The Piratica Monastical Football Club

[Black Bart]

Are ye playin for the Skins or the Shirts?

[goat starer]

shirts. I am after all covered in the finest angora wool - not to mention tha fact that otherwise the chap in orange is badly outnumbered.

I have recently had completed my biography like all good overpaid football stars.

Brazilian football star Garrincha allegedly last his virginity to a goat. It was NOT me.

[Black Bart]

I shall buy a copy at once!

[goat starer]

£1 from every copy goes to Buttercups

[Black Bart]

AAWWWWWWWWWW...I shall get me crew to buy copies an all...bless em.

Message to ship's cook...Goat Curry be off the Christmas menu.

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

This is an official statement of the PMFC Management, made under gun no pressure and volonteerly:

After long bloody fights but nevertheless friendly discussions with the players of the PMFC, the Management has decided to tripple the players wages and the amount of rum will remain the same as before. The players will even receive special eggnogg (provided by Bluenose Industries ltd.) for the holidays.

The Management wants to see you all dead apologize for the recent inconvenience.

Will you let my family go now?

[Calico Jack]

Match Report: Piratica Monastical FC vs The Ivan the Terrible Select XI (1st Half)

There were 100,000 screaming Romans in the Coliseum to watch the so-called Pre Xmas friendly match between PMFC and Ivan the Terrible (ITT) XI.  The war of words between the teams intensified before the start as PMFC changed their mind and refused to allow the Pirate Edward Teach play for the ITT XI.  Conan the Barbarian was also missing from the original line up, as they could not find a shirt big enough to fit his huge frame.  However two able substitutes were found in Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun.  The teams therefore lined up as follows:-

PMFC

Tansy - GK
DaveL – RB  (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Alpaca – LB
NoName - RM
Goat Starer - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Beagle – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F

ITT Select XI

Pol Pot - GK
Kim Jong-il  - RB
Jack the Ripper - CB
Benito Mussolini – CB
Genghis Khan – LB
John Christie - RM
Ivan the Terrible – CM (Captain)
Attila the Hun – CM
Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus – LM
Sweeney Todd – F
Josef Stalin – F

Before the start of the game Ivan the Terrible issued a rallying statement to his team.  "Now listen here lads this team of piratical scoundrels intimidate all of the teams they play by killing them all, now they are not going to do the same with us. You have been selected for this team as all of you are amongst the most evil vile dregs of humanity to have ever lived, so we will play them at their own vicious game". 

With that rallying cry ringing in their ears it was a very determined ITT XI that walked on to the pitch.  In fact led by Genghis Khan on horseback with his wild hair and crazy eyes they were indeed an intimidating bunch.

0:01 With the noise from the crowd reaching a crescendo PMFC kicked off and immediately The Black Spot was brought down by a wild tackle from Stalin.  What a statement of intent from the ITT XI, The Black Spot being the most evil blaggard to ever sail the seven seas. Surprisingly the referee took no action against the evil Russian waving play on.

4:55 At the first corner Dave L was prevented from jumping up and clearing the ball by Sweeney Todd who neatly removed his left ear with his haircutting scissors.  Dave L bleeding profusely was incandescent with rage but what could he do, his teammates seemed fearful of the opposition.

7:24 Black Bart was suddenly through on goal when the imposing figure of Mussolini blocked his route.  "Lei morirà se va il passato me" boomed the portly Italian.  Black Bart did not understand what was said but the intent was clear "There you are, you can have the ball I don't want it" said the cowardly Bart.

11.15 In the crowd things were not going well either as 5000 PMFC fans were arrested by Roman Legionnaires and were fed kicking and screaming to the Lions.

17:26 GOAL PMFC 0 – ITT XI 1  A well deserved goal from ITT as Nero stormed through the PMFC defence on his chariot to volley the ball into the net.

24.22 Alpaca removed the ball from John Christie, however the notorious murderer grabbed Alpaca by the hair and force fed poisonous gas down his throat.  The players of PMFC looked on in horror as Alpaca died a lingering death on the pitch.

33.04:  A rare attacking moment from PMFC as Calico Jack's cross hits the bar and is cleared by Attila the Hun who was temporaily diverted from burning down the Coliseum with his army of barbarians.

41.12 Ivan the Terrible reacts a to a poor referring decision by removing the official's head before going to the PMFC bench and systematically slaughtering all of their coaching staff.  He then takes one look at Brenda in the crowd and wisely makes his way back to the pitch.

45:00 It is a very weary and bedraggled PMFC team who troop off at half time, much work remains to be done to turn things round in the 2nd half.

[goat starer]

need an orange after that half!

[Bluenose]

Oi be orderin a triple dose o' compressed fishe 'ead stewe ter refule me peg legs.  Goat, can ye give me a 'and ter strap these sidewinder missile racks ter me arms, Oi'm a thinkin we be needin a littel extra punch in the second 'alf.

Cap'n Bluenose

[goat starer]

aye me hearty! sindwinders it be! and oive attached me finest extra large horns!

[Bluenose]

Yarrr!  Thank ee fer that.

Oi'm thinkin that we need ter do sommat about the crowde.  Bart!  D'yer reckon ye culd fill up that water-canon over ther with fish head stew and spray it all over the ITT supporters?  Oi reckun that wuld quiet 'em down a shade or two.

Cap'n Bluenose

[Sibling Chatty]

Alert hospitals for nuclear burns and possible strangulations as they try to swallow their own 'eads ter avoid the FHS overspray.

[DaveL]

YArrrghh...gives me that missin ear back Ivan. Otherwise O'ill 'aves to change me name to van Gogh (or if you be Welsh van Gogogogh).

[Black Bart]

Half Time Team Talk for Piratica, Stuart Pearce and Vinnie Jones are brought in to sort things out:

Stuart Pearce: Black Spot, Black Bart, Jack o Lantern or whatever your bleedin name is...in fact all of you...YOU ARE A BUNCH OF BLEEDIN WIMPS!!!!

Vinnie Jones grabs hold of Bart's unmentionables...

WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A WELSHMAN LIKE ME!

Bart in very high pitched voice: 'They're more evil than us Vinnie...we've finally met our match!'

Vinnie: RUBBISH...your going out there and you're going to kick their arses from here to East Ham...er, Cardiff. Give em your evil face Stuart...

Stuart Pearce: What, the one what I did when I scored in that penalty shootout for England...

Vinnie Jones: England scored in a penalty shoot out? You've been managing Man City for too long Stuart, your going soft in the head!

Stuart Pearce: Pirates my arse...more like a bunch of girlies in the Henley Regatta...NOW GET OUT THERE AND SORT IT OUT!!!!!

[Calico Jack]

Match Report: Piratica Monastical FC vs The Ivan the Terrible Select XI (2nd Half)

The Coliseum organisers made some decisions at half time to appease the spectators many of whom were somewhat puzzled to see 22 strangely dressed men kicking a strange circular object round the arena.  In fact one of the fans known to his mates as Claudius complained to his friends at half time, why not cut their heads off and boot that around instead.  Claudius was not the only unhappy Roman as many of the fans were distinctly unimpressed with the lack of gratuitous violence in the first half.

So by way of half time entertainment the arena organisers announced that the Lions would be released into the arena and a search was on to find an unwilling victim.  This is where they made their first mistake as they began their search in the PMFC dressing room and found one very willing volunteer in The Black Spot.

The Black Spot was in a mean mood he had been roughed up by some bad tackling by the ITT XI in the 1st half and boy was someone going to pay for that.  He swaggered on to the pitch where 12 very hungry lions gradually began to form a circle around him.  The first beast with a huge roar attacked The Black Spot fully expecting to sink his teeth into his flesh but no The Black Spot with superhuman strength plunged his sword into its side and it collapsed dead into the arena amid a gasp of astonishment from the crowd.  One by one the Lions attacked him but each one of them was repelled until the only living thing in the arena was The Black Spot with his sword bloodied.  The Black Spot strolled off the pitch whistling a sea shanty and received a congratulatory bottle of Rum from Dave L.

The arena organisers then made their second mistake by agreeing to PMFC's request to extend the half time break from 15 minutes to 2 weeks.  This gave PMFC a huge advantage as it allowed The Black Spot to recover from his half time exertions, Dave L to have his ear sewed back on and Bluenose to receive his new jet propelled peg legs.

So on New Years day the teams returned to the pitch the only change from the 1st half was to replace the injured Alpaca (who had to pull out due to his untimely death) with Quasimodo (Meromorph).


47.25 The first action of the 2nd half came with a corner to PMFC.  The ball was cleared and came to Dave L who was lurking outside the box.  Dave L ignored the ball but instead reached for a chain gun and sent several rounds of bullets into the crowded penalty area.  Nero lost a leg, Sweeney Todd lost an ear (sweet revenge for Dave L) and Black Bart lost his bladder as he wet himself in fright.

54.02 Welcome back Sir Francis Drake to his familiar role of leading the riot in the arena.  As his hooligans with their eye patches and hooks swarmed into the arena there was a mass stampede to the exits by those wearing togas and sandals.

59.17 Black Bart after his short wetting escapades was now back to his imperious best with a fine overhead kick that missed the goal and ended up in Gaul.

64.22 The Black Spot not wishing to take a back seat was warned by the referee for shoving Jack the Ripper with his hand.  Unfortunately for the notorious Serial Killer it was The Black Spot's hook hand and Jack the Ripper was left with a huge hole in his face where his eyes used to be.

69.55 GOAL PMFC 1– ITT XI 1  An equalising goal from PMFC as a sweet move involving Calico Jack, Dave L and Beagle was finished with aplomb by Bluenose who crashed the ball into the net with his new peg legs.  The ball broke the net tore through the wall of the Coliseum and can still be seen to this day in the night sky slightly to the left of Venus.

71.09 After a short delay whilst a new ball was found, Dave L nearly gave PMFC the lead, however Genghis Khan's Horse diverted his goal bound shot around the post.

77.16 The ITT XI made a desperate attempt to rough up PMFC as Pol Pot, Stalin and Mussolini attacked Dave L out of the referee's eyesight.  As Dave L went down to the ground beaten by the fists and boots of the three evils despots help was at hand as The Goat Starer let off a cannon which blew a hole in the side of the coliseum.  In the melee that ensued The Black Spot with three quick slices of his cutlass blade left three heads rolling about on the pitch. 

83.48 The cannon fire increased as under the direction of Dave L three Pirate vessels sailed up the Tiber and let off a stream of cannons into the already dilapidated arena.

86.25 GOAL PMFC 2– ITT XI 1  Black Bart scored what looked to be a late winner for PMFC by hoofing the ball into the back of Nero's Chariot. However, Nero in his desperation to get out of the smoke filled arena drove his Chariot through his own net and the referee after consulting with his assistant awarded the goal.

90.00 As the referee blew the final whistle the Coliseum was ruined and the crowd had scattered. Meanwhile the ITT XI had all been murdered caught up in cannon and musket fire whilst the PMFC team had all disappeared to Signor Sophia for an after match massage.