Long Winded Stories of the Ocean

[Griffin NoName]

Flame wars are expressly forbidden on these forums.

[DaveL]

Part 5: Tiddles: 'Miaow Prrr' and the Great Sausage Council

Thus it came to pass, that Tiddles did become one of the most feared and hated Pirates in the Mediterranean Sea. And Tiddles in all his wealth and glory had amassed a vast fortune worthy of a king.

And following the employment of some poor farmers, Tiddles did construct a great island fortress named 'Miaow Prrr', which in cat speak means 'My Kick Ass Castle with Guns Galore'. And it was aptly named, for it it's vast series of walled entrenchments, cannon towers and Bilgerat warriors made it almost beyond conquest...yeah well almost.

Tiddles also built himself a vast throne on which to reside, complete with love Miaow Seetung by his side. And his loyal bilge rat army did thus venture forth onto the sea to plunder more riches and spoils. For Tiddles had become A Mighty Pirate King!!! (summon crack of thunder).

But in his plunder, Tiddles did thus become increasingly despised by more blaggards than just Capn DaveL. For his growing reputation was increasingly met with more rivalry.

Back in Portsmouth, a destitute flotilla had been grounded due to blockades by Tiddles and his evil Bilge rat fleet. And following much concern, an emergency meeting was called by the Chamber of Commerce in Portsmouth Town Hall.

'Who here amongst you she see an end to this evil cat?' called out civil servant Cecil McBunty. Following much discussion, things got rather heated.

'How is a man meant get a sausage, if we have to pay sea tariffs to import ingredients? Portsmouth is getting no sausage!' yelled Butcher Big Ron.

Then just as the doors of the hall were about to close, the entry was overwhelmed by a vast horde of Portsmouth moggies. 'Down wit Tiddlez, Down wit Tiddlez!!' they yowled.

Tiddle's best former buddy Catpin Puff, despised Tiddles for abandonment of his humble friends, struggling in the alleyways of Portsmouth, fighting for scraps, while he lived like a king.

'Hisss..Tiddlez he no share wit friends. We hates Tiddlez, for he not kind to Portsmouth kittez!' scowled Catpin Puff (with apologies to both Gollum and Lolcats). 'Miaow Seetung make Tiddles very bad ole pussy cat. We must get Tiddlez!!' he hissed.

Then mayor Keith Liversausage, keen to capitalise on the politics of war, stood up and raised his hands cue patriotic music.

'Citizens, Pirates and Moggies of Portsmouth' It is by the power invested in me that I declare Portsmouth Harbour shall again be rid of tyranny!!

What is a man without a home?
What is a man without a harbour?
What is a man without his sausage (ok don't answer that)?

Portsmouth is our home and lifeblood. The harbour is our heartbeat. Tiddles and his minions have sucked our blood dry. We can no longer thrive while Tiddles blocks our harbour.

This cat shall no longer terrorise our homeland!!'

This stirring speech was Keith Liversausages most finest moment, in fact was probably his only moment.

His speech was met with thunderous applause by all...erm..except two.

'Who amongst you shall lift help lift the blockade?' Mayor Keith called.

Then after a moments muted silence, hundreds of hands, furry paws and spicy bratwursts were raised in the air in support.

And thus it came to pass the Great Sausage Council was formed. And all the minions of Portsmouth resolved to rid their harbour of Tiddles.

But Tiddles claws did stretch far and wide across the lands he terrorised. And his spies did thus infiltrate the hall that night. For within hours of the formation of the Council , Tiddles did learn of the plan to lift the blockade.

'Send forth my armada from Miaow Prrr, for I shall crush Portsmouth once and for all' scowled Tiddles. 'Yes master!!' snapped General Bugsy Bilge Rat.

And from his throne, Tiddles did bellow forth much evil maniacal laughter... MUHAHAHAHA!!!. And down in the barracks, his Bilge Rat army did issue forth much maniacal laughter... MUHAHAHAHA!!! (YArrrr...eat yer heart out Dr Evil!).

For at last Tiddles had being challenged like never before. And the Battle of Portsmouth Harbour would be Tiddles greatest ever challenge yet.

[Black Bart]

Put im in the Stocks!!!!

I demands it!

[pieces o nine]

Tiddles or Capn DaveL?

[Black Bart]

Both o the blaggards...tagevver!

[Griffin NoName]

No funny business in the stocks please !!

[Black Bart]

Lol Dave L is in the stocks on verganza as well!

[Bruder Cuzzen]

He got owt sumhow , funny though ,oi doan member arskin  thee gubnoor ta set 'em  free .

How ye do it lad ?

[anthrobabe]

big hint on gettin out o tha stocks
#1--- pay ye tab at tha Benbow on a reghular basis (keeping Gert frum being out o sorts wif ye)
#2--- remembers that old Gert knows every one--an has dirt on ye all--hincluding tha keeper o the keyz to tha stocks
#3--- when ye winds up in that stocks, call on ye frind Gert an ye be out in a jif

shhhhhhh---hitz a secret loike ya know

[Black Bart]

Harrrr...ye knows how ta keep a secret Gert...does ye know the secret o Cap'n Cronan's treasure? Just nod loik, or wink if yer neck's still stiff from all that cabbage throwin at the stocks.

[Black Bart]

The Mutiny of the Bounty

Cast adrift...arrrgh the blaggards...cast adrift in an open boat wiv nary a drop ta drink. I gazed at my only companion 'The First Mate' as the sounds of the Mutineers voices faded away with my ship, the Big Brenda, they were singing mockingly:

He's fat,
He's bent
His arse is up for rent
Cap'n Barty...

'I'll see ye all hanged' I cried...but my words were lost in the sound of the vast ocean.

'Why me?' I cried 'I'm too young to die.'

'It was the Fish Head Stew Cap'n', said the First Mate.

'Well then,' said I, 'Why you?'

'You put me in charge of serving the Fish head Stew Cap'n.'

We drifted on that vast sea for days. Nothing but an endless stretch of cruel grey water from one horizon to the next. Luckily I had a Nintendo DS in me pocket but the First Mate soon started to show signs of madness...I only had the Super Mario Game!

Then the hunger and thirst began. It be alright fer you landlubbers wiv yer four square meals a day and enough grog to drown yerself in, ye can't understand the terrible gnawing hunger of a man drifting un-nourished on the ocean. I started to see things...the First Mate suddenly appeared to be a huge roast chicken wiv all the trimmings...and I could tell he was looking at me in a strange animal-like way.

I was afraid to fall asleep, the man was watchin me from dawn till dusk. It was plain I'd have to kill and eat him afore he killed and ate me.

Things would ave got pretty desperate if, all of a sudden, a big wooden crate hadn't come floating by. On the box was stamped the name Mary Celeste. We hauled the crate onboard and cracked it open...inside was cooked meat, cheese, apples, grog, everything a man could want. It was a miracle.

We'd just finished eating and drinking our fill when another big crate floated up. This time the name on the box was HMS Bounty. Inside were two beautiful Polynesian wenches.

Arrrr, I was just giving the First Mate me old 'Stick wiv Cap'n Barty an things will turn out alright' lecture when another big crate appeared. This one had the name Pandora* stamped on it. The first mate said 'Don't open it Cap'n...it be Pandora's box an it's full of evil spirits'...

I sais, 'We could do wiv some spirits ta wash down the cheese...' but he explained it weren't that sort o spirits.

'Hang on,' sais I 'All the other boxes were from sunken ships, how do we know it aint a ship called Pandora and inside the box is her treasure? The First mate disagreed 'Lets stick wiv wot we've got Cap'n'...The wenches shouted 'Open the box, open the box!'

We opened the box...and...

'A Nintendo DS!!!' gasped the First Mate...'with Super Mario and Nintendogs!!!!!'

Them Polynesian wenches were great swimmers so we sent them off to find us a Red Snapper for our lunch. Meanwhile I got up to World 3 on Super Mario and the First Mate taught his puppy how to catch a frisbee.

Months later a postcard from Malta arrived on the deck of the Big Brenda...

Dear Crew

I hopes ye are are well, not too much scurvy, plague or dysentry, I trust. Me an the First Mate are avin a lovely toim of it on the boat, we'll be callin in to Monte Carlo to spend some of our treasure and then it's on to the Amalfi coast and Corfu.

If ye appens upon one Captain Cronan on your voyages, don't take him on board, I don't want to find any boxes floatin around wiv the Big Brenda's Bilge Rats in em.

Keep well,

I'll be back to Hang the Bleedin lot of you before Christmas

Your Loving Captain Barty

*Note: The Pandora was the ship that the Royal Navy sent to round up the mutineers from HMS Bounty. It sank off Australia...rumours say that Cronan was aboard.

[Griffin NoName]

aaaaaaaaaarr!!  Cap'n Bart sure knows 'ow ter be Long-Winded. May the wind keep blowin' and wiv an 'uff an' a puff blow 'im ashoor a long longs way away !!

[Black Bart]

Aye well...it were a true story that one...I really have just got to World Three of Super Mario!   

[Black Bart]

Arrr it be that toim o year when I press gangs the lot o ye inta the back room o the Benbow, an forces ye ta listen to a Long Winded Tale o Yuletide cheer...where's me grog?

A Tale o Christmas Yet to Come

One stormy day, near Christmas, I was sittin in me nice warm cabin drainin the last dregs of a bottle o rum, when there was a loud knock on me cabin door.

I threw the bottle at the door and told the devil to go an keel haul himself, but the knockin continued and I was obliged to invite the blaggard in.

"What be the meanin o this outrage?" I demanded of the terrified rating (who'd obviously drawn the short straw) wot stood before me...

"PPPPlease, Cap'n,' said the sailor, "the mmmmmen be wonerin if we maint be callin in ta ppppport for a spot o CCCCChristmas Dinner?...it be 5 years since we last had any Turkey an Puddin."

I had a good mind to toss the blaggard over board for his insolence but, seein as the rum supplies were gettin low and half the crew were dead from scurvy, I thought it moight be time ta hove in fer some supplies an press gang in a few new recruits.

We anchored orf Portsmouth on Christmas Day 1777 an the crew went ashore for a good ransackin and pillagin. I stayed in me noice warm cabin an ordered a take away and a luxury treatment Number 76 from Won Hang Lo's Massage Parlour.

Half an hour later the crew were back...

"Cap'n that were the worst Christmas Dinner we ever had," said the first mate, "there wuz no Turkey an no puddin...all we got wuz Roast Rat an Turnip."

"Wot about the new recruits?" said I, "Who'd ye get?"

A skinny lot of ruffians, chained together, shuffled forward at the point of a cutlass an I demanded their names:

Ebenezer Scrooge, Bob Cratchit, Jacob Marley, Tiny Tim (he wont even last the night thinks I), a huge ruddy faced fellow in a Santa outfit callin himself 'the ghost of Xmas Present and a bloke dressed as Death who wouldn't say anything.

"You daft buggers," says I, "Ye've gone an press ganged the cast of a Dickens novel...wot use will they be in a fight?"

As it turned out I was wrong. Ebenezer and Jacob were bankers and we wuz never short o Treasure after that. Bob Cratchit worked himself to death on the capstan an never complained once. Tiny Tim made a foine cabin boy once we got him to leave his crutch in the corner. The Fat Ruddy bloke seemed to have an endless supply o grog an vittles on him an that 'Death' bloke was a star turn at the annual 'Tortuga' Pirate Ball.

We'll be back in 5 years toim an I hope Portsmouth has got in a few Turkeys by then or we'll ave ta try raidin Narnia again.

[anthrobabe]

Amazing-
Fantabulous-
Historically Accurate-
A Must Read (or have read to you)-
Pulitzer Prize Material-
5 Stars-
Movie Coming Soon-