Ask Aunty Black Robe

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie B

As usual we went Trick or Treatin on haloween in Portsmouth.  For extra effect this year we took Capn Cronan with us...no bugger would open their door and we came home without so much as a pear drop! As ye got any suggestions fer next year?

Yours Capn Donald Pleasance

[Calico Jack]

It be simple you be using Cap'n Cronan for the wrong occasion.  Leave it 5 days and then throw him on the fire on Guy Fawkes Night.

Yours helpfully Auntie Black Robe

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard

YYAARRGGH...I be afeerd I be loosin me grip on reality.  I keeps havin nightmares about Pirate Ladies chasin me with meat cleavers and demonstratin their uncanny choppin abilities on onions. I thinks the membrane between reality and the events o the Continuous Briny Fable be blurrin! I has never been the victim o female violence apart from havin an Apple Strudle thrown at me by a German woman. Can you give me anything to sleep better?

Yours Capn Red Eyes

[The Black Spot]

Dear Red Eyes

Nuffin puts a man to sleep quicker than an Apple Strudle - especially if an East German woman hits yer between the eyes with it.

I's sure Madame Fifi could arrange it; she gets all manner o' strange requests.

Yours

Auntie Cadillac.

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie Blackness

Belay that last plee from the heart.  There be nothin I loik more than havin a gorgeous wench pelt me with my favourite desert!  As long as it aint Apple Strudle or Rock cakes as they can prove fatal!

Yours Capn Kinky

[The Black Spot]

Dear Cap'n Kinky

There be nothin I loik more than havin a gorgeous wench pelt me with my favourite desert!

I's afraid all me best girls be booked up at the moment, but would ye be interested in havin' BingoWings Agnes throw a bucket o' fish head stew over ye?

Yours

Cap'n Redlight

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Madame Fifi's girls include the food throwin'as standard. If the visit goes awry, at least you wont leave hungry...yarr!

[Black Bart]

YYYAAARRR...if it be anything loik last toim, the custard was a bit lumpy!

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Auntie Black Widow

Oi erd yer do exsellent insurance and pension policies an if'n Oi pay enuff loike ye'll giv me a peep under yer hood.
Oi be sendin me check in fer yer consideration. Please tell me yer terms an conditions by return. Oi claim me 14 years ter roight ter cancel.

Cap'n Lord Treadmill-Banks

[DaveL]

Dear Capn Lord Tradmill,

For starters, Oi don't trust youse insurance blighters. O'id much prefer me ill gotten gains O'ive accumulated through murdering and pillagin'.

O'im currently in great pirate managed fund ie It's buried in a big hole in the ground yewl never foind. No fees and charges in my account!

YArrr!

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie B

Sometime ago I was found guilty at the Scurvy Disciplinary Court and sentenced to Transportation to the Southern hemisphere. The sentence was later commuted to electronic tagging and to make certain improvements to me crew's diet.  Every so often an inspector turns up to check on my progress.  The first toim he poked his nose in I forgot all about me punishment and made the blaggard walk the plank!  After a period of community service where I was forced to improve the signage fer Madame Fifi's various hestablishments, the inspector turned up again.  This toim I explained I had made improvements to the Fish Head Stew...foolishly the man insisted on tastin it!  Anyway my question be...how many hinspectors does the Scurvy Disciplinary Court intend to send round as I cannot be held responsible for the death toll!

[Griffin NoName]

Dear Cap'n Black Bart

Ye need not worry yersel. Wen they run out o Inspectors, they'll be slingin ye in a Portsmouth bail hostelry. Ther ye will be sooopervised an therefore free ter do wotever ye loike. Oi ear them places be great fun.

[DaveL]

Dear Aunty Blackrobe,

As a concerned citizen, O'im outraged that Portsmouth Chamber of Commerce has stooped to new lows, releasin 'The Men of Portsmouth Calendar'. Oi wuz going to call the police. However, as Constable Wilkins appears as 'Mr August' bearing only a truncheon, there be no hopes.

Portsmouth already be a centre of vice, wif Madame Fifi's and the Pirates running around. What's next, poisonous fishhead stew?

Please make 'em stop!

Kind Regards,

Concerned Citizen

[The Black Spot]

Dear Concerned Citizen,

ye don't fool me. Ye be Rancid Keith Flack 'oo runs the cake shop. Yer only upset 'cos yer not in the calendar. Yer swiss roll be too small.

Yours

Auntie

[Black Bart]

Dear Auntie Blacked Out Expurgated Parts

I never gave my permission fer me photo ta be used in the naughty calendar. I be wonderin how they got a photo taken from that angle...Oh hang on a minute I remembers now, that night, madame Fifi's, fourteen tankards o Blackbeards Revenge Stout...it's all comin back...

How come the lense didn't mist up?