The Four Poptarts of The Apocalypse: You Decide (I'm busy).

[Opsa]

Ah, Poptarts... the perplexingly flat little toaster pastry with the scant filling that keeps coming up with weird new flavors, when perhaps they should have left it at plain strawberry.

But- what if there WERE Four Poptarts of Bliss? Which would you elect? You may only vote nine times. We will signal the decision by releasing a small cloud of smoke from the Vatican toaster.

[Sibling Qwertyuiopasd]

bah, you got the second one wrong.

it's almost right, but instead of brown sugar cinnamon, it should be chocolate.

yes, again. Why do you think they call it chocolate?

some kind of JOKE?

~Qwerty

[Opsa]

That would make it Chocolate, Vanilla, Cherry, and Chocolate. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Maybe they need a spam poptart.

How about Chcolate, Vanilla, Cherry and S'mores? Smores have chocolate filling. And hardly any spam.

[Sibling Qwertyuiopasd]

That's exactly my *point*!

sheesh.

[Opsa]

Sorry Squire, I edited as you replied.

When I was a kid, we had something similar to chocolate poptarts which were called Chocolate Elephants. Poptarts totally ripped them off, except the elephant shape. They were unfrosted, too. And the chocolate filling was  really strong in flavor. Or maybe my tastebuds were just younger.

[Sibling Qwertyuiopasd]

bah, my vote still goes for chocolate, vanilla, cherry, and chocolate.

pure and simple.


Why can't the pillars ever be repeats? they'd be easier to (de)activate in the event of apocalypse.

~Qwerty

[Aggie]

Voted for the last two options, based on GRAC* definition of the Beast, not mine. 

Poptarts aren't even good enough to count as proper junk food in my books.  Look like cardboard, taste like cardboard, less fibre than cardboard.  Granted, I have only had them on a few occasions, but I've always been amazingly disappointed.




_{*If the FDA gets away with 'Generally Regarded As Safe', I get away with 'Generally Regarded As Consensus'.}

[Opsa]

Yee gods man, you're right. I have adjusted this topic to now read "The Four Poptarts of The Apocalypse".

This may change my vote.

[Sibling Qwertyuiopasd]

Answers still not corrected, but yes. We must prepare for the inevitable, the evitable, but mostly the edible.


~Qwerty

[Pachyderm]

Answers still not corrected, but yes. We must prepare for the inevitable, the evitable, but mostly the edible.


Forgot the "in" prefix to that one, Qwerty.



PopTarts are a foul abomination. Admittedly, when I saw the tpoic title, I thought it was going to be about the Spice Girls

[pieces o nine]

What is all this hating on teh poptarts?

I've known many a graphic artist who owes life and completed-on-time projects to poptarts. (btw: Brown Sugar Cinnamon is the only decent option.)

Normally I fear dogs, down to a cellular level, but I freely shared my poptarts with Mirra (brother's Doberman) and we got along great. Poptarts, yay!

[Aggie]

Here's my take on hating on teh poptarts:

I was fairly sugar-restricted as a child, at least by Mom, and although we got some salty snack foods through the house once in a while, pre-packaged sweet foods were a rarity.  Most dessert-type baked goods were home-baked, and poptarts were NEVER a breakfast option (the sweetest cereal we got was Life, I think, and that must have slipped past Mom's label-reading skills.  The only cereal box with cartoon mascots was teh Rice Krispies, which are relatively 'clean'). 

Food-inna-box was by default Forbidden Treat Food, and therefore was expected to be absolutely over-the-top sinfully delicious.  Poptarts just can't back it up - Mom's ubiquitous homemade fruit crisps were always way better as a late-nite baked goods kick.  I also have a hate on for teh Fruit Loops for the same reason - they don't match the saturday-morning-cartoon-ad hype.

I have a heck of a sweet tooth at times, but savory is what satisfies me.  Cheapo instant noodles (ramen) are probably my youth's poptart equivalent.  But I always chucked some veg in, so they were even redeemed a bit, nutritionally speaking.   

[Sibling Chatty]

Brown Sugar Cinnamon

MORE Brown Sugar Cinnamon

Cherry

Blueberry

Strawberry
---------------

ALL must be frosted, NONE must be Brand Specific, I favor the store-brands, actually

None should EVER be exposed to a toaster.

Good Lord, people, If you're going to toast them, you might as well COOK!!

(At my house, Spencer gets first dibs on all Poptart (generic, not brand) corners. This is the Divine Right of Schnauzers, although it does not extend to the decadence that is dipping them into generic Cool-Whip.)

BTW, they are NOT a breakfast food. They are a gelatinous substance surrounded by a dry substance, containing enough food-like qualities to keep one from dying.  OK, from dying immediately...

[pieces o nine]

*pieces reminisces*  I had a eeeevul boss who ate cold, frosted strawberry poptarts at his desk. That should have been my first tip-off.  *shudders*

[Aphos]

Perhaps the four poptarts should be chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and chocolate?  Naaaa.......cherry has to be in there somewhere.

[Sibling Qwertyuiopasd]

Ah, aphos is wise, but without vanilla, chocolate is unbalanced. and cherry is just, y'knows, cherry.

~Qwerty

[Sibling Chatty]

If you put a cherry Poptart between 2 chocolate ones...

Black Forest Poptart!!

[Aggie]

I want to float a chocolate stout on a Kreik - black n' forest.

[anthrobabe]

I voted for all 5 in order to skew the stats....
anyway

I'd rather have fried Okra than a pop-tart, but I do eat pop-tarts and pot noodle as well.

I'm going to vote some more later--- thank you

!!!!CHOCOLATE!!!!!

[Opsa]

I hope you have more luck than I did, 'Thro. I can't seem to get in more votes than the ones I first voted on. No fair! No Fair! Oh wait- I rigged this one.

I just looked here http://www2.kelloggs.com/brand/brand.aspx?brand=202 to see if they came in Chocolate Cherry, and was amazed to see that they don't, but they do come in Barbie flavors! I assume these to be beige and plastic, with little feet stuck in "high heel gear".

I think that the Barbie flavors deserve a place in the Apocalypse, for yea- surely Barbie is the Plaything of the Beast.

[pieces o nine]

Siblings, such rash speculation, and now the Barbie Beast has been invoked. I beg of you to stop before we are led into contemplating such abominations as Meow Berry! Let us calm ourselves and consult the Book of Pop Tarts, Chapter Six, verses 1-9:

¹ And I saw when I opened the seal of the first box, and I heard, as it were the crackling of foil, one of the taste buds saying, 'Come and try'.
² And I saw, and behold a white Pop Tart: and his name was Frosted Strawberry.
³ And when I had opened seal of the second box, I heard the second tastebud say, 'Come and try'.
⁴ And there went out another Pop Tart that was red: and his name was Frosted Cherry.
⁵ And when I had opened the seal of the third box, I heard the third tastebud say, 'Come and try'. And I beheld, and lo a black Pop Tart; and his name was Frosted Chocolate.
⁶ And when I had opened the seal of the fourth box, I heard the voice of the fourth tastebud say, 'Come and try'.
⁷ And I looked, and behold a pale Pop Tart: and his name that sat on him was Mint Chocolate Chip.
⁸ And when I had opened the seal of the fifth box, I saw they were enrobed in white and were even as Cookies 'n' Creme.
⁹ And I beheld when I had opened the seal of the sixth box, and, lo, they were Frosted Blueberry. Amen!

[Aggie]

Yay!  Scripture! 

I miss having scripture, even if I'm not much good at writing it (barely even got the False Prophecies off the ground).

[Sibling Qwertyuiopasd]

Oh good.

scripture.

we all know how much that helps everything.

/cynicism

[Aggie]

Only if you take it too serious, Q.  When it's for fun... it's for fun!

[Bob in a quantum-state-of-faith]

*sigh* Poptarts.

They bring back such memories.

I no longer keep them in the house-- I go for the toaster strudel instead-- more "fruit", frosting optional.

I never did develop a taste for the frosted ones-- too sweet for me.

I liked the "fruit" ones' best. (I put it in quotes, because I strongly suspect that nothing resembling actual fruit had anything whatsoever to do with the making of Poptarts...)

I used to add butter to the back (it soaked in better, and didn't run into the toaster...) and enjoy'em warm.  Sometimes, I'd use the microwave (again, upside down, with butter on the back).

Sweet, fat (butter) and bread.  What else could you want?  They even tasted sortof fruit-like.

Strawberry and blueberry were my tarts of choice.  Never went in for chocolate, and I abhor s'mores (waaaaay too sweet for me, and a waste of perfectly good chocolate).   By the time I developed a taste for chocolate (I was allergic as a kid, did not get chocolate until nearly adulthood. By which time, I had quit eating poptarts).   Never had the brownsugar/cinnamon one, either.  Odd, that, as I used to routinely make cinnamon toast myself.   And peanut butter cinnamon toast*.

But, back to the tarts.... once the toaster strudel came into the market, I quit buying 'tarts....

_______________

<sub>* peanut butter cinnamon toast: 

1) Turn on oven's broiler (to pre-heat). 
2) set toaster to very light setting. 
3) Put slices of bread into toaster. 
4) Get out brown sugar, cinnamon and peanut butter (and knife-- or use your fingers....)
5) when bread pops up, it should be slightly crispy, but not really brown.  Butter bread, to the very edges with peanut butter. It's important to go all the way to the edges, else the bread will burn, and spoil (slightly) the flavor.
6) sprinkle brown sugar liberally over the top of the peanut butter. It should have a thin, even coat, but not be piled high. You can dump off the excess that does not stick to the 'butter, for the next slice.
7) sprinkle cinnamon to taste, over the sugar.
8 ) place prepared bread, peanut butter side up, on a cookie sheet, and put in broiler.
DO NOT CLOSE DOOR ALL THE WAY!
9) watch, until the sugar melts, and the peanut butter JUST begins to bubble. 
10) remove, allow to cool slightly.
11) Enjoy-- traditionally with a glass of milk.</sub>

[Bluenose]

Never did like pop tarts. altogether too much like sweet cardboard to me and a very poor substitute for proper turnovers:  take a bit of sweet shortcrust pastry left over from making something else and roll it pretty thin, get some home made raspberry, blackberry of strawberry jam (I think you USuns call that jelly*, for some reason) spread on one side of pastry leaving about half an inch around the edge, fold pastry in half and crimp the edges with a fork.  Use a knife to make a couple of cuts in the middle of the top and bake for about 10 minutes, until the pastry is golden.  Eat hot with fresh cream or ice cream.  Wickedly delicious.   Once you have had a jam turnover you would never touch one of them packet abominations again.   

*which as everyone knows is made principally from gelatin and comes in bright colours and alleged fruit flavours.

[Pachyderm]

Once you have had a jam turnover you would never touch one of them packet abominations again.

Bluenose.


Listen up, people. The man knows. He tells you no lies, all pukka gen.

[pieces o nine]

They sound delicious.

But I'm no fair-weather fan, ready to throw over the Tart for the first fancy Pastry that comes along...

[Opsa]

Actually, we USians do have jam, but technically, it must have a certain degree of visible fleshy fruit in it to be called jam. Only the clear stuff is called jelly. Marmelade is another matter, entirely. Sadly, we don't do marmelade as well as the European countries. Heaven help us if we come out with marmelade poptarts. Verily, then will the toaster of doom envelop us in eternal burningdom.

I'm with PO9, here. Poptarts have their charm if it is completely understood that they are a cheap snack and not real pastry. Also, let us note that the Book of Pop Tarts, Chapter Six, verses 1-9 never in any way mentions that any of the flavors are divine. Basically it just says Stop Complaining and Put This In Yer Piehole.

[Sibling Chatty]

Basically it just says Stop Complaining and Put This In Yer Piehole.

And, like I said, if you even are going to bother to toast them, you might as well cook.

The essence of poptartitude is that, compared to starving, they're just fine.

If the choice is a 3 week old slice of dried out rye bread with a rind of 4 year old cheese and a teaspoon of peanut butter, they're slightly better.

If getting up out of the bed will drop your blood sugar level below the floorboards you'll fall on if you TRY to get up, they're even acceptable. (This is the source of my habit. I admit it. I'm fine with it.)

[anthrobabe]

Aggie said "I was fairly sugar-restricted as a child"-- this explains sooooo much  I'm a carb addict myself- I will actually do salty/savory over sweet anyday and if it comes with bonus hot sauce well get outa the way. We were also not allowed the 'debil sugar' growing up and me and my brothers are completely weird as a result(ok they are weird- I am completely normal).

Barbie Pop-Tarts--- I really thought that Brittney and Lindsey were the Pop-Tartlets. At least Barbie has a very long shelf life.


Oh well- of course there is better food than a pop-tart but my word something addictive to them- and I'm with Auntie-if you are going to toast them well you might as well cook.

Now I really like leftover fruit cake--- YES fruitcake (not all kinds but many kinds) that is sliced and then heated in the toaster oven and then slathered with BUTTER(not fake stuff, not low cal stuff, not margarine).

[Aggie]

Aggie said "I was fairly sugar-restricted as a child"-- this explains sooooo much  I'm a carb addict myself- I will actually do salty/savory over sweet anyday and if it comes with bonus hot sauce well get outa the way. We were also not allowed the 'debil sugar' growing up and me and my brothers are completely weird as a result(ok they are weird- I am completely normal).

One side effect is that I am a compulsive sweet food/candy binge-eater if they are freely available (and if I'm on a long drive, I will keep eating any candy within arm's reach until it is gone), but I am rarely tempted to actually buy sweets when I could spend my money on tropical fruit or savory morsels.  Chocolate is an exception; I still rarely buy it, but if ya need chocolate, ya GET chocolate. 

I think it's a satisfaction thing - sweets please the tongue but it's so fleeting (which is why I can't stop once I start I think), and make you feel nasty if you eat too much.  A good solid meal keeps the happy with you for a longer time. 

(BTW AB - I think you'd love good Korean food - it's not the tastiest at first but it is really vitalizing and your body KNOWS it.  Plenty of spicy, too.)

[anthrobabe]

seeeeee-- likewise- I will eat it until it is gone (sweet) do prefer and buy salty/savory but if I can get it I can't stop with sweets

did someone say Kimchi?( I will even eat the stuff out of the jar) I think (like much Asian cooking) Koran dishes are based on good stuff- veg,tofu,little meat and mainly for flavor,seafood,rice-- good stuff that is good for ones body. Unfortunately this is AR in the USA and Asian means Chinese and that comes as an Americanized buffet( with what people call 'sushi' which is actually not and really resembles what I'd call Kimbap-- some is actually tasty but lots is ugh).

I often want to scream
"Sushi does not mean raw fish!"

[Opsa]

Hmm... what if we developed a sushi poptart that had a seaweed crust and rice filling? Naw, they'd ruin it by adding frosting and reducing the rice to a white paste.

Speaking of Barbie, Brittney and Lindsey- I seem to recall a rather risque underground comic character named Cherry Poptart. Now, that's apocalyptic. (Or is it apocalypstick?)

[Aggie]

seeeeee-- likewise- I will eat it until it is gone (sweet) do prefer and buy salty/savory but if I can get it I can't stop with sweets

did someone say Kimchi?( I will even eat the stuff out of the jar) I think (like much Asian cooking) Koran dishes are based on good stuff- veg,tofu,little meat and mainly for flavor,seafood,rice-- good stuff that is good for ones body. Unfortunately this is AR in the USA and Asian means Chinese and that comes as an Americanized buffet( with what people call 'sushi' which is actually not and really resembles what I'd call Kimbap-- some is actually tasty but lots is ugh).

You're preaching to the choir, sista...  Christie has just made a big batch of kimchi and I'm eagerly waiting for it to ripen a bit (I like it when it just starts to turn sour) - she thinks it's gonna be her best batch ever.  But it's the huge variety of dishes using all the herbs and veggies that we can't easily get here that I really miss.  I need to move over there for at least a couple of years and just eat.

[Sibling Zono (anon1mat0)]

The essence of poptartitude is that, compared to starving, they're just fine.

But only compared to starving, there are soooo many better choices out there...

[Sibling Chatty]

My problem is that I need to have shelf-stable available food that does not require cooking, opening a difficult container or heating up, as at times I literally have to eat something in order to be able to get the strength to get up from the bed.

Blood sugar issues suck.

Standing up long enough to cook is also a problem, once I gather the energy to do it. One more "pass out and whack the face on the stainless steel island" and I will be ready to star in my own horror film series. At least the places on the left side of my face don't hurt as much.

And, with all that I CANNOT eat? Heck, I am happy to have the stupid Poptarts.