Vote 08: The Portsmouth Council Elections

[Black Bart]

Aaargh, a thousand apologies matey or should I say Nine apologies...ye has my permission to call me Black Barf loik me dear Ol Mummy used ta afore I sold her to the Aztecs.

Now back to the Cronan saga...

CRONAN WALKS (staggers)AMONG US

A Gothic Tale o Terror

It were a dark and stormy night and the sign o The Admiral Benbow were swingin like a dead man in a gibbet...

Only joking...I knows a good lashin too well to tempt anuther one!

[Griffin NoName]

PORTSMOUTH AAAAAAAAAARGUS!

Terrible Tales


Police are on the look out for Black Barf a local nutter who has a sore affliction, the Telling of Long Winded Tales.

This local scoundral has been disrupting the hustings in the Mayoral elections. A certain amount of heckling is always to be expected but the interruption of our revered political hopefuls by the droaning drivel that pours from this man's mouth cannot be tolerated. Our candidates are lucky to get a word in edgeways and Portsmouth voters have been turning out in their thousands mounting vigilante searches for the dastardly fellow. It cannot be long before full scale rioting begins.

The police have asked for calm and tolerance but the voters truly have their spirits up. In the latest development, the angry crowd were last seen persuing a dark figure who had materialised in strange circumstances elsewhere in Europe.

[Pachyderm]

It wasn't me! Don't yer be comin' at me wif yer lynch mobs an' burnin' pitchforks!

I didn't start tellin' ahl these 'ere Long-Windied Tales! Oi'm an innocent pyrate, jest tryin' 'is luck. Oi will admit that Switzerland moight not 'ave bin the best choice to get me galleon to, but they 'as lots o' money, see. An' me crew are so thick, they nevvir noticed the fields.....

[Black Bart]

Cronan Walks Among Us (Chapter 43)

Meanwhile high up in the Swiss Alps, on the craggy ramparts of an ancient castle, a dark figure gazed out into the swirling snow.   Cap'n Pachyderm was alone and far from hope, with only the 3 lusty Cronanian women to keep im company.  It seemed there was no escape from this crumbling edifice...Cap'n Pachyderm cursed Cronan to the very Mountain Tops: "Curse you Cronan", he cried, "why must my doom be thus..."

Suddenly an eerie yet irresistable voice answered from within the castle walls: "Oh Pachy darling, are you up for another foursome tonight?"

[Bluenose]

Meanwhile back in Portsmouth...


NEWS FLASH!

Portsmouth Electoral Commission Invaded

Portsmouth Electoral Commission Chairwoman Elizabeth Fetherbrane-Smythe today confirmed that the PEC had been overrun by Pyrate Scouts.  In a hastily put together press conference she stated "There were hundreds of the little baskits.  They're like ants!"

Passers-by of the PEC offices will not fail to notice the large poster draped across the front of the building saying "SELL OUT PORTMOUTH!  YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!".

There has been no word from the invaders and Portsmouth Police are at a loss to explain what to do, as usual.

[Black Bart]

Cronan Walks among us (Chapter 12 - Old (Oz) Nick)

The handsome cab pulled up at number 8 Mitre Court, the thick fog muffled the sounds of a struggle from inside the cab.  Suddenly the door was flung open and a body tumbled out and onto the road..."Hic, this snot my ouse cab driver, hic" complained the body..."Oh yes it is mate...that's as far as you gets for half a nicker."

Capn Oz struggled unsteadily to his feet...'I shouldn't ave had those last 4 Captain's delights!'  As Nick tried to gather his thoughts his hand settled on a piece of paper inside his jacket pocket, he took it out and stared bleary eyed at the note:

'To be delivered by hand to: Captain Cronan, Fairflux Abbey, London'

At that moment the fog cleared to reveal a dark archway which would have been forbidding to a sober man, but Cap'n Oz was as pissed as the proverbial newt!

[Aphos]

Portsmouth Pirate News
All the News thats Unfit to Print

Mysterious Visitor Mysteriously Visits Town Hall

A strange cloaked figure was seen enterin' the office of Mayor Liversausage last evenin'.  He did not stay long, and disappeared into the dark after leaving the office.  Mayor Liversausage was said to be quite pale after the visit, and was even more confused than usual.

Who is this cloaked figure?  What does he want?  Why was Liversausage mumbling about the smell of paprika?

The good people (and other sorts) of Portsmouth want to know.

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[DaveL]

YArrrr...

So how's our vice mayoral candidate Sarah Fence-Palin doin?

[Black Bart]

Aaarrgh...is she any relashun to Michael Palin?

[pieces o nine]

Oanlie by marridje. Thee rest ov thee fambly don' much loike ter talk habowt 'er.

[piscatorial pugalist]

..And like Michael ha' seen most of this world ......out o' er window
And by Neptune she doth handle her Flintlock wih such consumate skill, whilst the wind caresses her hair as she strides amid her poopdeck....




WHAT THE THUNDER AND BLAZES AM I DRINKING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pachyderm]

Gin, milk an' Exlax. 

[piscatorial pugalist]

Oh roight.......where's me little brolly for it then? 

[Pachyderm]

Brolly? Little brolly? Iz ye a py-rate or not? Oi left a musket in it....

[Griffin NoName]

Aaaaah!  Oi 'erd ye can get that koind o' musket on AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghBay !