The Piratica Monastical Football Club

[Calico Jack]

Match Report: Piratica Monastical FC vs The Dribblin Parrot Hotel (2nd Half)

The start of the 2nd Half is delayed whilst another referee is sought.  As the PMFC team return to the pitch with their cutlasses drawn, not surprisingly there is a lack of volunteers. 

Finally in desperation the match officials approach Dave L who was sent off in the 1st half and ask him to referee the 2nd half.  Dave L grunted "how much do I git paid"  "100 Dubloons" said the desperate officials hoping that Dave L's reputation for being a vicious thieving blaggard would be enough to restore some semblance of fair play. "All reet" said Dave L "but I want me red card rescinded so oi can play as well".  The match officials looked at each other and said "Yes, anything just keep the varmints in order". So Dave L returned to the pitch as PMFC Captain and Match Referee.

47.25 Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock was the first to challenge the authority of the new referee when he scythed down Goat Starer.  The sound of breaking bones echoed around the stadium.

47.31 As Dave L rushed up to Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock the crowd held its breath, would it be yellow, would it be red. Well neither actually as Dave L launched into a savage attack kicking and beating Ernest 'Short-changer'Puddock before shooting him in the head with his pistol.  In the crowd one old sage could be heard saying "He doesn't forget does Dave L, he was short changed by Ernest in the Dribblin Parrott Hotel Three Years ago".

55.25 Black Bart still being roundly booed (by his own players) after his own goal in the 1st Half tried to make amends with a spectacular overhead kick in the DPH penalty area.  Unfortunately the ball was down the other end of the field at the time so Bart's acrobatics went unrewarded.

63.42 The Black Spot delivered a quick swipe of his cutlass to remove Danny 'The Strangler' Butterworth legs just before he was about to shoot.  Dave L ran up to The Black Spot brandishing a bottle of grog "ye be drinking this, that be a foine tackle" he said.  Then remembering his refereeing duties he booked Danny 'The Strangler' Butterworth for bleeding profusely on the pitch.

69.10 GOAL 2-2 It be the equaliser for PMFC when Calico Jack rose highest in the box and knocked the ball into the net with his hand.  As DPH players surround the referee to protest, Dave L dismisses them with a hail of bullets from his Bren Gun.

70.25 The start of play is delayed as DPH only have 1 player remaining alive on the pitch.  After quickly drawing up his will Norbert 'Vomitboy' Putney agrees to continue after the remaining substitute Jimmy 'Jockstrap' McHamish is brought on to the pitch to join him

79.25 Despite wave after wave of attacks PMFC are struggling to break down a stubborn 2 man defence.  The latest culprit to miss a golden scoring chance is NoName who misses an open goal from 6 Yards no doubt distracted by Norbert 'Vomitboy' Putney who lives up to his name by covering NoName in last nights Fish Head Stew.

84.25 The crowd begin to drift out of the stadium frustrated by PMFC's inability to score.  As arranged Dave L's crew are in place to meet them as they leave relieving them of their dubloons, grog and parrots.

89.55 GOAL 3-2 Finally DPH's stubborn resistance is ended when Dave L awards a penalty after Black Bart is brought down by Jimmy 'Jockstrap' McHamish near the half way line.  Dave L takes it himself and blazes it over the bar.  "I be taking it again" he said "as their keeper moved" which was surprising as DPH had no one in the goal.  This time he made no mistake blasting the ball into the empty net.

90.00 Dave L's whistle then ended the match and the 7 remaining PMFC Players and the 2 from DPH trudged off the pitch for some well deserved grog.

[DaveL]

YArrr...

Fine call there Calico Jack. Oi quoite like this refereein' thingy. As long as Oi be refereein' for PMFC.

Pass me another rum Saucy Gert. It's toime to get plastered *hic* *hic*

[Calico Jack]

So who are we playing next, maybe a friendly again before Xmas.

Also should we drop Black Bart his shooting is as accurate as Steve Harmison's bowling.

[Bluenose]

Yarr,

Oi doan no, Oi carnt be 'avin enni more o these namby-pamby friendly games, 'ow a bout we orgernize an unfriendly game?

Oi aheared that Ivan the Terrible be puttin tergetha a team o' historrickle tierants, diktaters an th' loike, the Terrible Wanderers.  Why don't we challenge 'em to a little hard-ball football Pirate style, eh mateys?

Cap'n Bluenose

[Black Bart]

YYYYAAARRRR...bags I gets to mark Stalin...he be due fer a good kicking!  After the match if Joseph survives I'll treat him to a free holiday at me very own Gulag Archipelago...Fish Head Stew is at it's best at -40 degrees!

[goat starer]

can I just point out that my contract is up for renewal at the end of the season and if I dont get a whopping payrise I will be gone on a bosman!

[Sibling Chatty]

The coachin' staff has been discussin' yer pay wi' management. We hev decoided that all hands will be receivin' double what they get now, as double naught is still wi'in our budget.

[Sibling Kephra (Tansy)]

jess' so long as th' rum's still inner contrakt...
mebbe we's shud be askin' fer eggnog?

[Sibling Chatty]

Aye, th' rum'll be pervoided, an' sum seasonal eggnog as well.

As usual, there'll be more nog than egg...

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

There be nuthin more common than a soccer player havin a hissy girly fit. Give Goat 5 dubloon, so he can go and get a new haircut and tattoo.

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

To all the players of the P.M.F.C.

Because of the recent complaints by some of the players about the height of their salaries, the management of the team, in cooperation with the training staff, has decided to increase the amount of the money the players will receive as from the beginning of the next year.

The wages will be doubled. That means that the players will now receive the double of the amount of zero.

As this will cause a major expenses from the team's budget, the amount of rum given out to the players will have to be cut. To avoid this, the rum will be replaced with the much cheaper (and more effective) special tonic.

We want to apologize for this inconvenience and wish the team good luck in the coming games and years.

Yours sincerely

The P.M.F.C. Management

[Calico Jack]

Ivan the terrible has agreed to captain a team of not very nice people to take on the clean-cut lads from P.M.F.C in a pre Xmas friendly.  P.M.F.C were unable to play this game in Portsmouth as several of Ivan's players were liable to get arrested if they set foot in England, however one of their opponents Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus (Nero to his mates)came to the rescue by arranging for the use of the Coliseum in Rome to stage the game.

Note that the game will not take place until the pay dispute with the P.M.F.C selectors has been resolved.  However, now that the wife and children of the chairman of selectors has been kidnapped by The Black Spot we expect the dispute to be resolved very soon.

P.M.F.C were unchanged from the fine win against the Dribbin Parrot Hotel, whilst Ivan had to search far and wide to come up with his select eleven, the teams therefore are:

P.M.F.C.

Tansy - GK
DaveL – RB  (Captain)
Bluenose - CB
Kiyoodle the Gambrinous – CB
Alpaca – LB
NoName - RM
Goat Starer - CM
Calico Jack – CM
Beagle – LM
Black Bart – F
The Black Spot – F

Ivan the Terrible (ITT) Select XI

Pol Pot - GK
Kim Jong-il  - RB
Jack the Ripper - CB
Benito Mussolini – CB
Conan the Barbarian – LB
John Christie - RM
Ivan the Terrible – CM (Captain)
Edward Teach – CM
Nero Claudius Drusus Germanicus – LM
Sweeney Todd – F
Josef Stalin – F

Before the game Ivan the Terrible approached Dave L and asked if could select one of the Pirates as he was short of players. "Foine" said Dave L, "Edward Teach cannot get into our side as he is even more useless at Football than Black Bart so you can have him"

Let the game commence

[Sibling Chatty]

Is Ivan waiting for Cheney to be forced out before playing him, or is he concerned that the old reprobate's ticker will give out on him?

Or is it that Cheney's got a gun??

http://tinyurl.com/sfvhd

[Black Bart]

Before the game Ivan the Terrible approached Dave L and asked if could select one of the Pirates as he was short of players. "Foine" said Dave L, "Edward Teach cannot get into our side as he is even more useless at Football than Black Bart so you can have him"

YYYAAARRRR...At First I thought that Calico Jack has finally lost his noodles...Givin the hopposition the most deadly Poirat what ever sailed the Seven Seas!!!!
Then I remembered...we has The Black Spot...even if ye added Genghis Khan, Attilla the Hun and Chopper Harris to the other team it would still be one sided!

[goat starer]

despite having all four legs broken in the last game I see I have retained my place as the midfield dynamo 

could be a fairly static performance from the Goat!

PS. Here is a picture from my early days at the Cost Rica football acadamy before signing for PMFC. This was when I was a Small BBG. I am now BIG