Toadfish Monastery

Dear Scumsoft

before I's start tearing into ya wi' me complaint, I fink I should get yer name right. Are you A. Wanker or A. Plonker? Someone told me you were called Robin Bastid.

Yours

Cap'n Cog

Dear Cap'n Cog

Scumsoft has no complaints department. We have no need for one as our products and services are always well received.

Should you wish to continue complaining, we recommend a company called Scumrot whose business is geared entirely towards satisfying complaining customers. (Please note the similarity in name is pure coincidence). They offer a premier complaints service for a very reasonable fee which will handle your complaint. They cover a full range of complaints and have very experienced staff. The team is headed up by a lovely elderly lady, Eileen Dover, who will make you a nice cup of tea to calm you down. If you visit during the summer months you may have the added joy of watching Moses Lawn at work. We cannot reccomend them too highly or we may get arrested by the Monopolies Commission.

Yours

Scumsoft

Dear Scumsoft,

I received your kit for beating me head against the wall, but when I tried to install it, it told me that I had to get either a new wall or a new head, one or the other (or both) of mine are obsolete.

Where might I pillage said items?

Dear Cap'n

Our "Head to Wall Interface" seems very popular with our customers.

You are probably running "Headsmasher 95" if you are getting this error message. We no longer support this version, but a workround is available. Simply take a long run up (50 yards should do it) on your first attempt.

No Headsmasher customer has ever come back to us to complain after we have given them this handy tip.

Yours sincerely

Scumsoft

Dear Scumsoft,

That deleted me old head, but oi still have not received an upgraded version. Or virgin. Either would be suitable for me porposes at this point in toim.

Jellygums (presently decapitated)

Dear Jellygums.

I am your new helpdesk consultant.

I am on work placement. This is a skeme from skool wear we practic fer real.

The Scumsoft are a brill company and lets us.

I hope I can help you.

I am sendinyou a knew hed fur yoor cat.

Yours
Trully
Scumsoft WP.DickH.Primus

ps. if you fink I am good, can you writ and tel me head marster Mr Cullinaeyry. Fanks

Dear Mr. Primus,

Have installed cat-head on self, but am now eating from the floor, hissing at the postman, clawing the sofa and pooping in the bathtub.

Oi wonder if oi might bother you for an update on this head. Mayhaps something in Primate may be more suitable to my current operating sytem.

Rweor, mwrowr,
Jellygums

Dear Jellygums

Pleese return the hed fur yer cat.

They has tied me up an wont let me out of the stock cubboard. They says the stock in the stock cupboard is not fer customers.

I need ter get bak ter skool. Me work placement has not bin rite fer me. Wen you  send the hed fur yer cat bak, can yer enclose sergestiuns fer sum different work fer me.

Scumsoft are Scum (dont tell them I said that).

Yous Dick.H Thanks.

Dear Scumsoft,

*Switch rant on*

Is watching computer screens the new smoking?

O'ive be noting alot of people seem addicted to gazing at flashing screens. When I'm on the train, when I'm on a bus, when I'm at work. Even young kids are hooked on these blasted Nintendos. Where will it end?

Is Scumsoft's official policy that the developed world is passified watching screens, while some other bloomin' country gets invaded?

YArrr, I know let's play 'Halo 4' or 'Tetris' while the Amazon Rainforest gets cut down! We'll just switch off our brains, Arghhh, I get it!

Would youse prefer us to download 'One Night in Portsmouth' (featurin' Brenda McTavish) rather than question the balance of trade figures? I bet youse do, yer sneaky blaggards!

We know youse are up to sumthin' Scumsoft. Fess up!

Paranoidly yours,

Cuthbert Collins,
Screenwatchers Support Group

*switch rant off*

Dear Scumsoft,

Oi hev been tryin' to install the latest version of yer "Portholes" operatin' system. A large cloud of black smoke gathers over me computer evvery toime I try it.

Is me computer hainted, or is this normal for the installation of this new Portholes "Black Death inna Box" what I got at the computer shoppe down by the docks?

Yours inquisitively,
Sgt. Smoky LeBruin

Dear Sgt. Smoky LeBruin

That shop down by the docks be useless. They shuld not be sellin "Black Death inna Box" on its own. They bin told cowntless times ter chek custemers av "Doctor Portholes" an if not sell em this too.

Oi wuldnt advise yer ter go ther agin. Ther be a franchise fer "Doctor Portholes" wot be moor elpful and giv us a charitable donation wiv every copee they cell. They be away jest now on a Quest tho so ye may av ter wayt.

Scumsoft Helpdesk

Dear Help Desk

Oi think Ois bein stawlked or summat. Oi jest looked at that Amazin website, ther wun you can bye books an stuff. Thing is, Oi wer not usin me usuwal mashine, Oi wer usin a diffferint wun. But wen Amazin cum up on ther screan it wer sayin Hello Cap'n Lord Treadmill. Ow can it kno oo Oi am? Am oi bein stawlked by a cyber nutter?

Yours

Cap'n Lord Lord Earl Viscount Treadmill-Cookie BAR

YYYAAARRRRR...I thinks Amazin be rubbish...keeps tellin me to buy Aretha Franklin records...

We've got recommendations fer ye sais amazin: Aretha Franklin this, Aretha Franklin Calendar, Aretha Franklin that...I types in: 'What be the answer to 2-30/40 and it gives me 'Aretha Franklin the vital statistics!!!!

In these days of employee relations an looking arter yer staff I as been thinking I be getting a bit soft but then after a chance conversation with The Black Spot, I was directed to this website.

www.flogaswab.com

It esplains why ye must give yer crew a good hiding every day and then the techniques yer need in doing it.  The author is none other than the vicious brute The Black Spot an you are left in no doubt that ere is a man who loves the savagery that e imparts on the lowlifes on is ship. 

I am now a reformed Pirate Cap'n and spend an hour flogging afore breakfast every day.

Dear Scumsoft,

Oi keeps getting these phunny emails from the 'Bank of Portsmouth'.

They said there be a security scare and they be askin' me to supply me account details, just in case me details disappear.

Shoulds Oi be trustin' them?

Koind Regards

Capn Gullable