter with assurances that her crew remains vigilant in protecting Captain Pieces' territory, and that she should be up and pillaging with her former zest again soon.

[Griffin NoName]

ADVERT
++++++

Colde Remedy. Potion. H'only 3 dubloons.Non Not Much Alcoholic. H'avaylablle in several flavhours.

[Bluenose]

+++++++++++
Advertisssemente
+++++++++++

Genuwine Captain' Delight Elixhire.  Just loike Regular Captain's Delight, but withe hextra ratte poison secret hingerdient 27.  Doant be fooled by cheape pale imitations, only Captain's Delight Elixhire can cure what ails ye!  Just one bottle o' Captain's Delight Elixhire and ye will no be feeling ille at all.  Gette yer bottel while they last from our hexclusive faktery outlet, just behing the bike sheds at Portsmouth Pirate Publicke Skool.  12 Dubloons a bottle.

[pieces o nine]

DEBUTING AT NUMBER ONE ON THEE PORTSMOUTH AAARRRGGGHHHUS BESTSELLER'S LIST!

Thee Forchunes & Missforchunes
ov thee Faymus
Moll Flanders
Wot were Born in Portsmuff, an durin a Loife ov continu'd Variety fer Threescorrrgh Yarrrghs,
besoides 'er Choildoode, were Twelve Yarrrgh at Madame Fifi's,
foive toimes a Wench (wareov once t'er owne Cap'n), Twelve Yarrrgh a Pirate,
Eight Yarrrgh a Transported Felon in Osstrayleeyah,
at last grue Riche, liv'd Honest, an dyed a Penitent.
Transcroibed from 'er owne Logs . . . by
Daniel Defoe
firste publish'd 1722

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Reserve yer copy today at Thee Chayned Lyberry,
Bookesellers t'HRH an awl them fancy litterit folke, 2/5d.
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Meete & Greete thee orther on Sat'day, 15th Maye, at Thee Admiral Benbow.
Buy 'im a pinte an e'll syne yer copy.
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[Griffin NoName]

Fer Sail.

Face masks wot the stench o' yon decayin' ancient remains o' Daniel Defoe will not penetrait.

Speciull fer Meet The Orther.

$26 dubloons standard versiun
$49 dubloons deluxe vesiun wiv lavender

[Bluenose]

Sellarbraite yer newe sygnatyoor on ye booke at Cap'n Bluenose's Horspitalitee Tente

Free Captain's Delight XO for all owners of a sygned copee o' Daneel Defo'h's great newe booke!

Free Redd Cowwe Sandwhitchers

All the Fishe 'ed Stewe ye can eat!

Absolootely dozens no pick-pockets or tea-leaves wivin the tente, ye valuebbles will be kompleetly stolen safe inside!

Come along an' henjoy the fun!

Habsolutely FREE!

20 Dubloon cover charge

[pieces o nine]

MOLL FLANDERS
LOOK ALIKE CONTEST!!!

ALL WELCOME TO ENTER

Whether you're Waiting to get your Copy Signed by the World-Renowned Author, Daniel Defoe, or Showing Off your Portrait Sketched with Him Afterward, The Admiral Benbow is where Everyone who is Anyone will be on 15 May!!

Come Early for a Seate Close to the Author's Table!!

-- Signe Up for the Dinner Special --
Featuring one of Moll Flander's Owne Resipees!!

Bigge Prizes for Beste Moll Flanders Costume!!

Ask your Server about our Special Drinke Specials!!

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No Cover Charge!
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Don't forget to Tippe your Servers!
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[Black Bart]

I don't look much like Moll Flanders...before Make up!

Hi Guys, sorry I've been neglecting you, I was encouraged to return by David H.

[Griffin NoName]

I don't look much like Moll Flanders...before Make up!

Hi Guys, sorry I've been neglecting you, I was encouraged to return by David H.

Wot's this strainge bit o' news? Is it an advert? Is it an editorial? Oi nivver scene such h'in a Noospaper.

hello Bart the Returner, you bin missed

[Aggie]

 

[Black Bart]

Arr I be amazed anyone remembers me...how goes it?

[Aggie]

This be the letters page, do it?

O' coarse oi remembers ye Bart, ye blaggart...  Portsmouth is bin moighty pieceful without ye, an' grog sales 'ave bin down.  The taverns aaargh beggin fer a bailout.  Well, the floor o' the pisser in the Benbow 'as needed a bailout for a while, but it's near o'er the top o' me boots in there now.