Toadfish Monastery

..."<mrpmph!!!???>" said Phil, for Lil had covered his mouth with her hand.

"Quiet", she whispered.

Nearby, two suspicious looking pirates could be seen conversing in Russian accents.  Lil almost fainted when she saw that hanging out one of the pirates pants was a floppy...

.......union flag. She rushed over, pulled it out screaming this must be erected at once in the Queen's Square; does anyone have a pole? Several people surged forwards from the crowd but it was the two conversing in Russian accents that got to the centre of the square first. They uttered a few words in Russian which sounded like "heer Elyana Alexndria Lil, ooz ower Polez plixz. The crowd jeered. They knew fake Russian when they heard it. The yelled out demands for the two men to prove their credentials by showing them their.................

...bare bodkins , many a seafarer had not seen rushing bodkins before and with lecherous grins they set upon the two bare...

...pated sailors.  For these two were bald as billiard balls, and everyone knows that true Russian pirates have thick tresses.

Many a fine looking woman stood around watching the melee. Phil, a red blooded hamster male, was enjoying the sight, looking up...

..." YONDA BE DA CASSEL OVE ME FADDA...DA CALUFF ! ", shouted the rushing pirate , named Stroganoff , pointing his...

......puny.......

...ears up . Phil leaned over to ask Lillian , " Wot did 'ee say Lil ? I had me tail in me good ear...look at what I got..." .

Lil glared at the hamster .

Lillian was deer mouse , and was of fowl mood  today . Those fleas bites were becoming so bothersome .

" I dunno dearie " , responded an itchy Lil , "I dont unnerstan' Russian  but I tell ye thus ...

he probably saying something foul.  Humpff.  Men!", she said and stalked off.

Phil cleaned off the end of his tail and hurried after her.

Meanwhile, the two rushin' pirates dropped their...

...eggs all into one basket were they broke open .The hurried pirates decided to stop and have a lunch of scrambled eggs and craving bacon went after the only animal around...a fat hamster picking his ear with his tal just down the beach . The hungry pirates began to ...

.... pick at their scabs in a desperate attempt (mirroring behaviour) to convince the hamster they were benevolent friends. But the hamster had met hungry pirates before and failed to be seduced by their...............

... by their bree , cheddar , swiss or provolone . Phil liked to eat ...

...Gorgonzola.  In fact he liked it so much that the merest whiff of that fabled Italian blue cheese gave him a huge...

...appetite.

As a matter of fact, a new cheese shop had just opened up down the street and Phil rushed in, hoping for his favorite.  "One pound of Gorgonzola", he ordered, licking his lips.

"Sorry, we're all out of that.", said the cheese monger.

"Well, how about some Havarti?", asked Phil.

"We're all out of that, too."

Just then, the two rushing pirates burst through the door.  They stopped dead in their tracks, for they were extremely embarrassed to be seen chasing a hamster.  To cover his embarrassment, one of the pirates ordered some Munster.

"Don't got none of that, neither", said the cheese monger.

While the pirates were going through a long list of cheeses, none of which were available in the cheese shop, Phil quietly made his way out the side door, where he ran into...

... John Cleese.  "I wouldn't go in there mate, if I were you," Phil said, "there isn't a skerrick of cheese to be found in the place."    "Well, blow me down with a feather", said John, " a talking hampster!"  and with that John turned around and thereby deprived countless millions of one of their favourite Monty Python sketches.

Meanwhile Phil made good his escape from his two pursuers, by taking a short cut past the back of PPS distillery, at least until a strangely attractive aroma csught his attention and, despite the constant string of invective issuing from within he stepped inside through a crack in the wall, to be confronted by Stillmaster Bluenose in what can only be described as a compromising position involving a length of curtain rod, three rubber gloves and...

.......the front door. Swiftly changing direction, he ran into the back door. It proved to be one door too many and Phil keeled over. Just at that moment a bouzouki could be heard and Phil lay on the sawdust floor swooning to its mellifluous wailing. The rushing pirates began to dance the hornpipe but the tempo was all wrong and their feet became irretrievably tangled together. The two conjoined pirates tried to disengage their.............