Toadfish Monastery

Arrgh!! Remember the Old Admiral Benbow before the rennovations! It be all yuppified nowadays.

Yaaar! What with the percentage deal wot has been hammered out with the Consolidated Pickpockets and Cutpurses Union, we should do very nicely indeed.

Arggh, and an agent an' all.

I had to promise 'em 10% on this lot of rubbquality merchandise produced by sweat shop genuine qualified tailors of Porstmouth.

Guaranteed ter last up to 10 minutes after point of purchase an all. This should net at least 50 dubloons per a hundred pieces mateys, dependin' on me cut from the pickpockets of course. 

Yaaar! Merchandising opportunities aplenty fer all. We can foist all manner of rrubbish on te public.

Oh aaargh! Captin Dave. I've had run ins with them before!

Last time there were an alleged incident they tried to get me to do something called 'Community Serrrrrrivice' involving cleaning out public latrines, but I did weigh anchor and scarper out of port before they could get the bailifs anywhere's near the Purple Primrose.

Ye'd think I'd had learned to mend me wicked earhorn throwin' ways, but what can I do? I be a pirate. Yaaaar!

new millenium.

By the time they had downed their fifth pint and their plans had become ever so ambitious as to include "Bovine Toilet Brushes The Movie" (extending to several sequels).

But, just as they were getting around to casting, there was an enormous explosion from the direction of the butcher shop and lamb-chops and home-made sausages began to rain from the sky, along with something brown and far less pleasant smelling.

"Great Scot!" said Big Ron, "What the....

home made sausages. Neptune, having miraculously and suddenly recovered from his recent golf ball accident, entered Big Ron's Butcher shop, dragging his enormous sack of collected cow sh manure behind him.

"Mornin'" said Big Ron, "be that the latest batch?"
"Aye!" said Neptune "Soon we'll be rich I tells ye! I've collected enough of this sh biofuel to sink a ship. The, next step world domination will soon foller!"
"Yaaar!!" said Big Ron, (who may have temporarily given up the life on the bounding main for butchery, but none of his piratical ways) "Put it over thaaarre next to the bunson burner and let's away to the tavern. I've a terrible thirst"

Well I'll be a land lubbers lap dog!

Yaaar! Red stilletto jack boots be me prize possessions. Awful good for giving a cabin boy a boot up the Khyber when he gets out of hand.

Yaaaaar! I be Tanguerra and I be a piraholic.

Yesterday I did throw an ear trumpet at me cabin boy (name of Sanchez) when he was not cleaning up me cabin quick enough for my loikin'. 'E said there was too many shoes and all over the floor, I said he'd best keep his tongue behind his teeth if he wanted to keep hold of them what he still has left. Then did I storm off to the Tavern te drown me frustrations with a dozen or so Captin's Delights. On staggerin' back to me cabin did I take great delight in tossin' the said footwear all over again once more! Not a peep of complaint did I hear out of him in te mornin'.

YaaaaR! Such things make me smoile though. 'Tis me pirate nature. Can it be changed? I think not.

Could be problematic Darla me dear. No fish head stew ye sez! That could cause a mutiny.

Bein' able to write, very worrisome. I'd be keepin that piece of information to meself 'twere I you, them pirates be a superstitious lot.

Can ye play the accordion? I may be able to find ye a berth on The 'Primrose if that be the case. Toothless Kate's got the arthritis again.

took his turn at mini-golf, which had been set up on board the ship to keep the swabs from each other's throats during periods of being becalmed.

'Tol you he were a French Spy!" said Seaman Bank. "Look how he holds his club. Be in the wrong hand...er... wing..."

"Quack!" said Gilbert, although meaning "Fore!" and struck the mini golf ball a mighty blow.

This turned out to be unfortunate, because...

Well, we'd best make note of the Purple Primrose, out of Port O Spain. Tis the hardest partyin ship in all the seven cyber seas and our cabin boy be the best lookin' by a league a league, so can he fill out a pair of sequinned shorts to make yer eyes weep.

I've been in port for the past little while to do some urgent repairs ye know. We had to put in a new galley after the last riot on board. Them karaoke nights aboard the Purple Primrose can turn right ugly at a moment's notice, tis true, and all the chairs n tables was trashed and thrown overboard last month and the mirror ball quite destoyed.

We are almost completed with our refurbishments now how sum 'diver and will soon be throwing a galley warming party, so you'd best be warning those ye hold dear to stay away from the docks next Wednesdee evenin' if ye value their acquaintance. 

descriptive in his choice of language.

"Tole yez he was a French spy!" said one

"Nah! Course he aint." said another. "Look at that eye-patch! That be gool ol British made!"

"I'll ask him another" said seaman Bank. "Tell me now, me feathered friend, what noise do a musket make?"

"Yaaaar!" cried Captain Dave. "Hoist the mainsail!"
"Quack" said Gilbert
"Weigh that anchor ye scurvy swabs!" roared Captin Dave
"Quack" said Gilbert
"By gum!" said Capn Dave  "Ye may be a foine lookin bird, me hearty, but how am I to teach ye to curse, if all ye can do is this quackin caper!?"

Gilbert began to realise that his role as a parrot was going to be more difficult that he had thought to pull off.