Snark/rant

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

Lol.


There are some mothers that astound me.
For example, yesterday evening I was supposed to go hang out with some friends. Plans fell through.
Not a big deal.
But later I found out that my friend who was the primary ride-giver was forced to go to the gym by her mother.
This girl is short and stocky, and may have metabolic issues, so she's not the stick her mother wants her to be.
She also told her daughter (on PROM night) that she was ugly.
She has been forced to follow a parentally approved routine, that consists of school, home work and the gym for a couple of hours.
Every night.
She has also been forced to leave us by her parents in the middle of a graded English project to attend a family party so she could be the sober driver home.

It just frustrates me because I can't do anything more than try to help her, but they've seriously screwed up her self-esteem. Didn't eat around us at gatherings until this spring. No short sleeves or capri pants.  Always on a diet, always feeling bad about herself. And there's very little I can do but offer comfort.

[anthrobabe]

I have a disassembled router on my desk...

I think I was using it to plug in the remains of an ex-optical mouse on my desk into a wall socket.

Whee! Nerd!

I keep telling my daughters that Nerds are the way to go--- so you go Nerd!


Kanaloa- as a mom- I am appaled(spelling?) at the treatment of your friend by the one person in the universe who is supposed to be there tooth and nail for its child-- Mother! Just keep loving her and supporting her and distracting her. Is she of an age where she is able to go away to school or something? Not to run and hide- but to get out into the "sun" where she can blossom.


Snark alert!
People who drive like their butt is on fire, downhill ski their vehicle through traffic, miss you by centimeters, are oblivious and then you arrive at a traffic light and wind up ahead of the morons! I usually wave and smile!
And yesterday going home a big old SUV pulled out of a driveway right into the path of an oncomming police car going gang busters lights and sound! The cop had to do some fancy driving to miss it- then go around the b@#$%^d because they were still oblivious- should be able to yank license on the spot. How oblivious does one have to be to not see an emergency vehicle displaying lights and sirens? 'Course I think the state police should have the right to shoot and bury any rubbernecker on the spot as well (but thats my opinion)

[The Meromorph]

It just frustrates me because I can't do anything more than try to help her, but they've seriously screwed up her self-esteem. Didn't eat around us at gatherings until this spring. No short sleeves or capri pants.  Always on a diet, always feeling bad about herself. And there's very little I can do but offer comfort.

I hope you yourself never have to experience just how important that 'little you can do' may be to her. She may not even realize it herself, for a while, but don't ever think that it's only a little thing. I perfectly understand you wanting to do more, but for uncounted numbers of people, the continuing uncritical love and comfort from their friends may be literally a life-saver.
Carry on, young hero, you're doing good work there.

[anthrobabe]

It just frustrates me because I can't do anything more than try to help her, but they've seriously screwed up her self-esteem. Didn't eat around us at gatherings until this spring. No short sleeves or capri pants.  Always on a diet, always feeling bad about herself. And there's very little I can do but offer comfort.

I hope you yourself never have to experience just how important that 'little you can do' may be to her. She may not even realize it herself, for a while, but don't ever think that it's only a little thing. I perfectly understand you wanting to do more, but for uncounted numbers of people, the continuing uncritical love and comfort from their friends may be literally a life-saver.
Carry on, young hero, you're doing good work there.

well put--- unconditional love-- keep on giving it dear Kanaloa

[Opsa]

Kana, I agree. Your support is the best thing this girl could have.

My Mom was very critical of my weight too, even though I was probably never out of the normal weight range as a teenager. Many growing people go through normal cycles of beefing up before getting taller. My Mom apparently didn't remeber this, so every time I reached for a snack, I would hear "You'll get FAT!" from her. When I look back at photos of me during those times I can see I was never even close to being overweight.

The result? I became so worried about getting fat that I became anorexic. I went down to 87 pounds at the height of 5'6" and it didn't look good on my broad northern European frame. I looked like something out of Auswitch. By the time I was diagnosed, I was jaundiced, my menstrual cycles had stopped and my blood pressure was nearly unreadable. My body was calling it quits. One doctor told me "I know what the matter is: you're dead!" He was trying to be funny, but he scared me so much I snapped out of it and decided to take control of my life.

My Mom was not evil, but she's always been just a bit too worried about what other people think. You're friend's Mom may be the same way. I do have a problem with her using her child as a chauffer for her partying, though. That just plain stinks!

You keep offering your support and countering her Mom's bad advice. Maybe you can help her work on a game plan for escaping her Mom's control as soon as she's able. Let it be in an honorary fashion, to go out and make her way in the world as an adult. Help her plan for college or look into volunteer work that could give her enough experience to get a good job so she can save for her own apartment or first month's rent on a shared group home. Show her that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. She'll be a wonderful woman soon. Work towards confidence and independence.

She's lucky to have a friend like you.

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

Thank you. I will.

Yes, she's technically old enough to go off to school, but her choices right now (since her folks are paying) are a local university, or going to school in Tehran.
She chose to stay home.
And I can't blame her.
I also suggested, on a few occasions, that she move out (hell, I even offered to move out with her), but her schooling depends on her parents, and they won't fund it unless she at home, med school or in Iran.

We (there are five of us) have been able to convince her not to go on some of the diets her mom suggests (including some supplement that caused anal leakage ) and her boyfriend does his best (occasionally threatening to shave his head if she does something like use the leaky supplement), and she has gotten better, it seems. She's opened up about it to us, and we do whatever we can for her.

I've only met her mother once, and I can't say for sure what her motives are, but based on what her boyfriend and I have pieced together, we suspect she's a very unhappy woman (she gained a little weight after two children but is apparently not back to being her desired size) and is taking it out on my friend because she's not her younger sister (pretty in a conventional way, hard working, skinny) and is extremely hyper and silly compared to her sibling and mother.

And Op, I'm glad you found the light, as it were.

[anthrobabe]

Oh! the leaky stuff---
yep- I've had experience with that- well not personal but have know others who've tried it (one a police officer with ummmm hilarious on patrol results-the story is legend, brings new meaning to the term 10-24 (officer in trouble)

FYI-- siblings one version of it is called ALLI and is now over the counter-- run away! The scrip version is Xenical (maybe others), it is Orlistat a fat absorbtion blocker and so if you eat too much fat then well.......
to quote Garth "eewww".

Makes it hard when the parents are paying the bills to really be free- my oldest daughters boyfriend is currently living off mom and dad(he is in college and they pay the bills so he can study, he lives in the dorm) he does make good grades and can take 18 hours a semester and keep a 4.0 but when they say jump he has to jump. I guess it is a trade off that works for him for now. Plus his parents are pretty nice people- not too overbearing, just parental and they are not mean to him- so that makes a big difference.

We mothers have got to remember that we can not take it out on our daughters- even unconsciously. This mother probably has no idea she is hurting her child (if she does know then she is a true demon woman).

[Opsa]

You're right, Anthro. Sometimes we want to be so protective of our kids we become overbearing. We have to check ourselves time and time again to see if we need to back off.

Anorexia nervosa is a reaction to being over-controlled. The anorexic seeks despertely to dominate some aspect of her life, so she begins to control the one thing she feels she has power over: her food intake! The point at which it goes from mere dieting to anorexia is when the dieting takes over everything. I spent hours poring over calorie charts and sat in the library studying weight-loss books and magazines. I threw up if I went 100 calories over the 900 I was allowing myself per day. It was pathetic!

Here's the kicker, though: I was out of the house when I started this. I had gotten married early to escpae my mom and found myself with a young, control-freak husband. (I guess I went for what I was used to!) So this girl's boyfriend should take care not to try to control her with threats of shaving his head, or whatever. What she needs is to get off on her own and realize she can control her own life. Once she sees that she can, she'll be fine.

Here's a suggestion: she could look into scholorships so she can remove herself from parental control, or she could take a year off and get a job and live away from her parents, just to get a taste of independence.

It may be a cultural thing, but her Iranian parents probably feel extra protective of her since they are away from their home land. They will probably have to be handled with understanding and gentle firmness. In the end, they may wind up being proud of their spirited daughter.

I'm glad she's hyper and silly. Those are energies that can help her if she masters them well.

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

He's only threatened to do that when she was thinking about purging. We usually resort to other tactics instead.

Lol, her mother used the leaky stuff, but she didn't.

I'm not entirely sure if her mother knows what she's doing, but I hung out with her yesterday and her parents have her on prescription stuff now. "Prescription meth" as she calls it. Has to get off it soon though, before she gets hooked.

I think I'll suggest to her the scholarships when it comes up again.

[anthrobabe]

"prescription meth"? That doesn't sound good at all.
Is she taking something for ADD or ADHD for diet- I hope not- it is pure speed after adolescence. Look up the symptoms for adderall/ritalin/speed online and see if she exhibits any of those symptoms.

Opsanus- my heart to you on overcoming anorexia n. that is a tough one- as I understand it, it is a lifelong thing one is concerned with.

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

She said it's a diet pill, prescribed by her doctor. I don't think her parents would do that to her, or that the doctors in her family would let her parents do that to her, so I assume it's not adderall, etc. I will look it up though. Thank you.

[Aggie]

Could plausibly be ephedrine?  That's one quick chemical rxn away from meth.

OTOH, it used to be sold OTC, and isn't quite as nasty as it's chemical pedigree suggests.  Still addictive and not particularly good for you, though.

[Opsa]

Opsanus- my heart to you on overcoming anorexia n. that is a tough one- as I understand it, it is a lifelong thing one is concerned with.

Thanks Hon! But it so nearly ended my life that I now consider this to be a different life from that one and haven't done any dieting since. My doctor says I remain in the normal range of weight for my height, so I don't worry about it, as long as I'm healthy.

Food is good, being thin is over-rated, and even at my dumpiest I never lacked attention from the opposite sex. Go figure!

Tell her that, Kana.

I am worried about her parents putting her on prescription diet pills! I believe that they are exercising way too much control. She needs to take over for herself.

[Scriblerus the Philosophe]

I would definitely agree that thin is over rated.

I have told her that! She's very pretty, and she has a great boyfriend, and logically she knows it, but its the gap between emotion and logic that's the problem. We've also discussed how unfair it is that her parents punish her something that is her body type (stocky) or untreated thyroid problems, but again, it's that gap.

The diet pills make me nervous, too, but there's only so much I can do! I can't make he parents stop, I don't think they'll listen to me if I mention how dangerous they are (or they'll justify it with, "But she's fat!"). I'm going to try to convince her to drop them ASAP (She has to stop soon anyway), but she's wants so much to please her parents that I'm not sure how much I can do.

[anthrobabe]

Could plausibly be ephedrine?  That's one quick chemical rxn away from meth.

OTOH, it used to be sold OTC, and isn't quite as nasty as it's chemical pedigree suggests.  Still addictive and not particularly good for you, though.

that to---ephedrine is a pretty scary stuff- it needed to be back behind the counter.

if your friend is open and you feel comfortable in this-- don't do it if it will cause her any further distrust or negative feelings issues- you could simply look at her RX bottle. It will say what she is on--- if it says "mixed salts of amphetamine" it is "generic" Adderal.

It is good you feel her doctor and even parents would not let it go that far-- good sign there in that.
Her doctor should run a simple blood test to check her thyroid function- if the thyroid is messed up then the health issues are far greater than some extra weight. Some doctors want to "feel the thyroid" and not run blood work- they trust their hands and experience to be able to "feel" a normal vs abnormal thyroid- this has something to do with medical school- and it can be useful- but does not replace in vitro diagnosis.