Ask Aunty Black Robe

[anthrobabe]

Dear B.A.T

ye be gettin some foine shrubbery should you memeber
#1) whots the airspeed vilocty o an unladen swallow
and
#2) gets into the rabbit fore ye delivers it

yours,
tha ficticious Eric Idle aka Roger the Shrubber
( aktualy it jus be me)

[Black Bart]

Dear Aunty Anthro

Thank ye kindly,that be foine advice.  I be avin a lot o trouble with Rabbits of late!

Yours

Sir BartGalhahadalot (reknowned but useless Quester)

[DaveL]

Arghhh...

O'im quite partial to a bit of Welsh rare-bit meself. So's Tiddles Oi hears. YArr!

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dear Auntie Blackrobe,

One day during a particularily fierce sea battle I stood to close to the marinara cannon and now I have a slightly perforated eardrum.
It doesn't affect my hearing very much but every few years my right ear gets clogged with wax which does affect my hearing.
Quite handy when i don't want to hear my cat wailing to get out to the crows nest for some crows in the morning but it feels awlful.
Can you recommend a safe solution to loosen it up?

 

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Brother Sister's Uncle

Wot ye be wantin' be a tin o Black Bart's Fish-Head Stew.

Wen you as got a old o this, by careful application using yer ship's funnel to the affected area, ye will obtayne a dramatic improovement. Be sure to av a bucket nearby.

Ere be a demonstration o this amazin remedy

Yours

Auntie Black Arts

[Calico Jack]

The Black Spot had a novel solution to any swabs complaining about perforated eardrums. A quick slice of the cutlass and the ears were removed, e found that he didn't av to many complaints arter that.

Dave L's solution was to push one of is swabs up the cannon an used em as a silencer.

Black Bart used to provide extra rations of Fish Head Stew to his swabs.  After eating a few helpings of that disgusting muck having a perforated eardrum was the least of yer problems.

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dear Auntie Blackrobe,
 
   A fortnight ago me mates dragged me to boarding party.I regret it doubly! It was a lousy party and to top it all I got hit with grapeshot!

How do I get those awful grape stains off my favourite silk shirt?


 

[DaveL]

Dear Mr Grape,

Going to a boarding party these days ain't what it used to be. Not wif all those flashing disco balls, funny 'hug drug' tablets and pulsatin' music to contend wif. Last time Oi came across one one those poncy MC blokies wif a turntable, he wore the point of me cutlass...Yarrr!

If Oi wuz you, Oi'd limit your activities to a few murder and pillage excercises. They are far more rewardin'. That is unless you are on the receiving end.

There be nuthin werse than removin' grape stains from a puffy pirate shirt. Last toime Oi tried heavy grade sand paper and it wore a few big holes through it. So instead Oi did something far more sensible. Oi employed a 'home handy wench' called Molly to do me laundering. YArrrr!

YArrrr...that girl has more sense than 10 of us blokes put together. How do 10 pirates change a light bulb? Ask Molly to do it...YArrr!

Koind Regards,

DaveL (a bloke)
erm...sorry Oi mean Aunty Blackbeard

[The Black Spot]

Dear Grape Splattered

wear yer favourite puffy shirt durin' yer next cutlass fight. I finds that a pint or two o' the claret stuff covers up even the most stubborn stain.

[The Black Spot]

Dear auntie

How does I get blood stains out o' me best frilly shirt?

Yours
Cap'n Butcher

[The Black Spot]

Dear Cap'n Butcher

Has ye tried concentrated grape juice?

Auntie

[Bruder Cuzzen]

Dear Aunty Black Robe,

  The ships cat has caught all the rats on board two moons ago.Now the favoured parrot "Squawker", is missing.

What do you make of this?

[DaveL]

Dear My Parrot is Missing,

Does your cat answer to 'Tiddles'. If so, O'id abandon ship immediately.

Kind Regards,

Aunty Black Robe

[Bluenose]

Dear Auntie Black Robe,

One o' me crewe 'as gone crazy, 'e be jumpin about sommett feerse loike an makin groatesk faces and shoutin out all koinds of gibberish.  Me ship's surgeon reckons 'e eever be mad or sumwun 'as put a stoat down his pantaloons.  There be a big bulge in 'is nether regions but Oi 'ad jest put that down to us bein at sea for a while loike.

Wot dyer rekomendde Oi shuld do wiv 'im, Oi'm a bit inclined ter chuck 'im over the side, but sum of the utther men thought you moight know of a cure.

Cap'n Throw the Blaggard over the Side

[Black Bart]

There be a big bulge in 'is nether regions but Oi 'ad jest put that down to us bein at sea for a while loike.

Dear Cap'n 'Throw the Blaggard Over the Side'

I has heard of this condition what be quite common with Seamen.  It be a side effect of consuming all that Fish Head Stew. After a voyage of more than four months the Seaman's diet should be supplemented by regular portions of fresh fruit. Otherwise all those fish hormones build up , causing temporary insanity and enlargement of the genitals. If the condition goes untreated it can result in the seaman developing gills and a blowhole in the top of his head!  At this point there be nothin for it but to get your Harpoon ready!

Yours sincerely

Ships Doctor Stanley Sawbones