Toadfish Monastery

Several Bodies Washed Ashore

The remains of several unidentified humans and a cat were washed ashore last night. The bodies were all entangled but it has been established that several legs are missing. Assistance in identification may be required.

Search for Calico Jack Continues


::::Guest reporter : Mad Will :::

@#$%! Dang it all ! , I looked at sum fresh corpses but Jack not be dARR! .

Now I'm goan look over dARR !....Ye see dat run down howse dARR ...well Jack taint dARR  nedder .

                Old Section of Portsmouth Conspiring Against Pirates ?

This reporter on a recent stroll through the old section of Portsmouth found himself barred from sending bottle messages to the pirates at sea or speaking openly in any public places .

I must ask , has any other denizen of New Portsmouth been treated in the same manner ?

The town crier stated that I could not make any statements whatsoever so soon after my last communique which was 18 hours past .
It is the opinion of this reporter that the town's council is bias against the pirates This is an affront to those that have contributed so much to the towns growth and prosperity .

Is a conspiracy afoot ? The raiding party must have made the town council very frightened indeed of the nefarious group .

This reporters theorizes that council members Robart Tiddypoopydoodle  Hendersnottyton III and Gasbagage  Bacniffer Noshamham are responsible !

BIG RON DOES ONE TOO MANY

Town residents are up in arms over Big Ron's gaseous emissions, coming from his butcher store. The green haze could be seen for miles out to sea.

Reporters discovered that Big Ron had been out with the Butchery fraternity for a vindaloo night and the side effects were disasterous.

Police have cordoned off the street and have employed large ventilation fans to disperse the vapours.

Portsmouth Sewage Treatment plant is expecting the end result any minute now.

Admiral Benbow Applauded For Sanitary Improvements ,

Town Council , residents , patrons and staff of the Benbow were delighted at Saucy Gert Pettigrew's recent idea of self emptying spittons .

" with one good eye and all I tends to miss if someone moves it a foot or two " , said WunEyed Jack .

"Yarrr! Wen I falls into em now I wont drown " , said an anonymous pirate.

"Yarr! I wont break me neck frum all the flooding , some of them be mighty full an slippy " , said his unnamed companion .


         

THE RAGING QUEEN TERRORIZES PORTSMOUTH !


Seaman from the most feared of all vessels , " The Raging Queen " , went on a rampage at dawn  , throwing rocks everywhere .

" This looks so much better , and we are not throwing rocks , we are paving the streets with cobblestone . "  , replied Capn Lance .

" Do you think this one should go over there ? "

                                              Frog Pirates to visit Postsmouth

Officials confirmed that the crew of the Bony Part will be at dock some time this evening  .
Apparently they wish to sample the fare  of New Section 's restARRaunts and entARRtainment notables .

Cap'n cronan returns from Spanish Holiday!

Panic buyin of Life Jackets broke out in Portsmouth as rumours of Cap'n Cronan's return abounded.   After an uncharacteristic dry spell in the Portsmouth area with almost clear skies and no fog, there were reports of storms and tempests gatherin ahead of the fearsome Pirate's return.

Mrs Bucket of the Portsmouth branch of AAARRRRGUS said "we allways does a brisk trade in loif jackets and floatation aids this toim of year..don't seem to do the poor buggers no good though, they all drowns anyway!"

Portsmouth Receives State-of-the-Art Architecture and Design Center

Overnight, a large new structure mysteriously appeared in central Portsmouth.



A scrap of paper in its immediate vicinity was discovered to apparently be a press release from the Famously Rich Architects United with Designers organization, or FRAUD. "We are proud to declare that we have selected Portsmouth as the winner of our urban renewal competition, and have accordingly dumped erected a state-of-the-art center for the advancement of architecture and design. We are very excited to be able to contribute to the modernization of such a ratty vibrant community, and feel that the cutting-edge design and construction of the center will fit right into the Portsmouth scene."

Attempts to contact FRAUD yielded no further comment, as the organization's spokesperson claimed to represent Tony's Trash Collection Services, Inc.

In other news, unusually large swarms of flies have been sighted in the Portsmouth area.

   "Frog Pirates A Delight" , say local restARRaunteers!


  Members of the  Portsmouth Business Association were aflutter over the Frog Pirates , " Tastes loike chicken " , remarked Calico Jack .

   The Queen's Record body Count

Portsmouth General announced earlier today that the Raging Queen's recent rampage of terror through Portsmouth resulted in 74 injured pirates .
" Twas 'orrible " , said The Black Spot ," thee Benbow be full dat nite , most alla injuries be frum us trying ta git away ".

Indeed ,  scores of broken peglegs tell the tale of the carnage wrought forth from these monsterous pirates.

" I neffer be able ta sleep agin " , said WalkThe Plank who was caught and bathed , " the shame of it all ".

" I bin violated " , said the naked Captain DaveL , " They took every piece a pink clothing I ever plundered .

@#$%&! Kweens , screamed Mad Will , " the bastids cleaned en polished da @#$@%$&! streets , I dun slup en crak me noggin.... damn #@%$! Raging Kween !

" MEN " ! , cried out Bluenose , " I say we band together an sink em with all dat Big Ron has rottin...ah... stored away !

With this all the pirates turned away sheepishly and gazed into their grog in silence . The forlorn Bluenose turned up his nose and hobbled out into the street. Moments later the sound of a crash , splintering wood and a cursing Bluenose echoed through the towne .

Towne Council has called an emergency meeting at 8 bells to discuss the problem .

The Bony Part Points at Portsmouth Gourmands !


The Captain of the Bony Part proclaimed with great emotion , and appeared very distraught as be hopped about the decks . He was not able to suppress the croaking during his fervent appeal for the safe return of his crew .

This alleged crew ," neffer shoad ip !" , burped a member of Portsmouth Fine Food Sampling Association .

When this reporter mentioned a larger group was formed to search , the PFFSA says ," red or white wine as marinate or  brandy and flambe'    will be to nights topic .

Pirates embroiled in TEA war

A full scale war as broken out on Verganza since the arrival of 'Tea' drinkers in Portsmouth.  Portsmouth has been ravaged by mud slingin between the traditional Grog addled pirates and a new breed of clean livin Cliff Richard type Pirates what drink...TEA!!!!  The battle has raged so long and hard that the Pirate Thread on verganza has overtaken the politics thread to become the second most popular thread on the discussion board.

Casualties have been high.  The ringleader, a complete nonse, callin himself the Revereand Rowan Redbeard has suffered continual personal attacks from Black Bart and The Black Spot leavin him with a singed beard and a broken tea set!

Black Bart has had to post so much in the heat of battle, he's worn out several hooks and 5 scumsoft computer keyboards!  There appears to be no end in sight to the war and ye can get a taste of it by playin the new Scumsoft/Cutlass game:

This Just In

It seems that the esteemed physician on board the ship captained by none other than Black Bart himself (this journalist has shivers just thinking about BB being back in port), has put down his bone saw and picked up his cutlass in the Great Gawdawful Terrible Tea War or GGTTW as it is now becoming known as.

I was fortunate enought to catch up with Doc Angus George the well tanned and get this quote,
"GGAAAAHHHHH!  Bein frum tha Boston Colony I kin sures understands tha issues me capin be 'avin wif TEA!!!!  "scuse me now lassie whilst I runs some blaggards through wif me cutlass."
when last seen Doc Angus was chargin down beggars alley screaming, " I'll make ye fink tea ye finks!"

Cap'n Dave L takes Down a Looney in broad daylight

In a blood thirsty day in the Verganza Quarter of Portsmouth (always a no go area) there were terrible scenes of blood curdling horror as Pistol toting Cap'n Dave showed no mercy to the poor swab who'd lost his marbles thru eatin too much Fish Head Stew.

After days of sufferin the ramblings of the poor sailors deranged mind, which included Dancing Black Skeletons and Talking Green potatoes, Cap'n Dave finally snapped.  The hapless swab was blasted off the pages of Venganza and into oblivion (ie baninated).

"Let that be a lesson to ye, yer mutinous swabs" said Cap'n Dave to the trembling mimions of the Pirate board...I don't fink he'll be having any more trouble...unless the Fish Head Stew madness strikes again!