Political Humor and other phunny stuphph...

[Afterglow]

Q: Do you know what's wrong with political jokes?

A: They get elected

joe e

[Afterglow]

"President Bush's dad is stepping in to help with Iraq, and he is not happy. This could be the first time a sitting president could be grounded."--Jay Leno

[Afterglow]

"President Bush was asked by the press today if he was ready for bipartisanship in the Senate. And Bush said he had no problem with anyone who was bipartisan, as long as they don't try to get married." -- Jay Leno

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

AAADD

(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)

This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

  the car isn't washed

  the bills aren't paid

  there is a warm can of Coke sitting
   on the counter

  the flowers don't have enough water

  there is still only one check
    in my check book

  I can't find the remote

  I can't find my glasses

  I don't remember what I did with
    the car keys.

  Then when I try to figure out why
    nothing got done today,
    I'm really baffled because I
    know I was busy all day long,
    and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

[Afterglow]

President Bush traveled to Asia Tuesday as Chinese protesters erupted over a new one-dog rule allowing cops to knock on doors and shoot extra dogs on sight. The president's appalled. He can't imagine having to choose between Barney and Karl Rove.

--Argus Hamilton

[Afterglow]

"For the second week in a row, the number one movie, 'Borat' this week, bringing in more than $29 million. Actually, normally they would do this, but the producer of 'Borat' said there won't be a sequel 'cause it is too hard to fool people the second time around, as the Republicans found out last week."  -- Jay Leno

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meaning. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

Little Jimmy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, Johnny, who lives on a farm, were playing in the field and a tractor ran him over and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"That's right!" exclaimed Bush. "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Afterglow]

An Amish farmer was walking through his field, & noticed a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it." The man shouted back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Amish man said: "Use two hands. You'll get more."

[Afterglow]

A husband tells his wife "tell me something that will make me both happy and sad."
After a moment's reflection, she says "...your Johnson is bigger than your brothers."

[Afterglow]

Gosh this is so very true:

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."

[Afterglow]

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have
lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili
Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it; poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 No Report

[Afterglow]

1. Blaming your farts on me.... not funny... not funny at all !!!
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2. Yelling a me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

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3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

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4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

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5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

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6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo
what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.


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7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

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8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.


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9. Dog sweaters.
Hello Haven't you noticed the fur?

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10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.


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Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS, HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

[Sibling Chatty]

Spencer and Preston made sure Mommy read THAT list early on...especially the part about hair-dos and sweaters!!

[anthrobabe]

any story that begins with Chili and Texas will be good

I'm dying!

[Afterglow]

CANNIBAL MENU

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat
down and looked over the menu ...


            Baked or Grilled Tourist - $5.00
            Broiled Missionary - $10.00
            Fried Explorer - $15.00
            Conservative - $50,000.00
            Liberal - $150,000.00
            Politician - $75,000.00


After looking over the menu, the cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference for the politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of
sh_t, it takes all morning!'