Toadfish Monastery

Scumsoft Announces Portholes Dead!

Click http://wwww.Scumsoft.net/Portholes/Dead for the latest Portholes messengering system for all Piratical instant messengering. Communicate with yer fellow Cap'ns even if they be in Davey Jones Locker. Our motto, no depth, no action, our system makes full use of the deepest darkest paths under the ocean to reach other Capn's no one else can reach. Buy Today. Price: one soul to the Devil. Or why not buy yer frend a Gift Voucher fer Christmas? Yer know it makes sense.

Dear 'Elpdesk

I installed the trial version o' Porthloes Dead an' thought it were a load o' old pony. Trouble is, I can find no way to uninstall the bastid.

Now, when me machine boots up, I gets a screen tellin' me to upgrade to the full version o' Portholes Dead. This screen appears every 15 seconds until half an hour has passed, then it flashes up every 7 seconds. It's taken me an hour to write this message as  I has to cancel the bluddy nag screen every 3 seconds now.

'Ow does I get rid o' this monster?

Yours

Cap'n Hair Tearer

Dear Cap'n Hair Tearer

Ye can't uninstall Portholes Dead! It be an integer integral part o Portholes Op Sys. If ye adn't installed it, it wuld ave installed itself.

We wuld like ter re-assuar ye that ye will grow ter find it invaluable.

Scumsoft

Dear Elpdesk

Fer once yer technician was of actual elp.  He came round and pointed out I ought to stop usin the CD drive as a shelf fer me grog.  It be bendin under the weight o me special Hogshead Tankard!  Howsever in me gratitude and surprise I forgots to ask...'Can I use it as a perch fer me parrot?'

Yours Capn Pewterilliterate

Dear Scumsoft

Oi ran that program yer sold me recently ter print out a shaggy dog story so's Oi can entertain me crew over the festive season.

Me printer's bin runnin fer three days non-stop an nuffin I do will stop it.

Wot's ther short-cut key fer the punchline?

Yours Cap'n Vau de Ville

Dear Capn Vau de Ville

We've heard your shaggy dog tales before:

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

No wonder your printer isn't working!!!!

NB: Scumsoft will be out of office until the Christmas party finishes some time in the new year!

Dear Scumsoft

Me "Cap'n" accownt gives me permissions includin 'abuse'. Oi as jest found sum of me crew's accownt as this too. Ow is this possible? Oi thawt it wer jest Cap'ns wot were Power Users.

Yours

Cap'n Lord Earl Viscount Treadmill-Whiplash

Dear Capn,

Oi heards the Captain be subscribin' to Scumbag XP Version 'Arrr' which allows such 'abuse'permishuns to be granted.

Ifs yer be needin additional permishuns, such as the 'cyber cat-o-nine tails', 'cyber keelhauling' or 'cyber trip to Madame Fifi's' Oi be asking 30 dubloons extra per permission.

Send yer money to Bustlin Brian c/- Portmouth Prison Scumsoft.

Dear Capn Dave L

Your computer has reached it's 'Expurgation' limit.  You will not be able to cross out any more dodgy words unless you purchase an extended 'Expurgation' licence available from Scumsoft at a cost of 400 dubloons.

Yours sincerely

Scumsoft X Files
(The truth is out there...but not in Dave L's posts!)

Dear Elpdesk

I installed Portholes Avarsta an' when I rebooted me machine it made a funny noise. This hummin' noise got louder an louder an' then a screen said "4 Gigabites of RAM in use. More memory required". Then the 'um turned into a high pitched shriek an a bolt of lightning shot out o' me cabin into a midshipman's 'ead. 'Ee collapsed to the floor an the computer screen said "MORE MEMORY REQUIRED"

At this point, several electric bolts shot across me deck an' caught all me officers in the forehead. They fell down gibberin' nonsensically an the machine said "MORE! MORE!"

Befores I could move, the machine reached out an' sucked the brains out o' all me crew. Fer some reason it left me alone.

Be this a feature or a design fault?

Cap'n Sieve.

Dear Cap'n Seive,

Ye obviously 'ave perchased the "Enterprise Edition" o' Avarsta.  It be a feature o' this version that ye entire enterprise be devoted to the runnin o' ye brand new operatin system.  Avarsta be takin over the runnin o' ye crew fer ye and is jess updatin theire firmware.  Wunce this is complete, which shuld take less than 3 days, ye will begin ter see the benefits o' havin' an Avarsta equipped shippe.  Ye can help the process along a bit by perchasin anuvva 20 GB of RAM from the Scumsoft Online Shoppe fer a mere 1,326 Dubloons, plus post & packaging o' 50 Dubloons.

In the mean time, 'ere be a free copy o' Tetris fer ye ter praktiss on before goin back inter the arkade.

Mr Kom Pleatbastid
Manager
Scumsoft 'ElpDesk

TOP SECRET ..... leaked email from Scumsoft staff mailing list...

Colleagues

Ref. Head of Customer Services

This personage may receive letters addressed to him as A. Wanker.
Please intercept them and forward to our complaints department. Unfortunatley one of our Help Desk staff insisted to a customer that this really truly really really truly was this personages name.

May we wish all our staff and customers happier times ahead and also please note we do not have a Customer Services Department.

Edit :  true story, yes I really did send a letter to .... not sure who the joke was on....

I can believe his name was: A. Wanker...

I has heard there be a lot of em at Scumsoft!

Har, har, har....

They have a Mr. A. Plonker too !  Do you have to have odd names to work in Customer Services?

Ye ave to admit though...whoever put the words Scum and Soft together was a genius!