Toadfish Monastery

Supposedly said by Prince Philips (taken from a list of his gaffes)

"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" (said) To a wheelchair-bound Susan Edwards, and her guide dog Natalie in 2002.

It's not as often as it used to be, but he's the gift that keeps on giving.

Ok, this is very simple.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had nobody to go with.

Because the closet was closed?

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal,
reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about
it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex
with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him
back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you
sick bastard."

.... heh... oh... my... that's some punchline...

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.  On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old fellow tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you..."

David, those last two were pretty spectacular.

A woman is cleaning out her 13 year old son's bedroom, when she comes across a large range of bondage and s&m gear in his cupboard. Not sure what to do, she waits until her husband gets home, and tells him about it. The husband turns to his wife and says, "I'm not sure what to do either, but i'm not going to spank him."

Reminds me of this one:

Frankie and Sally had been married for more than 40 years.  While the marriage was not that bad, it was far from perfect.  Still, Frankie was sad, when Sally died suddenly, whilst taking a Sunday afternoon nap, after a particularly large meal.

Frankie and Sally had been occasional attendees at the local country church, so naturally, that was where they had the funeral, the following Wednesday.   But the church was small, and the casket needfully large, and as the pall bearers were struggling to get it through the door, one of them slipped, and *bam* the casket slammed into the sturdy oak door frame, falling open, and out spilled poor Sally.

And what'dya know?  A miracle they said, as the shock seemed to revive Sally, and she sat up confused, and immediately wondered why she was in her best dress, and it wasn't even a Sunday?

So Frankie and Sally resumed their interrupted marriage.

Which lasted another 5 years, whereupon Sally again passed away suddenly in her sleep.  

This time, the doctors were a wee bit more careful, making sure she really was dead.

Even so, when the funeral was again at the local country church, Frankie had a quiet word with the pall bearers:  "Boys, that door is narrow.  Take especial care when you go through it."

^

Only in Britain  -   Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

Similar stuff is to be had from Germany. Insurance companies also keep extra files of this type of stuff.

This one had me giggling uncontrollably, mainly because it's exactly how my father behaves in hotels, going on holiday with him used to be excrutiating, now of course I get it by phone about his care home........ anyway the point is it is all too believable for me.

>
> The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
> hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to
> the London Sunday Times!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Maid,
> Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
> since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
> unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
> three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
> Thank you,
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Room 635,
> I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
> day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
> requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
> of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves
> only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is
> to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
> Kathy, Relief Maid
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Maid ?
> I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my
> note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room
> this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my
> medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and
> have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays
> which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth,
> etc. Please remove them.
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
> are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your
> way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put
> the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the
> 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet
> for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in
> last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
> Your regular maid,
> Dotty
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
> called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
> I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
> apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints
> please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
> Call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.
> Thank you,
> Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Miss Carmen,
> It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
> business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the
> reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
> only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
> of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
> check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine
> cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
> In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you
> doing this to me?
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
> and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
> extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
> Thank you,
> Elaine Carmen,
> Housekeeper
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Kensedder,
> My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
> including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
> the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
> cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
> instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
> situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
> the inconvenience.
> Martin L. Kensedder
> Assistant Manager
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
> and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
> want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of
> soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my
> bath-size Dial.
> S. Berman
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mr. Berman,
> You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then
> you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
> personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
> Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the
> 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
> returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
> I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I
> was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
> Elaine Carmen
> Housekeeper
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear Mrs. Carmen,
> Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
> As of today I possess:
> - On the shelf under medicine cabinet
> - 18 Camay in 4 stacks 4 and 1 stack of 2 on the Kleenex dispenser
> - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3 on the bedroom dresser
> - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8
> Camay in 2 stacks of 4 inside the medicine cabinet
> - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2 in the shower soap dish
> - 6 Camay, very moist on the northeast corner of tub
> - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used on the northwest corner of tub
> - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
> Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
> neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than
> 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not
> in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One
> more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
> keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
> S. Berman
>

^  Excellent.  Sadly, all too believable.