The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus - all the news that's unfit to print

[Black Bart]

Pirate Team wins Admiral Benbow Quiz

In a shock result at the Tuesday Night quiz, an all Pirate Team 'Henry Kelly's Heroes' won the first prize of 6 grog vouchers and an out of date pie.  The all star team comprised of The Black Spot, Black Bart, Calico Jack, Captain Cronan and Green Cap'n Smith didn't get any of the questions right but the landlord was so terrified he handed over the prize to save his skin.

When asked to comment The Black Spot said: 'Same time, same place, next week...and same result or else!' 

Black Bart shouted: 'Free Henry Kelly!'

Calico Jack said: 'What wig?'

Captain Cronan asked for a Brasso chaser from under the table...

...and Green Captain Smith recycled all the way home.

[Griffin NoName]

Editorial Note: Aaaaargh!! Green Cap'n Smith be wise not to rely on buses.

[Black Bart]

Captain Cronan's latest crew get set for voyage



We asked one of the sailors why none of the new crew were prepared to stand on the same deck as Captain Cronan! 

"Aaarrrgh...To be sure...I'll be standin on the top spar fer the whole voyage." said Seaman O'Flagherty, "When the ship goes down I'll ave an extra half an hour to pray ta me god!"   

[pieces o nine]

TIDDLES STANDS FOR MUNICIPAL COUNCIL
In a surprise development in the Portsmouth Municipal Council Race, Tiddles called a press conference today to announce his candidacy.

"Meow, meow, meow! Hssst. Ffft. Prdrdrdrdowwwn. YOW!" _Tiddles told reporters in a prepared statement. The candidate took no questions and refused to divulge either his party affiliation or further details of his platform.

A Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus reporter has been embedded with Tiddles' entourage aboard the press dinghy. Stay tuned for more developments.

[Black Bart]

Arrrr...that'll bring a tear to Dave L's eye.  He seems to ave reformed a bit since these days:

[DaveL]

YArrrrrr...

Oi can think of a few psychotic murderers that have successfully run for office.

So Oi see no reason why Tiddles wouldn't make a wonderful mayor. Ye just need a good PR machine.

[Black Bart]

Arrrr, tis a dangerous office is Mayor...

Tiddles wouldn't be kidnapped, he's be catnapped!

[pieces o nine]

Oi mus disagree. Tiddles'd send his 'bilge rat pack' after anywun wot troid ter kidnap 'im. They be desperate an fearsum bodyguards.

[Griffin NoName]

EEK!! Oi is scared !!!!


Editorial Apology

The above comment was inserted in this morning's edition in error.

[DaveL]

Oi mus disagree. Tiddles'd send his 'bilge rat pack' after anywun wot troid ter kidnap 'im. They be desperate an fearsum bodyguards.

YArrrr...

Indeed they be more terrifyin than Oi pictured 'em. We'll have to remember that look when 'Tiddles The Movie' gets made.

[pieces o nine]

The Portsmouth Aaarrrrggghhhus
Letters to Editor

Heditor:

Oi'd loike ter registerrr me hextreme disapproval wiv Principal Cullinane an thee Portsmouth Publick High School.

Oi was pursewayded ter send me cabbin bouys to PPHS in order fer them to learn ritin and figgurin, an becoz it be thee law in Portsmouth. Neckst fing oi nose, they be signin up fer the Hastronomie Clubbe, an needin ter acquire telescopes an star charts an such-loike, claimin hit wood pay off wen they elped navigate me ship. Soon arfter that hit be thee Glee Clubbe, an they be stain arfter scool an hextra noight each weeke ter sing shanties an hoperas.

Then thee Pyrate Scouts International showed up, an me cabbin bouys begged an pleeded ter be hallowed to join that.  I shood ave put me peg leg down, but oi has a soft hearrrt fer me cabbin bouys, an oi loikes the cookies too. Anyways, oi now learns that me lads ave been hexcused from classes ter terrorize the citizenry in support o some nobbish mayoral cannidate! An do they have any booty ter show for hit? No! Wot koind of skoolin arrre they receevin?

The Mad Moggies Revenge  be Tiddles supporters, an oi'll not be havin me lads sent out ter support ovver cannidates unner thee guys of earnin badges fer sivick duty! Me bouys don' need any stinkin badges! If sumfing isn't done habout this heleckshun -- witch has gone completely out ov control, in my hopinion -- oi'll be home-skoolin' me cabbin bouys an decloinin ter pay the PPHS hextorshun taxes.

In thee redde miasma ov rage,
Cap'n Pieces o Nine

[Bluenose]

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[Black Bart]

Royal Navy Gone Soft Shock

Read this article in our younger inferior sister paper:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article3736239.ece

[Griffin NoName]

aaaaaaar! Oi dunno Oo faught up this ere 'uman rites malarky. Ooever it wer desevrs a beetin'.

Mind, that Brazier MP chappy sez tern 'em over to the local authority. If them was turned over to my local authority they'd wish they nivver bin born. I got anovver letter demandin Oi pays up agin jest this week an fer wot? Nuffin as I ken see.

[Griffin NoName]

Black Bart in Recipe Scandal

Our stalwart investigators have discovered the origins of Bart's Fishe-Head Stewe which has always been particularly obscure.

It is now known that, far from being an inspired dish, the Stewe is a simple playg plagiarism.

Fine dining

Instead of just boiling up a boar in a bronze cauldron, the Romans cooked fish, game and delicacies such as dormice served in ...................................including a rotted fish sauce that was imported in vast quantities in amphorae. Archaeologists who recreated the recipe do not recommend it.