Toadfish Monastery

Dear Sewell

I has no truck wi' artists meself. One came aboard me ship to paint me portrait last week. I sez to 'im "Arrrr... paint me proper. Don't pretty it up, paint me warts an' all."

"Certainly Captain," he said, and went to work. A few days later, 'ee said it were finished.

When 'ee unveiled it in front o' me an me crew, I were shocked. What 'ee had painted looked nothing like the fine figure o' a man that I saw in the mirror each morning.

Me noble, thoughtful face 'ad bin replaced by brutish, primitive lookin' features. Me cheery grin 'ad become a thin lipped evil smirk, an me gentle, contemplative eye peered out with a reptilian stare of low cunning. The whole thing had a ghastly air o' smug viciousness about it.

Enraged, I turned to me crew. "'Oo thinks this looks like me?" I hollered. Everyone shook their heads rapidly. I turned to the artist an' I lost me temper a bit with 'im.

Oh well, expect me to be sellin' a secondhand beret an' a few brushes an paints on Arrr-Bay shortly.

Dear Sewell

Oi's ad ter remove the painting by Davy Jones Hockney. It appears that it were playgiary or summat an Oi ad a load o complaynts. Oi ope ter win ther bid on aaaarghbay fer a portrait o The Black Spot but Oi as swarn I wont go abuv 3 farthins fer it.

Yours

Lord Cap'n Earl Treadmill-Poolside

Dear Black Spot

I disagrees with ye, them artists fellars can come in handy. Take the toim when I were accused of not buyin a round a drinks at the Pirates' Tortuga Beach Party. Luckily I had bumped into Gauguin who appened to be passin through on his way to Tahiti, and I had the fellar paint the whole scene with me handin over a huge bag o dubloons to the bartender. 

I keeps the picture in me cabin, so when me crew come in fer their monthly wages - four and half biscuits each - they can plainly see what a generous Capn be lookin arter them.

Dear Auntie BlackTeeth,

Me computer has gone wahoonie-shaped on me, and Oi am reduced to th' borrowin' of computational abilities from an ol' shipmate. 'Ee be a roight foine feller, but 'ee 'as arl these hextra knobs and buttons on his computer fer stuff that no respektibul Poirate needs.

Me question is, shuld I jist corntinyu to use 'is device, since 'ee is tryin' ter repair moine, er shud Oi flog this 'un and buy grog?

Your Obdt. Servt.
Captain Clueless

Dear Cap'n Clueless,

Oime shure the answer ter yer question be found if ye look deep in ye 'eart.  Tis obvious ye shuld wate til yer shipmate 'as got yer komputa werkin agin an then go fer the grog option.

Boi the way, wuld ye be interested in one o Prune Komputer's latest gadjets, the pPhone?  It be jess the fing fer all ye piratical kommunicashuns, ye can use PMS (the Pirate messagin Systum), Send em pmails, store all ye favrite sea shanties and wotch yer faverite pirate movees and even talk ter all yer blaggards on it.  It be a right new must 'ave fer the modden pirate and only 500 Dubloons.

Cap'n Blackmarket

Dear Cap'n Blackmarket

It was ye what sold me that job lot of special life vests weren't it ...

When me ship sank in Portsmouth harbour they turned out to be inflatable cabin boys ye blaggard!

It was the position of the inflation valve what caused the most embarrassment!

Yours Capn Redface

Dear Aunty Blackbeard,

Life in prison ain't exactly a hoot.

Oi've been forced to share me prison cell wif Elroy 'The Brute' Timmins. Elroy was incarcerated for going beserk and murderin' 6 of his majesties finest ina tavern one night.

What's worse, I 'aves to share a bunk wifs him. As Elroy is on the top bunk, his weight causes awful sag in the matress. Plus he snores like a jackhammer.

From time to time, Elroy gets lonely and needs a cuddle. Oi keep tellin him he's a grown man, and only babies need cuddles.

Other than that he's well balanced and fine.

Do yer think Oi 'aves anything to worry about?

Kind Regards,

Bustlin' Brian

Dear Brian

D' ye remember the toim ye came round ta fix me plumbin...

D'ye remember what my husband did with the plunger arter he saw what a terrible job ye'd done...

That's what Elroy's going to do you unless you can glue yer back to the wall!!!

Dear Auntie Black Robe,

Oi be a stewdent o' the Portsmouth Piratical Public Skool and th' other day there were a gianormous exploshun durin our distillery class.  Oi noticed that after the insewerants claim were payed that the new still be a Stillmaster 3000 Ultra Professional instedd o' the bit o' old rubbish wot woz there before.  I speck there as been a bit of creative claimin goin on, an Oi wood not be surprised if our Distillery Master were not involved 'coz 'e be shifty lookin character.

Wot dyer rekommende be me approach - shuld Oi jess blackmail 'im, or do ye think Oi orta try a more subtle approach.  We bin gettin sum good advice in ARGH 109 where Mr Kyoodle as been teachin us some o' the finer points o' wealth liberatin, but Oi not be shoore if it be a good idea to try 'em owt on the faculty staff.

Master Sneeky Basket

Dear Mr S.M Basket,

Your plan be a very devious one and Oi thinks that Mr Kiyoodle would be most impressed wifs yer initiative. O'id be checkin to make sure Mr Kiyoodle is not a beneficiary of the insurance scam.

Then O'id send a little blackmail note to Principal Cullinane, notifying him that his Mrs Cullinane will be waiting for him outside Madame Fifi's ifs he doesn't cough up 5,000 in unmarked dubloon.

If yer pull it off, you are guaranteed an A+ in ARGH 109. Ifs not, well you can always bribe yer way to an A+. YArrr!

Koind Regards,
Aunty Black Robe

Deer Aunty Blackmarket

Me latest scam business venture be goin off loike a firecracker.  The swabs are buyin Captain's Delight loike there be no tomorrow.  Of course iffe they drink too much o' it there won't be, but Oi digress.

Me new still be werkin a treat and Oi'm not havin enny trubble keeping up wiv supply from that front, an Oi got me scurvey little baskits foine yung students scowtin aroun gettin me plenty o bottles, plus we got in a job lot o' Captain's Delight labels so there be no worries there.

Wot Oi' am 'avin a bit o' trubbel wiv is the ratte poison sekret ingredient No 27.  Oi seem ter 'ave exhorsted the Portsmouth supply o' this essentshul additive.  D'yer 'ave enny sudjestyuns o' wot Oi cen use until Oi can get a shipment in?  Oi 'ave considered usin Bart's Fishe Eadde Stewe but there apeears ter be sum palatability problems wiv it.  Enny advice will be gratefully received.

Cap'n Bluenose
Dsitillery Master
Portsmouth Pirate Public Skool

Dear Distillery Master Bluenose

You're doing a splendid job helping to finance the school by getting your pupils to produce your hooch fine liqueurs.

Re your request for secret ingredient 27: I'm afraid that I'm all out of aromatic spices and gentle aromas, so please find enclosed some stuff that the cook uses to scrub out the oven.

Keep up the good work!

Auntie

Dear Auntie Black Robe

I has had the misfortune to be sent on a quest to find the Holy Grail.  I read back in history to see what appened to the last lot what tried this questin lark.  I noticed that the laddy what succeeded had passed all sorts o moral tests and was full of mental cunning and physical strength! The rest o them ended up dead in orrible ways!  Do you think I have a chance?  I can tie 3 different knots and I am quite good at Space Invaders.

Yours Black (Mine's a Shrubbery) Bart

Dear Bart,

You should be safe on your quest so long as you keep you Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in your kit bag.  Avoid strange women lying in ponds distributing swords - it always ends in tears.

Auntie Black Knight

Dear Auntie B

Yes, yes, yes...but will I end up with a nice shrubbery?

Yours

Black Alan Titchmarsh