Portsmouth Pirate Public School

[DaveL]

YArrr...

Indeed Kiyoodle, we shall have a subject ARGH 109

'Liberating Others of Their Wealth - Introduction to Pirate Accounting'

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR...Don't forget:

Fishe Heade Stewe tasting - Beginners, Intermediate and Advanced.

Ye might not get many in the Intermediate Classes!

[DaveL]

YArrr...

Oi thinks Oi'll be putting that lot in 'ARGH 106'.

[Black Bart]

Before the school opens we need:

Suggestions for the School Motto

and Designs for the school uniform

Usual school mottos make you want to throw up yer Fishe heade Stewe and go something like:

Ad Lucem Per Crucem = Through the cross to the light!

YYYUUUUUUUKKKK! That's where our cabin Boys come from!

Vouloir C'est Pouvoir = To be willing is to be able

Well that's a froggy one for a start...blaggards!

Pirate School Motto suggestion No1:

Est Jolly Rogerum Infinitum = No translation available

Carpe Aurum = Seize the Gold

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

For the school uniform, I'd stick with a full pirate regalia. Of course the girls should wear those cute short skirts (I heard Mme Fifi would be glad to provide them in different colours and even in leather). Something like in the picture below would be very appropriate:

[DaveL]

YArrrr,

That school uniform be way too old fashioned and conservative for my liking, but it'll do.

I once had Fifi's girls some models give a demonstration of the new school uniform.

Mr Bluenose,

Can you please report to my office. I have a rather sorrowful but shifty looking pipe supplier, who would like to issue you wif an apology.

Mr Bart,

The education board would like to undertake a friendly inspection of our school. I trust you can make the necessary catering arrangements. Can you please present your motto ideas to the Board.

Madame Fifi will be providing the entertainment to the Board. That should take care of any dissenting voices about the integrity of our school.

Looking forward to seeing your subject outlines in the near future.

Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Black Bart]

I once had Fifi's girls some models give a demonstration of the new school uniform.

YYYAAARRRR...I thinks I were at sea when that demonstration took place.  Could ye re-arrange it so I can check there be room fer the school badge and motto...left or right breast, what d'ye think?

[DaveL]

Dear Suckers, Parents,

Thankyou so much for enrolling your little blaggard, prospective pirate at Portsmouth Pirate Public School.

We look forward to corrupting your kid quicker than you can say 'Black Spot's a blaggard' enhancing your child's life at this school.

We have more vice here than 'Miami' many opportunities for your child, which will make him/her the biggest evil seafaring scumbag, the finest maritime students in all the land.

On behalf of all the evil swines teachers and support staff, I'd like to welcome you and your child to our cockroach ridden hellhole fine educational institution.

If you have any queries, you can contact me at the school, or after hours on '1800-OO-LA-LA extension 'Pleasure Chest Room' via the secretary.

Look forward to meeting with you, as soon as you pay up in the near future.

Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Black Bart]

Dear Pirnciplee Culnana

Thank yew for avin my kids. Is the schoool any wer near East Anglia? I am shur the kids will be beeter heducated than what I wuz. One questun: Wot is a Buccnaneer?

Yours Sinclerely

Jade Goody

[The Black Spot]

Dear 'Eadmaster

As requested 'ere be the carri curra details o' one o' the courses for ye to put in yer pross prer magazine

ARGH 102 Basic Marine Skills and Weaponry Skills.  On completion of the course, the successful student will have a working knowledge of many of the issues concerning a life of piracy, and should be able to blag a job as a consultant.

Part 1: Basic Marine Skills

This be a two part course. That's cos if yer a pirate, yer ship's either alright or it's knackered.

Module A: Floating.
Subjects covered include: Chasing a merchant ship. Fleeing the Royal Navy. Coping with being becalmed - urine drinking, cannibalism for beginners. 

Module B: Sinking.
Subjects covered include: How to abandon ship with style. Driftwood clutching. Stealing a new ship.

Part 2: Weaponry skills

Module A: Quiet ways to get rid o' people
There aren't actually any items on this course. Things like garrottin', throat slittin', stranglin' an' pre-emptive cutlass strike were proposed for inclusion, but were considered to be "noisy" as they are always accompanied by a triumphant shout of "YAAAAAAAARRGGGHHHH!"

Module B: Noisy ways to get rid o' people
Flintlock, blunderbus, bomb, cannon, boarding party, bottle, axe, housebrick, telescope, ship's bell... pretty much everything really.

An interesting, fulfilling course prepared by our dedicated team of tutors. Additional materials provided by our Special Guest Lecturer, Cap'n Cronan.

[Bluenose]

M E M O R A N D U M

To: Principal Cullinane

From: Distillery Master

Re: Lesson Plan

Deer Prinsipal,

Oi bin werkin onna Lesson Plan fer the Year Wun little blighters, errr.. darling students an Oi fink ye better give it a checkers before the little buggas errr... students arrive.

'Ere it be:




 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Lesson Numba	Tital	Deetales
Wun	Konstructin Yer Still	Procurin yer materiells Pipes, pipes an' moor pipes The uses of chewing gum Fire-box design How to avoid Big Ron's plumbing supplies
Too	Fermentashun fer beginners Pt1       - Raw materiels	Potatoes grapes apples sugar cane Yer granny's week old rice puddin    Anyfink yer can get yer sticky 'ands on
Free	Fermentashun fer beginners Pt2       - Gettin a roight smelly brew 'appenin	Starting kultcha - the joy of old socks Gettin somewun else ter wotch over it The importance of kleenleeness - no gobbin in the mix Smells - 'ow ter tell wen itz reddy
Fore	Loadin the still	Dekantin the slurry Tastin Testin the mix Wot ter do wiv the sludge - happy goats in the yard
Fyve	Firin it all up	Kontrolled combustchen Keepin an eye on pressure Emergency chewing gum use Blaming somewun else fer exploshuns
Sicks	Raw spirit storage	New versus old kegs White, light or dark? Aging th' product to perfekshun
Sev'n	Quality Kontroll	Tasting Testing the spirit The importance of reglar quality checks Moore on quality checks Another view on quality checks Advanced quality checking Komparing the quality between batches Ensuring consistent quality from all the barrels by quality checks Quality checks before shipping the product Qualidy shecks whyl shippn the produck Qually sheggz at th' pub Qually shux inyer cab'n Quallery chicks outdoooors Kwalty choocks indores Kwllry chcks in bad wevver Quyecks in gud wevva.....(415 lines edited out here)

Yers, respeckfulli,

Cap'n Bluenose ^hic!

[Black Bart]

For the junior school:
Cabin Boys Certificate level one:

Part One General Deck skills:

Scamperin up the Riggin loik a monkey
Fetchin the Capn's Grog in a Force 10 gale
Being in the cabin quite alot

Part Two Simple Chemistry and Observation Skills:

Tastin the Capn's Lunch for poisons
Hiding in an apple barrel whilst the crew gather mutinously in the lower decks
Spotting dropped dubloons

[The Black Spot]

Man Management Skills

Part 1: Looking after the swabs.

Ye will find that yer ship has three tiers in its line management chain. Cap'n, Officers, an Swabs. Swabs be the most numerous, but they also be idle, feckless, good-fer-nuffin' scum. Half o' them should be shot, an the other half hung. Unfortunately, ye need 'em to help sail the ship an' form boarding parties, an so ye have to make the best o' a bad job.

All swabs seem to be a bit on the deaf side, so make sure ye bark yer orders out nice an loud. Preferably wi' yer nose about an inch from the swab's face.

Swabs be forgetful. Extensive research by me own ship's doctor proves that a few lashes wi' the cat releases kemmikals that make the brain remember things better. Ye should refresh their memories at least once a week.

Swabs aren't the sharpest cutlass in the rack, so ye has to to teach 'em a few simple rules. We be grateful to Dr Isaac Asimuth fer formulating...

The Three Laws of Swabotics

1. A Swab must never disobey the Captain,
   or through inaction, prevent what the
   Cap'n wants to happen.

2. A swab must always obey an officer,
   unless such instructions conflict with the first law.

3. A swab may try to preserve his own
   miserable, worthless existance
   as long as such action does not
   conflict with the first or second laws.

With these simple rules, ye can go many happy weeks without a mutiny.

[DaveL]

Dear Mr Bart, Mr Bluenose and Mr Spot,

Your courses have been approved for enrolment. We will inform you of student numbers shortly.

To ensure you don't scare them away, we have substituted your staff pictures with more (erm) 'academic' lookin' photos.


Mr Black Bart

Mr Bluenose

Mr Black Spot

Ahhh, that academic look will surely wow the parents into signin' their little blaggards up for your courses in no time.

Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Calico Jack]

Dear Principal Cullinane

I as a problem with me son since e attended yer foine establishment.  Yer see on me farm garroting chickens is the normal means of killing them.  The problem is that me son after e kills the first one e shouts out  YAARRRGH YER DIRTY BLAGGARD and all the other chickens run off.  I as told im ter shut up b'fore they all run off but e tells me that e was taught by the legendary Black Spot that much shouting an hollering is needed when yer kill the enemy.

Now I as no chickens an it is all yer fault so I be wanting yer to recompense me for the loss of me chickens.

Yours Angrily

Farmer Jones