Political Humor and other phunny stuphph...

[Afterglow]

"Anybody see the presidential debate last night on CNN? Whoa! It was great. It was exciting. Sparks were flying. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama kept arguing, going at one another like this. Honest to God, John Edwards looked like the moderator on 'Family Feud.'" --David Letterman

[Aphos]

In response to the pro-ID movie "Exposed" which is coming out soon, someone Photoshoped these...





The chubby cop with the gun in the bottom picture is wearing PZ Myers face.

[Aphos]

This is SUPPOSED to be a parody of creationism.  It turns out to be an excellent example of Russell's Law.

Russell's Law (aka Poe's Law):

It is impossible to tell the difference between a creationist and a parody of a creationist.

The video... (by way of Pharyngula)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swlsqkAyxqY&eurl=http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/

[Aphos]

    YEAR'S BEST (ACTUAL) HEADLINES OF 2007
     
     
    Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
    [Imagine that!]

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    [No, really?]

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

    Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
    [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    [What a guy!]

    Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

    War Dims Hope for Peace
    [I can see where it might have that effect!]

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    [You think?]

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    [Who would have thought!]

    Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    [They may be on to something!]

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
    [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

    Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
    [he probably IS the battery charge!]

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    [Weren't they fat enough?!]

    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
    in Spacecraft
    [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    [Taste like chicken?]

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
    [Boy, are they tall!]

    And the winner is....

    Typhoon Rips Through
    Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Pachyderm]

Typhoon Rips Through
    Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


That is genius. Twisted, corrupted, makes two short planks look smart, but genius.


How did that get to print? But God bless them for putting it out to the wider audience...

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

Perhaps Swato and Darlica will understand this one: Helpdesk for the middle ages.
[youtube=425,350]pQHX-SjgQvQ[/youtube]

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

Finally, there's a cure for a pesky problem...

[youtube=425,350]iGZSvdSsoAE[/youtube]

[Afterglow]

HANGOVER

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a big night out.  He couldn't even remember how he got home.  As lousy as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.  Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to him, a single red rose!  Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.  He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean.  So is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.  Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove.  I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling!

Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,'Son.. what happened last night?'  'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.  You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.  'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?  I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'  His son replies, 'Oh THAT!  .. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!' '

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[Afterglow]

Ya gotta read it with yust da right accent!

Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears
about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota.

So he drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she
gives milk.
When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts.


Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then
reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the
cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion,
Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis
here new cow I yoost bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the tit, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole
and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

[Swatopluk]

I know that cannibal joke slightly different:
Cannibal walking into the shop asking for pickled brains
It's ten bucks for an average brain, 15 for one with highschool degree, 25 for one of a doctor and 10.000 for an East Frisian (replace by group of choice considered extremly stupid).
Why are those so expensive?
Because one has to kill so many before finding anything resembling a brain in one.
---
Another Oldie:
Thatcher, Reagan and Kohl are together in a car and have an accident.
Maggie (who piloted the car): I am so sorry
Ronnie: I am sorry too
Helmut: I am sorry three*

*It is rumored that he actually said that on one occasion. He was know to either not to speak English well or not at all

---
On a related note:
Helmut Kohl is on a state visit to South Africa and also goes on a safari
He spots an elephant: Hey, what a nice dang-e-roo!
He spots a hippopotamus: Hey, another dang-e-roo!
He spots a rhinoceros: That dang-e-roo is the best yet!
Safari Guide: What are you talking about?
Kohl: Didn't you read the sign at the park entrance? All animals are Dang-E-Roos!!!

[Afterglow]

Sign

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OR BEHIND OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.



 

[Afterglow]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'


'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!'

[Afterglow]

Correct use of the 'F' word    (Note Who Said The Last On On The List)
When  is @#$% Acceptable?

There  are only eleven times in history where the 'F' word has  been  considered acceptable for use.
They are as  follows: 

11.  'What  the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?' 
--  Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 

10.  'What the @#$% was that?' 
--  Mayor Of Hiroshima,  1945 

9.  'Where  did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?'   
--  Custer, 1876   
   
8.  'Any  @#$%ing idiot could understand that.'   
--  Einstein, 1938   

7.  'It  does so @#$%ing look like her!' 
--  Picasso, 1926   

6. 'How  the @#$% did you work that out?'   
--  Pythagoras, 126 BC       

5.  'You  want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?'   
--  Michelangelo, 1566   
   

4.  'Where  the @#$% are we?' 
--  Amelia Earhart, 1937   
   

3.  'Scattered  @#$%ing showers, my ass!' 
--  Noah, 4314 BC   

   
2.  'Aw  c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?'   
--  Bill Clinton, 1998 
and  a drum roll please............!
   

1.  'Geez,  I didn't think they'd get this
@%#*^ing  mad.' 
--  Saddam Hussein, 2003

[Afterglow]

Seven Kinds Of Sex

I -----SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.' 'Social Security sex?' 'Yeah, you know-I get a little each month, but not enough to live on


II -----LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.' 'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.' 'The problem is,' she complained, 'It wakes me up!'


III -----QUIET SEX
Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' She looked at him casually and replied, 'You're never home!'


IV -----CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,' $6,500 for 'medium,' and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen'.

V ------WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 39th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last.'

VI ---NO SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

VII ---- OLD SEX
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted livingapartment...killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She said coolly, 'Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex.....he could fly.'

[Swatopluk]

 "Mary had a little lamb / And when she saw it sicken / She shipped it off to Packingtown / And now it's labeled chicken."