Toadfish Monastery

The Roman magistrate song

Tune: The Major General's Song (Gilbert&Sullivan: The Pirates of Penzance)


Chorus: |: His name is Marcus Tullius Cicero :|

Cicero: My name is/Indeed I'm Marcus Tullius Cicero


1.

I am the very model of a proper Roman magistrate

although of origin a poor provincial legal advocate

I came to Rome with country drawl, behaved and clothed/dressed still/quite prissily

Then came to fame defending the oppressed poor folks of Sicily.

I beat that Asianic fop, illustrious Hortensius

The greatest advocate till then, an omen so portentious

That gave my standing quite a boost. I moved to better neighbourhood

    [neighbourhood! maidenhood? hazelwood? Oh, of course!]

I can/could afford now finally some furniture of citrus wood

I ran the course of honors through and "suo anno" at each stage

An akin meteoric rise you'll seek in vain on his'try's page

See, does/did not turn my origin as studied legal advocate

me into a fine model for a proper Roman magistrate?


2.

I love the lengthy period with con- and subjunctives galore

I best each verbal labyrinth as Theseus did the minotaur

I know my ornaments and tropes from zeugma to apostrophy

I practice hypotyposis that leads to eucatastrophe

I shun the tmesis like the plague, don't mix en- with hypallage

Against non-cretic clausulae I have an aching allergy

Occasions for anacoluth or sentence aposiopese...

[mayonaise? Calliopese? Alcibiades?... Eureka/I've got it/Ah, but of course!]

And don't insinuate insinuations are just lies - oh, please.

I can explain the difference twixt alleg'ry and metaphor

and can provide for evr'y term the context that it matters for

This stanza has too many lines, I humbly do apologise

    [eulogize?...extemporize? Nobel prize?... Something more epic!]

But with this topic dear to me the words swell like Apollo's rise

No one can yet convict me of abuse of inconcinnity

My subtle sense of tone does truly verge on pure divinity

So I from modest origins, a mere provincial advocate,

became the very model of a brilliant Roman magistrate


3.

I dabble in philosophy, in dreams I talk to Socrates

Of rivals I am as devoid as medicine's Hippocrates

A challenger compared to me sounds Numid or Iberian

I'd win a dispute easily no matter what criterion.

I can force words to do my will, of Latin mine is mastery

Comparable my aptitude to expert sculptor's plastery

I keep my gestures dignified, at least when on the senate floor

[senate floor...janitor?...penny whore?...Ah! Of course!]

Avoid the roll-of-eyes and row-of-arms, I'm not a semaphor.

A homo novus though I am, by birth a mere equestrian

I soared through toil and eloquence past nobles more pedestrian

So out of plainest origins a paltry legal advocate

arose as very model of a palmy Roman magistrate


4.

I have a slave named Tiro who brought forth the art stenography

And who, if fates permit, one day will publish my biography

He notes down ev'ry word that in the public or at home I've said

And of course in the most august assembly here in Rome, senate!

Although with voters common I will be at times gregarious

I find the populares faction utterly nefarious

So without doubt I throw my lot in with the noble optimates

    [optimates! obstinates? pots and plates?... I've got it!]

For what they're always aiming at "best for the state" approximates

I love the toga candida and the elections annual

My brother Quintus was so kind to write the winner's manual

With this assistance I was spared a certain loser's tragic fate

Became with vote unanimous of Rome the highest magistrate


5.

I can declaim in Greek like born in Athens or in Miletos

I showed that rascal Catiline who really is in Rome the boss

Some say his motivation was just violated vanity

But then to start a coup attempt was madness and insanity

He clearly was a bolshevik, although I don't know what that means,

and right against the mos maiorum but that's normal for such fiends

I then got hailed as savior of our sacred fatherland

[fatherland...rather bent?...leather scent?...EUREKA]

but squinting sods did disagree and planned my triumphs there to end.

Thus afterwards you exiled me through that tribune so odious

Who had exchanged his honest name for that of vulgar Clodius

With fire denied (and water too) exiled to places desolate

I fell down from the lofty peak of supreme Roman magistrate


6.

It's said the perfect orator a good man is well versed in speech

And for him who has mastered this no thing to aim for 's out of reach

I climbed through efforts tireless the heights of Attic oratory

I penned some self-promoting but unsuccessful epic poetry

The way I use the language shall one day be made canonical

Which given no bum talks like this should be seen as ironical

Categorise my style as neither Asian nor atticist

    [pacifist, can't resist? Oh, me stupid!]

I walk the golden middle course, am not baroque but classicist

I made the Latin language shine and stay for all eternity

To form with Persian, Greek, Sanskrit forever a fraternity

And thus despite my origin as country bumpkin advocate

my eloquence made me the model of a Roman magistrate 


7.

Indeed it was an/the orator who first united as a group

the cultureless humanity fed up with bitter acorn soup

He taught them all there was to know and how to found a/the city state

He was the natural candidate to serve as its first magistrate

We know that our first Roman king - Quirinus Romulus - could wield

The word as well as any sword. The eloquence served as his shield

Then Numa his more peaceful heir could do away with sagum red

    [garum fed?...Boba Fett?... Ouch! It' s so obvious]

Inspired by Camena's source/spring he governed in the toga clad

And this tradition it holds true while seven centuries have passed

If to my precepts/teachings you will hold, for many more it's going to last

To Rome despite my origins as rural legal advocate

The gods called me as model both as orator and magistrate


8.

The orator before all things must never ever be a bore

And even on the dullest topic find his mark and hit full score

But this be done/he does with dignity, avoiding all cheap stage effects

And with quick wit the heckling claque's intrusions craftily deflects

An orator worth of the name of ev'rything has ample gist

And, if he hasn't, he can still make use of an exempla/example list

But I digress - I often do - but this is not the lecture hall

Please don't take it as flattery me saying that I love you all

What is this world, if not a stage, for each of us a part to play?

    [part to play...hard to pay...start to say?...I got it.]

And I was given billings prime to take the lead and save the day

For not by chance for Roma's sake in time mine was the consulate

The vilest plot I could unveil and just before it was too late.

The gods send forth as champion me, an unknown rusty advocate

In time of need to take the role of lucid Roman magistrate


9.

The Parthians do not fear me yet for my strategic genius

No blade I bathed in human blood for I am rather squeamish, yes

Of British cooking I stay clear, a parcel one calls them of rogues

The Gauls I hate for drinking beer (exception made for Allobroges)

No sword is worn within Rome's walls, the sanctified pomerium

Removed from fasces is the axe, no soldier holds imperium

And though I lack the clever stratagems of Quintus Fabius

    [fabulous, platypus? Ah, that's it!]

And cannot tell apart, ye gods, a spatha from a gladius

I am no blood-stained warrior. The tongue is mighty, not the sword

I have steered through the roughest seas the ship of state to safest port

Therefore, despite of origin a humble legal advocate

I am the very model of a glorious Roman magistrate


10.

Republican I am at heart, I hate all things tyrannical

Despite nice news of victories both Gallic and Britannical

I would not take - if offered one - a seat in a triumvirate

Political shenanigans of "great men" get me quite irate

My idol is Demosthenes the great Athenian orator

I do philippics just like him and give Rome's fetid foes what for

I hate that guy Marc Anthony and call him many nasty name

    [lasting shame?...ghastly maim? Misplaced my head again...Duh!]

A scoundrel very wanton he, too fond of wine, whore, slut and dame

Not worthy of his noble birth, a moral stain on Roma's face

Defiler of all honest things, in short a total gross disgrace!

Compare that to my humble self, this Arpinate and advocate

Possessing moral stamina, apt for a Roman magistrate

There is a horse. The horse says, "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote, "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Your anti-vampire bias is showing

Last _{Your garlic consumption will henceforth be closely monitored} Post

Lucky Luke
(the man who draws quicker than his own shadow)

After the first bars opened, the tired workers of old man March's popular emporium took a well deserved rest with tea and crispy crumpets. Just as the clock struck nine a worried bartender poured the last shot of fine Kentucky elderflower wine before the door was suddenly and irrevocably opened by the meanest man in the Far East. A disciple of Mao the Taoist Tapeworm, he surreptitiously wiggled his long and narrow proboscis, forming a suspicious image of an invertebrate villain. Meanwhile,under uncertain conditions of questionable circumstances Monsignor Tafardel, dean of Egregious Geography at Aberdeen School of Advanced Studies and Juvenile serial Deliquency decided to no longer

After the first bars opened, the tired workers of old man March's popular emporium took a well deserved rest with tea and crispy crumpets. Just as the clock struck nine a worried bartender poured the last shot of fine Kentucky elderflower wine before the door was suddenly and irrevocably opened by the meanest man in the Far East. A disciple of Mao the Taoist Tapeworm, he surreptitiously wiggled his long and narrow proboscis, forming a suspicious image of an invertebrate villain. Meanwhile,under uncertain conditions of questionable circumstances Monsignor Tafardel, dean of Egregious Geography at Aberdeen School of Advanced Studies and Juvenile serial Deliquency decided to

Quick Draw McGraw

Last _{I approve this fence post} Post