Toadfish Monastery

Dear Bart

I remembers bettin' the boys in the tavern that I'd  get a picture o ye wi' yer crutch behind yer neck an' yer spyglass bent double.

Even after buyin' yer 14 pints o' "Blackbeard's Revenge" I still made 15 Guineas profit.

Yours

Auntie Darkroom

Dear Auntie Darkroom

Let that be a warnin to all those young inexperienced pirates out there...14 pints o Blackbeard's Revenge + uncompromising position without proper regalia + cold foggy Porstmouth air = 3 nights in bed with flu and only Pirgella to rub vic on me chest! Or was it Bingo Wings Agnes? It was all a blur...

Yours Calendar Boy

Dear Auntie BlackSushi

Oi bin invited up ter Lunnon fer sum meetins wiv a few Cap'ns. Oi eard ther be an outbraik o strainje poisenin ther an be wunnerin if yer knows if Bart's fish-had stew as reeched em parts yet? Oi be afeard an wunnerin if it be safe ter go?

Yous
Cap'n Lord Earl Treadmill-Brolly

Dear Cap'n Lord Earl Treadmill-Brolly

I think that Bart not be allowed within the city walls, so ye be all right there. As long as ye avoid any glow-in-the-dark pies served up by a man in a homburg an' trenchcoat I think ye'll be OK.

Yours

Auntie Checkpoint

Dear Auntie Black Sausage

I had a meetin with a noice Russian bloke t'other night who was prepared to sell me Fishe Heade Stewe on the Russian Black market.  After we sealed the deal for four thousand barrels to Moscow he insisted on a sample fer himself loik. I was prepared fer such an outcome and had cleverly diluted the Stew with Polonium 210 which had reduced the bright neon glow of the stew to a normal pea soup consistancy.  Anyway my question be do ye think it be more dangerous to be a Pirate or a Russian Spy?

Yours

Captain Anthony Blunt

Dear Cap'n Blunt

Re yer questiun.

It depend wear yer be. If ye be a Pirate an yer stick ter the high seas ther be no evidence it be dangerus. Jest keep away from them new-fangled flying ships. An peeple wot speek funny.

Lord Cap'n Auntie Treadmill-Brolly

With the festive season sweepin up on the Port side in full sail I've taken the liberty o lookin back to last year.  here's a couple of insites as to what wuz goin on then, first one's by me and the reply is The Black Spot:

Dear Auntie

I has been a good Pirate this year (up until me plot to capture Santa with an enormous net). I has treated me crew to a plate o biscuits every month and only had em Keel Hauled if they look at me sideways.

I has asked Santa for a new Tricorn Hat (me parrot shat all over the old un) and a Sonar installation so I can search fer the Wreck o the Hisparus.
Do I have ta go ta bed early and should I leave Santa a pickled Herring or a Mug o Rum?

Yours Sincerely

Captain Tiny Tim



Dear Tiny Tim,

well, assuming a worst case scenario (Santa escapes the nets, rockets, cannons, grapeshot and Iraqi supergun) I suggests ye leaves 'im an alka seltzer. Cap'n DaveL is bound t' leave Santa a bowl o' fish head stew, an I reckons he'll be in dire need o' something medicinal.

Arrr...

Dear Aunty Blackrub,

Someone told me Santa Claus doesn't exist. Does this spoil our plans for this years anti-aircraft action?

Dear DaveL,

Of course Santa exists, at least for now*.  Who do you think eats all the fruitcake and drinks the glasses of port/whisky/rum left out on Christmas eve?  And just who do you think leaves all the presents under the tree for the little kiddies to break on Christmas morning?  The tooth fairy?  The Easter bunny, perhaps?  You know in your heart that Santa is real, now get back to work on making that special celebration dinner for your crew.

*It remains to be seen what the case is after your "anti-aircraft action".

Auntie

Dear Auntie Blackpants

As usual I has been in a quandry tryin to think what ta buy me bunch o cutthr...me loyal crew for Xmas. I has searched on Aaaarghbay, nothin but tat on there.  I searched on Arrrghmazon...too expensive. As ye got any suggestions on what to buy the crew what has everything...they've already got vouchers for 2 minutes at madame Fifi's, a years supply o Fishe Heade Stewe and Pirgella's 'Hot in the Galley' cook book.

Yours Capn Scrooge

Dear Cap'n Scrooge,

Ye culd offer em a "Free Cruise" and then set sail on a sorty o' lootin an' plunderin on the Spanish Main.  Not only will ye be keepin' yer crewe 'appy, but ye'll be makin a tidy proffitte as well.

Auntie Blackheart

Dear Auntie Black is Black

Thank ye for the suggestions, but we spent our summer vacation in Spain and the Spanish Navy be still on the lookout fer us!

Yours,

Capn Errol

Dear Auntie BlackArts

That fella Davy Jones Hockney be wantin ter paint me crew's portraits fer is new exibission. Do yer think e be an onest blokie or be e after the perlice rewards?

Yours

Lord Cap'n Earl Treadmill-Poolside

Dear Lord Cap'n Earl Treadmill-Poolside

That Hockney fellar be a right lubber.  I seen one o his paintins o water and it were crap.  All he'd done was wack a bit o blue paint on and drawn a big splash in t'middle with a dab o white paint.  The blaggard couldn't even be bovered to draw some waves!

Ye'd be better off commissionin that new up and comin artist...what's is name...Picaaaarghso.  At least he can draw faces.

Yours,

Capn Brian Sewell

Dear Cap'n Brian Sewell

Oi don't know as oo ye can be referrin ter. Davey Jones Hockney draws loads o waves.

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Me cabin boys be gettin excited abawt is proposed visit.

Oi bet yer crew think ye be a spoilsport. Ther be no better sport than swimmin.

Yours

Cap'n Lord Earl Cap'n Treadmill-Pool