The Emotional Vampire

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

Pardon me while I sound horrible and distinctly untaddy, but it's like living in a damn soap opera and it's driving me mad!

I have known this guy for about two years--we met in high school through a mutual friend. Last spring, he got a girl pregnant, had a child, and then she left him. That threw him in a horrible depression, to the point that I had to do a suicide intervention last winter.
It's gotten a little bit better since November, but that's hardly saying anything. Last night for example, a bunch of us were hanging out and he found an unused bullet on the ground at some point and said, "Well, there's half of my solution."
He says shit like this ALL THE TIME. Everyday I've seen him since January, he said something like this and it's gotten even worse in the last few weeks--there were four separate statements like that last night alone that I heard. He promised me that when he got back to school for spring that he'd go take advantage of the *free* health care services he has through school. IT'S APRIL and he's not gone, despite the fact I've reminded him frequently and he has a class next door to the clinic. Not a damn dime would come out of his pocket for any medication and I'm starting to think he likes being miserable.

NOTHING anyone (there are three of us) says or tries seems to work--not reminding him of is daughter and the damage he'd do to her if he killed himself, not reminding him of what he would to the rest of his family and friends--nothing. I'm getting tired of listening to him bitch and refuse to do anything. I am SO tired of being frustrated and drained.

Dealing with him is emotionally draining and I just can't do it anymore! It's starting to come down to his health or mine because I feel obligated to help him even though I don't actually like him. I don't know how he's done it, but he's become a whirling vortex of awful misery and I can't afford to get sucked in. This is beyond my range of experience and I have no idea what to do.

[Bluenose]

Scrib, dear sibling, you have already done far more that should reasonably be expected of you.  It is perfectly proper for us to offer help to others in distress, but in the end it is up to each of us to be responsible for our selves.  Sure, we can ask for help, but there is a difference between accepting help from others and expecting them to do everything for us.  I am afraid that this guy probably needs to grow up a bit and start looking out for himself.  He has been using you and no doubt others and taking advantage of your good nature, but he is not keeping his end of the bargain.  I would confront him and (as unpleasant as it may be at the time) say to him that you simply are not prepared to offer him further support unless he begins to take some responsibility for himself.  He will no doubt try to play the guilt card on you or some other similar trick to try and get you playing his game, but don't buy into it.  Be firm an tell him that you do care for him and because of that concern you have to decline to be involved with him in this manner until and unless he begins to act like an adult.

In times past I would have said something to him like "you need to start acting like a man" but I guess that this is probably not considered PC these days. <grin>

If you don't want to confront him - and I am not sure how you will get out of this without a confrontation of some sort - you can try to avoid him, but my guess is you have tried that already.  Grit your teeth, gird your loins and tell him what he needs to hear.  Then firmly, but politely, refuse to be involved with him for as long as it takes, even if that is forever.  And should he actually carry out his threats of self harm, Scrib, you must promise me that you will not blame youself for whatever happens.  It is, or rather will be, NOT YOUR FAULT.

If none of that works, you could always resort to wearing garlic or the stake through the heart...

[ivor]

I toadily agree with Blue.  I would also like to add that most people that talk about committing suicide aren't really going to do it.

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

I toadily agree with Blue.  I would also like to add that most people that talk about committing suicide aren't really going to do it.

I don't know if he will. He hasn't done it yet and goodness knows it's not hard to get a hold of guns and other weapons around here. Plus, he can always bite that bullet.

Scrib, dear sibling, you have already done far more that should reasonably be expected of you.  It is perfectly proper for us to offer help to others in distress, but in the end it is up to each of us to be responsible for our selves.  Sure, we can ask for help, but there is a difference between accepting help from others and expecting them to do everything for us.  I am afraid that this guy probably needs to grow up a bit and start looking out for himself.  He has been using you and no doubt others and taking advantage of your good nature, but he is not keeping his end of the bargain.  I would confront him and (as unpleasant as it may be at the time) say to him that you simply are not prepared to offer him further support unless he begins to take some responsibility for himself.  He will no doubt try to play the guilt card on you or some other similar trick to try and get you playing his game, but don't buy into it.  Be firm an tell him that you do care for him and because of that concern you have to decline to be involved with him in this manner until and unless he begins to act like an adult.

In times past I would have said something to him like "you need to start acting like a man" but I guess that this is probably not considered PC these days. <grin>

If you don't want to confront him - and I am not sure how you will get out of this without a confrontation of some sort - you can try to avoid him, but my guess is you have tried that already.  Grit your teeth, gird your loins and tell him what he needs to hear.  Then firmly, but politely, refuse to be involved with him for as long as it takes, even if that is forever.  And should he actually carry out his threats of self harm, Scrib, you must promise me that you will not blame youself for whatever happens.  It is, or rather will be, NOT YOUR FAULT.

If none of that works, you could always resort to wearing garlic or the stake through the heart...

I won't blame myself, I don't think. At this point I don't even know I'd be sorry if he kills himself. /horrible
I've already said he needs to act like a man, but that's because he runs away from the mother like she's got the plague. I wasn't so blunt but I think I may have to be. I already sort of confronted him but he ran instead of listening. I'll try again.
Avoiding him would mean avoiding a few people who mean a lot to me and he doesn't talk much except for to make stupid comments about killing himself. The garlic, though, that might be worth it!

[Griffin NoName]

This kind of thing is horrid. Firm and blunt as others say. It's his choice - not your responsibility.

It's a form of emotional blackmail and a pretty nasty form. It's also attention seeking and if he needs attention he could get it (and deal with it) in therapy which might be another thing to throw at him as a suggestion for taking responsibility.

One other thought, sounds like its not discussed with the "others". They are probably all feeling like you.

[Aggie]

Re: title of thread - Have you been reading LaVey?  The Satanic Bible has a chapter devoted to 'psychic vampires' on exactly this topic.

One of the most famous essays from The Satanic Bible, it is here that LaVey coins the term "psychic vampire". LaVey defines a psychic vampire as one who attempts to psychologically manipulate others by systematically playing the victim; for example, a person who constantly uses some minor physical flaw as an excuse for their shortcomings and a means of gaining sympathy and favor from others. LaVey believes that people who use a victim status as a means to induce guilt in others are fundamentally weak, and therefore to be shunned by Satanists. (LaVey does not imply that anyone with a flaw is automatically weak, but rather that the use of that flaw to gain sympathy and favor is weak.)

LaVey advises that such people are psychologically draining (hence the term "psychic vampire") and should be dealt with mercilessly and discarded before they are permitted to take control of the lives of vital individuals.

We (as a couple, it was a mutual friend but moreso on her end) went through something very similar but a touch less dramatic a couple of years back with someone we knew.  Now, I don't back down from trying to help out a person in need, but when it goes on for years and becomes shoddily, overtly emotionally manipulative  YOU, OFF THE TRAIN NOW.  I can be manipulated, but pleeease don't make it so obvious.

_{making 'em walk the plank off over the side of the friend ship if you like} 

My advice is to cut and run, but in an emotionally manipulative fashion ( ) - tell him that if he DOESN'T get into the health clinic NOW NOW NOW you refuse to associate with him any further.  As a first step.  I will wager that he doesn't go, but if he does, great!  And don't let the conditions stop...  require that he takes his meds or you refuse to associate with him any further, etc.  It's my experience that these types are using a backhanded method of keeping dominant in personal relationships, so I doubt he'll have much interest in sticking around if you are asserting your will, but put the choice on him.

If this fails or if it's not something you're comfortable with, JUST GET OUT. 

Re: mutual acquaintances - have a frank chat with them about how you're feeling; you are definitely not the only one who is getting sick of this &#!%.  In our case, we had actually been partially avoiding (i.e. can't invite both) good mutual friends who had already gone through falling-outs with The Vamp (from being former best friends), so there was a sympathetic ear handy.  They may not agree, but they will very likely understand, and you may find ways to see them outside of the usual dysfunctional group dynamic.

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

That explains why I wanted to call him that! I like LaVey quite a lot, so go figure, hm? I've been planning to talk to my friend that I see regularly about this either when I see him next or when he's online. He hasn't been doing this nearly as long, nor was he involved with the intervention, but I think he'll see why I can't do this anymore. We only see the Vampire in the morning, so I have the afternoon to talk to him.
There's a thought--maybe if I drag the Vampire out into the sunlight he'll explode. Or sparkle. But hopefully explode.
Those conditions are perfect! I will try them out the next time I can.

[Darlica]

I second Aggi's "a taste of your own medicine" plan and the advice to cut him off if it doesn't work.
He has no right to suck up all your energy.

Personally I would do almost anything for a dear friend but that is different, for someone like him... No, you've done more than enough. 

[Opsa]

"making 'em walk the plank off over the side of the friend ship if you like"
-good one, Aggie!

I've had a couple of people in my life go this way, and all I can say for psychic vampires is: THEY SUCK! 

Really though, I don't believe they consciously know what they're doing.  Somehow they become addicted to the attention gained from playing the self-pity card, so they play it over and over again. They're in a rut, really! Sometimes you can drag them out of the rut and even though they are quite angry at first, later they do much better when we quit the enabling.

Be prepared to have blame thrown at you, but don't budge. If you can do it kindly you have nothing to be ashamed of. 

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

I don't think he's doing it on purpose either and I agree with your observations.

Though I think a smack in the face sort of thing would be best with him.

Thank you all.

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Pardon me while I sound horrible and distinctly untaddy, but it's like living in a damn soap opera and it's driving me mad!

I have known this guy for about two years--we met in high school through a mutual friend. Last spring, he got a girl pregnant, had a child, and then she left him. That threw him in a horrible depression, to the point that I had to do a suicide intervention last winter.
It's gotten a little bit better since November, but that's hardly saying anything. Last night for example, a bunch of us were hanging out and he found an unused bullet on the ground at some point and said, "Well, there's half of my solution.".....

Your "friend" seriously reminds me of a friend, way, way back when I was in Junior High.

I'll call him "David". 

David and I were close friends, we hung out together a great deal (we met through church-- in those days, I was a churchy-type).  One summer, David discovered he could get sh!tloads of attention, by claiming suicidal depression.  (He really did have mild depression, but never came close to successfully doing any damage-- I learned this later).

One summer was especially dreadful:  every other sentence, he mentioned some morbed suicidal phrase to me in one fashion or another.  I kept up the cheer-- and had been for a couple of months...then we both went to the same summer church camp, and I was with him hours daily.

But Wednesday (camp started on Monday), I was internally ready to climb walls:  finally, I snapped...sort of.

The camp had a large lake, you see...and he had just mentioned possibly drowning himself.

My reply, that time? (more or less--it's been 30 years...)  (in my strictest a-matter-of-fact, calm voice) "Okay.  Go ahead.  No one will try to stop you, as you seem hell-bent on killing yourself.  Why not walk out into the lake this very minute?  Here, let me help you fill your pockets with rocks (gravel beach) so you will sink to the bottom.  Be sure to take big gulps of water, to get it over quickly, and eliminate any possibility of resuscitation.  I'll wait for at least an hour, before telling anyone.  How does that sound?  There's the lake. *pointing dramatically*  Have at it then."

I then physically took him by the shoulders, turned him to face the lake, and gave him a gentle shove, and stepped back.

To say he was astonished, would be an understatement.  No one had treated him in this manner, always catering to his depression....

He got a very funny look on his face, and did not say a thing for several minutes.  I said nothing as well, but turned my back, as if I was re-joining some people farther away from the lake.

After a few minutes, he quietly joined the group (I had already re-joined by this time) and said nothing about the incident.  I didn't mention it either.

For the rest of the summer, he did not mention to me, any potential acts of suicide.....

....as far as I know, David never did commit suicide, and is alive and well living where ever he is living.  I lost direct touch about 3 or 4 years later... but I heard he was well, through the grapevine.

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

Sounds like him, all right. Hope this guy works out like David did.

[anthrobabe]

It sounds as if he is feeding off you for sure.
I say this will all sincerity, love and respect for you and the rock and a hard place this person has put you in
Hmmmm- wonder what would happen if next time he begins this behavior you simply dial 911 on your cell and tell the disaptcher that this person is threatening suicide?
They have to do something- attention (of the kind he doesn't want) will be paid- he may very well find himself on the receiving end of a 72 hour mandatory hospital stay.
That might just do the trick---
Even if it doesn't get him the care( I agree it's probably something he has become addicted to and not that he is suicidal) he needs it is almost certain that he will leave you alone in the future.
You have acted with kindness and love for a fellow human-- but enough is enough--

just my two cents-- worth probably about a half penny.

[Kaliayev]

It sounds like while he may have been initially suicidal, now he is simply acting out, in the way Bob and anthrobabe describe. After a period of deep depression, having people genuinely care about his well-being...he may have found that playing the suicide card got him more attention and affection than normal interaction (and since people usually withdraw when troubled by depression, his social skills may have also atrophied, too).

I'm pretty sure if he really wanted to kill himself, he would by now.  Its hardly difficult, after all. 

The best thing would be, again as Bob and anthrobabe say, don't reward his behaviour.  Act indifferently, or use it to put him in a situation where he is confronted with unintended consequences of his actions (like the police, or ambulance services).  Remove the incentive for this behaviour, and instead reward him with positive attention when he acts like a decent human being, instead of pulling the emotional strings of everyone around him.

Easier said than done, of course, but still...

[Opsa]

Quite right, KV. Positive reenforcement for positive behavior really helps.