Simple Jokes Thread

[Griffin NoName]

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

[Roland Deschain]

Griffin, that hotel one was genius. I've not had it that bad before, but I have experienced similar things. Crossed lines, poor communication, or dim people, really do make for lulz.

David, those council complaints are superb:-

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

I had images of Ron Jeremy, Neil Down, or Phil Mycock knocking on their door.

[Sibling DavidH]

[Griffin NoName]

[Roland Deschain]

How can you...

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[pieces o nine]

^   

[Roland Deschain]

^^ That one's apparently true, as well. Makes it far better.

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun," and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".

So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!" and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."

So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!" and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."

So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish." And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish." And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

 

[Sibling DavidH]

^^ Good one, Roland.

[Griffin NoName]

Now a nice racist joke.

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish Captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'' "No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not? ''You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!''

No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'



There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.



'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the Captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

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"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all same."

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

LOL!  One of the better illustrations of how prejudice works and why it's a fail, that I've seen in awhile.

Good find.

[Sibling DavidH]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that....2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

[Griffin NoName]