Ask Aunty Black Robe

[The Black Spot]

Dear Treadmill

Thank 'ee fer the heads-up. We'll all be gettin' our stories straight. Looks bad for thee, though. See yer in court.

Cap'n Watertight

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie Black Robe

I be concerned about the sudden outbreak o name shortenin as hilustrated by Capn Lord Treadmill etc etc.  Where will it all end and will I have to loose half o my name - I come from a long line o peelers and I be afeared I might loose the stable bit!

Yours Capn C-_tstable

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackrobe

I did some shoppin' on Arr-Bay the other day. I saw summit that looked really good, an' I bidded on it. A couple o' days later a boxful o' right old rubbish were delivered to me. It were all dreadful tat, nothin' like the description at all.

Something must be done about this. There must be some way to stop yer biddin' on yer own auctions.

Cap'n Daley

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n Daley

Don't put yer own name on the Arr-Bay listing. Then you won't buy yer own stuff.

Yours

Treadmill

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie Blackstuff

Legend has it that Capn Cronan's Treasure be more splendid than all the treasures o the Orient.  However I has heard a rumour, in the smoky back room o 'The Admiral Benbow', that what the treasure be actually is an empty Old Nick bottle stuffed with Ye Redde Cowe beer vouchers!  Be thar any truth in this fabulous rumour...I needs to know because I just bought the genuine Capn Cronan Treasure map of Arr-Bay.

Yours Capn Arnie Sacnussem

[The Black Spot]

Dear Cap'n Arnie

Many be the legends surroundin' Cap'n Cronan's treasure. While it be true that 'ee has a hoard o' beer tokens an a carton o' 200 Superkings hidden under 'is bed, all the gold an' jewels be buried in a secret place. Until 'ee can find an off-license that sells beer an' fags in exchange fer plunder that is.

[Sibling Chatty]

Dear Auntie BlackPlague,

Me parrot is ackuzin' me monkey of hinterspecies Sexual Harrassment fer messin' wiv her feavvers an' not keepin' 'is paws to 'himself. Oi hev troied ter hexplane that 'ee don't mean no 'arm by it, 'ee's just checkin' fer tiny livestock, but se be determined to see it through.

In th' meantoime, th' monkey is arskin' me HR Director if there be a rule against datin and/or marryin' wiffin' the firm. How do I convince th' two o' them ter get to know each ovver better before many mistakes are made?

Yours,

Captain Lord Confusin' Procrastinator Jones- Jones Highsmith, MBE, PhD, EIEIO

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Auntie Blackhanders

Oi be puzzled ow come sum peeple be gettin away wiv the titles an double-barrel names in these tryin times.

Mebbe you culd pass me name onto the roight person ?

Treadmill

cc. ISP 

Yarrrr that be immunity service provider Yaaaarr!

[Sibling Chatty]

Treadmill:

Simple thievery.

Au. BlBd.

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

What sort of blasphemy are you sproutin' Treadmill?  Shouldn't that be Tread-mill, wif a few Lords and Esquires thrown in?

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR Dear Auntie B

It be toim fer me to reveal me true title in these henlightened toims...
I wish ta be known as:
Captain Bartholomew Roberts OFH, HOC, SSDC, CEO Bart Industries.*

*: OFHS - Order of the Fish Head, HOC - Head of Cloning, SSDC - Survivor of the Scurvy Disciplinary Court. 

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Blackbone

ey up they even stripped yer title. this be serius.

Oi'm wiritin to me MPP. Copy below.

Yours Treadmill


Sir Jim-Jams Felony
Member of Parliament for Pirates

Dear Jim Lad
Oi be writin to enquire when we gets our titles back. Some people (names witheld) be using fake wuns. Ye can tell oo they be by their names Yaaaaar!  Oi lent me title to ther enquiree an Oi cant see why they are hanging onto it -cept it does av a habit of changin? Do yer think that may av something to wiv it being kept from me so long?
Yours Treadmill..£££

[Bluenose]

Dear Auntie Backhander,

Oi bin tryin ter order sum supplies from a sertin pirate wot az gone all poncy loike and expecks me ter call 'im "yer grayce" and "yer lordship" and such 'an Oi doan fink it be propper.  'E sez 'e won't supply me wiv ani fish 'ead stew unless Oi place an order in writin to Captain B_______ R_______ OFH, HOC, SSDC, CEO B___ Industries (no names no pack-drill, loike), wen all Oi ever dun before was to send me cabin boy round an tell 'im ter deliver wot Oi need ter my victualling yard.

Jess coz 'e az added sum fake titles ter is name dosn't mean Oi gotta bow and scrape does it?

Cap'n Confuzed

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRRR don't ye worry matey, I be sure ye've got a few letters to put arter yer name.  Ye can start with:
SSDC - Survivor of the Scurvy Disciplinary Court. So far that be just about everybody - not a single hangin!  Then ye could ave:
OTPL - Owner o the Turbo peg legs!
It be just to impress the wenches.

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Auntie Blackscrubmine

Oi bin appointed ter ther enquiree inter them titles scandals. So far we delt wiv OBS JCB U.N.C.L.E WHO an Bart. We've banned em all. Oi'd be appy ter deal wiv any ovvers ye suggest.

Treadmill Inc. Sub-Contracter