The Piratica Monastical Football Club

[Calico Jack]

The 2nd Half was delayed due to a massive snowball fight which broke out between players of both sides.  However The Black Spot played dirty by inserting a broken Rum bottle inside his snowball which caused Thumper to incur a fatal head wound.  However, at least the crowd was spared that irritating Thumping sound whenever the annoying Rabbit was near the ball.

45.51 GOAL F.S.A.S 1 PMFC 1 First attack of the 2nd half resulted in a goal from F.S.A.S when Bugs Bunny's wayward shot rebounded off Rudolph's sled into the top corner of the net.

51.23 Black Bart was late back on the pitch as he was last in queue to see Santa. "So what do you want for Christmas" said the friendly be whiskered old man.  "Grog, Brenda an a new ship, now git yer hand off me leg yer dirty varmint" said Bart.

56.24 A sudden blizzard then enveloped the ground and visibility was so bad that the crowd could not see the action.  When the snow cleared Dave L and The Black Spot were seen tucking into Rabbit Pie and of Brear Rabbit there was no sign.

64.40 A typical surging run into the Penalty Area by Goatstarer was ended by Blitzen's desperate tackle.  Penalty ruled the referee.  I be taking it said Sibling Blue Nose as he raced up to the penalty area.  However F.C.A.S were not beyond illegal tactics themselves as unbeknown to PMFC Bugs Bunny had attached a stick of dynamite to the underside of the ball.

64.45 Sibling Bluenose raced up to the ball and  BOOOOOOMMMMM as Sibling Bluenose was hurled 500 feet into the air.  "What's up Doc" enquired Bugs Bunny of a dazed Sibling Bluenose as he hit the ground minus his legs.

67.22 Sibling Bluenose was furious "I am going to git that pesky rabbit".  Meanwhile The Black Spot nodded to Dave L and said "it be time".  Dave L and Spot took off their thermal bandanas and came on to the pitch replacing the unfortunate Sibling Blue Nose and Beagle.

74.25 Dave L first action of the 2nd half was to take a swig out of his Rum Bottle, unfortunatly the arctic weather had frozen the contents and a frustrated Dave L hurled it into the crowd where it hit a fat drunken man in a red coat.

82.16 Cottontail made a mistake when he giggled as The Black Spot slipped over on the icy pitch.  The Black Spot grabbed the jolly Easter Rabbit and attached him to a large projectile which was launched into the cold arctic sky.

89.51 GOAL F.S.A.S 1 PMFC 2 A last minute winner for PMFC as Calico Jack's cross is fumbled into his own goal by Elf No. 234 under pressure from Black Bart who had picked him up by his ears.

90.00 The final whistle is blown and PMFC have overcome the hostile conditions to record a well deserved win.  However, Dave L's ship is trapped by the ice so the team is flown out of Lapland on the back of Rudolph's sled.

[Black Bart]

Now then...why can't an Arsenal match be that entertainin?...

Oh hang on, there were goals in it!

[Bluenose]

Yarrr, buggritt, now Oi 'ave ter make new pair o peg legs, jess when Oi were gettin the Mk4s werkin real good loike.

Oi managed ter buy a replacement Gold Pass at 'alf toime on Arrghh Bay, an it only cost me 3000 dubloons, so Oi'll be able ter maintain me match fitness!  Them gold passes be mighty rare, so Oi were lucky it came up jess after Oi 'ad me previous wun nicked.  'Ope it arrives in toime fer me Wensday session wi Francine...

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Nice call there Calico Jack. Did we get 'im, or did he escape.

Does anyone have a spare hair dryer? Oi can't seem to melt this ice around me Argghh 9000.

[Black Bart]

AARRGH...Ye fool, just pour Fish Head Stew oer the side...twill melt the penguins an all!!!!

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

It will also melt the North Pole. Al Gore will come chasin me with a big smitey stick

Who are we playin' next by the way... was that Madame Chantal's Wanderers Oi heard youse say? No, they are out of bounds, Coach Chatty's orders. Coach don't like the damage those girls do to the players after the match.

Oi heards Madame Fifi's footy team 'RL (that's Red Light) Portsmouth is not on the Chatty's banned list yet.

RL Portsmouth be leadin' the Piratica House of Ill Repute League (P.H.I.R.L) and have some real talent. Brenda was their star player for many years, before she got drafted by the Monastery.

YArrr...when's the next Euro Champions round?

[Black Bart]

There are some fixtures on the 15th of November but I can't remember which team we are replacing.

[DaveL]

Oi believes we settled on Slovakia. Their next match ain't till March next year against Cyprus.

http://soccernet.espn.go.com/fixtures?league=uefa.euroq&date=20070327&cc=3436

[Black Bart]

AAARRRR...Thar be toim fer a return match aginst 'The Dribblin Parrot'...half toim ale festival included!

[DaveL]

Arrrr...

We be needin anuther Goal Keeper to assist Aggie when he be off at Madame Chantal's, so the Monastery 'as drafted Tansy into the squad for the upcomin' un-friendly against the Dribblin Parrot Hotel.

The Dribblin' Parrot Hotel are the local Portsmouth drunkards and ruffians coached by 'used galleon' dealer Honest John O'Grady. We last played 'em on the road to the world cup.

Oi heards they were a bit upset wif our roughhouse tactics ie use of swords, cannons and parrots durin' the match.

P.M.F.C.

Tansy - GK
DaveL - RB
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Alpaca – LB
NoName - RM
Goat Starer - CM
CalicoJack – CM
Beagle – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F

Reserves: Agujiim (currently locked in the Count of Monte Christo Room, using Bluenose's Gold pass), Teripie, Brenda McTavish, Swatopluk

The Dribblin Parrot Hotel

Thomas 'Golden Taps' Graverson - GK*
Kenny '2-Pint screamer'Ingram - RB
Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock - CB
Norbert 'Vomitboy' Putney - CB
James'Bacardi Breezer'Kindlinwood - LB
Terrance 'DT Man' Spencer - RM
Erik 'Skol-up' Nordstrum - CM
Jimmy 'Porcelain Bus' Jones - CM
Jake 'Cleanup yer puke' Mutton - LM
Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke - F
Feargal 'You Little Thief' Sharkey - F

Reserves: Several blokes lying in the gutter.

* Yarrr...yew guessed it, Bustlin Brian's ole boss!!

[Calico Jack]

yarr I fancy our chances in this game as we be outnumbering them 12 to 11.  However as The Black Sopot spends most of is time in the crowd organising riots it evens it up a bit.

aaaarrrgh bring it on

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Oi better stay off the grog. Oi puts Bluenose in twice. Never mind, those pneumatic peglegs will have him all over the place.

[Bluenose]

Yarr!!!

Oi sez bring it on!  Oi bin praktissin me goal shootin, an now Oi can hit a swabby sized target from 300 yards wiv me peg legs set to maximum power.   Oi'm avin a bit o trubble but, az Oi need some more swabbies for target praktiss, coz the wunz Oi bin using keep fallin over wen their 'eads get knocked orf boi the football.  Iffen enni o yoo mateys got sum spare wuns, please send over to me ship.

Cap'n Bluenose

[Griffin NoName]

Oi be bringing me mates from the ParaFootie Club along fer ye ter substitute fer me when needed.

[Black Bart]

Match Report: Piratica Monastical FC vs The Dribblin Parrot Hotel

It seems like an age since Piratica now re-named the Piratical Monastical Football Club last played The Dribblin Parrot  Hotel.  That time, in a closely contested match, Piratica won 3-2.  The match was an aimiable affair with only 6 yellow cards and two red cards before half time and the occasional punch up.  It was during this match, however, that Piratica formulated their distinctive brand of Piratical Football which was to take the World Cup by storm.

PMFC

...............................Tansy

Dave L(c).......Swatopluk.............Bluenose........... Kiyoodle the Gambrinous


Calico Jack........Alpaca........ Goat Starer...........NoName


..........................Black Spot.................Black Bart

subs: Agujiim, Teripie, Brenda McTavish, Beagle

DPH

Thomas 'Golden Taps' Graverson - GK*
Kenny '2-Pint screamer'Ingram - RB
Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock - CB
Norbert 'Vomitboy' Putney - CB
James'Bacardi Breezer'Kindlinwood - LB
Terrance 'DT Man' Spencer - RM
Erik 'Skol-up' Nordstrum - CM
Jimmy 'Porcelain Bus' Jones - CM
Jake 'Cleanup yer puke' Mutton - LM
Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke - F
Feargal 'You Little Thief' Sharkey - F

subs: Jimmy 'Jockstrap' McHamish, Danny 'The Strangler' Butterworth,
Dave 'Bowie Knife' McFadden

Hoping to avenge their defeat The Dribblin Parrot Team utilised underhand tactics from the start.  Before the kick off liberal amounts of grog was made available and Black Bart and Dave L only just made it to the game after an organised punch up at the Admiral Benbow.

Eagerly antisipating another blood bath a huge crowd have gathered in the Capn Cronan Memorial Stadium to cheer the two teams on.

Kick off: Piratica 0 Dribblin Parrot 0

02.13 Team captain DaveL, nursing one black eye from the fight at the Admiral Benbow and another black eye from an earlier fracas involving Pirgella, shouts "NO PRISONERS" and charges cutlass aloft straight at the referee!  Yellow Card.

06.12 Black Bart receives the ball on the halfway line and begins a lengthy game of keepy Uppy whilst holding off the Parrot Players with his cutlass.   The Piratica team's World Cup experience is quickly beginning to show and it's not long before they are in front.

06.15 GOAL 1-0: Tremendous shot by Calico Jack catches Kenny '2-Pint screamer'Ingram napping and the ball flies into the net.  It soon becomes clear that Kenny is not napping...he is dead, a cutlass protruding from his back bone!  The goal stands.

06.16 Fight breaks out as The Black Spot tries to retrieve his cutlass...from Kenny's back!

09.30 The referee is getting jumpy and shows NoName a yellow for time wasting...inspite of his explanation that getting a good edge on a blade takes time!

09.32 Fight breaks out as Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke attempts to lob the Piratica goally but the ball is blown out of the air by Bluenose's pistols.

14.12 GOAL 1-1: Swatopluk gets the ball in the six yard box and clears to NoName who tests his sword edge on Terrance 'DT Man' Spencer.   NoName crosses to Black Bart who traps the ball effortlessly with his right foot, sells Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock a dummy, shimmies to the right, jinks to the left, spins on a sixpence and blasts the ball into his own net!!!

17.02 SENDING OFF: Kiyoodle the Gambrinous receives a straight red card for illegal use of a brace of pistols in a built up area.

23.06 The Referee, lulled into a false sense of security by the lack of fatalities, awards a free kick to The Dribblin Parrot Team on the edge of the area.   Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke steps up to take the free kick only to observe the wall set up by the PMFC players are all aiming muskets at him.   He deliberately blasts the ball into the crowd...sensible really.

31.08 GOAL 1-2: DPH play their joker early by making a double substitution.  Danny 'The Strangler' Butterworth and Dave 'Bowie Knife' McFadden  come on for Jake 'Cleanup yer puke' Mutton and Marty 'Passionpop' Borthwicke.   The two hard men make an immediate impact by kidnapping Tansy and Swatopluk...in the confusion that follows Feargal 'You Little Thief' Sharkey bangs home DPH's second.

31.11 Fight breaks out. The Black Spot, Calico Jack, Black Bart, Bluenose and Dave L all surround the referee brandishing their cutlasses. All are yellow carded and that means Dave L is dismissed for getting two yellow cards.  The referee doesn't make it to half time!

45.00 HALF TIME 1-2  Piratica are down to 7 men, two sent off and two kidnapped, and have a mountain to climb in the second half.