Simple Jokes Thread

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

[you may even do 85 and they might ignore you (now, go 1 mile higher and then they'll get you).

1 mile higher?  does the police officer have a flying license too ? 

LOL! 
Actually, from the speed at which they usually pass you may think they do have a flying license.

[Swatopluk]

What's your name?
Chloe, my dear. And these are my sisters Siv and Phyllis.

[anthrobabe]

Most mothers tell their daughters to marry doctors. I tell mine to marry an anthropologist( particualrly an archaeologist) that way as they get older he will get more and more interested in them.


Teacher: "Tommy who was Anne Boleyn?"
Tommy: " She was a flat iron."
Teacher:" What in the world are you talking about?"
Tommy:" Well it says in our history book that Henry the V111th having disposed of Katherine of Aragon pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn."

[beagle]

Agatha Christie used to say that first one about her husband who was an archaeologist.  Given all the ways she thought up to bump off people, a rather nervous one you'd imagine.

[anthrobabe]

Agatha Christie used to say that first one about her husband who was an archaeologist.  Given all the ways she thought up to bump off people, a rather nervous one you'd imagine.

Cool-- i just found it floating around on an anth board

[The Meromorph]

So Pinnocchio goes to visit Giappetto..
"Papa, I have a problem. Every time I have sex with my girlfirend, she gets splinters! Papa, what can I do?"
Giappetto thinks for a few moments and says "Pinnocchio, you should use some sandpaper."
"Papa, thank you. That is a wonderful idea!" and Pinnocchio runs off.
A few weeks later Giappetto sees Pinnocchio in the street and calls him over. "Pinnocchio, how did that business with your girlfriend work out?"
"Girlfriend, Papa? Who needs a girlfirend when you have sandpaper?"

[Swatopluk]

What does the racist tree ask its neighbour?
"You are not a Yew, are you?"

[Aggie]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and 
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 

'Oh no,' I replied.

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, 
or bicycling?' 

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you give a shit?"




_{As per my email, not experience.  Well, it is true that I don't gamble or drive fast cars...}

[Swatopluk]

Two clairvoyants meet in the street.
Says the one: You are well, how am I?

Two cows on a meadow:
Says the one: Moo
Says the other: I just wanted to say that.

[Pachyderm]

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Dept. of Fish and game is advising tourists, hikers and fishermen to take extra precaution and keep alert for bears while travelling this summer.

"We advise that people wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears that might not be expecting them. We also advise that they carry pepper spray with them in case they come into close proximity with a grizzly bear.

It is also a good idea to keep a lookout for recent or fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognise the differences between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller, and contains many berries and nuts, as well as small patches of rabbit and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it, and smells like pepper.

[Kiyoodle the Gambrinous]

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

[Aggie]

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Dept. of Fish and game is advising tourists, hikers and fishermen to take extra precaution and keep alert for bears while travelling this summer.

"We advise that people wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears that might not be expecting them. We also advise that they carry pepper spray with them in case they come into close proximity with a grizzly bear.

It is also a good idea to keep a lookout for recent or fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognise the differences between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller, and contains many berries and nuts, as well as small patches of rabbit and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it, and smells like pepper.

Funny, but.... 

It's being reported that black bears may be relatively immune to pepper spray, and recently out here a mountain biker was killed and eaten by a black bear.   

Grizzlies tend to be more aggressive, but it's mostly territorial...  i.e. they will smack you around for being on their turf and are powerful enough that this is quite likely to be fatal - but they generally don't consider humans a food source.  OTOH, if a black bear is coming after you, there's a good chance it thinks you are dinner (unless it's a mom with cubs).

[/comedy_kill]

[Swatopluk]

But better don't cross any bear in late autumn. Then they are both hungry and in a bad mood.

Sign at a forest entrance: Wanderer be careful. Many a man has been mistaken for a wild boar and shot. Walk upright and wave your hat.

No joke: In parts of Scandinavia hunters have to wear bright red or orange clothing in order to avoid hunting accidents like that.

[Pachyderm]

Same in the States. A friend of mine was a hunting instructor near Baltimore for many years. He quit after someone shot another hunter despite the safety equipment (jacket, hat etc) from a hide up a tree. Didn't think he was a human being, apparently. A six-foot squirrel wearing orange (as Tom Lehrer points out)?

[Swatopluk]

There is also the danger of coming too near the undisclosed location of the Vice President and getting a load of buckshot.

A skeleton is out shopping. A hearse comes round the corner. Calls the skeleton: Hello taxi!